How to respond to my anti-Catholic husband

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I have been attending a Catholic church for almost 3 years and I am a candidate to be received into full communion with the Catholic church. My husband is very anti Catholic and is unhappy that I attend a Catholic church. He does not attend church anywhere.

Except for his initial response after he learned I was attending a Catholic church, there have not been a lot of problems regarding this (mostly because we don’t talk about it) until now. In a month I will travel for about 3 hours to attend the Rite of the Elect at our cathedral. This will be almost an all day trip. Here is what I think may happen: Hubby will want to go with me, but when I tell him why I’m going he will not be happy about it. I considered going and not giving him much information about the reason as a way to discourage him from wanting to come, but since I will be gone all day I think he will still want to come which will force me to expain why I am going. I see this as potentially opening up the Catholic ‘box’ we have both kept closed in order to keep the peace.

I don’t see any way to make this less disagreeable for him. Last year when I took RCIA for the first time, I decided not to come into full communion in part because of his feelings. However, I don’t feel I can continue as I am just to accomodate his feelings. I have an appointment with my priest next week to discuss this. Meantime, I imagine some of you deal with anti-Catholic family members. Can you give me some suggestions or share your experience?
 
What issue does he have with all of this? Why does he have a problem with you following Truth as you believe it to be ? That does not sound like love to me. It must be something very personal to him… What’ever is going on…sounds like you must move (cause you have an obligation to yourself and GOd to follow truth) very sensitivly and lovingly.

I’m going to pray for you today. If you can give us a better sense of what’s really behind all this…maybe we can help.
 
Ist it because these things take time away from him? You can’t take a day trip without him wanting to come?
Just a thought.
 
Without knowing more about your husband - and your relationship - it’s hard to give much advice.

The main answer that we can give to the title question is to respond with Love.

In a more practical sense…since you have determined that you are going to come into the Church…he has a right to know this as he is your husband.

If he then chooses to respond in a very negative and cross manner…it will be necessary for you to allow the “wind to blow” and that you remain firmly fixed upon the rock of your faith.
In this it may be necessary for you to employ what I refer to as “emotional shutdown”. No matter how emotional he gets, no matter what he says, no matter what kinds of “buttons” he tries to push or what he says about the Church, you do not respond in kind.
You remain calm, firm and charitable.

Establish your position in your mind and what you hope for from him. That way you don’t wind up confused or pulled off base.
For instance…
You are aware of his views and have taken them into account by taking an extra year to consider the matter.
However - it is clear to you now that you must enter the Church.
You hope that he will be accepting of your decision, knowing how important it is to you, even if he cannot at present support it.
You would be happy if he wishes to accompany you to the Cathedral - it could be such a wonderful day together - but only if he wants to come to be with you in this time of joy for you. you do not want to spend the day with a grump (so to speak).

you get the idea…
If you have your points clearly in mind…then no matter what he says you will be able to either ignore it, or respond with grace and charity, thus letting him know that you are firm in your conviction - but still allowing him to feel accepted and loved.

Hope this helps a little…

Peace
James
 
You are called to be a light in the darkness. You should continue practicing your faith and be an example of Christian charity in your home and community. This will speak more to him than anything you could say right now. Continue to pray that he will receive the grace of conversion. It may take a long time but God thinks in terms of eternity.
 
pkrjenkins said:
I have been attending a Catholic church for almost 3 years and I am a candidate to be received into full communion with the Catholic church. My husband is very anti Catholic and is unhappy that I attend a Catholic church. He does not attend church anywhere.

Except for his initial response after he learned I was attending a Catholic church, there have not been a lot of problems regarding this (mostly because we don’t talk about it) until now. In a month I will travel for about 3 hours to attend the Rite of the Elect at our cathedral. This will be almost an all day trip. Here is what I think may happen: Hubby will want to go with me, but when I tell him why I’m going he will not be happy about it. I considered going and not giving him much information about the reason as a way to discourage him from wanting to come, but since I will be gone all day I think he will still want to come which will force me to expain why I am going. I see this as potentially opening up the Catholic ‘box’ we have both kept closed in order to keep the peace.

I don’t see any way to make this less disagreeable for him. Last year when I took RCIA for the first time, I decided not to come into full communion in part because of his feelings. However, I don’t feel I can continue as I am just to accomodate his feelings. I have an appointment with my priest next week to discuss this. Meantime, I imagine some of you deal with anti-Catholic family members. Can you give me some suggestions or share your experience?
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I don’t have any advice on how to handle talking to him, but when I saw your question a blog post that I read yesterday popped into my head, which begins with a wife talking to her priest about arguing about Catholicism with her husband, and I thought it might give you hope (it brought tears to my eyes! In a good way!).

Prayers that your talk with him goes well and that his heart softens towards the Church.
 
pkrjenkins said:
I have been attending a Catholic church for almost 3 years and I am a candidate to be received into full communion with the Catholic church. My husband is very anti Catholic and is unhappy that I attend a Catholic church. He does not attend church anywhere.

Except for his initial response after he learned I was attending a Catholic church, there have not been a lot of problems regarding this (mostly because we don’t talk about it) until now. In a month I will travel for about 3 hours to attend the Rite of the Elect at our cathedral. This will be almost an all day trip. Here is what I think may happen: Hubby will want to go with me, but when I tell him why I’m going he will not be happy about it. I considered going and not giving him much information about the reason as a way to discourage him from wanting to come, but since I will be gone all day I think he will still want to come which will force me to expain why I am going. I see this as potentially opening up the Catholic ‘box’ we have both kept closed in order to keep the peace.

I don’t see any way to make this less disagreeable for him. Last year when I took RCIA for the first time, I decided not to come into full communion in part because of his feelings. However, I don’t feel I can continue as I am just to accomodate his feelings. I have an appointment with my priest next week to discuss this. Meantime, I imagine some of you deal with anti-Catholic family members. Can you give me some suggestions or share your experience?
Click to expand...
Without knowing more about your husband and your relationship, I will give a simple answer. PRAYER! We often ask for advise from others but often skip the one who gives the ultimate advise. Prayer would the best place to start. When I converted to Catholicism, I was hated by many. Such a sad thing to be hated for wanting to love Christ and become a member of His Church, but it happens often. Pray that God softens his heart to the Grace and Love of Christ. Ask our Blessed Mother to remove any hatred he may have for the Church and to bless him with love and understanding. It may not happen today or even this year, but keep at it and constantly keep him in your prayers!

When I started RCIA at the age of 12, I invited my Spanish teacher to join us. She came and later converted to the Church. Her family was of the Baptist faith and were very much against her conversion. I saw her a few years ago and and she told me her whole family now have all converted to Catholicism. She thanked me for inviting her and I thanked her for setting a wonderful example to her family! It took them about 10 years to convert but praise God then did!
 
MaryT777 said:
Ist it because these things take time away from him? You can’t take a day trip without him wanting to come?
Just a thought.
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That’s the part that struck me the most, too. Maybe you should try reversing the scenario in your head: what if it were him converting to Catholicism, and you who disapproved? Would that be giving him pause, or causing him not to join?
 
I came into the Church two years ago this coming Easter, it has caused many big issues in our household, and due to an irregular marriage he has even accepted we live Chastely, Pray, pray, pray for your husband, novenas, rosary, divine Mercy all you can. I have seen God sweep in and rescue what looked like the most hopeless situations in my home, we are not completely there yet, but with God’s grace I have managed to be patient, kind and understanding of his feelings, and he is now starting his own journey. Will pray for you.
 
This is always very tough. The advice others have given is very good, I’d just add that it’s hard for him to get too mad or argumentative when he comes at you about this if you simply, gently, respond with the statement “I am doing this because I feel I must respond to and seek truth, and my heart and spirit have brought me here in that search.”

Good luck and welcome home!
 
RedSoxWife said:
I don’t have any advice on how to handle talking to him, but when I saw your question a blog post that I read yesterday popped into my head, which begins with a wife talking to her priest about arguing about Catholicism with her husband, and I thought it might give you hope (it brought tears to my eyes! In a good way!).

Prayers that your talk with him goes well and that his heart softens towards the Church.
Click to expand...
I just read this blog you posted and I had tears in my eyes in the end. What a tribute to patience and the power of prayer. We have been married for 40 years, I am a cradle Catholic and my husband is nothing. I raised our children Catholic and they are raising their children Catholic…thank you God. St. Monica is on my speed dial, ha ha, and she probably knows what’s coming her way from me every night. My husband thinks the Church is corrupt and the cause of overpopulation and full of evil. I just let it go in one ear and out the other so that we don’t argue. He never says anything to me about abortion as he knows we will have an argument if he does. But, he knew what I was when we married and so from that stand point we are different than you. In your circumstance I am very hopeful that your conversation with your priest will give you some good ideas on how to keep the peace in your marriage while you pursue your faith. Praying for you.
 
Is the Catholic Church really requiring you to drive 3 hours each way to the Cathedral? Can’t your RCIA classes and rituals be completed totally at your local parish church? Are is it YOUR choice to go all that distance away from your home and husband?

Don’t use religion to get an upper hand with your husband. Some women do that. He is the man. He is your husband. You must respect him, even if he has the failing that he is irreligious. You married him. You knew he was irreligious when you married him. It doesn’t matter that you have come to God since then. Coming to God does not give you a license to be sneaky and hide important things from your husband. Coming to God does not make you the dominant party in your marriage. It does not give you rights over your husband. He has no right to ban you from becoming Catholic or practicing your religion. But you have a duty to show appropriate respect to the feelings and views of your husband even if they are erroneous. Don’t use religion as an excuse to bust up your marriage. Some spouses do that, even if it is sort of unconscious. Love your husband, even when he is difficult. Do things for him. Make him feel special. He’s not perfect. Neither are you. Going to Catholic Church does not make you perfect or better than others. It should make you recognize your humility all the more. It should have that effect in all of us. Be patient with your husband. Empathize with his unhappiness. Show sympathy for him. Don’t let his anti-Catholic views keep you from the practice of your Catholic Faith. But treat him like the King of England. Show him that you respect him. You would show respect to the King of England even if he was Anglican and not Catholic, wouldn’t you? Living together as husband and wife is, sooner or later, tough. At least at times it will be tough. People get sick of each other at times when they spend so much time together. We have to WORK at loving and accepting and forgiving each other. Otherwise, we are damned.

1 Corinthians 7:

And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife.

1 Corinthians 13:

13 If I speak in the tongues[a] of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast,** but do not have love, I gain nothing.

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8 Love never fails…13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.**
 
Dear Sister in Christ,

I have little advice except that you must pursue the Truth of the Church, but do it with understanding and charity toward your husband. He has had the terms of your marriage changed on him without his consent. Pray for him and be prepared for a lot of conflict. I am pretty sure he would not see the priest with you since he is anti-Catholic. Try not to respond to his anger and frustration, just be kind and keep the ultimate goal in mind - to present the best face of Catholicism that you can.

Welcome Home!
 
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