How to respond like Jesus?

[Mary67]

I agree. In the beginning of the marriage she expected us (as in me and her) to go out all the time. But when I went with her alone, she would say things she wouldn’t if she were in front of my husband. After getting hurt as well as having more demands in my schedule I stopped going out with her without my husband. But then she started mocking me for stating I was busy. It’s was as if she didn’t believe that I was. After that my husband confronted her she got upset and said “ what about me?!” and then she gave us both the silent treatment. After it blew over (or so we thought) we saw her more often. But, all along she would do passive aggressive things like spend hundreds of dollars on the rest of the family and leave me out, or give me self help books, or just simply exclude me whenever we are around her. She never asks about me either. Never asks my husband how I am and never directly asks me either. I literally feel invisible around her. Basically, I’m a nuisance to her image of a perfect family. She has even told my husband before that “no one can steal” him from her. But, all I ever wanted was to have a happy family. I wanted so bad to have a good relationship with her but it just never worked out. I think she had made up her mind about me even at the wedding because her best friend made a really rude comment to me out of the blue and I don’t even know her!
But whatever, I’m done. My husband will be the mediator of any family business.

 

[TheLittleLady]

Well, I personally don’t consider it a lie to withhold information from people who have no right to know the answer to the question they’re asking…even if that means technically saying something that isn’t true.

However, that is not how the Church defines a lie, this is a topic that has been covered in innumerable threads.

 

[TheLittleLady]

The Catechism teaches about lies and lying, there is a big difference between lying and not revealing the truth.

Q “Are you pregnant?”

Non lie answers that do not reveal the truth:

“Did you see that baseball game yesterday?”

“Are you?”

“My spouse and I will lovingly accept children as God sends them.”

A simple smile and no answer.

These are ways to avoid a lie.

The Catechism:

2482 "A lie consists in speaking a falsehood with the intention of deceiving."281 The Lord denounces lying as the work of the devil: "You are of your father the devil, . . . there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks according to his own nature, for he is a liar and the father of lies."282

2483 Lying is the most direct offense against the truth. To lie is to speak or act against the truth in order to lead someone into error. By injuring man’s relation to truth and to his neighbor, a lie offends against the fundamental relation of man and of his word to the Lord.

2484 The gravity of a lie is measured against the nature of the truth it deforms, the circumstances, the intentions of the one who lies, and the harm suffered by its victims. If a lie in itself only constitutes a venial sin, it becomes mortal when it does grave injury to the virtues of justice and charity.

2485 By its very nature, lying is to be condemned. It is a profanation of speech, whereas the purpose of speech is to communicate known truth to others. The deliberate intention of leading a neighbor into error by saying things contrary to the truth constitutes a failure in justice and charity. The culpability is greater when the intention of deceiving entails the risk of deadly consequences for those who are led astray.

2486 Since it violates the virtue of truthfulness, a lie does real violence to another. It affects his ability to know, which is a condition of every judgment and decision. It contains the seed of discord and all consequent evils. Lying is destructive of society; it undermines trust among men and tears apart the fabric of social relationships.

2487 Every offense committed against justice and truth entails the duty of reparation, even if its author has been forgiven. When it is impossible publicly to make reparation for a wrong, it must be made secretly. If someone who has suffered harm cannot be directly compensated, he must be given moral satisfaction in the name of charity. This duty of reparation also concerns offenses against another’s reputation. This reparation, moral and sometimes material, must be evaluated in terms of the extent of the damage inflicted. It obliges in conscience.

IV. RESPECT FOR THE TRUTH

2488 The right to the communication of the truth is not unconditional. Everyone must conform his life to the Gospel precept of fraternal love. This requires us in concrete situations to judge whether or not it is appropriate to reveal the truth to someone who asks for it.

 

[Mary67]

Thank you for this post. Generally Speaking my husband usually is the one asked if I’m pregnant but he doesn’t really know the art of avoiding the question through an ambiguous answer. So, basically I told him I didn’t want us to lie so we both agreed to be open and honest. I think we both know better in the future though.

I think the gist of this post though is just asking how to be Christian when it comes to toxic in-laws. I don’t think either of us predicted that our parents would take our marriage as a personal offense. So, we felt blindsided with their reactions.

In the future is it wise to tell them after 12w mark that I’m pregnant or should we just keep up the distance? I want my kids to have a relationship with at least one side of grandparents. It would be really sad if that couldn’t happen without drama.

 

[Psalm30]

I want my kids to have a relationship with at least one side of grandparents. It would be really sad if that couldn’t happen without drama.

You might have to make peace with the fact that this may not be possible. I don’t want to sound discouraging, and I’m not even saying it is completely impossible. I’m just saying don’t try to force it. Based on what you’ve posted, it seems that any relationship would involve some sort of drama and toxicity.

 

[TheLittleLady]

I’d try for some family counseling.