How to react with a Christlike attitude

[mariacamille]

warning: Novel.

One thing I’ve noticed about myself over my life is that people tend to use me. I’ve had very few friends, and every single one of them has used me in some sort of hurtful way (other than my husband). I’ve attempted to embrace this…maybe this is my mission, to help people feel better about themselves. I’ve tried to tell myself that what I think, what I feel, doesn’t really matter in the long run. Basically “If I can make other people happy by denying myself…then it’s ok. Jesus let people do atrocious things to him…maybe I’m following in his footsteps.” But then…it gets old, and I realize then that I have no self worth and that I am a Temple of the Holy Spirit…why am I letting people act that way towards me??

I never had anyone outside of my family, before my husband, that I could completely trust…mostly because they would walk on me and make me feel unimportant in their midst.

Right now I’m 7000 miles away from my family living in Japan with my husband (he’s military). I attempted to step outside of my comfort zone when I moved here and attempted to meet new people and start fresh, as it were. Out of the many people I’ve met…they’ve all hurt me in one form or another so painfully that I had to separate myself away from them.

I once again have only one friend I hang out with, and I’ve noticed that she is quite naive and gullible, but she does try to be Christian. But she has the same watered down faith where she wants to pick and choose things to believe or not believe, that birth control is ok (because “people still get pregnant on birth control. If God wants it to happen, it’ll happen anyways.”). She has so little self esteem that she actually OVER does it with outward confidence and pretty much makes other people (ie: me) feel bad about themselves. I have honestly felt God calling me to help her…to be a good example to her, to be humble and to truly listen to what she has to say. The problem: She never does the same for me. Time and time again she has wanted me to be around as a comfort zone…but then ignore me…whether it to be caught up in her smart phone texting other people, or asking me out to a bar so she wouldn’t be alone, then meeting up with other people and basically leaving me to hang out with them. But I’ve never said anything to her…hoping one day that she’d see my example and learn from it.

I recently had my second miscarriage and since then I’ve had absolutely zero tolerance for people treating me like that and have reacted like a normal person would in such circumstances…by showing my hurt and telling her why she’s hurt me. But all of a sudden, I’ve hurt her and made her angry. So basically, I’ve put up with her demeaning me for months, and as soon as I stand up for myself, I’m the bad person.

I have been in a spiritual struggle for months now, and I’m finally back on the right path. But I’m confused as how to address this type of attitude anymore. I know this girl is honestly trying…but pretty much every time I’m around her I feel horrible about myself. I understand being humble and whatnot…but being humble does not have to mean letting people make you feel like trash.

Right?

 

[Pfaffenhoffen]

warning: Novel.

One thing I’ve noticed about myself over my life is that people tend to use me. I’ve had very few friends, and every single one of them has used me in some sort of hurtful way (other than my husband). I’ve attempted to embrace this…maybe this is my mission, to help people feel better about themselves. I’ve tried to tell myself that what I think, what I feel, doesn’t really matter in the long run. Basically “If I can make other people happy by denying myself…then it’s ok. Jesus let people do atrocious things to him…maybe I’m following in his footsteps.” But then…it gets old, and I realize then that I have no self worth and that I am a Temple of the Holy Spirit…why am I letting people act that way towards me??

I never had anyone outside of my family, before my husband, that I could completely trust…mostly because they would walk on me and make me feel unimportant in their midst.

Right now I’m 7000 miles away from my family living in Japan with my husband (he’s military). I attempted to step outside of my comfort zone when I moved here and attempted to meet new people and start fresh, as it were. Out of the many people I’ve met…they’ve all hurt me in one form or another so painfully that I had to separate myself away from them.

I once again have only one friend I hang out with, and I’ve noticed that she is quite naive and gullible, but she does try to be Christian. But she has the same watered down faith where she wants to pick and choose things to believe or not believe, that birth control is ok (because “people still get pregnant on birth control. If God wants it to happen, it’ll happen anyways.”). She has so little self esteem that she actually OVER does it with outward confidence and pretty much makes other people (ie: me) feel bad about themselves. I have honestly felt God calling me to help her…to be a good example to her, to be humble and to truly listen to what she has to say. The problem: She never does the same for me. Time and time again she has wanted me to be around as a comfort zone…but then ignore me…whether it to be caught up in her smart phone texting other people, or asking me out to a bar so she wouldn’t be alone, then meeting up with other people and basically leaving me to hang out with them. But I’ve never said anything to her…hoping one day that she’d see my example and learn from it.

I recently had my second miscarriage and since then I’ve had absolutely zero tolerance for people treating me like that and have reacted like a normal person would in such circumstances…by showing my hurt and telling her why she’s hurt me. But all of a sudden, I’ve hurt her and made her angry. So basically, I’ve put up with her demeaning me for months, and as soon as I stand up for myself, I’m the bad person.

I have been in a spiritual struggle for months now, and I’m finally back on the right path. But I’m confused as how to address this type of attitude anymore. I know this girl is honestly trying…but pretty much every time I’m around her I feel horrible about myself. I understand being humble and whatnot…but being humble does not have to mean letting people make you feel like trash.

Right?

I had the same problem as you.
Read all you can about this subject. Look in Google and so on.
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Assertiveness
If you need further help, do not hesitate in PM me or post it here.
If !!! I can help

 

[Small_Fish]

I am sorry for your heartache. My wife endured such disappointments as well. From what my wife has told me she has distanced herself away from “toxic” people or those people that have a cloud of negativity about them. She said she " listens " more to what people say that may approach her taking her kindness for a weakness and she has noticed that they seem to have a common body language and some personality traits that throw up red flags to her. Before she mistook them for needing help to recognizing users and emotional vampires so to speak. She now gives herself time to separate the wheat from the chafe. The hardest thing she had to admit to herself was that she may have given off “emotionally needy vibes” that set herself up. She said by recognizing that, she feels more empowered and confident and knows her friendship worth. I wanted to comment because I remember that she said she had to have a Christ like attitude with herself first so she could fair and truly embrace others with same.
I hope I didn’t overstep or offend. I know my wife has had a heavy heart with similar and it broke my heart to see her struggle. I hope things get better for you and the Lord blesses your good hearts.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Here is a book that has helped me and many others with these types of problems.

Boundaries

You can usually find it in libraries, but it’s in paperback and not expensive. It’s worth it’s weight in gold, in my opinion, It’s written from a Christian perspective which is very helpful since sometimes Christians get the very wrong impression that we live on this earth to be used by others. This is not pleasing to God, if it hurts us.

 

[mariacamille]

Smallfish: Oh no, you are perfectly correct. I understand completely. I came to the realization lately when I finally had enough of the one friend treating me so horribly that I didn’t NEED her. In fact, I realized that I need no one except my husband, my God, and my family…anyone else is welcome to walk with me on my journey, but they’re welcome to walk away if they don’t respect me, either. I’ve had to distance many of the toxic people too. I noticed that when I was around them, I hated who I was. I wasn’t acting like myself. I was gossipy and nasty and just…not christian. Once I stopped being around them, I was myself again…and much happier.

I honestly love listening to people…I’m a shoulder they can cry on or someone they can vent to when life is eating at them. I’m quiet, and I think a lot…especially when I’m around more than 1 person. But I had a bad habit of letting people completely destroy my own self confidence, just so they could feel good about themselves. I’ve learned to get over my own ‘issues’ though, and not let them control me or how I act around others.

I just don’t know the proper balance…between caring for people and not letting them use me…but still being Christlike when I put my foot down. I have no idea how to do that. When I’ve had enough, I apparently “hurt” these people…when all I’m doing is calmly telling them that I don’t like the way they treat me… and they tell me that I should stop being so ‘mean.’

???

I think I was meant to be a hermit, lol!

Thank you, Pfaffenhoffen. I never really thought of it as an issue with being assertive. I’m sorry that you had to go through this too. It was harder for me when I was younger. Now…it’s just an annoyance, honestly, that people think it’s okay to treat their friends like that.

Just…as a young adult almost to her mid 20s, it’d be nice to find people my age that didn’t act like they were still in highschool.

But do you think it’s better to completely cut off everyone…and have no friends…orrr to remain in their lives to be a good example of Christian living, and somehow find the happy medium of standing up for oneself without being…‘mean.’

 

[mariacamille]

Here is a book that has helped me and many others with these types of problems.

Boundaries

You can usually find it in libraries, but it’s in paperback and not expensive. It’s worth it’s weight in gold, in my opinion, It’s written from a Christian perspective which is very helpful since sometimes Christians get the very wrong impression that we live on this earth to be used by others. This is not pleasing to God, if it hurts us.

I’ll have to see if I can find it! It sounds like exactly what I need to read.

 

[Small_Fish]

@MariaCamille, oh I know … My wife had a lot of heartache. She would make all the effort and only be convenient for others and ONLY if they wanted something from her. I am very proud of her, she feels secure in marriage and God too. Others would say she was being mean when she expressed her feelings to them. She told me that she stopped worrying about what others thought. She was beautiful to me and to God and we both have great family and are very blessed. She began to feel pity for those others that felt the need to use and abuse others. Perhaps MariaCamille prayer for them is the best offering to give them. They truly may not be blessed with the happiness and security you have.
My wife is strong now and stands on her own ground and knows her choices and kindness are hers and hers to give or withhold. Sometimes Gods answer is no and no can be just as ChristLike as a yes can be.

 

[Pfaffenhoffen]

Smallfish: Oh no, you are perfectly correct. I understand completely. I came to the realization lately when I finally had enough of the one friend treating me so horribly that I didn’t NEED her. In fact, I realized that I need no one except my husband, my God, and my family…anyone else is welcome to walk with me on my journey, but they’re welcome to walk away if they don’t respect me, either. I’ve had to distance many of the toxic people too. I noticed that when I was around them, I hated who I was. I wasn’t acting like myself. I was gossipy and nasty and just…not christian. Once I stopped being around them, I was myself again…and much happier.

I honestly love listening to people…I’m a shoulder they can cry on or someone they can vent to when life is eating at them. I’m quiet, and I think a lot…especially when I’m around more than 1 person. But I had a bad habit of letting people completely destroy my own self confidence, just so they could feel good about themselves. I’ve learned to get over my own ‘issues’ though, and not let them control me or how I act around others.

I just don’t know the proper balance…between caring for people and not letting them use me…but still being Christlike when I put my foot down. I have no idea how to do that. When I’ve had enough, I apparently “hurt” these people…when all I’m doing is calmly telling them that I don’t like the way they treat me… and they tell me that I should stop being so ‘mean.’

???

I think I was meant to be a hermit, lol!

Thank you, Pfaffenhoffen. I never really thought of it as an issue with being assertive. I’m sorry that you had to go through this too. It was harder for me when I was younger. Now…it’s just an annoyance, honestly, that people think it’s okay to treat their friends like that.

Just…as a young adult almost to her mid 20s, it’d be nice to find people my age that didn’t act like they were still in highschool.

But do you think it’s better to completely cut off everyone…and have no friends…orrr to remain in their lives to be a good example of Christian living, and somehow find the happy medium of standing up for oneself without being…‘mean.’

I think I was meant to be a hermit, lol!

Wrong turn.
Read what I told you…

 

[mariacamille]

Wrong turn.
Read what I told you…

I did, and it provided much insight, thank you! My hermit comment was actually laughing at my situation…it’s a joke I’ve had about myself for many years…gotta learn to laugh at oneself and not take it too seriously.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I’ll have to see if I can find it! It sounds like exactly what I need to read.

Believe me, you will need to read it more than once. Some of the things discussed will not sink in the first time. You will recognize yourself and if you’re like me, you’ll think, “I’m not THAT bad, am I?”



Also, I see in your post above that you mention you need “balance,” and that you think you have a problem drawing boundaries without hurting others. Please consider that others’ reactions do NOT mean that you are being un-Christian. When someone has been enjoying using you for his/her own purposes, and you draw a boundary, that person is NOT going to be happy about it! Especially if the person has some narcissistic traits or is a true narcissist, because you are in effect, cutting off the supply of attention that person absolutely MUST have in order to live (or so they believe). So if you draw what is a reasonable boundary, and the person flips out, just note that over-reaction and keep walking in the other direction. Don’t base your own choices on the reactions of others. It is likely that no one in your life right now will appreciate any changes in the way you deal with them.

It could also be that you allow others to violate boundaries or you don’t set them carefully enough, and then you feel abused, but you tell yourself you don’t, until you actually work yourself into a rage and you DO hurt people. That is being passive-aggressive. You don’t take care of yourself and then you act out when you reach your limit. Better to establish those boundaries early in the relationship so you don’t have to explode with anger at some point down the line.