How to spice up a marriage with an unwilling partner?

[MysticalMan]

MM, I commend you for wanting to improve your marriage. It sounds as though your wife really has no desire to do her part (or am I reading you wrong?). Y’all need to have a frank talk! She needs to realize that husbands are very important and need lots of attention.
My husband gets very cranky if I go for a spell without paying attention to him.
Just my two cents, for what it’s worth…

This is right. It seems like she doesn’t care one way or the other what happens. Very passive approach.

Leslie-FYI don’t worry we have a good prayer life and frequently go to Perpetual adoration together. This is one of the few activities I can get her to do, I wish we did it more.

 

[dulcissima]

You know, in so many ways this seems like an unanswerable question – how do you spice up a marriage with an unwilling partner? My thought is that it can only be done with prayer and sacrifice.

“So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.”

 

[kage_ar]

Three bits of advice:

Spend 15 minutes every day talking with your wife. Not about kids, not about the broken washing machine - just sitting there with a cup of tea or a glass of wine talking about politics or the pretty sunset or the Homily at Mass last week. Real conversation.

Fast and pray for your wife/marriage.

Read some of the suggeted books - I suggest Matthew Kelly’s “The Seven Levels of Intimacy”.

 

[RWMorris]

MM, have you tried being a little more demanding? Are you always really patient with her, or do you ever have an opportunity to share YOUR feelings? Just wondering…

 

[litllulu]

Well, in my opinion - here is the problem. Maybe it is time to actually build a marriage that is Christ-centered instead of hot-pants centered.

I think THIS was taken out of context. The man just said he didn’t have to do anything special to enjoy his wife. So what? That equals no God? That is a big leap.

And saying “Actually build a marriage that is Christ-centered” implies that you beleive he does not have a Christ centered marriage. He didn’t say he had a marriage that was hot pants centered. Face it, every engaged couple or newly married couple has hot pants. Thats normal and is not indicative of a lack of Christ.

Obviously he does hence they go to PA together. I think you owe him an apology.

 

[BLB_Oregon]

I know when I get married, oh boy, Can’t wait to have that SPICE!

MM, I commend you for wanting to improve your marriage. It sounds as though your wife really has no desire to do her part (or am I reading you wrong?). Y’all need to have a frank talk! She needs to realize that husbands are very important and need lots of attention.
My husband gets very cranky if I go for a spell without paying attention to him.
Just my two cents, for what it’s worth…

This is right. It seems like she doesn’t care one way or the other what happens. Very passive approach.

MM, have you tried being a little more demanding? Are you always really patient with her, or do you ever have an opportunity to share YOUR feelings? Just wondering…

Presumably, he has made it known that he is interestested in spice, or he wouldn’t be asking the question. (You have asked, right?)

This is just my experience, but I have never gotten anywhere in the romance department, let alone the marriage department, by asking “What is in this for me?” I certainly cannot advocate in favor of getting “cranky” as a recipe for adding spice to the marriage. That is works for husbands is a testament to the love of their wives in their willingness to meet a need regardless of how it is expressed, not the husbands.

There isn’t much point in adding spice if you don’t have the meat in the first place…it will never satisfy either of you. If you have let it be known that you feel your marriage is in a rut and your spouse doesn’t reply in agreement, then you need to go back a level or two and do your home maintenance there. Again: Keep the Main Thing the Main Thing.

Mind that you bring only the best ingredients and that you cook with love. The spices, those you add just before serving.

 

[RWMorris]

My point was that anyone gets a little bent out of shape if their needs are being chronically ignored, as it sounds from OP. Sometimes spouses do need a little shaking up; not in a mean or spiteful manner, but frankly and honestly. And there are definitely times to say, “Look, you’re NOT paying attention here!”

 

[BLB_Oregon]

My point was that anyone gets a little bent out of shape if their needs are being chronically ignored, as it sounds from OP. Sometimes spouses do need a little shaking up; not in a mean or spiteful manner, but frankly and honestly. And there are definitely times to say, “Look, you’re NOT paying attention here!”

Yes, absolutely, especially if it is delivered with an invitation to communicate. While I would hesitate to characterize it as “getting bent out of shape”, there are times when strong words are called for, and nothing to feel guilty about.

If you don’t have communication, if you don’t have listening that is intent on understanding and speaking that is intent on being nor only kind but also open and honest, the “spice” isn’t going to happen. Merely letting the words fly and mechanically letting the words “register” is not going to do it. There needs to be intimacy of both mind and heart before the rest follows, at least if it is going to have any long-term duration. A lie only works for a short time. The truth takes more effort and more giving.

 

[exiled]

MM, have you tried being a little more demanding? Are you always really patient with her, or do you ever have an opportunity to share YOUR feelings? Just wondering…

As a wife, I have to agree with this statement. There is way too much concentration on how women feel in our society, with no accountability for how they fulfill their roles. My husband has come down on me hard a few times, and I’ve learned to respect him for it and I brag about his ability to clearly see how I’m failing.

 

[RWMorris]

As a wife, I have to agree with this statement. There is way too much concentration on how women feel in our society, with no accountability for how they fulfill their roles. My husband has come down on me hard a few times, and I’ve learned to respect him for it and I brag about his ability to clearly see how I’m failing.

Absolutely true. Why is it that women get all the attention for how THEY feel? Men have feelings and emotional needs, too. But somehow in today’s climate, men are expected to show nothing but concern about wives and ignore themselves.
My husband needs a lot of attention and intimacy. If he doesn’t get it, he gets extremely down…even cranky. That’s natural! Why is saying it taboo?

 

[BLB_Oregon]

Absolutely true. Why is it that women get all the attention for how THEY feel? Men have feelings and emotional needs, too. But somehow in today’s climate, men are expected to show nothing but concern about wives and ignore themselves.
My husband needs a lot of attention and intimacy. If he doesn’t get it, he gets extremely down…even cranky. That’s natural! Why is saying it taboo?

If the wife had written, that might be great advice, but it is the husband that wrote. This isn’t about men and women. It is about what is going to work and who it is your job to amend. This thread is also about the first place I’ve ever heard someone say that nagging from their spouse brought the spice back into their marriage. Communication, yes. Nagging…well, if you were open to the message in spite of the package, I say “hurrah to you!” and I mean that truly, for yours was the Christian response, and not the natural reaction to that kind of demand. A rekindling of affection under those conditions happens under the operation of grace that is little short of a miracle. Praise God, though…it does happen!

Very rarely, in marriage, is trying to change your spouse your first and most important course of action. The person you are most able, responsible, and likely to change is: You. The person whose faults you are most likely to be blind to is: You. The person whom you can be certain always needs your reminders to love more diligently is: You. I will tell you, when I feel like, “This guy is too much, he deserves a whack upside the head and not more giving from me, I just can’t do it anymore”, then I ask Jesus to love him for me. I have never been denied help, ever. When it comes to love, God is a well without bottom, free to any who ask.

It may be “natural” to snap and complain when our needs aren’t met, but snapping and complaining are not therefore the component that is lacking when our needs aren’t being met. If you go there and your wife responds, I would say “good for her!” and not “good for you!”

I gave advice to him about how to love his wife. Read it back over…if it were the wife who came here, and even if she were to say “He is complaining, but I just don’t feel the spark”, I would have given essentially the same advice. As long as you tell the truth, you can hardly go wrong in marriage by increasing your efforts to make yourself the best friend, the best sibling in Christ, and the best lover that you can be. Concentration on the faults and natural eccentricities of your spouse, though…that can get you into all sorts of problems. As much as you are capable while still being honest about your own needs and faults–pride about what those are will not help!–do not go there.

 

[leonie]

It’s very frustrating when you desire attention/intimacy with your spouse and he is uninterested. It can feel very rejecting.

When my husband is cold or detached, I know that he is tired or stressed out. Usually, I have to plan a date to get us back on track. We usually go out to eat.

As for my husband, I think he finds that when I am uninterested or detached, it’s pretty easy to get my attention. All he has to do is listen sympathetically and touch me affectionately (not sexually).

If I interpret “spice” to be more sexual desire, I find that NFP works really well. The abstaining and all the looks, innuendos, and anticipation have the effect of increasing our desire to where it was when we were newlyweds.

NFP has really transformed our sex life for the better.

 

[Em_in_FL]

If I interpret “spice” to be more sexual desire, I find that NFP works really well. The abstaining and all the looks, innuendos, and anticipation have the effect of increasing our desire to where it was when we were newlyweds.

NFP has really transformed our sex life for the better.

Oh I totally agree!

This is what I meant in my first post about FLIRTING… that time of abstaining is critical psycologically because we WANT what we want to AVOID! LOL! It’s a lot like when we were dating. And then when we’re ready to be intimate again… it’s like our HONEYMOON all over!