How to respond to friend's divorce announcement

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GenerationHV

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I just got an email from an old friend. She announced she and her husband of 17 years are divorcing. My first thought was to email her info on retrovaille and of course offer prayers. Problem is, I have no personal experience with retrovaille I’ve only heard good things on this forum. Also I don’t want to come across as giving unsolicited advice. There was nothing in the email suggesting she was asking for advice, she indicated they had tried “lots of things” over the past year. On the other hand there is a retrovailles in our area in a few weeks and I feel like if I don’t tell her then their marriage might miss out on opportunity to recover.

Any advice please and thank you.
 
I would NOT give unsolicited advise! Why not invite her out to lunch and let her lead the conversation. And, offer to babysit her kids. 🙂
 
I think that if I announced the painful and humiliating decision to get a divorce and a friend sent me a link to just “one more thing” that I should try to save my marriage that would be the end of that friendship. Especially since that friend would not be privy to all of the gory details and reasons behind the divorce.
 
BlueEyedLady said:
I think that if I announced the painful and humiliating decision to get a divorce and a friend sent me a link to just “one more thing” that I should try to save my marriage that would be the end of that friendship. Especially since that friend would not be privy to all of the gory details and reasons behind the divorce.
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I have been faced with the same situation too many times recently. I also have a different opinion from the other posters. I believe you SHOULD reach out to your friend and suggest Retrovaille – although doing so at a lunch is a fabulous idea. You must do everything you can to save your friend’s marriage. It is her choice to listen or not, but you must try.

Of course your friend wasn’t asking advice. Her decision has been made, and she doesn’t want advice. But divorce can be stopped, and you must do your best to help stop it.

If your friend is Catholic, please remind her that she is pledged to her husband forever. If Protestant, remind her that “God hates divorce.” If your friend is secular, here is a line a buddy of ours shared, “Every divorce causes a disturbance in The Force.” You must use her language to reach her.

God bless you, and may God give you the perfect words to help this situation.
 
GenerationHV said:
I just got an email from an old friend. She announced she and her husband of 17 years are divorcing. My first thought was to email her info on retrovaille and of course offer prayers. Problem is, I have no personal experience with retrovaille I’ve only heard good things on this forum. Also I don’t want to come across as giving unsolicited advice. There was nothing in the email suggesting she was asking for advice, she indicated they had tried “lots of things” over the past year. On the other hand there is a retrovailles in our area in a few weeks and I feel like if I don’t tell her then their marriage might miss out on opportunity to recover.

Any advice please and thank you.
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I’m with the “don’t give advice unasked for” crowd. Tea and sympathy, only. And don’t take sides. If she complains about how badly her husband is treating her, just say something like, “wow, it sounds like you guys are having a really rough time of it.”

If you say something mean about her husband now, and then they make up later on, she will resent you for saying mean things about her husband.
 
guitarmom said:
I have been faced with the same situation too many times recently. I also have a different opinion from the other posters. I believe you SHOULD reach out to your friend and suggest Retrovaille – although doing so at a lunch is a fabulous idea. You must do everything you can to save your friend’s marriage. It is her choice to listen or not, but you must try.

Of course your friend wasn’t asking advice. Her decision has been made, and she doesn’t want advice. But divorce can be stopped, and you must do your best to help stop it.

If your friend is Catholic, please remind her that she is pledged to her husband forever. If Protestant, remind her that “God hates divorce.” If your friend is secular, here is a line a buddy of ours shared, “Every divorce causes a disturbance in The Force.” You must use her language to reach her.

God bless you, and may God give you the perfect words to help this situation.
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No, you do not have to do everything you can to save your friend’s marriage. It is her marriage, not yours. And there could be so much more going on there than what you realize. For all you know he has an alcohol problem, or he’s been cheating on her for years, or heaven forbid he’s abusive either towards her or their children. Not even the Catholic church requires that spouses stay together in dangerous or unhealthy households. You have absolutely no idea what is going on there and trying to get involved because you think that you know better than she does about her marriage is not going to go over well.
 
BlueEyedLady said:
I think that if I announced the painful and humiliating decision to get a divorce and a friend sent me a link to just “one more thing” that I should try to save my marriage that would be the end of that friendship. Especially since that friend would not be privy to all of the gory details and reasons behind the divorce.
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Country_Gal said:
I would NOT give unsolicited advise! Why not invite her out to lunch and let her lead the conversation. And, offer to babysit her kids. 🙂
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👍

**How to respond to friend’s divorce announcement:

“If you need anything of me, I am there for you in any way I can.”**
 
BlueEyedLady said:
I think that if I announced the painful and humiliating decision to get a divorce and a friend sent me a link to just “one more thing” that I should try to save my marriage that would be the end of that friendship. Especially since that friend would not be privy to all of the gory details and reasons behind the divorce.
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Oh, I hate agreeing with BEL. Hate it, hate it, hate it. But…

I agree with BEL.
 
Country_Gal said:
I would NOT give unsolicited advise! Why not invite her out to lunch and let her lead the conversation. And, offer to babysit her kids. 🙂
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And before meeting her for lunch, pray to the holy spirit for the wisdom and the words to help your friend. Perhaps just listening is what she needs right now.
 
You can never offend by having lunch to let her know you care and that you’re there if she needs anything at all. Telling her you’re praying for her (and actually doing it!) is an amazing gift! It will also remind you to contact her now and then and make sure she’s doing ok. This may open a door to share any programs you’re aware of, or you may come to realize they’re beyond that already. Prayer is perfect for now, though, and she’ll deeply appreciate it.
 
You don’t know why your friend is divorcing. For all you know, her husband is abusive! If that’s the case, the Church certainly does not teach that the person should stay in the marriage and your trying to “save” the marriage would do more harm than good.
It’s also possible that he is the one who simply wants out but they are putting on the face that it is a “mutual” decision. Again, in that case, if you try to convince her to try “one more thing,” it could hurt her very much.
I know you mean well, but I think in this case, invite her to lunch and see how the conversation goes.
 
Whatever you do, please don’t give in to the impulse to give advice. If she is being abused and you try to tell her that God doesn’t want her to get divorced, you will inadvertently tell her that God wants her to be abused. BTDT.

Put a shoulder under her cross and walk alongside her, if you can.
 
A hundred times yes to all you’ve been advised here. Realize that there is a real good chance she has endured things you can’t imagine (there is always the possibility of mental or emotional abuse) or that she has gone to great lengths to make things work, and, as you have been told here, and slightest *hint *that she should try something else now, as if she just hasn’t done enough (which is how it will be taken) is adding insult to injury. Rubbing salt in a wound. I know you don’t want to be cruel.

However there is prayer, and that is more efficacious than anything you can say. After prayer, you could ask her to lunch, and just listen (or talk about something else entirely - let her take the lead). Ask the Lord to make it quite, quite clear to you if there is anything you should say about Retrouvaille (but assume you should* not).* Only do so if she comes up with a direct question to you on her own, “Can you think of anything else I should try?” Now that would be a clear direction from God to bring up Retrouvaille. And beforehand, you can tell God that if He moves her to make such a clear request, you will be His voice to recommend this.
 
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