How to stay chaste with a wife who contracepts?

[underacloud]

Like I said in the original post, it comes down to the* basic* conclusion that if I have a grave enough reason to have relations with her then I may not be guilty in cooperating with the potential abortion. Divorce may be a grave enough reason.

Which is why my spiritual director advised me to never initiate. He also advised that we should only have relations when I am being coerced because of the threat of divorce. Therefore, if my wife was okay with remaining abstinent until after menopause, then I would definitely never be able to initiate.

If you have a (good) spiritual director, then you should certainly follow his advice.

That said, I can’t imagine what you have said above is exactly what your spiritual director is advising. I suspect you have applied your own filter to things.

I say this because it is absurd to suggest that you should only have relations with your wife when she threatens divorce. How does that conversation go?

Wife: let’s have sex tonight.

Husband: I don’t want to because I believe our sex is a sin.

Wife: I will divorce you if you don’t go to the bedroom right now!

(yes, I’m being a bit facetious here, but to make a point)

The “grave reason” is the overall health of the marriage; it is not only related to a specific threat made.

You already made it clear that she will not accept abstinence. Thus, there is no need for this threat to be repeated each time before you have sex. To force her to do so is unloving. I accept that you do not wish to initiate sex, but if she initiates, I suggest you can certainly take for granted that your refusal (unless she makes an explicit threat) may contribute to harming the marriage and leading towards divorce.

 

[yellow8yellowM]

That said, I can’t imagine what you have said above is exactly what your spiritual director is advising. I suspect you have applied your own filter to things.

I say this because it is absurd to suggest that you should only have relations with your wife when she threatens divorce. How does that conversation go?

Wife: let’s have sex tonight.

Husband: I don’t want to because I believe our sex is a sin.

Wife: I will divorce you if you don’t go to the bedroom right now!

(yes, I’m being a bit facetious here, but to make a point)

The “grave reason” is the overall health of the marriage; it is not only related to a specific threat made.

You already made it clear that she will not accept abstinence. Thus, there is no need for this threat to be repeated each time before you have sex. To force her to do so is unloving. I accept that you do not wish to initiate sex, but if she initiates, I suggest you can certainly take for granted that your refusal (unless she makes an explicit threat) may contribute to harming the marriage and leading towards divorce.

I was not clear. You are right, I have made my point and do not have to wait for the divorce threat every time. But if one day she changes her mind and says that she would be okay with abstinence, then the onus would be on me. I guess this is kind of redundant with the fact that I still could never initiate.

 

[on_the_hill]

If she went with abstinence, why would you still not initiate?

 

[underacloud]

I was not clear. You are right, I have made my point and do not have to wait for the divorce threat every time. But if one day she changes her mind and says that she would be okay with abstinence, then the onus would be on me. I guess this is kind of redundant with the fact that I still could never initiate.

Ah, fair enough. Sorry I misunderstood.

 

[yellow8yellowM]

If she went with abstinence, why would you still not initiate?

I would not initiate because I know that every time we have sex there is a chance that a child might be conceived. My wife’s intention is that if this child is conceived that it will not implant in her uterus. She has taken steps to ensure that this will happen, to the best of her ability.

Therefore, every time I initiate I am more responsible for cooperating with the potential loss of that child than if I was coerced into the act by the implicit threat of divorce.

If she decided to be abstinent she would still keep using the contraceptive, therefore nothing would really change.

 

[FreeEver]

For those of you who are so adamant that I should follow the advise of the priest, what would you say if I went to another priest and he recommended the opposite? Who should I believe? In the end I must follow my conscience, right?

All right - interesting. Don’t accept advice from a Catholic priest; instead seek it from anonymous posters on the internet.

Also, it appears that you have made genuine efforts to thoroughly research this subject by several of your posts. If so, it’s now between you and the Lord, thus, follow your conscience with the guidance of the Holy Spirit.

God Bless and Peace to all.

 

[EasterJoy]

…For those of you who are so adamant that I should follow the advise of the priest, what would you say if I went to another priest and he recommended the opposite? Who should I believe? In the end I must follow my conscience, right?

To clarify: We are morally bound to follow our correctly-formed moral consciences, not our *emotional *consciences. There is a big difference.

That you need soothing every time you fulfill your duty to have marital relations with your wife in spite of her moral choices does not mean you are doing a thing that is wrong. Obviously, someone afflicted with a scrupulosity needs soothing all of the time even though they are over-reacting to their moral choices, right?

 

[Litcrit]

You are not under obligation to stop having relations with your wife. Yes, the pill **might **act abortifaciently. It might not. In any given act of intercourse, you are not responsible for such an outcome.

An excellent response, to which I will only add the following:

The pill might stop a zygote from implanting. A zygote is also slightly less likely to implant when a woman is breastfeeding, or when it is conceived during the “less fertile” days. If one follows your logic, then you would be sinning if you had sex with your wife while she was still nursing or if it wasn’t strictly around ovulation time.

There are other reasons why a zygote might not implant.

*You *are not the one contracepting. *You *are not responsible for whatever outcomes there are.

But you might help your marriage survive.

 

[ajecphotos]

Can i ask but is it through church ‘tradition’ that contraception was brought about or is it from the bible?

I ask as i genuinely dont know! Thanks

Edit: Just been reading about it all. Ignore above!

 

[phillylawyer]

My wife is using a contraceptive which is an abortifacient. I have proposed that we remain abstinent until she discontinues the abortifacient, which she refuses to do. She threatens divorce if I demand abstinence. We have children.

I have sought the advice of several holy priests and the basic conclusion is that if I have a grave enough reason to have relations with her then I may not be guilty in cooperating with the potential abortion. Divorce may be a grave enough reason.

Therefore I have decided to avoid relations as much as possible without inciting a divorce, and I am never to never initiate anything. I go to confession after each marital act.

Is anybody else in this situation? If so, please let me know who you manage it? This is a struggle for me, especially considering my wife is not on board. I am in a constant near occasion of sin.

Also, I feel a little weird confessing this because I am not contrite. I **do not **firmly resolve to sin no more and to avoid the near occasion of sin. I can be contrite about not initiating, but since I have decided beforehand that I will give in to her future demands it is impossible to be contrite about the act itself.

I’m looking mostly for help in managing my situation, but if you have thoughts about the contrition part I would love to hear them as well.

Don’t threaten to divorce your wife. Also, it is not at all medically clear that artificial contraception does in fact increase the likelihood of a miscarriage.

Even if that was scientifically evident, there are dietary, etc. factors that can lead to increased rate of miscarriage for early conception. It is not morally required for each couple to refrain from every act that could possibly increase (by an amount) the likelihood of a miscarriage.

Your (and even your wife’s) purpose is not to have an abortion. It may (or may not be, the scientific evidence is not clear) an unintended side effect to cause a small increase in the chances of miscarriage.

Your wife is clearly aware of your moral objection to using contraception. Continue to have sex with her and be the best husband that you can be. Do not threaten to divorce her and do not threaten her with abstinence.

 

[phillylawyer]

You are not under obligation to stop having relations with your wife. Yes, the pill **might **act abortifaciently. It might not. In any given act of intercourse, you are not responsible for such an outcome.

Please stop doing that. You will drive yourself crazy. YOU ARE NOT SINNING by having relations with your wife. She is contracepting. Any sin is hers. Read Vademecum for Confessors. Read Casti Connubi. Read Humanae Vitae.

No, you aren’t. As long as you are not contracepting, you are periodically encouraging her to stop, and you are not encouraging the contraception you are NOT sinning.

You ARE NOT sinning. Your priests have told you that you are not sinning. Stop throwing yourself on misplaced martyrdom to an imaginary sin.

Have relations with your wife. Pray for her. Continue to try to lead her away from sin. But stop believing YOU are sinning. The Church simply doesn’t teach that you are.

This advice is exactly correct.

 

[phillylawyer]

I would not initiate because I know that every time we have sex there is a chance that a child might be conceived. My wife’s intention is that if this child is conceived that it will not implant in her uterus. She has taken steps to ensure that this will happen, to the best of her ability.

Therefore, every time I initiate I am more responsible for cooperating with the potential loss of that child than if I was coerced into the act by the implicit threat of divorce.

If she decided to be abstinent she would still keep using the contraceptive, therefore nothing would really change.

No. Your wife has taken steps to ensure that she does not get pregnant when you have sex. It may or may not be a side effect of the BC that if she were to get pregnant anyway, there would be an increase chance of preventing implantation. This is an unintended side effect.
There are other dietary things, health things, exercise things, etc. that may lead to this increase as well. Every action that could possibly lead to a slightly less hospitable uterine wall for the implantation of a conceived embryo. Any and all such actions are not morally equivalent to intentionally causing an abortion.

Yes, your wife is acting in a way that is contradicts the moral teaching of the church (artificial contraception). However, no, she is not “intentionally killing your children.” It’s very unhealthy (and not true), so stop thinking of her and treating her that way.

 

[yellow8yellowM]

All right - interesting. Don’t accept advice from a Catholic priest; instead seek it from anonymous posters on the internet.

Also, it appears that you have made genuine efforts to thoroughly research this subject by several of your posts. If so, it’s now between you and the Lord, thus, follow your conscience with the guidance of the Holy Spirit.

God Bless and Peace to all.

In the original my post the questions was not, “Should I follow the advice of a priest,” but “given the fact that I am following the advice of the priest, what are some practical ways of putting that advice into practice.”

I am looking for people who are in this situation or who have specific advice on how to cope in a marriage like mine. The black and white is easy. If the priest said I must remain abstinent for forever, then I could adjust my habits accordingly. If he said I could initiate whenever I wanted, that would be easy. But in the middle, it is very hard. I cannot initiate, yet my wife is beautiful and I always have the thought in my head, “I wonder if she is going to want initiate tonight?” Can you see how that is hard?

Check this article by Father Tad about not initiating:
thetablet.org/when-spouses-disagree-on-birth-control/

Keep in mind that the article deals with contraception in general, not ones specifically that are abortifacients.

 

[yellow8yellowM]

No. Your wife has taken steps to ensure that she does not get pregnant when you have sex. It may or may not be a side effect of the BC that if she were to get pregnant anyway, there would be an increase chance of preventing implantation. This is an unintended side effect.

That is kind of like saying that I am going to rob a bank. I will arm myself with an AK-47 just in case it gets ugly. But my intention is only theft.

It would be one thing if she was ignorant and another thing if the scientific evidence was underwhelming, but neither are true. It even says on the packaging label that it thins the lining of the uterus. But please, let’s not get into this argument. I do concede that it there is only a potential for an abortion and that if my wife had her choice, she would prefer the contraceptive to work by preventing ovulation every time. Please see the quote below from the Congregation of the Doctrine of Faith regarding abortifacients.

Even if such interceptives may not cause an abortion every time they are used, also because conception does not occur after every act of sexual intercourse, it must be noted, however, that “anyone who seeks to prevent the implantation of an embryo which may possibly have been conceived and who therefore either requests or prescribes such a pharmaceutical, generally intends abortion” (Regarding the Instruction Dignitas Personae).

 

[SuperLuigi]

My wife is using a contraceptive which is an abortifacient. I have proposed that we remain abstinent until she discontinues the abortifacient, which she refuses to do. She threatens divorce if I demand abstinence. We have children.

I have sought the advice of several holy priests and the basic conclusion is that if I have a grave enough reason to have relations with her then I may not be guilty in cooperating with the potential abortion. Divorce may be a grave enough reason.

Therefore I have decided to avoid relations as much as possible without inciting a divorce, and I am never to never initiate anything. I go to confession after each marital act.

Is anybody else in this situation? If so, please let me know who you manage it? This is a struggle for me, especially considering my wife is not on board. I am in a constant near occasion of sin.

Also, I feel a little weird confessing this because I am not contrite. I **do not **firmly resolve to sin no more and to avoid the near occasion of sin. I can be contrite about not initiating, but since I have decided beforehand that I will give in to her future demands it is impossible to be contrite about the act itself.

I’m looking mostly for help in managing my situation, but if you have thoughts about the contrition part I would love to hear them as well.

I think you need to find one regular spiritual director and take that person’s advice and tell him/her exactly what you have told us. You need more than basics and maybes here.

It does make sense to me that you would not be responsible for any sin involved if your spouse insists on using contraception and you have sex anyways. I have heard this before.

As far as the risk of abortion goes, I have a couple of suggestions.

One is not to have sex when it could get her pregnant and the other is to see if it would be sinful in some way to get her to use contraception that doesn’t risk abortion. My guess is that could diminish the evil on her part, but since I am not a moral theologian, I don’t know for sure if even that would be allowed.

Overall, I think you may be on more solid ground than you realize just because you are doing your best in good faith, and that does mean a lot to God. But you also need to take advantage of good spiritual direction.

 

[MJJean]

That is kind of like saying that I am going to rob a bank. I will arm myself with an AK-47 just in case it gets ugly. But my intention is only theft.

It would be one thing if she was ignorant and another thing if the scientific evidence was underwhelming, but neither are true. It even says on the packaging label that it thins the lining of the uterus. But please, let’s not get into this argument. I do concede that it there is only a potential for an abortion and that if my wife had her choice, she would prefer the contraceptive to work by preventing ovulation every time. Please see the quote below from the Congregation of the Doctrine of Faith regarding abortifacients.

Scientific evidence says the lining of the uterus is thinned and IF breakthrough ovulation occurred and IF the egg released were fertilized, MAYBE the zygote would fail to implant. Which, by the way, many foods, medications, beverages, etc. can also cause. Not to mention that even when a woman is not using contraception there is no guarantee that a fertilized egg would successfully implant. In fact, unsuccessful implantation of fertilized eggs is naturally much more common than successful implantation and pregnancy.

You’ve quoted a statement that contains the words " that “anyone who seeks to prevent the implantation of an embryo which may possibly have been conceived and who therefore either requests or prescribes such a pharmaceutical, generally intends abortion” (Regarding the Instruction Dignitas Personae). Note the word “generally”. This is not a blanket statement. Is this true of your wife? Does she directly intend abortion or is that something that may occur naturally or as a side effect of the BCP? If her intention isn’t to cause abortion than you aren’t co-operating with evil because her intent isn’t evil.

You’ve made your objection to ABC known. You’ve refused to cooperate in her purchase or use of ABC. You aren’t doing anything wrong by having sex with your wife under the circumstances. However, you are damaging your wife as a woman and your marriage as a whole if you do not.

Your wife pulled out the D word. Generally, married women with children do not lightly threaten divorce. She may be angry and blowing off steam or she may actually mean that she will divorce you if you don’t begin having regular relations with her.

And try to see it from her point of view. As far as she is concerned, you are being unreasonable, rejecting her, and withholding sex from her until she bows to your way of thinking. She might also be wondering if perhaps you are using your faith and her Pill as an excuse to refuse sex because you don’t want her anymore or something along those lines. Then, when you do have sex, you feel guilty and go to Confession. From her point of view, that’s adding insult to injury.

For all she knows, you’ve gone off the deep end and see sex in general, or with her in particular, as sinful. Even if you tell her that you still love her, that you still want her, that the only problem really is the Pill she might not entirely believe you because this thinking is so different from how she thinks and, frankly, actions speak louder than words. If you aren’t initiating and you’re only willing to have sex rarely and even then only when she initiates, what message do you think that’s sending her?

No, marriage isn’t only about sex. But sex is a big part of marriage. Without that physical and emotional bond marriage can become miserable. Problems in the bedroom tend to spill over into other parts of the relationship. Distance, sadness, rejection, hurt, anger, resentment…all can stem from lack of sex or perceived lack of desire from one spouse to the other.

Being friends is important in a marriage, but so is being lovers. If your wife had wanted a friend she wouldn’t have married you. If she has threatened divorce I’d go with she probably means it and without some serious change on your part she might go through with it. Do you know what that means? It means child support and/or alimony. It means dividing up the holidays with the kids. It means every other weekend and maybe a few days/evenings during the week. It means having to explain to the kids why mommy and daddy don’t live together anymore. It also may mean having to see your ex-wife date and eventually remarry if she doesn’t simply decide to live with the new guy instead. Not a pretty picture.

 

[GenerationHV]

An excellent response, to which I will only add the following:

The pill might stop a zygote from implanting. A zygote is also slightly less likely to implant when a woman is breastfeeding, or when it is conceived during the “less fertile” days. If one follows your logic, then you would be sinning if you had sex with your wife while she was still nursing or if it wasn’t strictly around ovulation time.

There are other reasons why a zygote might not implant.

*You *are not the one contracepting. *You *are not responsible for whatever outcomes there are.

But you might help your marriage survive.

This is exactly what I wanted to say! Would he feel he was sinning to have sex with hs wife while she was breast feeding. Or peri menopausal? I don’t get the hang up on the uterine lining thinned abortifacient ashmortifacient hang up on the pill but never on any other times a woman’s endometrial lining would be thinned.

To the OP have you ever considered how couples purposely do extended breast feeding in order to space children? Did you know that for some their intent it to not ovulate and therefore use it as nfp? Well it is proposed that implantation failure can occur during this time IF a women ovulated and conceived. They are not culpable for any “abortifacient” effect from their breast feeding.

 

[sailor28]

To the OP have you ever considered how couples purposely do extended breast feeding in order to space children? Did you know that for some their intent it to not ovulate and therefore use it as nfp? Well it is proposed that implantation failure can occur during this time IF a women ovulated and conceived. They are not culpable for any “abortifacient” effect from their breast feeding.

I have read about this as well. There is a theory that implantation may not occur with EBF.
The miscarriage rate for 40 yr olds is 24%, 38% for 43 yr olds and 54% !!! for 44 yr olds. A 40 year old woman on the pill is less likely to miscarry that one who is not (IMHO). To claim that a woman on the pill is causing an abortion monthly is really not reasonable.

 

[ahollars]

That is kind of like saying that I am going to rob a bank. I will arm myself with an AK-47 just in case it gets ugly. But my intention is only theft.

It would be one thing if she was ignorant and another thing if the scientific evidence was underwhelming, but neither are true. It even says on the packaging label that it thins the lining of the uterus. But please, let’s not get into this argument. I do concede that it there is only a potential for an abortion and that if my wife had her choice, she would prefer the contraceptive to work by preventing ovulation every time. Please see the quote below from the Congregation of the Doctrine of Faith regarding abortifacients.

Has it occurred to anyone here that the wife can still get pregnant? There’s a reason that contraception has a failure rate. (Wouldn’t that be the sweetest of ironies?) Have either of you even considered that scenario? What would the end result be?

OP, either trust in God to deliver you, or follow through and do what you say you’re going to do. Your wife will continue to do and say whatever to you because you keep caving in. Having said that, you are a married man. You are not supposed to abstain for prolonged periods. This question has been answered several times across these forums. You are not the first person to ask.

She is contracepting. You are not. You are not a willing participant. You need to keep counseling her and praying for her conversion. I’ll take it a step further: Your children should be praying with you for their mother. (You don’t have to tell them why.) God answers the prayers of young children faster (IMHO).

 

[slh3016]

You can purchase ovulation predictor strips in bulk for a reasonable price. Would she be opposed to using those from cycle day 7-21? That way, YOU would reasonably know, in advance, if her body was going to have breakthrough ovulation because of the LH surge. Then, you could plan abstinence during that time period to appease your conscience. If no LH surge occurs, then I think your problem is moot.

Otherwise, quit browbeating her about this point. You’re likely to drive a wedge that will never be repaired.