How to say no

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apromisemade

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This really doesn’t have so much to do with family as just relationships in general, but I thought it would be the best place to put it nonetheless.

So, I came from a small high school where we were more like family than a mingling group of adolescents. You didn’t even think about dating someone unless you really knew them well and dating within your grade was virtually unheard of.

Now I am in a fairly large university in a much larger town. Here, I am constantly running into guys who, while they certainly don’t come off as perverts, seem to see nothing wrong with asking me for my number before they even know my name.

Just the other day, a guy I bumped into on the sidewalk started a causal conversation with me about the weather and such. He told me he just like meeting new people and hanging out. But before long was asking me if I was married and such, even though I had already told him I was a student. He said some things that seemed innocent enough at first but now seem questionable as I think about it, such as “I wouldn’t mind seeing you again” or “I wouldn’t make you do drugs or anything, but I might let you have a sip of beer” (F.Y.I. I’m underage).

He inevitably asked me for my number. The bothersome thing is I’ve only been here for a few weeks and this is already the second time something like this has happened.

If I feel a guy is being vulgar or clearly stepping out of line, I would have no trouble telling him to take a hike. But if a guy seems nice and is being more subtle about it, I really feel akward and unsure of what to do when they ask me for my number or if I want to hang out.

So here’s the question, how do you politely get rid of a guy who is clearly hitting on you, but who isnt’ being rude about it or anything?
 
It is a bit intrusive really to be asked for your number. It’s an accepted dating technique, but it is an invasion of privacy. A stranger asking you for private details. You are expected to leave your personal security open to strangers. It really is no less intrusive than a person you don’t know well asking for your password or pin number. It would be more respectful (of your right to refuse and of your personal security) for them to ask you to join them for coffee on the campus, which you also have the right to decline if you feel uncomfortable.

You do have a right to say no. I could make suggestions but I pray you will decide on a way to defend yourself by saying ‘no’ in a way that is comfortable for you.

Warm regards, Trishie
 
I don’t mean to hit anyone over the head by saying this there are situations where there aren’t other possibilities.
I have a-girl-dressed-in-white-on-a-wharf-in-New-York story.
One of my philosophy lecturers caught me up after an exam one afternoon, and asked if I was going to the refec (the refectory) as we called the restaurant on the campus. He accompanied me there, and told me his story…older men often did, seeming only to want my understanding…and amid the other aspects of his life, he had a strong memory of a girl in white on a wharf in New York…but he didn’t speak to her or solicit her number…and she remained a poignant memory, a lost opportunity never to return, and his story remains to me as a symbol of lost opportunities.

Our obviously attractive and loveable OP is on a university campus, so anyone also studying there and who is attracted to her can easily follow up by suggesting coffee if he likes, as he’s on the same campus…but she isn’t obliged to give her phone number unless she chooses…
 
First of all, if a guy is not being respectful, and being blatant about things (mentioning alcohol is NOT a good sign), you really don’t have to worry about being polite. If a guy doesn’t listen to a firm “no thanks”, just walk away.

A guy who is not respectful, godly, and not concerned first with pursuing a friendship is most likely not worth your time. I made a lot of stupid mistakes in college, and dated a lot of stupid guys, so I know from experience. If you get any red flags whatsoever, any twinges of discomfort, I would advise you to listen to them. Just say “no thanks”. If you have to, say you have somewhere to be.

If you meet a nice guy who you are comfortable with, make sure you’re clear about the meaning of any kind of meeting, whether it’s a date, or just coffee between friends. Be cautious, take things slow, and above all, pray. Don’t give your heart away to just anybody. Let God love you.

I hope this was helpful, and good luck in school! If you haven’t already, I would strongly reccommend you hook up with the Catholic group/club on campus. If there isn’t one, seek out a local church (which you should do anyway). Having the support of other brothers and sisters in the faith is invaluable.
 
I had same problem myself when I moved from Hawaii to Seattle for college. One line that usually worked was “Oh! I’m sorry, I’m really flattered but I have a boyfriend.” But of course there are the persistent ones that don’t seem to care if you are taken or not, and still try to get your number. In those cases, I’ve always had a fake number memorized, like the number to the local Wal-Mart or something lol and it was a good thing I had it memorized. In one instance, the guy I gave the fake number to, asked me to repeat it back to him.

But if the guy who approaches you SEEMS okay, or he seems like someone you’d like to know better, you can always exchange emails, that way, if through writing, he seems a bit more strange or aggressive than you thought, you can always block him from writing you. 👍
 
Tell him you’ll take his phone number instead, then you can decide whether or not you want to call him.
 
apromisemade said:
This really doesn’t have so much to do with family as just relationships in general, but I thought it would be the best place to put it nonetheless.

So, I came from a small high school where we were more like family than a mingling group of adolescents. You didn’t even think about dating someone unless you really knew them well and dating within your grade was virtually unheard of.

Now I am in a fairly large university in a much larger town. Here, I am constantly running into guys who, while they certainly don’t come off as perverts, seem to see nothing wrong with asking me for my number before they even know my name.

Just the other day, a guy I bumped into on the sidewalk started a causal conversation with me about the weather and such. He told me he just like meeting new people and hanging out. But before long was asking me if I was married and such, even though I had already told him I was a student. He said some things that seemed innocent enough at first but now seem questionable as I think about it, such as “I wouldn’t mind seeing you again” or “I wouldn’t make you do drugs or anything, but I might let you have a sip of beer” (F.Y.I. I’m underage).

He inevitably asked me for my number. The bothersome thing is I’ve only been here for a few weeks and this is already the second time something like this has happened.

If I feel a guy is being vulgar or clearly stepping out of line, I would have no trouble telling him to take a hike. But if a guy seems nice and is being more subtle about it, I really feel akward and unsure of what to do when they ask me for my number or if I want to hang out.

So here’s the question, how do you politely get rid of a guy who is clearly hitting on you, but who isnt’ being rude about it or anything?
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Just say no thanks, I don’t give my number out to anybody else than family and close friends. If he continues to act the same, then you start being firm. 10 to 1 he only wants one thing from you and I bet you know what it is. My sister goes to a large university and even after telling guys that she’s married and has a kid they’ll still be hitting on her. A nice guy isn’t going to be hitting on a girl like that.
 
stringbeanduck said:
Just say no thanks, I don’t give my number out to anybody else than family and close friends. If he continues to act the same, then you start being firm. 10 to 1 he only wants one thing from you and I bet you know what it is. My sister goes to a large university and even after telling guys that she’s married and has a kid they’ll still be hitting on her. A nice guy isn’t going to be hitting on a girl like that.
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This could be a serious safety issue as well. Not to scare our OP, it’s not very frequent, but there was a serial killer at Louisiana State University, he killed at least 6 college women before he was caught in 2004. Giving out your phone number to strangers is a safety issue, and stringbeanduck’s answer makes a lot of sense to me.
 
I would ask for their e-mail address instead of a phone number if you may be interested in him. This way you have a choice whether to contact him or not. Plus, I have found that most people who accept my e-mail address don’t really write to me or they only write one time and that is it.

A really good thing to say is 'I am not interested"… and just walk away…

Regarding giving out your e-mail to a stranger. This is my advise:
Get an extra e-mail address where you can give it out to people or companies you may not be interested in. The reason for that is that they can’t mess up your favorite important e-mail address.

I have three e-mail addresses: one is for important e-mails, the other one is for just friends that may send me stupid e-mails.
The third one is for people and websites that are not important to me. It works out really well for me because one time a few years ago one of my e-mails got spammed and it was hard to get rid of the spammers even with security… so I just got rid of the e-mail address.
I have learned from experience that your phone number should be kept very private or you may be harrassed by a weirdo.
A long time ago I had to go to court because a weirdo kept calling me day and night and would just hang up without talking.

He was found guilty with a slap on the hand and a few years later he still called me back but I was able to trace the call to his job and I blasted him by telling his work place that some weirdo in their office was calling me and he finally stopped calling me.

Take care and beware of strangers. Try to make friends with some type of College Club where you really get to know the students well.
 
apromisemade said:
This really doesn’t have so much to do with family as just relationships in general, but I thought it would be the best place to put it nonetheless.

So, I came from a small high school where we were more like family than a mingling group of adolescents. You didn’t even think about dating someone unless you really knew them well and dating within your grade was virtually unheard of.

Now I am in a fairly large university in a much larger town. Here, I am constantly running into guys who, while they certainly don’t come off as perverts, seem to see nothing wrong with asking me for my number before they even know my name.

Just the other day, a guy I bumped into on the sidewalk started a causal conversation with me about the weather and such. He told me he just like meeting new people and hanging out. But before long was asking me if I was married and such, even though I had already told him I was a student. He said some things that seemed innocent enough at first but now seem questionable as I think about it, such as “I wouldn’t mind seeing you again” or “I wouldn’t make you do drugs or anything, but I might let you have a sip of beer” (F.Y.I. I’m underage).

He inevitably asked me for my number. The bothersome thing is I’ve only been here for a few weeks and this is already the second time something like this has happened.

If I feel a guy is being vulgar or clearly stepping out of line, I would have no trouble telling him to take a hike. But if a guy seems nice and is being more subtle about it, I really feel akward and unsure of what to do when they ask me for my number or if I want to hang out.

So here’s the question, how do you politely get rid of a guy who is clearly hitting on you, but who isnt’ being rude about it or anything?
Click to expand...
Tell them that you are already engaged or if you are open for dialog… tell them you only date serious Christian men.
I have tried it so many times what you are talking about… and these men are not all sleasy… but I told some that I was married even. Why its not a lie… Jesus is our Bridegroom.
🙂
 
First of all, do not lie. I repeat: do not lie. While a fake excuse not to give your number to an inquisitive stranger is not a serious matter, a lie is still a lie. You don’t want to give your number away easily, but you don’t want to lie, either. Lying is wrong and being put in an uncomfortable situation does not justify it. Besides, lying often leaves scratches and/or comes back to you. I can tell you that lying has always a been a short way to make me disinterested in a girl. At any rate, the reason you don’t want to lie is because lying is wrong, not because it hits back sometimes.

What’s more, you don’t need excuses for your decisions, which you are free to make as a being with free will and human dignity. An honest but socially clumsy guy may deserve some form of feedback, but that is where it ends. You don’t owe an excuse to someone who’s being rude or who keeps his own motives hidden from you.

Strictly speaking, no one needs to know why you won’t give him the number. However, I suggest you simply tell them the truth: “No, thanks. I only give my number to people I know well.” “No, thanks. I don’t believe in things happening so fast.” “I appreciate your attention, but I’m not into fast-track dating.” If you already see you could never date the guy who’s asking, you can tell him, “Sorry, I don’t feel the chemistry,” and that should cut it. Be polite but firm. Politeness is important, especially when you need to be firm. But politeness is about the form (how you tell it), not about the matter (what you tell). Your politeness is a part of how people see you and also how your future “Mr Right” will see you. Women often rate men for how they treat women, including those who they aren’t interested in. Men sometimes do the same. It is only fair to have it work both ways if any at all.

Be aware, however, that if you spend some time talking and the guy seems to like you, he may legitimately not want to take random chances like meeting you on the campus by another accident another day. You may give him an e-mail then, like previous posters suggested. If you don’t want to hurt his feelings, you can tell him it’s not about him, it’s about principle. You don’t give your number, but you can give him your e-mail. If he fusses, perhaps he’s not that nice after all, or you can tell him to put himself in your shoes and ask him how easily would he give his number if he were a girl. If he doesn’t get that… well, that’s his problem.

When I was younger, this was called being"assertive". I didn’t like the concept that much because it involved a lot of self-focus. However, some of the literature about this might be useful - and as a college student, you probably have access to a well-equipped library. People have written whole books about how to say no. Just don’t treat any book like truth revealed or 100% proven science and you should be fine.
 
How to say no? Especially if the guy seems to be “nice”?

Well, if your inner voice is telling you he is a wolf in sheep’s clothing, listen to it. Ofcourse he is being “nice” but he is also saying, “I won’t make you take drugs…let you have a sip of beer?” Holy!!! J-E-R-K.

#1: You do not have to tell anyone anything about you—period. These guys are already making you feel guilty if you aren’t interested, and that is a big warning sign. Someone who you feel will not respect your “No” is someone who is trying to control and coerse.

#2: Know what you want in a man, in a friend. Do you know what qualities, virtues, and character signs are important to you? So that you can easily identify when you are seeing signs of poor behavior and give yourself the confidence to not accept that in your life. You will then know when to say yes or no to any relationship based on that goal of surrounding yourself with people of high ideals that have your best interests at heart.

Ok. For the guy that you sense is not worth your time- don’t tell him anything about you. When he says “Can I get your number?” you say, “No thanks. It was nice talking with you.” and walk! Do not lie. Do not try to make him feel better or protect him- that is crazy. Be nice, but say what you mean and go on. If he follows and is pestering turn square to him and say loudly and confidently, “I don’t really know how much clearer I can be with you–I am not interested.” And walk away again.

This is a hard lesson for girls. Now if you meet a guy you got a good vibe from and he asks for your number, get his instead by saying, “I would prefer to get your number instead. May I have your number and call you tomorrow?”

I was not so smooth as a young lady and was hit on constantly. In traffic, at the gym, walking down the street, oh you name it! I began wearing a fake wedding ring to get a break from it. I don’t recommend that. I think it is better to be firm and confident instead.👍
 
BTW, you don’t have to defend your “No” or explain yourself to someone you are not interested in to not “hurt is feelings” as if he has developed real feelings for you in the last several seconds of meeting you and you are responsible for him and his ego.:confused:

I see some of that suggested in other posts.
 
apromisemade said:
ThisSo here’s the question, how do you politely get rid of a guy who is clearly hitting on you, but who isnt’ being rude about it or anything?
Click to expand...
either I don’t understand what “hitting on” means or I don’t know rudeness when I see it, but how is a stranger soliciting sexual favors not rude? forget being polite, jerks don’t respond to polite, the response is get out of here and never bother me again or I am going to call the campus police. If you don’t want to be that confrontational just say, NO, please get out of my way and get lost.
 
“Hitting on” traditionally has a sexual meaning, but these days most people use that term to describe making advances.
 
Ask him what mass he goes to. That will quickly weed out the undesirables (speaking as the father to a wonderful girl).
 
There are some real jerks out there in the world. You don’t have to worry about hurting their feelings. They are men who don’t care what you say to them because they can handle any insult or harse words.
Most likely those jerks will say they want to visit you or you visit them at their place. They don’t even invite you on a date. Students usually don’t have money to take a girl out on a date.

Start talking about your religion that should scare him off.
 
dconklin said:
**Ask him what mass he goes to. **That will quickly weed out the undesirables (speaking as the father to a wonderful girl).
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LaLucia said:
There are some real jerks out there in the world. You don’t have to worry about hurting their feelings. They are men who don’t care what you say to them because they can handle any insult or harse words.
Most likely those jerks will say they want to visit you or you visit them at their place. They don’t even invite you on a date. Students usually don’t have money to take a girl out on a date.

Start talking about your religion that should scare him off.
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This works. I used to do this when I was in college but I wasn’t trying to weed out anyone, just making conversation. I eventually realized what effect it had which I found surprising. I was very disappointed (in the guy) and a little freaked because I felt I narrowly avoided something pretty bad.

Beware of those who think it’s fun to corrupt the innocent. They might not be repelled by you practicing your faith.
“I wouldn’t make you do drugs or anything, but I might let you have a sip of beer” (F.Y.I. I’m underage).
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Someone shouldn’t have to tell you he wouldn’t make you use drugs let alone suggest you engage in illegal activity (not that I believe the former anyway). This guy has told you everything you need to know. This is a good thing.
 
I used to work in a college as a career/academic counselor. I used to tell my students that their education was very important and they should post-pone serious relationships until they graduated from college.

Since you say you are new in college… the boys are checking you out to see if you “put-out” as the young students say.

The word will get out that you don’t and the boys will leave you alone.
Whenever I talked about God to my co-workers they would start running away from me. They would say that they didn’t want to be converted to become Catholics. I would say, “hey, I am just telling you about my experience with God”.
It was strange that there were just a few Catholics in my college staff. Most of them were of other religions or… they just didn’t care about religions at all.

I truly felt isolated until some Catholic Missionary students showed up at my college and I became their club advisor. Then I had fun talking about God. I have wonderful memories of my experience with my students.
I am presently retired and I am very active in my church. It is wonderful not to be censored by non-Catholics. I don’t feel isolated anymore.
 
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