How to respond to gossip

[hopefulldad]

Hope you can bear with this one…

Here is the deal. A catholic couple, lives in a tight knit community.
A false rumor of the most serious nature was circulated about one of the spouses (spouse A). Spouse B had discussed the issue with a small number of close friends. Spouse B asserts that in these discussions, that said spouse B expressed s lack of belief in the allegations.

Spouse A has a friend who is close to one of spouse B’s confidants.
According to this friend, spouse B told this confidant that spouse B believed the rumor to be true.

Due to the relationship between this confidant and the friend of Spouse A, the name of the confidant as well as the name of this friend must remain an entrusted secret.

Both spouse A and spouse B have the highest regard for the veracity of the friend who heard from the confidant of spouse B.

Spouse A, not only suffering from the false rumor, but from having this false rumor supposedly confirmed within the gossip community feels that spouse B should out of concern for spouse A’s reputation do something.

Spouse B does not feel that anything need be done, and because of the requirements of anonymity is particularly hindered anyway.

Should spouse b do anything? IF so what?

 

[deb1]

I must be tired because I got a bit confused reading your post.

I think that it depends on the situation. If spouse A is putting himself/ herself in situations that cause others to have a bad view of them, then spouse A needs to stop doing this.

For example, spouse A is the husband and visits the home of a divorced female that he has known since high school. It is a platonic relationship but since he is alone with her often people begin to talk.

In such a case the wife should suggest to the husband that he avoid situations that cause gossip. We are instructed in the bible to avoid doing things that give the impression of wrong doing(can’t remember the verse)

 

[1ke]

Here’s my opinion. There are two reasons Spouse B might have this stance.

(1) Spouse B believes the rumors and doesn’t want to confront thme.

(2) Spouse B doesn’t believe the rumors but know the people in this “tight knit” community well enough to know that trying to defend against it will make it worse-- in the vein of thinking that the more you protest the more people are going to think there’s something to it.

I think Spouse A should not have gone behind Spouse B’s back discussing it with the “confidante” to see what was said nor should Spouse B have been talking about it with others.

Sounds to me like A & B need to have some serious discussions.

 

[hopefulldad]

Deb1:

Both spouse A and B agree that A did nothing to lead the community to suspicion.

Ike:
Spouse A did not go behind B’s back to find out what confidant was told. A trusted friend of both A & B brought it to A’s attention out of concern that the serious scandal was gaining credibility due to B’s alleged support for the rumor.

 

[puzzleannie]

I can’t follow the discussion but the moral of the story is spouses should confide in each other, not third parties, unless the third party is a professional offering pastoral or other counselling services. A person should publicly defend the honor of a spouse on all occasions without question. watch the old movie with Charlton Heston as Andrew Jackson dealing with slander against his wife Rachel.

the confidant in OP’s story seems to have been a busy little bee, and maybe should be told to stick to his flower after this.

 

[Norseman82]

First, it must be important to distinguish what is truly gossip and what, as canon 220 of Canon Law (I found this posted on another forum) calls “a certain amount of publicity”:

It is not permitted to anyone to attack in an unlawful way the good reputation of another, nor to violate the right of anyone to their privacy. This right comes from the natural law and not from the fact that the faithful is baptised. The canon says in an unlawful way, because it is licit and right in morality to make known faults and offenses when the good of another person, of society, or of the Church is at stake. It is lawful to impose punitive actions correctly exercised, even if this includes a certain amount of publicity. This Canon directly opposes, calumny, denunciation, information, injury, slander and gossip.

It seems to me that efforts to correct the damage done by a false accusation count as “the good of another person”, so those efforts do not seem to qualify as gossip, whereas the original false accusation would, IMHO.

Spouse A has a friend who is close to one of spouse B’s confidants.
According to this friend, spouse B told this confidant that spouse B believed the rumor to be true.

Due to the relationship between this confidant and the friend of Spouse A, the name of the confidant as well as the name of this friend must remain an entrusted secret.

This appears to be the point in the “critical path” where the breakdown/violation occurred. Either the “trusted friend” or “the confidant” (or both) lied.

Now, here is the tricky part. You imply that there is a type of confidentiality relationship between the confidant and the friend of spouse A. This is troubling on a few levels. First, does the “friend of spouse A” know this because the “confidant” violated some rule of confidentiality? If that is the case, and the “confidant” is of a profession that is governed by a professional association, it may be possible to have sanctions imposed by the association on the violator. If the “confidant” was a priest and this involved breaking the seal of confession, your bishop needs to be informed so that whatever corrective action may be taken (and I certainly hope that this is not the case, and it is good that you were deliberately vague in the details, as spreading what was reported in a confession is sinful as well and hopefully your vagueness prevented that).

 

[hopefulldad]

Monicad:

Yes, the marriage is intact. It has, however, suffered greatly from the gossip, though spouse B readily admits the rumors to be false, and in fact would probably have left the marriage if B thought they were true.

Were the identity of the confidant public, matters would be simpler, as then the confidant could be approached, corrected and asked to retract her comment that Spouse B verified the allegations.

Spouse B is not likely to be lying about having verified the rumors, but could possibly (very doubtful though) been misunderstood.

Asking the confidant to retract the damaging assertion would at this point involve contacting the 3 or 4 people B confided in and asking that **if **they were the ones to tell others that b believed the rumors, that it is not so and should be retracted.

B feels this an undue burden.

 

[deb1]

Monicad:

Yes, the marriage is intact. It has, however, suffered greatly from the gossip, though spouse B readily admits the rumors to be false, and in fact would probably have left the marriage if B thought they were true.

Were the identity of the confidant public, matters would be simpler, as then the confidant could be approached, corrected and asked to retract her comment that Spouse B verified the allegations.

Spouse B is not likely to be lying about having verified the rumors, but could possibly (very doubtful though) been misunderstood.

Asking the confidant to retract the damaging assertion would at this point involve contacting the 3 or 4 people B confided in and asking that **if **they were the ones to tell others that b believed the rumors, that it is not so and should be retracted.

B feels this an undue burden.

I have been trying to word this in a way that makes sense. I don’t think that the confident is very trustworthy.

It sounds like the confident was willing to break trust with B’s friend.What else is the person willing to break…maybe the truth? Maybe the confident misunderstood him or herself.

There really is nothing that spouse B can do in this situation.

But the spouse A should stop doing whatever is causing people to talk about him/her badly. Sometimes we put ourselves in situations that cause rumors and gossip. If I met often with an old flame, that might cause people to pass rumors about me. Even if I haven’t done anything wrong, out of respect for my spouse, I should stop meeting with the old flame.

I don’t know why the rumors would hurt the marriage if spouse B does not believe them.

Spouse A is being pretty silly if he/she expects their spouse to call up a bunch of friends over something that someone heard that some else said that spouse B might have said.

 

[deb1]

Deb1:

Both spouse A and B agree that A did nothing to lead the community to suspicion.

Ike:
Spouse A did not go behind B’s back to find out what confidant was told. A trusted friend of both A & B brought it to A’s attention out of concern that the serious scandal was gaining credibility due to B’s alleged support for the rumor.

Really, unless we all have a very general idea of what is going on, then it is almost impossible to give advice.

 

[SilenceISgolden]

HUH???

I got lost…maybe too many nights of getting up with cranky babies but my mom brain can’t wrap around this one!

No advice, just prayers. Marital discontent is so hard and stressful, we’ll pray it is resolved soon.

 

[hopefulldad]

Deb1

I think that my effort to keep things impartial and discreet, has done a disservice to this topic as it seems just to be getting people confused. I will try to present the situation with fictitious names, and a fictitious allegation so that it is more easily followed.

Bob and Sue, married for many years.

A rumor is circulated that Bob had a homosexual relationship while married to Sue.

Bob denies the relationship, and does nothing at all, by anyone’s standards to suggest that such a relationship ever happened.

Sue does not believe the rumor, and trusts that Bob is both heterosexual and faithful. They have had their marital troubles, but none of them about issues such as these.

Sue discusses the issue with 3 or 4 of her trusted friends. She believes she was clear with each of them that these rumors are without any foundation.

One Friend, "we’ll call her “Gabby” tells Joe, a long time friend of both Bob and Sue, that not only does she believe the rumor, but that Sue told her that herself that Sue believes the rumor.

Now here is the complicating part. Joe values his relationship with Gabby, and since he does not in any way want to endanger that relationship will not reveal the identity of Gabby. He is, however, considered by both Bob and Sue as entirely trustworthy, with no reason in the world to twist the truth. He only brought it to Joe’s attention out of concern for his reputation and fear that Sue was either off her rocker, dishonest with Bob or had not expressed herself clearly enough with Gabby.

Bob is pretty upset, because the rumor was bad enough by itself, and is much worse when someone is saying that Sue believes it.
Bob wants Sue to approach her confidants and to reiterate her belief that the allegations are false, and to ask them to please, if they ever misunderstood her and spoke it to anyone else, to retract it in light of her clarification.

 

[puzzleannie]

hold it right there,
why did Sue tell other people about this allegation?
that breaks faith with her husband right there, and that is an issue that must be addressed for the health of the marriage.

she should have spoken only to people that came to her directly with the rumor, and only to deny the rumor, to assert her unshaked faith in her husband and to insist, using legal threats if necessary, that the third party cease repeating the rumor.

why are Joe and Gabby being so “helpful” in all this, and what are their motives?

 

[deb1]

Deb1

I think that my effort to keep things impartial and discreet, has done a disservice to this topic as it seems just to be getting people confused. I will try to present the situation with fictitious names, and a fictitious allegation so that it is more easily followed.

Bob and Sue, married for many years.

A rumor is circulated that Bob had a homosexual relationship while married to Sue.

Bob denies the relationship, and does nothing at all, by anyone’s standards to suggest that such a relationship ever happened.

Sue does not believe the rumor, and trusts that Bob is both heterosexual and faithful. They have had their marital troubles, but none of them about issues such as these.

Sue discusses the issue with 3 or 4 of her trusted friends. She believes she was clear with each of them that these rumors are without any foundation.

One Friend, "we’ll call her “Gabby” tells Joe, a long time friend of both Bob and Sue, that not only does she believe the rumor, but that Sue told her that herself that Sue believes the rumor.

Now here is the complicating part. Joe values his relationship with Gabby, and since he does not in any way want to endanger that relationship will not reveal the identity of Gabby. He is, however, considered by both Bob and Sue as entirely trustworthy, with no reason in the world to twist the truth. He only brought it to Joe’s attention out of concern for his reputation and fear that Sue was either off her rocker, dishonest with Bob or had not expressed herself clearly enough with Gabby.

Bob is pretty upset, because the rumor was bad enough by itself, and is much worse when someone is saying that Sue believes it.
Bob wants Sue to approach her confidants and to reiterate her belief that the allegations are false, and to ask them to please, if they ever misunderstood her and spoke it to anyone else, to retract it in light of her clarification.

Okay, I get it now. Yes, that is helpful.

First, Joe should have just kept quiet. The information that he gave Bob didn’t help and actually caused a lot of harm. There was no reason to pass the knowledge onto Bob. How the heck did it protect Bob’s reputation to be told that there is a rumor that he already knows exists?

If Sue calls her friends up and broaches the subject it will probably just cause the rumor to be believed. If I got called by a friend only to assure me that her husband was not guy, I would think that would be very odd, if not suspicious.

The best thing Bob and Sue can do is be a happy, loving couple then people will see that it is unlikely that Bob could be gay. Also, Sue will have to realize that one of her friends is unreliable but Joe, sadly, did not give her the knowledge of which friend this is. She is going to have to be less open with all her friends.

 

[hopefulldad]

Well, Deb1, Joe was not just telling Bob the news that the old rumor is floating about, but rather, the new rumor that Sue is confirming the old rumor.

Sue would not be calling her friends saying that her husband is not gay, but rather saying that someone has been saying that she(Sue) said it is true, and that if they are the one doing it - knock it off!

Puzzleannie, As you can imagine, an allegation of this nature could stir up a lot of trouble for a family and for a marriage that already had enough woes for a lifetime. Sue was seeking the solace and comfort that only girlfriends can provide in such troubled times.

 

[Maritsa]

Sue discusses the issue with 3 or 4 of her trusted friends. She believes she was clear with each of them that these rumors are without any foundation.

That’s where the problems start! She should not have entertained any conversation on the topic. She should have immediately dispelled the myths and ended the conversation. There would be no ambiguity as to what she said or what was misunderstood because, “That’s nonsense! I won’t even entertain the discussion!” can’t be misconstrued.

Sue was seeking the solace and comfort that only girlfriends can provide in such troubled times.

Only a husband should provide…

One Friend, "we’ll call her “Gabby” tells Joe, a long time friend of both Bob and Sue, that not only does she believe the rumor, but that Sue told her that herself that Sue believes the rumor.

Joe should not have entertained any conversation on the topic. He should have immediately dispelled the myths and ended the conversation. “That’s nonsense! I won’t even entertain the discussion!” would have stopped Gabby’s gossip in its tracks.

He only brought it to Joe’s attention out of concern for his reputation and fear that Sue was either off her rocker, dishonest with Bob or had not expressed herself clearly enough with Gabby.

He doesn’t sound like a very good friend of Sue to me! A good friend of Sue would have believed Gabby was a gossip who was spreading malicious rumors. Instead Joe assumes the worst of Sue. Bob should not have entertained any conversation on the topic of his wife substantiating the rumor. He should have immediately dispelled the myths and re-focused the conversation to the problem, which is Gabby’s spreading of malicious gossip. “That’s nonsense! I won’t even entertain the allegation that Sue substantiated it! This is obviously a case of malicious gossip against both Sue and me” can’t be misconstrued. Instead, Bob allowed Joe to divide him from his wife and pit them against each other which was no better than Sue allowing Gabby to talk about Bob.

Bob is pretty upset, because the rumor was bad enough by itself, and is much worse when someone is saying that Sue believes it.

Understandably! The guy has a rumor flying around about him, a wife who is allowing people to entertain it, a friend who is allowing people to entertain it, a friend who is undermining his relationship with his wife and accusing her of entertaining it, and is now hit with all of it in the form of a secret traveling down the rumor mill. He should be upset! So should Sue!

Bob wants Sue to approach her confidants and to reiterate her belief that the allegations are false, and to ask them to please, if they ever misunderstood her and spoke it to anyone else, to retract it in light of her clarification.

He wants her to propogate this bad cycle? What good will that do? It’s what got this mess started! What’s done is done and Bob can’t gather the feathers back up. As long as Gabby survives, the rumor is going to go on somewhere. The cycle is what needs to be put to an end.

Bob should be mindful of the allegation and should take reasonable precautions to not cause scandal knowing what some people believe about him. Bob and Sue should go to some counseling together to learn new ways of addressing problems as a couple, especially when they are apart, which build up their relationship. Sue should immediately stop allowing people to negatively discuss Bob and she should frequently be found praising him. Bob should give her enough things to praise. Bob should immediately stop allowing people to negatively discuss Sue and he should frequently be found praising her. Sue should give him enough things to praise. Their relationship with Joe should be re-evaluated and redefined as Joe obviously feels more loyalty to Bob and Gabby than he does to Sue. Sue should not be drug into any further gossip about her husband in particular. Bob should not be drug into any further gossip about his wife in particular. Then maybe this whole cycle can go on without involving Bob and Sue’s marriage in the middle of it.

 

[HouseArrest]

Bob and Sue should take the “a friend told me and I can’t tell you who it is…” conversation right to the garbage can and not think another thing of it.

Oh yeah, and they shouldn’t in the first place have been talking, talking, talking to their “friends”.

 

[SilenceISgolden]

Personally, I get the needing to talk to someone about issues. I use my sister, just because sometimes I wonder if what I’m feeling or doing is right or if I’m out of whack. She will tell me honestly her opinion. My DH knows I do this and is OK with it. I know in tough situations he has looked for advice from people other than me.

On the issue of Sue talking to friends to tell them to knock it off:
On one hand, it is fueling the fire. You may be best off to just ignore the whole thing.
On the other hand, if it were me, I would want to be CRYSTAL CLEAR with my friends to attempt to knock the wind out of their sails so to speak and because it may well have been a misunderstanding on their side thinking that Sue did infact think there may be come validity to the accusation.

Good Luck…

 

[puzzleannie]

Puzzleannie, As you can imagine, an allegation of this nature could stir up a lot of trouble for a family and for a marriage that already had enough woes for a lifetime. Sue was seeking the solace and comfort that only girlfriends can provide in such troubled times.

yeah? and what did she get. the heartache that comes from taking your marital problems outside to 3rd parties so the hens can have a cackle party at your expense.

I think both Bob and Sue need a crash course in the definition of true friendship, and after that they can start looking for new friends, because they have none at this time

 

[Katie1723]

To answer the OP’s original question…you don’t.
Kathy