How to Resolve Wedding-Related Disagreements?

[hopeful01]

HI Everyone!

My sweetheart and I are married civilly and will be marrying in church soon. It recently came to my attention that an aunt of mine (the wife of my dad’s older brother) has gotten into an argument with my mom. We are Asian and have some traditions such as wedding sponsors (essentially “godparents” at the wedding who stand as witnesses) at Catholic weddings.

Apparently, this aunt asked my mom if my mom’s issues with my dad’s family was the reason why none of them (aunts/uncles from my dad’s side) were included in the wedding entourage. My mom of course said that our choice of people in the wedding entourage was ours alone and had nothing to do with my mom’s issues with the family.

My bridesmaids are best friends of mine from school & my future sister in law. Our wedding sponsors are my godparents from baptism & confirmation. I have no relatives from my mom’s or my dad’s side on the wedding entourage.

This Aunt also seemed to take offense at how no printed invitations were sent to relatives back home (my fiance & I are getting married in the US). My parents sent out email invitations & asked for their mailing addresses but none of my dad’s sisters replied with their mailing address.

An added issue is how my wedding here in the US will be held on the same day as a cousin’s wedding back home.

My mom was naturally incensed at her meddling. And asked me to email my aunt. Being an obedient daughter, I did. Although I worded it in such a way so that it would appear that I emailed her because my mom mentioned that she (my aunt) was “curious” about how we chose our sponsors & who to send printed invitations to.

I told my aunt we were on a tight budget and how this limited me to being able to print only 80 invitations. So I opted to have my parents inform relatives back home by email & phone calls. Plus I figured that it would be polite on my part not to poach on his guest list since since (1) my cousin got engaged first; (2) seemed to have informed our common relatives of his wedding date earlier (I did not find out until after my dad emailed his siblings that he was getting married the same day); and (3) his wedding which is being held in our home country would be more convenient & cheaper for our common relatives to attend.

Another cousin of ours got married in the US last year (my aunt’s daughter) and even though my aunt invited everyone & sent them all invitations, only I and one other aunt made the trip stateside. Everyone else said it was too expensive.

This aunt of mine has already RSVP’d. She & my uncle are attending the wedding. They live in the US so it will definitely be more convenient for them to come to our wedding.

Sorry about the long lead up… But here are my questions:
1- My mom wants me to email my aunt again to tell her that I am old enough to make my own decisions. I told my mom that this would only fuel the fire and would be interpreted as me doing what my mom ordered me to do (which is actually true). Is it disrespectful of me to refuse to do what my mom wants?
2- I am concerned that this will become a bigger issue within the extended family. Is there anything I should do?
3- Was I wrong in not sending out mailed invitations to the same relatives my aunt sent invitations to for her daughter’s wedding?

Sigh… I’d really love someone else’s (name removed by moderator)ut.

 

[Christy_Beth]

I think your mom should work out her own problems on her own and not expect you to do it for her. If she and this Aunt have problems, then maybe then need to sit down and talk it over. Especially since this is your marriage, not theirs. Don’t let this spoil what is suppose to be a beautiful day.

 

[SonCatcher]

My wife is Vietnamese and warned me that such things happen in Asian families. Thankfully, I haven’t witnessed such pettiness among her close relatives (though it is present among second-cousins and more distant relations).

Some people are impossible to please regardless of what you try to do. Further, it is unlikely they would accept any attempt at explanation. Perhaps a short, handwritten note that you are sorry for the misunderstanding and that you meant no disrespect would be the best way to handle the issue.

 

[hopeful01]

Christy Beth, SonCatcher, & Monicad…

Thank you for your (name removed by moderator)ut. Actually, my fiance has told me that my mom can be “mean” sometimes. He heard her call me fat and has seen the many times my mom would tell me to lose weight. She even said she would sew my gown smaller than the measurements I gave her so that I would be compelled to diet & exercise. Later on, she did tell me she would wait to see me before finalizing the dress…

Sigh…

I guess I feel like I owe her so much because when she got pregnant with me (she got pregnant before my dad married her), my dad told her to get an abortion but she steadfastly said no. And when my Dad was cheating on her for years while he was unemployed, she did not leave him but instead worked and supported the entire family while taking care of all the household chores as well. I know she has suffered a lot and I try to make it up to her, I guess.

I try to distance myself from any disagreements or problems she has with her sisters or her in-laws. But I know how they mistreated her before. So I try to be on her side without alienating my relatives. At the same time, I know she can be “passionate” about defending herself (and her family) when she feels she (or we) have been wronged. So I try to temper things…

it is hard.

Thanks for your advice. I appreciate it very much. I will definitely pray about this…

God bless you all!

 

[Lorelei12]

You don’t need to explain anything to anyone. You already tried, and if your aunt doesn’t like it, then it’s her problem. Sometimes I think explaining yourself away makes it seem like you did something wrong, when really there is nothing wrong with deciding you want your friends as bridesmaids or that you didn’t mail invitations because you didn’t even have the addresses!

I went through this too- not exactly the same situation, but some family members were unhappy with our guest list and either questioned it, wrote extra people into the reply cards, expressed irritation about it, or the worst- threatened not to attend the wedding over it. In the end you just have to let people act how they’re going to act, rude or not. It was very frustrating, and I cried a lot over it because I never wanted to offend anyone or make them unhappy, and I just wanted our wedding to be a nice celebration. Finally I realized trying to explain how we arrived at our decisions of who to include on the guest list (we had limited resources, the room was small, etc etc) was making things worse- and I just stopped. I started saying “I’m sorry you cannot bring so-and-so, but we hope to see you there.”

Your mom asked you to email your aunt once, and you did. You explained more to her than she even deserved. If your aunt still has an issue and cannot back off about it, then I would let your mother deal with her. These types of things were one of the reasons I was so relieved when the wedding was over. It was beautiful, but exhausting and emotionally draining because of others’ expectations.

As for who you sent mailed invitations to- it sounds like you tried to get addresses and people didn’t get back to you. You can only chase so many people down, especially if they aren’t in the same country. You’re not obligated to invite anyone- there were relatives we did not invite, for reasons varying from we barely knew them to wanting to have a peace filled wedding without drama. You already explained the situation to your aunt and if she doesn’t like it she can either get over it or not attend.

Do your best not to let other people ruin your joy. I know it’s hard, but it is wonderful that you are being married in the church, and that is what matters.

 

[hopeful01]

Monicad & Lorelei12,

Thanks for your advice and suggestions and comments… I appreciate them! It helps me put things into perspective and feel less bad about the whole situation…