How to save a relationship gone cold

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PebbleInAPond

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Dear brothers and sisters.
I joined you here to let out a heavy burden that I’ve been carrying with me for about 7 months.

Me and my girlfriend have been together for almost 3 years now. At the time when we met it was all so romantic and everything went well. After 10 months of dating we decided we will spice up our relationship by sleeping together. I justified this decision by thinking: “We are going to marry eventually. We would marry now if we had the money.”.

Because of that decision we were not able to take the eucharist. One year after that decision I felt a longing to stop with this sinful behavior, confess and get closer to God. I talked to my girlfriend about it. She was surprised, but she agreed to do so and wait till the marriage.

For the next few months we were not able to fully commit to our decision. We never had sex, but we kissed passionately, and touched and stroked each other. We felt guilty about it and I wished we could be more chaste, but we were not strong enough.

At that time I had a very good impression of our relationship. I was sure I wanted to marry her. I was even saving money of my salary for the ring.

Not long after that two pivotal things happened (I really can’t say which was first).
  1. I was not happy in a relationship anymore. I could no longer honestly say I love you to my girlfriend and I no longer looked forward for our future together.
  2. I developed a crush on a girl from my hometown. I’m thinking about her every day since, no matter how hard I try to be faithful in thoughts.
My girlfriend sensed that something was wrong and I told her about the first point. I never told her about my crush.

I decided to stay with my girlfriend. I told myself that it’s all just a test that I must pass. I told myself that there will be more situations like this when we get married and that I must learn to deal with them.

So I tried to not think about my crush and did nice things to my girlfriend. I did not feel good. My girlfriend told me that I talked in my sleep once. She heard me say something like “This won’t work out any longer”. It was not all nightmares though. We had pleasant moments together, but it wasn’t something I wanted for the rest of my life.

All this time I have been split between two choices. One choice was to be with my girlfriend and do my best for the relationship to work as it did before. Second choice was to break up with my girlfriend and move on.

I can’t describe how difficult this is for me. I care very much about my girlfriend and I want her to be happy. On the other hand I can’t shake off infatuation I feel towards this other girl. I have been praying for wisdom and strength to see what is right and act upon it.

Here you go. I just wanted to unburden myself by letting it all out. I some of you have a suggestion what I should do, please reply.

Thank you very much,
God bless you.
 
Your living and sleeping together has created a false bond and certainly a dilemma of how to get out of a relationship that is not the right relationship. You have learned the hard way.

You do need to move out and move on, wiser for having done things the wrong way and committed to doing things the right way the next time.

Without this false intimacy of sexual relations, you would likely have come to this conclusion much sooner and without such heartbreak.

Talk to your pastor, go to confession, move out and make a commitment to chastity.
 
I remember reading a terribly sad thread some months ago where a woman had suddenly been left after a relatively short time in marriage. She said her husband said that his heart wasn’t in the marriage and that he just didn’t want to hurt her, so went through with it.

He inflicted 10 times more hurt on the poor woman as a result.

Don’t make the same mistake in your next relationship. Committing to chastity until your wedding day is the perfect way to begin on the same foot as you plan to continue throughout your married life.
 
PebbleInAPond said:
Dear brothers and sisters.
I joined you here to let out a heavy burden that I’ve been carrying with me for about 7 months.

Me and my girlfriend have been together for almost 3 years now. At the time when we met it was all so romantic and everything went well. After 10 months of dating we decided we will spice up our relationship by sleeping together. I justified this decision by thinking: “We are going to marry eventually. We would marry now if we had the money.”.

Because of that decision we were not able to take the eucharist. One year after that decision I felt a longing to stop with this sinful behavior, confess and get closer to God. I talked to my girlfriend about it. She was surprised, but she agreed to do so and wait till the marriage.

For the next few months we were not able to fully commit to our decision. We never had sex, but we kissed passionately, and touched and stroked each other. We felt guilty about it and I wished we could be more chaste, but we were not strong enough.

At that time I had a very good impression of our relationship. I was sure I wanted to marry her. I was even saving money of my salary for the ring.

Not long after that two pivotal things happened (I really can’t say which was first).
  1. I was not happy in a relationship anymore. I could no longer honestly say I love you to my girlfriend and I no longer looked forward for our future together.
  2. I developed a crush on a girl from my hometown. I’m thinking about her every day since, no matter how hard I try to be faithful in thoughts.
My girlfriend sensed that something was wrong and I told her about the first point. I never told her about my crush.

I decided to stay with my girlfriend. I told myself that it’s all just a test that I must pass. I told myself that there will be more situations like this when we get married and that I must learn to deal with them.

So I tried to not think about my crush and did nice things to my girlfriend. I did not feel good. My girlfriend told me that I talked in my sleep once. She heard me say something like “This won’t work out any longer”. It was not all nightmares though. We had pleasant moments together, but it wasn’t something I wanted for the rest of my life.

All this time I have been split between two choices. One choice was to be with my girlfriend and do my best for the relationship to work as it did before. Second choice was to break up with my girlfriend and move on.

I can’t describe how difficult this is for me. I care very much about my girlfriend and I want her to be happy. On the other hand I can’t shake off infatuation I feel towards this other girl. I have been praying for wisdom and strength to see what is right and act upon it.

Here you go. I just wanted to unburden myself by letting it all out. I some of you have a suggestion what I should do, please reply.

Thank you very much,
God bless you.
Click to expand...
Forcing yourself to go through the motions of still caring for this girl is dishonest and cowardly. She deserves better; you deserve better. It is time for the hard part now and break up with her so you each can move on and find someone else. Marriage now would be misery for you, her and any children that come along.
 
The more you stay with this woman, the more pain you are causing her. And I am pretty sure, once you leave her and no longer need an excuse to leave, this infatuation with the other girl will go away.
 
You seem to have painted yourself into a corner my friend,& there seems no way out,
Many people fall in and out of love for any number of reasons,
Just confess your troubles with your partner, be honest with her,tell her your just so confused about everything, and because you care so greatly for her, you feel you must tell her the truth ,perhaps she might feel the same way, , just be honest with her,
 
Thank you all for your thoughtful replies. It was kind of you to tell me what I needed to be told.
phil_at_dayboro said:
You seem to have painted yourself into a corner my friend,& there seems no way out,
Many people fall in and out of love for any number of reasons,
Just confess your troubles with your partner, be honest with her,tell her your just so confused about everything, and because you care so greatly for her, you feel you must tell her the truth ,perhaps she might feel the same way, , just be honest with her,
Click to expand...
I will do that. Tomorrow we will have a couple of hours just for ourselves and we will be able to talk and come to some conclusions.
 
PebbleInAPond said:
Thank you all for your thoughtful replies. It was kind of you to tell me what I needed to be told.

I will do that. Tomorrow we will have a couple of hours just for ourselves and we will be able to talk and come to some conclusions.
Click to expand...
Huh? I though you already came to the conclusion you no longer want to be with her. There is nothing wrong with breaking up but there is no need to be cruel about it. No woman wants a 2 hour conversation about breaking up. Just end it and if she asks why tell her you no longer want to spend the rest of your life with her. Don’t drag it out. That is mean
 
Anglewannabe said:
Huh? I though you already came to the conclusion you no longer want to be with her. There is nothing wrong with breaking up but there is no need to be cruel about it. No woman wants a 2 hour conversation about breaking up. Just end it and if she asks why tell her you no longer want to spend the rest of your life with her. Don’t drag it out. That is mean
Click to expand...
Yeah. 2 hours of “Here’s why I don’t love you anymore and why we don’t have a future together,” are about 1 hour 45 minutes to 1 hour 55 minutes too long. And don’t do the two hour thing even if she asks. Closure is not actually a thing. And don’t get back together.

Best wishes!
 
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