How to react to a Spouse with Anger Issues

[Xantippe]

Finally, I just want to say that this topic here got way out of hand. I came here to seek some advice on how I should react to my wife to let her know that this kind of behavior hurts me as a temporary solution until we can actually get the counseling we need. And some of you have actually stayed on topic and offered your two cents and given me exactly what I asked for. To those people, I say thank you and I salute you. But the other ones who have come on this thread and judged my relationship saying things like “This should’ve been solved in the first year of marriage”, and have directly insulted me or my family, or painted me out to be some kind of narcissistic pig who views his wife as some kind of maid or servant (when I would NEVER EVER view my wife in such a manner seeing as how this is someone whom I love and adore with all my heart and have sacrificed so much for including being away from her on multiple occasions so I could serve and protect my country and fight for all of YOUR guys’ right to even type on your computers and say the rude comments ya’ll said to me) when I would never view her in such a manner, to all of you who have conducted yourself like this…really…I say…grow up…act your age…and show some respect. I did NOT come onto this thread to be disrespected or to be judged or what have you. ESPECIALLY not by people who are supposed to be my brothers and sisters in Christ. I came to you all seeking help and advice and if this is the kind of way you all are going to conduct yourselves in the future, then I want nothing more to do the majority of you. I mean really, is this how Christ taught you all to react to someone who’s reaching out for help and advice? This is the kind of behavior that drives people away from the Catholic church. When they view people as judgmental and disrespectful as you all. Didn’t our lord Jesus Christ teach us all to love one another and save the judging for Him to do? Really, I said it before and I’ll say it one last time. If you don’t have nothing nice to say, don’t say anything at all.

In conclusion, I will take to heart all the constructive and good advice and opinions everyone has shared on the matter and see what we can do. I ask that you all keep my wife and I in your prayers so that our marriage may continue to flourish and that we may hopefully come to a cure for my wife’s anger problems. God bless.

A few points:

1. The silent treatment and other avoidant behavior is every bit as hurtful as rage. It says, “I don’t love you,” “I don’t value you,” and “I don’t want to be with you.”
2. It doesn’t matter if you don’t view your wife as a servant if she feels that you view her as a servant or you act that way. Actions speak louder than words.
3. “this is someone whom I love and adore with all my heart and have sacrificed so much for including being away from her on multiple occasions so I could serve and protect my country and fight for all of YOUR guys’ right to even type on your computers and say the rude comments ya’ll said to me”

You’ve got a wee bit of a non sequitur right there. The way you adore and sacrifice for your wife is you stay away from her? Do you think that she interprets separation as love? Probably not. Also, if you’re a good husband, the harder you work outside the home and the more you’re away from her, the harder she needs to work, so your absences are not some sort of gift to her. So please stop thinking of your time away as a favor you are doing for her.

Also, if you had no wife and kids, would you be in the military anyway? If so, your military service is not a special favor you are doing your wife.

You guys both have problems, and it looks like one of yours is that you don’t think hard enough about how your actions are going to be interpreted.

1. “In conclusion, I will take to heart all the constructive and good advice and opinions everyone has shared on the matter and see what we can do. I ask that you all keep my wife and I in your prayers so that our marriage may continue to flourish and that we may hopefully come to a cure for my wife’s anger problems.”

So you don’t need to change anything at all about yourself.

OK.

 

[Lou2U]

I’ve been re-reading your posts, OP, and I have to say, I agree with Xantippe about how your wife could feel. I don’t agree with her verbally abusing you, or your children in the slightest, of course, but it could be that she’s on her own with the children all the time that’s making her temper worse. Does she feel as though she gets some time to herself to go out with friends or to relax? Does she feel as though she is loved and appreciated by you? I’m not trying to accuse you of not loving her - there is a book available called the Five Love Languages. It could be that you are showing love to your wife in a way that she isn’t the most receptive to.

The fact that you are away so often makes it even more urgent that your wife gets help for her anger. If she is as bad as you say, it might be worth asking an older relative to take the kids out regularly, and helping her. Also (and I hate to say it), do you know if her anger is worse when you aren’t there?

Lou

 

[LongingSoul]

I really think we are continually talking past the OPs issue. It’s not her anger he is affected by and he hasn’t even attempted to shift the blame for his own flaws. It’s that particular aspect of her attack on his human dignity that truly amounts to verbal abuse. She deems it acceptable to ‘take revenge’ by going for the jugular. And it’s not just about the words themselves. Even in sign language there are signs that aren’t just lashing out but are meant to demean the other. Those are things that slowly erode the marriage bond from the inside like cancer.

 

[Xantippe]

I really think we are continually talking past the OPs issue. It’s not her anger he is affected by and he hasn’t even attempted to shift the blame for his own flaws. It’s that particular aspect of her attack on his human dignity that truly amounts to verbal abuse. She deems it acceptable to ‘take revenge’ by going for the jugular. And it’s not just about the words themselves. Even in sign language there are signs that aren’t just lashing out but are meant to demean the other. Those are things that slowly erode the marriage bond from the inside like cancer.

And that’s also exactly what the silent treatment does, too.

We have an older relative who gave us the silent treatment for nearly a decade–I don’t know how truly culpable he was, but it was a terrible experience.

Some rage would have been a relief, frankly.

Edited to add: In our situation, the relative who was shunning us also harmed his relationships with other members of his family by giving us the silent treatment. It affected everyone in the family.

 

[Xantippe]

Here’s a piece on the effects of the silent treatment:

businessinsider.com/silent-treatment-is-toxic-to-relationships-2015-1

“The silent treatment may be a common response to conflict in relationships, but it is also one of the most destructive, according to a paper published last year in the journal Communication Monographs. The analysis examined 74 studies that looked at the effects of an overarching behavior called the demand-withdrawal pattern.”

"Past research has shown that, compared to other couples, those who practice the silent treatment are:

“less satisfied with their relationship
less intimate with one another
poorer communicators with their partners
It’s a bad habit that must be abandoned if a relationship is going to thrive.”

“Schrodt’s analysis encompassed studies on over 14,000 participants. In heterosexual relationships, he found, women were usually (though not always) the demanders while men were the ones who tended to withdraw from their partner’s demands, or responded with silence.”

"What’s worse is that the person receiving the silent treatment will grow increasingly frustrated by the lack of response, which will lead to even more demands that in turn frustrates their partner who withdraws even further.

“It becomes a vicious cycle,” Sean Horan, an assistant professor of communication at Texas State University, told The Wall Street Journal."

“Agree to take time to cool down and then come back to discuss what’s triggering the conflict when you’re both calm and willing to listen to on another.”

 

[bitterhope]

I really think we are continually talking past the OPs issue. It’s not her anger he is affected by and he hasn’t even attempted to shift the blame for his own flaws. It’s that particular aspect of her attack on his human dignity that truly amounts to verbal abuse. She deems it acceptable to ‘take revenge’ by going for the jugular. And it’s not just about the words themselves. Even in sign language there are signs that aren’t just lashing out but are meant to demean the other. Those are things that slowly erode the marriage bond from the inside like cancer.

This is why he needs to get help from someone accustomed to the military lifestyle. Our lives work differently. They understand that.

 

[LongingSoul]

And that’s also exactly what the silent treatment does, too.

We have an older relative who gave us the silent treatment for nearly a decade–I don’t know how truly culpable he was, but it was a terrible experience.

Some rage would have been a relief, frankly.

Edited to add: In our situation, the relative who was shunning us also harmed his relationships with other members of his family by giving us the silent treatment. It affected everyone in the family.

But again that goes off the point of the guys question here. He mentioned the silent treatment as a response that he knows isn’t healthy and helpful. It isn’t actually gaining anything positive and as he said himself, it’s probably reinforcing her behaviour.

You’re response to him regarding the silent treatment was as though he was defending it and needed to be sternly corrected… when he obviously knows that part. What does he do now is what he is asking.

 

[Allegra]

Does anyone else find it strange that the OP’s wive’s anger has suddenly escalated from one snarky comment after her husband was being rude to her, to tirades that involve calling 8-year-olds ‘retarded’? That’s like someone complaining about their husband leaving socks on the floor and then saying, “Oh, yeah, and sometimes he slaps me around.” You would think one would want to deal with the egregious, damaging offenses and not be fussing over something so insignificant.

 

[heidi_storage]

Does anyone else find it strange that the OP’s wive’s anger has suddenly escalated from one snarky comment after her husband was being rude to her, to tirades that involve calling 8-year-olds ‘retarded’? That’s like someone complaining about their husband leaving socks on the floor and then saying, “Oh, yeah, and sometimes he slaps me around.” You would think one would want to deal with the egregious, damaging offenses and not be fussing over something so insignificant.

Are you implying that he’s exaggerating or making stuff up? You may, of course, simply be wondering why he first disclosed a less extreme example, but your phraseology suggests otherwise.

Why aren’t people focusing more on the woman’s screaming at her kids?

Silent treatment to a spouse is damaging, as the man has acknowledged.

Raging at children and insulting them is worse. This is the sort of thing that messes kids up badly. The guy needs to protect his children. The minute his wife starts pulling this nonsense, he needs to remove the children from the situation and not let his wife interact with them until she has calmed down.

 

[Millie123]

Does anyone else find it strange that the OP’s wive’s anger has suddenly escalated from one snarky comment after her husband was being rude to her, to tirades that involve calling 8-year-olds ‘retarded’? That’s like someone complaining about their husband leaving socks on the floor and then saying, “Oh, yeah, and sometimes he slaps me around.” You would think one would want to deal with the egregious, damaging offenses and not be fussing over something so insignificant.

I don’t think it’s that strange. I think that Even in counseling it may take people multiple sessions before they come out and reveal the more harsh and ugly aspects of their problems. I think for men being verbally abused by your wife can feel especially emascalutaing. Which may make it harder for them to fully reveal the the full gravity of their problem.And I don’t think that the wife telling “up your…” Is insignificant. I personally would also be deeply hurt and offended by such crassness from my spouse

 

[bitterhope]

Are you implying that he’s exaggerating or making stuff up? You may, of course, simply be wondering why he first disclosed a less extreme example, but your phraseology suggests otherwise.

Why aren’t people focusing more on the woman’s screaming at her kids?

Silent treatment to a spouse is damaging, as the man has acknowledged.

Raging at children and insulting them is worse. This is the sort of thing that messes kids up badly. The guy needs to protect his children. The minute his wife starts pulling this nonsense, he needs to remove the children from the situation and not let his wife interact with them until she has calmed down.

And this is a big reason he needs to contact MFLC or the chaplains or military one source. They have channels that are suitable for military families. Our lifestyle isn’t going to allow for lots of things like set counseling session dates/times. But he needs real life resources that understand the time constraints and are accustomed to this family dynamic. It’s very common for this to happen. They are able to give him the support he needs and suggestions on how to get her to accept the support she needs.

 

[pacoenelsaco]

"Contact MFLC. Contact Army Onesource. Contact your unit chaplain or even better the Catholic chaplain on post. Army priests are amazing and have always taken care of my family. Luckily my husband’s unit chaplain is a priest and is deploying with him. All these options are free and confidential and they will not tip off your chain of command unless you are homicidal/suicidal. Military family life consultants don’t even keep records. You don’t even need to tell them your name. Getting help in real life is the best option for you or anyone else in similar situations. Nobody here will really offer you anything besides opinions and those opinions may make things worse for both of you.

I’ll say a prayer for you and your marriage. I know it’s hard. I’ve been married 18 years, my husband has gone between Active Duty and Reserves a few times with a small break thrown in for our entire marriage. Total of 12 years active or activated reservist. We have 8 kids. Trust me, I get the stress and I know you need time to chill after you get home. I think it’s best if you get that your wife has needs too and try to find ways to balance yours with hers. PM me if you need more resources or if the links don’t give you what you need. There’s tons of free help for soldiers and their families available.

militaryonesource.mil/army

https://www.hnfs.com/content/hnfs/ho...ome/tn/bene/bh"

Thank you SO much for this. I think out of all the posts I’ve seen, this has hands down been the most helpful one and it helps to know that it comes from someone who can relate to my lifestyle. I’m sorry your husband has spent so much time away from you and trust me, I can totally relate. It’s for that reason that I’m debating wether or not I want to stay in the Army. But we’ll see. Again, thank you so much. I really appreciate it and will definetly be in touch

**"But again that goes off the point of the guys question here. He mentioned the silent treatment as a response that he knows isn’t healthy and helpful. It isn’t actually gaining anything positive and as he said himself, it’s probably reinforcing her behaviour.

You’re response to him regarding the silent treatment was as though he was defending it and needed to be sternly corrected… when he obviously knows that part. What does he do now is what he is asking. **

**"Why aren’t people focusing more on the woman’s screaming at her kids?

Silent treatment to a spouse is damaging, as the man has acknowledged.

Raging at children and insulting them is worse. This is the sort of thing that messes kids up badly."**

Thank you! This is precisely what I’ve been trying to express in a nutshell. But to my unfortunate amazement, even on a Catholic forum you find trolls that have absolutely nothing better to do than ignore all the positive things you mention in a post and focus only on the bad things you mention. Thus making it out to sound like I’m this monster when in reality they have no clue what is really going on. Even when the facts are in they’re face they still want to twist things around and make it sound like I’m the bad person when again, they don’t even know or understand the full spectrum of the situation. I don’t know if it’s straight up immaturity, or just wanting to defend my wife’s actions just because she’s a female, or if it’s because these people haven’t gone through these situations themselves. But I got no time anymore to be spending on the pettiness of people like this who are clearly ignoring the message of what I’m trying to convey, totally ignoring the good things I’ve mentioned, and trying to make me out like I’m some kind of monster. So whatever, I’m done with all these trolls and they’re immaturity and pettiness. You would think that on a forum site dedicated to our lord Christ that you wouldn’t find such stupidity. But whatever, I hope and pray these people learn to grow up and open they’re eyes one day.

Either way, thank you all for at least understanding where I come from and all your helpful insight God bless you all and again, I will take what you all have said to heart.

 

[EasterJoy]

…making it out to sound like I’m this monster when in reality they have no clue what is really going on. Even when the facts are in they’re face they still want to twist things around and make it sound like I’m the bad person when again, they don’t even know or understand the full spectrum of the situation. I don’t know if it’s straight up immaturity, or just wanting to defend my wife’s actions just because she’s a female, or if it’s because these people haven’t gone through these situations themselves. But I got no time anymore to be spending on the pettiness of people like this who are clearly ignoring the message of what I’m trying to convey, totally ignoring the good things I’ve mentioned, and trying to make me out like I’m some kind of monster. So whatever, I’m done with all these trolls and they’re immaturity and pettiness…

We have kind of a joke saying at our house:

In any emergency, the first and most important item of business is to correctly assess blame.

Of course, you know that blaming accomplishes nothing. Instead, the military has taught us to look at misses and even near-misses as learning opportunities. The idea is not to look for blame or to dream of how things would work in an ideal world in which all is perfect. In the real world, expect SNAFU, right? The idea is to ask ourselves how we can achieve the greatest accomplishments and avoid the most damaging kinds of mistakes by how we set up our protocols to recognize the resources we actually have, the situation we are actually in, and the strengths and weaknesses we each actually have.

You and your wife are who you are, and the bottom line is that you are each other’s best friend. Of all the people who have your back, you can each put your spouse #1 on that list. The task, then, is to leave blame behind (your goal from the start, I believe) and identify what you want to accomplish, what disasters you want to avoid at all costs, and what concrete protocols you and your wife can start to put into place in order to make that happen.

Professional counselors are the experts at that. If the military has some to offer you, I’d try them. You always have the authority to decide they aren’t what you need, after all. What do you have to lose by using them for ideas, guidance, and support? Do that, and no matter where bad advice comes from, just ignore it. That’s your authority; don’t apologize for it.

PS I think you got the advice aimed at you because you’re the one here asking for advice. The only one you can control is you. It doesn’t do much good to offer advice for what your wife ought to do, because she isn’t asking us for advice. Try to take it in that vein, and let go of what is not helpful without taking the bad advice personally. That is the price of free advice, and a good way to get the most good and the least bad from it.

 

[Xantippe]

We have kind of a joke saying at our house:

In any emergency, the first and most important item of business is to correctly assess blame.

Of course, you know that blaming accomplishes nothing. Instead, the military has taught us to look at misses and even near-misses as learning opportunities. The idea is not to look for blame or to dream of how things would work in an ideal world in which all is perfect. In the real world, expect SNAFU, right? The idea is to ask ourselves how we can achieve the greatest accomplishments and avoid the most damaging kinds of mistakes by how we set up our protocols to recognize the resources we actually have, the situation we are actually in, and the strengths and weaknesses we each actually have.

You and your wife are who you are, and the bottom line is that you are each other’s best friend. Of all the people who have your back, you can each put your spouse #1 on that list. The task, then, is to leave blame behind (your goal from the start, I believe) and identify what you want to accomplish, what disasters you want to avoid at all costs, and what concrete protocols you and your wife can start to put into place in order to make that happen.

Professional counselors are the experts at that. If the military has some to offer you, I’d try them. You always have the authority to decide they aren’t what you need, after all.

Right.

The goal is to have a better marriage, not to precisely apportion blame.

Again, read some of John Gottman’s stuff and read “Don’t Shoot the Dog.”

Positive reinforcement works. Try some.

 

[Allegra]

Are you implying that he’s exaggerating or making stuff up? You may, of course, simply be wondering why he first disclosed a less extreme example, but your phraseology suggests otherwise.

Why aren’t people focusing more on the woman’s screaming at her kids?

Silent treatment to a spouse is damaging, as the man has acknowledged.

Raging at children and insulting them is worse. This is the sort of thing that messes kids up badly. The guy needs to protect his children. The minute his wife starts pulling this nonsense, he needs to remove the children from the situation and not let his wife interact with them until she has calmed down.

Probably because he didn’t mention it until the 66th post. I agree with everything you said regarding protecting the children, if this is actually what is going on. But, more or less, I suspect he’s upped the ante on the story because he didn’t get the reaction he was hoping for with the first one. It doesn’t make sense to me that a person would want help with dealing with anger management issues and provide as evidence a story that is a non-example of an anger management issue when he has multiple examples of real verbal abuse and violence.

 

[gardenswithkids]

Paco-
Thank you for coming back to write that you found Bitter Hope’s post helpful. She wrote a great post.

You’re right that I don’t know what it’s like to go through what you are going through. I want to say I’m sorry that I wrote things that offended you. Let me be clear that I don’t think that you are a bad person. I was trying to help, but I’ll stay out of this now and just say a prayer for you, your wife and your children.

 

[ClearWater]

Besides counseling, there is Retrovaille, though I’ve never tried it.