How to respond?

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Dr.Colossus

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I have a friend who I am pursuing a romantic relationship with (i.e., we both want one, but we’re not quite there yet). She’s had a lot of emotional problems and things in the past, plus she lives in another city. Anyway, long story short, her mother suggested to me that in order to support her emotionally and spiritually, I move to her city, which I would be willing to do. However, she also suggested that we move in together “as friends” and hope a relationship would grow. Obviously she’s not Catholic, and obviously that’s something I can’t and won’t do, but how do I tell her that? Any suggestions?
 
I appreciated how you told it right here.

I think you should be honest and straightforward with her.

If you leave this question vague right now, then it may be more difficult down the road if things do progress into a romantic relationship.

“I didn’t know you were THAT Catholic.” :rolleyes: (I had this line delivered to me once when I was a little vague when it came to my faith in a past relationship.)

I think that if you are friends, she probably knows that your Faith is a large part of your life. She may want to argue that this is some kind of competition for your affections, but you can’t let it get out of hand.

Now as to whether you should move to her area, I think if you would like to pursue that, you should. In seperate homes of course. 🙂

Blessings be with you!
 
I would recommend you tell your potential mother-in-law that you like her daughter to much to jeapordize your future relationship with her by moving in, that you value permanent marriage and that is what you are investigating to see if it is right for you and her daughter.
 
I cringe at the thought of people moving in together for the following reason (perhaps this could be used in your explanation to her):

Both my wife and I had past relationships before we got married that were inappropriate. I could not have relaized the consequences of those past actions until we were married. It was only then that I realized how much I resented the lack of “firsts” in our marriage. There is something so special about the things that were indeed firsts for us, but many of the things I would have cherished more, were not new to either of us (regrettably).

Living together is one of those things newlyweds should experience together for the first time. It will create bonds that can be acquired by no other means, demonstrating the new life together. It would be a shame to feel like you’ve “been there…done that” before.

Good luck on the relationship Dr Colossus. I wish you the best. The more things you reserve for marriage, the better the marriage will be…in my opinion. 👍
 
Chris W:
I cringe at the thought of people moving in together for the following reason (perhaps this could be used in your explanation to her):

Both my wife and I had past relationships before we got married that were inappropriate. I could not have relaized the consequences of those past actions until we were married. It was only then that I realized how much I resented the lack of “firsts” in our marriage. There is something so special about the things that were indeed firsts for us, but many of the things I would have cherished more, were not new to either of us (regrettably).

Living together is one of those things newlyweds should experience together for the first time. It will create bonds that can be acquired by no other means, demonstrating the new life together. It would be a shame to feel like you’ve “been there…done that” before.

Good luck on the relationship Dr Colossus. I wish you the best. The more things you reserve for marriage, the better the marriage will be…in my opinion. 👍
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I agree with you wholeheartedly. Thanks for your advice.
 
I love these forums. I’m amazed at how quickly so many of you have responded, with such good advice as well! The exchange in question is over email, so I have been able to formulate a well thought-out response. I would really appreciate your thoughts on it:
I know that [she] needs a lot of emotional support, and I would not hesitate to move there if that is what she needs. I want to help her any way I can. In fact, I’ve actually asked her if she’d like me to move. Her reply was a little non-committal, though I do think she was considering it.

But, I know I couldn’t live with her before marriage. I believe that part of what makes marriage so special is how completely entwined the two people’s lives become. Sharing every aspect of life with your partner is a constant reminder of how committed you are to each other. In a live-in relationship, that committment doesn’t exist, or at least, it doesn’t exist in the same way. If we lived together, I would feel like we were trying to simulate a marriage, and that can’t be done. I’m also afraid it would hurt our relationship. I have read that the divorce rate for couples who live together before marriage is 85 to 90 percent! That’s just too high. I have one more reason as well…I don’t know if [she] has told you this, but I’m fairly religious (Catholic). I just wouldn’t feel right doing something my Church is against.

I hope I haven’t disappointed or offended you, because I know how much you want your daughter to be happy, and I really do appreciate the suggestion, and I take it very seriously. I want to do whatever I can to help [her] heal and move on, and I’m willing to make any sacrifice she needs to get there. But I’d be afraid that by moving in together, we might sacrifice the very thing she needs.
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Dr. Colossus:
I love these forums. I’m amazed at how quickly so many of you have responded, with such good advice as well! The exchange in question is over email, so I have been able to formulate a well thought-out response. I would really appreciate your thoughts on it:
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Very nice. Well thought-out and hitting it from the multiple angles.

👍
 
Very well said but I would also think about including that if you lived together without being married and the relationship fell apart, she would be far worse off emotionally than before.
 
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Poisson:
Very well said but I would also think about including that if you lived together without being married and the relationship fell apart, she would be far worse off emotionally than before.
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That’s a good point. Thanks
 
I think you did great with the email as well and I also wanted to point out that women like men who are strong and confident. If this is who you are, then this is who you SHOULD BE. In front of her mother, in front of her, in front of the grocery store clerk.

Wishy washy ness is really not all that appealing. She may or may not want the relationship to continue but she will respect you greatly for your integrity.

I don’t always agree with my husband but he is most appealing to me when he refuses to violate his integrity and bend to anyone else’s wishes.

Great job and hope it all works out.
 
Doc,

I have a slightly different perspective. I think apart from the right or wrong of moving in together, the mother should butt out of your relationship. If you don’t start drawing firm boundaries with the mother now, you are in for all kinds of problems down the road if you decide to pursue this relationship.

If it were me, I would completely ignore the mother. You don’t have any explaining to do to her and and you don’t have to tell her anything.

Your decision is between you and your friend. Your friend is the only one who deserves an explanation about your decision.

Just my two cents.

Jeff
 
Dr. Colossus:
I have a friend who I am pursuing a romantic relationship with (i.e., we both want one, but we’re not quite there yet). She’s had a lot of emotional problems and things in the past, plus she lives in another city. Anyway, long story short, her mother suggested to me that in order to support her emotionally and spiritually, I move to her city, which I would be willing to do. However, she also suggested that we move in together “as friends” and hope a relationship would grow. Obviously she’s not Catholic, and obviously that’s something I can’t and won’t do, but how do I tell her that? Any suggestions?
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tell her your Catholic… novel idea don’t you think?.. be honest, i promise you that you will be better off in the long run… she will appreciate the honesty as well… be a diplomat… you know how, i’ve seen your stuff in these forums… 👍
 
space ghost:
tell her your Catholic… novel idea don’t you think?.. be honest, i promise you that you will be better off in the long run… she will appreciate the honesty as well… be a diplomat… you know how, i’ve seen your stuff in these forums… 👍
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Thanks, Space Ghost. I did decide to tell her mom I’m Catholic (my friend is, as well, though not practicing). I have exchanged a number of emails with her mom since this morning and I have taken Carrieloon’s advice and not budged an inch on the subject. She understands my decision and is glad that demonstrated what she called “a little integrity”. So thank you all for your advice!

And pittsburghjeff, believe me the mother is not butting in. It’s a far more complex situation than I care to get into on these forums, but she saw it as a practical solution to a problem, and I felt it necessary to explain why it wasn’t.
 
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