How to relate with people you love but are making bad life choices

[Origen52]

What is the Christian position on interacting with someone you love, but is making a bad decision.? The situation, very briefly, involves one of my nephews, with whom I have had a close relationship. He turned to me for advice in a situation involving his relationship with an older woman. He said he was trying to break it off, but she kept trying to get him back into the relationship. Neither of them is married. I tried to advise him as well as I could. He initiated the call for help. Now, he’s back with the woman, says they agree the relationship will not be serious because of the age difference; he’s 21 she’s 28. He says they will only stay together as long as he’s studying in her country, end of June. I warned him against doing this for several reasons, including the potential for her getting pregnant,the fact that it will be that much harder to separate after another three months. Since he is a professed atheist religious aspects are not a consideration for him.

He has informed me that he values me being in his life. My reply was that in light of his decision, I really have nothing else to say to him. I love him, but I feel that it is obvious my advice, given only after it was asked for, has little meaning to him.

Part of me wonders if the attempt to keep communications open are influenced by the fact that my husband and I have no children and are financially well off. My gut reaction is to rewrite my will and leave the bulk of my estate to another nephew, not his brother.

I would like to get some unbiased opinions. Thank you.

 

[shainski]

He asked you for your advice and you gave it to him. I think you should be honored that he wants your opinion. I think keeping lines of communication open are the way that we eventually can influence people.

And you may very well have made a difference with your thoughts.

I don’t think than that you should be distraught over the situation that he seems to be ignoring your wisdom. I think it would be wrong for you to retaliate over it.

You gave him your counsel. We must think that he has used that as part of his decision.

Have you truly done everything that someone else has suggested - even after you have sought their advice? I know I haven’t.

And a 21 year old dating a 28 year old - while perhaps ill-advised - doesn’t seem to be immoral. (not to me).

He wants you in his life. Your influence may eventually what it takes to see the light. If you truly love him, don’t sever the relationship over this.

And that is my advice. (which you asked for). But I will not hold it against you if you choose a different route!

 

[Xantippe]

Origen52 said:

“He turned to me for advice in a situation involving his relationship with an older woman. He said he was trying to break it off, but she kept trying to get him back into the relationship. Neither of them is married. I tried to advise him as well as I could. He initiated the call for help. Now, he’s back with the woman, says they agree the relationship will not be serious because of the age difference; he’s 21 she’s 28. He says they will only stay together as long as he’s studying in her country, end of June. I warned him against doing this for several reasons, including the potential for her getting pregnant,the fact that it will be that much harder to separate after another three months. Since he is a professed atheist religious aspects are not a consideration for him.”

The chance of her getting pregnant in this situation is about 50%, I’m guessing. A 28-year-old woman who wants a baby NOW and who perhaps is interested in US citizenship is not going to be super scrupulous about birth control.

If the subject comes up, point out to him that he is being very unfair to her. She obviously cares way more about him than he cares about her, and he is taking advantage of her feelings for him. She is taking what she can get, even if it’s just crumbs.

“He has informed me that he values me being in his life. My reply was that in light of his decision, I really have nothing else to say to him. I love him, but I feel that it is obvious my advice, given only after it was asked for, has little meaning to him.”

He knew he was doing wrong and being stupid (even just by secular standards), which is why he asked.

“Part of me wonders if the attempt to keep communications open are influenced by the fact that my husband and I have no children and are financially well off. My gut reaction is to rewrite my will and leave the bulk of my estate to another nephew, not his brother.”

That would be a good idea–but don’t tell him. You can rewrite it as the situation develops.

 

[Xantippe]

If the subject comes up, you might ask him, 30 years from now, if you had a daughter, how would you feel if she was seeing a man who was treating her the way you are treating this woman?

 

[BlueEyedLady]

If the subject comes up, you might ask him, 30 years from now, if you had a daughter, how would you feel if she was seeing a man who was treating her the way you are treating this woman?

Don’t you think you’re making a lot of assumptions? How on earth could you know that she wants a baby right now (and US citizenship???) and that she’s more invested than he is?

Have you ever been to Europe? I studied there, and although I didn’t have romantic entanglements, some of my classmates did. Age gaps like this weren’t uncommon in these arrangements. And most European women are not out for US citizenship, and many wouldn’t even take it if it was offered.

My impression of the situation was that he was having a fling, feelings got involved, he recognized the temporary nature of his time there and the relationship, and tried to break it off, but his feelings were too strong. My guess is that she’s 28 and having a little fun, and he’s a 21 year old about to have his heart broken. I think that instead of trying to guilt him about exploiting her, a better path for the OP to take www would be to make it clear that you’re there for him no matter what, and that he can always talk to you.

I am not sure why the OP is angry though. People are not obligated to take our advice, even when they ask for it. Asking your opinion did not entitle you to make his choices or be mad when he went against your advice. He loves and respects you, and obviously thinks you’re wise, but that doesn’t mean that he will, or even should, just do what you say.

 

[Xantippe]

BEL said:

“Don’t you think you’re making a lot of assumptions? How on earth could you know that she wants a baby right now (and US citizenship???) and that she’s more invested than he is?”

We know she is chasing him pretty hard, from the OP’s description. I think that the guy is probably kidding himself with this FWB until June stuff. I think there’s a clear mismatch between what the two of them want out of the relationship, even if it isn’t clear what exactly she wants.

I had in mind another thread running right now where there’s a young woman in this sort of relationship who unexpectedly found herself pregnant. Nobody but her is surprised, I’m sure.

“Have you ever been to Europe?”

In passing. I’m mainly familiar with Eastern Europe and Russia–I did a study abroad in St. Petersburg and worked in the Russian Far East for two years, I’m married to a Polish citizen, my kids are eligible for EU citizenship, and I have in-law connections in Germany and Poland. I’m a pretty cosmopolitan gal, as Americans go.

Bear in mind that the OP did not actually say that the nephew is in Europe. I suspect it is Europe, but we don’t know that for a fact.

“I studied there, and although I didn’t have romantic entanglements, some of my classmates did. Age gaps like this weren’t uncommon in these arrangements. And most European women are not out for US citizenship, and many wouldn’t even take it if it was offered.”

I don’t think the age gap is terrible, but the difference in goals is. This is the set up for an “unexpected” pregnancy.

Regarding US citizenship: my husband has a green card through marriage with me, which very much eased his getting a good job in the US. (That was sort of my dowry.) My sister’s husband also has a green card through her and is thus able to work with a major US corporation here. They are both citizens of perfectly good countries, but it’s always nice to have more options.

“My guess is that she’s 28 and having a little fun, and he’s a 21 year old about to have his heart broken. I think that instead of trying to guilt him about exploiting her, a better path for the OP to take www would be to make it clear that you’re there for him no matter what, and that he can always talk to you.”

That last sentence is important, but I think he is behaving badly.

I don’t think anybody should be having sex with anybody that they aren’t prepared to have a baby with.