How to respond when your called a prude?

[ArielRussu]

How do I respond when others call me a prude? Is there a difference between being a prude and being respectful and having morals?

My boyfriend of under a year, gets frustrated when I tell him I don’t want him touching my butt or breasts and when I pull away when he tries or I removed his hands. He told me he once told his friends and they gave him a hug and condolences? Saying they felt bad for him. I’m not a touchy person and he thinks that since I warmed up to holding hands, him continuously trying to touch my butt or kiss my breasts, or taking my hand and placing it on his butt (I pull it away immediately) will help desensitize me and warm up to that kind of touch. Despite the fact that I’ve told him I’m not comfortable with that and don’t believe people should be touching each other that way until marriage. Plus, holding hands is not the same as touching someone’s butt, holding hands isn’t sexual. I also get uncomfortable when he makes dirty comments and makes references about his male anatomy and shamelessly admits when thinking about me gives him a, excuse my language, a really hard erection.

His friends also have told me to loosen up and enjoy life, you only live once. I tell them I’m not compromising my values and that there’s a difference between being a prude and having respect for my body and my boyfriends, they and my boyfriend say there’s no difference, your religious and not open to sexual touching or talk with your boyfriend/girlfriend or it makes you uncomfortable, you’re a prude.

We also have had disagreements on the idea of premarital sex. My boyfriend believes it’s ok and I believe it shows lack of morals and disrespects the person your with, as well as shows a lack of respect for yourself. As your giving your body to someone without being committed to them for life, while he thinks boyfriends and girlfriends can be committed to each other and have sex, raise a family and still have morals and respect for themselves.

He’s agnostic. I’m Christian.

 

[1ke]

How do I respond when others call me a prude? Is there a difference between being a prude and being respectful and having morals?

Ariel, mature, respectful people don’t call other people “a prude”. So, sounds like you need some different friends.

My boyfriend of under a year, gets frustrated with me when I tell him I don’t want him touching my butt or breasts and when I pull away when he tries or takes his hands off. He told me he once told his friends and they gave him a hug and condolences?

Your boyfriend is not committed to chastity. I am not sure why he is STILL your boyfriend after disrespecting you in that manner. Grabbing your rear end and your breasts and calling you a “prude” when you object is not acceptable. Talking about you intimately to his friends-- also not acceptable.

Frankly, it’s time you realize this is not a man who you should be dating.

will help desensitize me and warm up to that kind of touch.

This is called pushing boundaries. It’s not acceptable. If he doesn’t respect you or your boundaries, then tell him to take a hike.

I also get uncomfortable when he makes dirty comments and makes references about his male anatomy and shamelessly admits when thinking about me gives him a, excuse my language, a really hard erection.

If you boyfriend is over 14 years old, then he’s a jerk.

His friends also have told me to loosen up and enjoy life, you only live once. I tell them I’m not compromising my values and that there’s a difference between being a pride and having respect for my body and my boyfriends, they say that’s the same thing.

I spent a lot of years annoyed and frustrated with boyfriends who did similar things-- pushing boundaries, making me the bad guy having to say “no” all the time, me saying I won’t compromise my values, dating guys who didn’t share my values who weren’t religious and who didn’t see anything wrong with having sex.

I finally got tired of that.

And, then I began dating different sorts of guys-- ones who shared my values and beliefs. Problem solved.

We also have had disagreements on the idea of premarital sex. My boyfriend believes it’s ok and I believe it shows lack of morals and disrespects the person your with, as well as shows a lack of respect for yourself. As your giving your body to someone without being committed to them for life, while he thinks boyfriends and girlfriends can be committed to each other and have sex, raise a family and still have morals and respect for themselves.

He’s agnostic. I’m Christian.

Stop beating your head against the wall. I suggest you just cut this off now-- there’s nowhere for this relationship to go unless he has a complete personality transplant sometime soon.

 

[ConfusedLucy]

You guys really don’t sound compatible. I also think it’s very disrespectful for him to be talking about you and his personal life like that to other people. I really doubt this relationship is going to go anywhere.

 

[Lea101]

Wish I could give cute advice but no

DUMP HIM!

 

[Kay_Cee]

My father, who turned out to be a very wise man, once told me that men are on their good behavior before they’re married.

What he meant by that is that if a guy realizes you can easily walk away, he’ll treat you better.

If this is your boyfriend’s good behavior, I shudder to think how he’ll treat you if you marry him and he thinks you can’t walk away all that readily.

Obviously you are uncomfortable with him. Why put up with all this discomfort? Walk away . . . no, make that run away and join a Christian club where you can meet a man who will respect you.

 

[CatholicRaven]

I agree with 1ke.

Being called a “prude” by someone who claims to care about you is bad enough (a man who loves you won’t call you names or try to belittle you for your beliefs).

This “boyfriend” doesn’t respect you and isn’t going to if you stay with him. If you keep putting up with it, it’s like you’re saying, “I don’t mean what I say and I will let you disrespect me. So keep trying, ignore my boundaries, and I’ll give in eventually.”

He’s touching you in a way that you’ve specifically told him makes you uncomfortable and asked him not to do–that is NOT acceptable, not respectful, and not loving!

If he can’t handle this request and blames you because you’re not giving him what he wants… well, you can’t make him change, and if he won’t respect your physical boundaries now, it’s probably only going to get worse in the long run.

Let him go and find someone who respects you appropriately and has similar values to you.

 

[CatholicRaven]

If this is your boyfriend’s good behavior, I shudder to think how he’ll treat you if you marry him and he thinks you can’t walk away all that readily.

Exactly!!

 

[ArielRussu]

Before I get anymore responses. I should mention that he’s a really sweet guy who is helpful, gets along well with my family and does try to respect my words. My family loves him. Its just, I think he puts his hand on my butt unintentionally like he forgot I asked him not too. At least he says he does. When we first started dating he also respected my wishes to take things slow. He accepts me as me and accepts my quirks. He’s also had bad influences in his life when it comes to this area.

 

[matthewww]

Before I get anymore responses. I should mention that he’s a really sweet guy who is helpful, gets along well with my family and does try to respect my words. My family loves him. Its just, I think he puts his hand on my butt unintentionally like he forgot I asked him not too. At least he says he does. When we first started dating he also respected my wishes to take things slow. He accepts me as me and accepts my quirks. He’s also had bad influences in his life when it comes to this area.

if he is pushing the boundaries…and not respecting them when you tell him you are not comfortable with it…he ain’t a good guy! He might not be intentionally doing it, but it shows that he does not value you as much as he should.

Look at bolded. Is he still doing it?

You said “continuously trying to touch my butt or kiss my breasts, or taking my hand and placing it on his butt”.

Sorry…as a guy who did stuff like this before…this won’t work out unless you firmly tell him that you are not playing around. Even then, he might realise that there is no sex, and will leave.

Maybe he is not that type of guy…but when I was younger, there were guys that date chaste girls for the thrill of “ruining” her. They liked the innocence, they liked that these girls give in. He might not be this type of guy, but it popped into my mind

 

[styrgwillidar]

‘You can put whatever word you want on it. But yes, I respect myself and I expect others to respect me as well.’

A quote JBB in the shootist:

" I won’t be wronged, I won’t be insulted, and I won’t be laid a hand on. I don’t do these things to other people, and I require the same from them. "

Having standards for how you treat others and for how you’ll tolerate being treated by others is nothing to be embarrassed about, regardless of whatever word someone tries to apply to that concept.

 

[Lou2U]

Before I get anymore responses. I should mention that he’s a really sweet guy who is helpful, gets along well with my family and does try to respect my words. My family loves him. Its just, I think he puts his hand on my butt unintentionally like he forgot I asked him not too. At least he says he does. When we first started dating he also respected my wishes to take things slow. He accepts me as me and accepts my quirks. He’s also had bad influences in his life when it comes to this area.

1ke is 100% right. This guy is not right for you.

He isn’t showing you any respect by calling you a prude. He isn’t showing any respect for you when you stop him from doing what you don’t want him to. He isn’t showing you any respect by telling his friend and then telling you his friend’s reaction to get sympathy from you. He isn’t respecting you by ignoring things that make you uncomfortable. he isn’t respecting you by touching you and pretending it’s because he “forgets” you don’t want him to.

He sounds incredibly immature and selfish, and not ready for a relationship to me. He isn’t respecting your wishes and he isn’t accepting you if he’s trying to get you to ignore your religion and your values. If I were you, I would cut my losses and move on.

Lou

 

[ShrodingersCat]

How do I respond when others call me a prude? Is there a difference between being a prude and being respectful and having morals?

My boyfriend of under a year, gets frustrated when I tell him I don’t want him touching my butt or breasts and when I pull away when he tries or I removed his hands. He told me he once told his friends and they gave him a hug and condolences? Saying they felt bad for him. I’m not a touchy person and he thinks that since I warmed up to holding hands, him continuously trying to touch my butt or kiss my breasts, or taking my hand and placing it on his butt (I pull it away immediately) will help desensitize me and warm up to that kind of touch. Despite the fact that I’ve told him I’m not comfortable with that and don’t believe people should be touching each other that way until marriage. Plus, holding hands is not the same as touching someone’s butt, holding hands isn’t sexual. I also get uncomfortable when he makes dirty comments and makes references about his male anatomy and shamelessly admits when thinking about me gives him a, excuse my language, a really hard erection.

His friends also have told me to loosen up and enjoy life, you only live once. I tell them I’m not compromising my values and that there’s a difference between being a prude and having respect for my body and my boyfriends, they and my boyfriend say there’s no difference, your religious and not open to sexual touching or talk with your boyfriend/girlfriend or it makes you uncomfortable, you’re a prude.

We also have had disagreements on the idea of premarital sex. My boyfriend believes it’s ok and I believe it shows lack of morals and disrespects the person your with, as well as shows a lack of respect for yourself. As your giving your body to someone without being committed to them for life, while he thinks boyfriends and girlfriends can be committed to each other and have sex, raise a family and still have morals and respect for themselves.

He’s agnostic. I’m Christian.

Your boyfriend is treating you terribly. Actually he is sexually abusing you, whether you are willing to admit it to yourself or not. There are so many red flags here that are instant deal breakers for anyone of any religion. You should never have to tell him no more than once and he should redspect that. His friends being a holes is another bad sign, mostly because it’s clear he thinks the same as them. The way he talks to you is also not great.

This type of thing gets worse with marriage not better. For example, he may try to pressure you into performing immoral sex acts, may pressure you to use contraception rather than NFP.

This man does not respect you and I strongly urge you to leave him. Otherwise you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of misery instead of waiting for someone who does respect you. And no, don’t think you can change him.

 

[ShrodingersCat]

Before I get anymore responses. I should mention that he’s a really sweet guy who is helpful, gets along well with my family and does try to respect my words. My family loves him. Its just, I think he puts his hand on my butt unintentionally like he forgot I asked him not too. At least he says he does. When we first started dating he also respected my wishes to take things slow. He accepts me as me and accepts my quirks. He’s also had bad influences in his life when it comes to this area.

I don’t care if he won the Nobel prize for peace and rescues kittens in his spare time. A red flag is an instant deal breaker. You mentioned several red flags. Don’t start explaining away his behavior because you love him. Your feelings are blinding you to reality here.

Your story here is old as the hills. There are two possible endings, and staying together isn’t the happily ever after ending.

 

[Convert_in_99]

Ariel, mature, respectful people don’t call other people “a prude”. So, sounds like you need some different friends.

Your boyfriend is not committed to chastity. I am not sure why he is STILL your boyfriend after disrespecting you in that manner. Grabbing your rear end and your breasts and calling you a “prude” when you object is not acceptable. Talking about you intimately to his friends-- also not acceptable.

Frankly, it’s time you realize this is not a man who you should be dating.

This is called pushing boundaries. It’s not acceptable. If he doesn’t respect you or your boundaries, then tell him to take a hike.

If you boyfriend is over 14 years old, then he’s a jerk.

I spent a lot of years annoyed and frustrated with boyfriends who did similar things-- pushing boundaries, making me the bad guy having to say “no” all the time, me saying I won’t compromise my values, dating guys who didn’t share my values who weren’t religious and who didn’t see anything wrong with having sex.

I finally got tired of that.

And, then I began dating different sorts of guys-- ones who shared my values and beliefs. Problem solved.

Stop beating your head against the wall. I suggest you just cut this off now-- there’s nowhere for this relationship to go unless he has a complete personality transplant sometime soon.

 

[Lou2U]

I don’t care if he won the Nobel prize for peace and rescues kittens in his spare time. A red flag is an instant deal breaker. You mentioned several red flags. Don’t start explaining away his behavior because you love him. Your feelings are blinding you to reality here.

Your story here is old as the hills. There are two possible endings, and staying together isn’t the happily ever after ending.

. He isn’t treating you in the way you deserve to be. It certainly isn’t anything that can be described as respect or love. It might be difficult for you to hear because of how you feel, but look at this objectively. If this was another poster at CAF, or a friend, what would you tell them about a man who insulted his girlfriend because she wanted to stay committed to her belief system?

Lou

 

[Wesrock]

You two want different things out of the relationship right now, and unless you two are able to get on the same page (and I should be clear that I think YOU are already on the right one), I think breaking it off due to compatibility issues is the right choice. No need to lecture him on Christian morals. Wanting different things is reason enough.

 

[EasterJoy]

Wish I could give cute advice but no

DUMP HIM!

Well, let him find someone he shares his outlook with. It is foolish to say you love someone but then decide to sign him up for a lifetime of bickering.

The disagreements about sexual intimacy now are going to be disagreements about raising children and spending money and where your family’s spiritual life comes on your priority list later on.

Chastity in the face of a strong sexual attraction is not easy. No one is saying that you should look for someone who thinks it is. You do need to find someone who agrees with your major priorities. This man just doesn’t. Let him find someone he won’t have to argue with all the time. As for yourself, do not be unequally yoked. Find someone who will be pulling in the same direction as you do.

As for someone who calls you a prude, just say, “you can call it what you want, but that’s my line and you are not crossing it. But now that I mention it, I don’t think too much of using name-calling to bully someone into giving you your way. That’s not how people who love each other handle their differences. Don’t do that again.”

 

[gardenswithkids]

“When you say I’m a prude, I interpret that to mean I have high moral standards. Yes, I do. Thank you for noticing.”

 

[St_Pancake]

It is not an accidental reflex making him put his hand on your butt. It is all part of a plan and I should know as I pushed many camels into the tent in my youth.

 

[edwest2]

How do I respond when others call me a prude? Is there a difference between being a prude and being respectful and having morals?

My boyfriend of under a year, gets frustrated when I tell him I don’t want him touching my butt or breasts and when I pull away when he tries or I removed his hands. He told me he once told his friends and they gave him a hug and condolences? Saying they felt bad for him. I’m not a touchy person and he thinks that since I warmed up to holding hands, him continuously trying to touch my butt or kiss my breasts, or taking my hand and placing it on his butt (I pull it away immediately) will help desensitize me and warm up to that kind of touch. Despite the fact that I’ve told him I’m not comfortable with that and don’t believe people should be touching each other that way until marriage. Plus, holding hands is not the same as touching someone’s butt, holding hands isn’t sexual. I also get uncomfortable when he makes dirty comments and makes references about his male anatomy and shamelessly admits when thinking about me gives him a, excuse my language, a really hard erection.

His friends also have told me to loosen up and enjoy life, you only live once. I tell them I’m not compromising my values and that there’s a difference between being a prude and having respect for my body and my boyfriends, they and my boyfriend say there’s no difference, your religious and not open to sexual touching or talk with your boyfriend/girlfriend or it makes you uncomfortable, you’re a prude.

We also have had disagreements on the idea of premarital sex. My boyfriend believes it’s ok and I believe it shows lack of morals and disrespects the person your with, as well as shows a lack of respect for yourself. As your giving your body to someone without being committed to them for life, while he thinks boyfriends and girlfriends can be committed to each other and have sex, raise a family and still have morals and respect for themselves.

He’s agnostic. I’m Christian.

A young man who respects women in general should not do those things or try to do them. Respect means no touching, especially sexual.

You are right to reject premarital sex. It is wrong, even if you’re planning to get married. A recent reply from an Apologist here to a similar question:

"Dear friend,

Quite regardless of how much you feel married, you are not married—not even a little bit! Therefore, if you have marital relations, you are lying with your bodies. You are expressing sacramental vows with your bodies that do not exist. What you will say at the altar MATTERS. Marriage matters. Our culture is hell-bent on replacing reason with feelings. Please realize how ‘me oriented’ your stance is! You are confused because you can’t regret the feeling of be sexually united when you are still not married. There IS an OBJECTIVE reality outside of how we feel. This is the same dynamic that people who ‘feel’ like the opposite sex use when they separate gender from the sex that their DNA will always reflect.

"In order to confess our sins, we do not have to FEEL regret, we have to know that we have disobeyed God. Note, that even though you have been operating on feelings, you do not acknowledge them as such: “we do not regret the action.” You just presume that they are who you are. Feelings are things that we have or don’t have; they are not who we are.

“I’m afraid that our secular culture has had its way with you. I see no malice in your intentions. But you did disobey God’s commandments. So it appears that you need go to Confession over this. You are in our prayers.”

Fr. Vincent Serpa, O.P."

Hope this helps,
Ed