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Lost_Sheep
Guest
Sounds like you need to find a new boyfriend.
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RCinMT
Guest
Ariel: There are men out there. I cannot in good conscience say that I’ve never objected my wife–I have, wish I hadn’t. Sometimes I touch her in an unwanted way (like a pat on the bottom–not squeezing) but it’s because of crossed wires, not because I’m disrespecting her and the second she gives me a look or tells me that I misread a situation I apologize and I honestly feel profoundly sorry. Further, my wife and I have been married seven years, together for 11 years (I’m 36, she’s 33) and there are things that lots of men enjoy like oral that we’ve never done even before we delved more into understanding our faith. I always felt like it something disrespectful.
Believe it or not, there are men out there. I credit it to my dad and so my advice is naturally that when you consider getting into a longer term relationship with a man or if you know a man before entering a relationship, consider how his dad treats his biological mother. That will tell you a lot.
Believe it or not, there are men out there. I credit it to my dad and so my advice is naturally that when you consider getting into a longer term relationship with a man or if you know a man before entering a relationship, consider how his dad treats his biological mother. That will tell you a lot.
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GEddie
Guest
Just shrug your shoulders?
ICXC NIKA
ICXC NIKA
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1ke
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1ke
Guest
Right, not an accident, it’s grooming behavior.
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GilGalaad
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styrgwillidar
Guest
No, no he doesn’t.
That statement is completely incompatible with the situation you are describing.
Re-read your own writing. Sitdown somewhere and pray to the Holy Spirit for guidance. See the world as it is, not as you wish or rationalize it to be. BTW- a breakup after having gotten to the level of sexual intimacy is far harder and more painful than one on a non-sexual level.
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heidi_storage
Guest
Right on the money. These sorts of tensions increase with marriage, not decrease. I know it’s tempting to say, eh, he mostly makes me happy, more so than being alone, but honestly if you marry someone who wants to touch you a lot more than you wish to be touched you’ll both wind up very frustrated. And that’s even putting aside the whole values question, which is huge. When you’re married, you and your spouse are living one life, together. Stuff that is easy to avoid now becomes a daily struggle.
Look at it this way. A small rock in your shoe is no great annoyance, unless you’re running a marathon; then that rock will make your foot bleed and could cause serious damage.
I am not saying that you should look for a perfect man, of course; he doesn’t exist, and you have your own faults. But when looking for a boyfriend who may become your husband, look for someone you can live a good life with for the next several decades, in spite of the stresses and tragedies of human existence.
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GilGalaad
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PaulfromIowa
Guest
That is the heart of the problem. You have different values. He is trying to turn you into a pagan. You need and deserve a Christian boyfriend/future husband, one who respects you and could be the father of your children.
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angell1
Guest
please don’t make excuses for his behaviour. I was in a similar situation as you once, it nearly cost me my soul. get out while you can. I promise you, it’s not worth it. he will not change just because you want him to. be strong and don’t compromise your values. I don’t care how “good” he might try to be otherwise, someone who claims they love you should not be trying to lead you in to sin
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Marysann
Guest
When you see the writing on the wall that the previous posters have shown you, and break up with this guy who forgets that you don’t want his hands all over you, you can tell him that you are looking for someone with a better memory.
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Maximilan_Kolbe
Guest
No “nice” person calls anyone names, especially ones they claim to care about.
No “nice” person behaves inappropriately with regards to sexual boundaries as you described.
Lots of guys will accept your quirks. Lots of guys will get along with your family. Lots of those will also respect your boundaries and not call you names.
Look, it is great to find a guy who respects your values, but you want to find a guy shares your values. I am of the opinion that simply tolerating your significant other’s values is rarely enough. It puts you on guard that if you ever have a moment of weakness, you cannot depend on your SO to pick you up and not take advantage. You are left to be the lone bulwark against a sinful nature you want to avoid. It is much easier to do this together.
This part may be with regards to marriage, but the principle is the same. My mother always told me that I needed to evaluate a person for marriage by asking myself “if I die, could I see this person raising our children with the same values I hold dear?” If the answer was no, then I shouldn’t consider them for marriage. And I was also taught how serious this decision is because we are stewards of the children God gives us, and decision on how to raise them is extremely serious. She impressed upon me that I would be held accountable for those decisions that affect those little lives, including trivial or unimportant reasons for choosing someone to help me raise them. Granted, we can not predict everything our spouses will do or become, but we have to be honest from the beginning and rely on God’s providence and mercy from there.
I can’t fathom any man or woman who would even question if being called names from their SO was acceptable. It’s not, and he isn’t worth your time. Find someone who shares your beliefs, values who you are, accepts your flaws, and treats you like a lady.
No “nice” person behaves inappropriately with regards to sexual boundaries as you described.
Lots of guys will accept your quirks. Lots of guys will get along with your family. Lots of those will also respect your boundaries and not call you names.
Look, it is great to find a guy who respects your values, but you want to find a guy shares your values. I am of the opinion that simply tolerating your significant other’s values is rarely enough. It puts you on guard that if you ever have a moment of weakness, you cannot depend on your SO to pick you up and not take advantage. You are left to be the lone bulwark against a sinful nature you want to avoid. It is much easier to do this together.
This part may be with regards to marriage, but the principle is the same. My mother always told me that I needed to evaluate a person for marriage by asking myself “if I die, could I see this person raising our children with the same values I hold dear?” If the answer was no, then I shouldn’t consider them for marriage. And I was also taught how serious this decision is because we are stewards of the children God gives us, and decision on how to raise them is extremely serious. She impressed upon me that I would be held accountable for those decisions that affect those little lives, including trivial or unimportant reasons for choosing someone to help me raise them. Granted, we can not predict everything our spouses will do or become, but we have to be honest from the beginning and rely on God’s providence and mercy from there.
I can’t fathom any man or woman who would even question if being called names from their SO was acceptable. It’s not, and he isn’t worth your time. Find someone who shares your beliefs, values who you are, accepts your flaws, and treats you like a lady.
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Reepicheep
Guest
He’s not listening to you now. What makes you think he’ll listen to you later?How do I respond when others call me a prude? Is there a difference between being a prude and being respectful and having morals?
My boyfriend of under a year, gets frustrated when I tell him I don’t want him touching my butt or breasts and when I pull away when he tries or I removed his hands. He told me he once told his friends and they gave him a hug and condolences? Saying they felt bad for him. I’m not a touchy person and he thinks that since I warmed up to holding hands, him continuously trying to touch my butt or kiss my breasts, or taking my hand and placing it on his butt (I pull it away immediately) will help desensitize me and warm up to that kind of touch. Despite the fact that I’ve told him I’m not comfortable with that and don’t believe people should be touching each other that way until marriage. Plus, holding hands is not the same as touching someone’s butt, holding hands isn’t sexual.I also get uncomfortable when he makes dirty comments and makes references about his male anatomy and shamelessly admits when thinking about me gives him a, excuse my language, a really hard erection.
His friends also have told me to loosen up and enjoy life, you only live once. I tell them I’m not compromising my values and that there’s a difference between being a prude and having respect for my body and my boyfriends, they and my boyfriend say there’s no difference, your religious and not open to sexual touching or talk with your boyfriend/girlfriend or it makes you uncomfortable, you’re a prude.
We also have had disagreements on the idea of premarital sex. My boyfriend believes it’s ok and I believe it shows lack of morals and disrespects the person your with, as well as shows a lack of respect for yourself. As your giving your body to someone without being committed to them for life, while he thinks boyfriends and girlfriends can be committed to each other and have sex, raise a family and still have morals and respect for themselves.
He’s agnostic. I’m Christian.
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Nigel7
Guest
Your boyfriend’s a jerk.
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Reepicheep
Guest
That’s what I wanted to say at first. Didn’t have the nerve. I wish now I had said it. The boy you describe is not worthy of you.
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styrgwillidar
Guest
Now that is some top notch excellent advice right there…
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Reepicheep
Guest
He’s a really sweet, helpful guy who lies to you to get away with refusing to respect your boundaries. He ‘forgets’ because you let him way with fondling you when he uses that excuse.
Does he consider your refusal to have sex a ‘quirk’? Because he seems to not respect that.
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Catherinabird
Guest
What everyone else is saying!
I also was in a situation like yours. He will get more persistent, and it will make you feel terrible. I ended up giving in to a lot after so much pressure from a boyfriend, and it entirely felt like I ruined myself. I can tell you that anything you give in to under those conditions will not even feel good. It will be horrible how much you hate it and you will feel terrible about yourself for giving in. I wish I could have read the words in here when I was your age.
I also was in a situation like yours. He will get more persistent, and it will make you feel terrible. I ended up giving in to a lot after so much pressure from a boyfriend, and it entirely felt like I ruined myself. I can tell you that anything you give in to under those conditions will not even feel good. It will be horrible how much you hate it and you will feel terrible about yourself for giving in. I wish I could have read the words in here when I was your age.
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