How to Stop Being a Nice Guy. Thoughts?

[Xantippe]

Well Chevalier seemed concerned that the lady on the bus yelling"get away from me!" would be doing so because she wanted the police to be called and the mans life ruined. ** I argue that the woman would most likely be acting out of panic rather than malice and just want the guy to leave her alone. **

I agree about talking to strangers which is why I don’t do it,** in my experience few people appreciate random people approaching them and trying to start conversations **especially when it means interrupting.

Right. Unless it’s something really obvious, relevant and non-threatening like, “why is this checkout line stalled?” or “what a beautiful day!”

 

[Sarcelle]

I think this is reading waaaay too much into a woman’s response. A simple “No” or “I’m reading now” probably means exactly that.

Given that public transportation is widely considered a place to leave others alone, anyone violating this unwritten norm is already going to be viewed with a bit more suspicion than if the encounter had been somewhere else, and the responses more curt.

That does not simultaneously make them some sort of 87th wave feminist meta-point about the social and moral superiority of women and a verbal castration of the inferior male interloper who had the nerve to disrupt her princessdom with his plans for rape and evil. It just means no.

 

[SuperLuigi]

Thoughts on this?

wikihow.com/Break-the-%22Nice-Guy%22-Stereotype

and

drglover.com/no-more-mr-nice-guy.html

Basically, all you have to do to not be the “nice” guy is not think that pity, sadness are the ways to a woman’s heart. You need to do things were she will respect and confide in you and find you attractive not see you as a sad case that needs some feminine cheer.

The idea that “nice guys finish last” is predicated on this myth that women always choose the bad boys, when in reality, they choose men they are attracted to.

Or for that matter, that simply being a good Catholic will mean that you will automatically mesh with another good Catholic girl without romantic chemistry.

 

[Xantippe]

Basically, all you have to do to not be the “nice” guy is not think that pity, sadness are the ways to a woman’s heart. You need to do things were she will respect and confide in you and find you attractive not see you as a sad case that needs some feminine cheer.

The idea that “nice guys finish last” is predicated on this myth that women always choose the bad boys, when in reality, they choose men they are attracted to.

Or for that matter, that simply being a good Catholic will mean that you will automatically mesh with another good Catholic girl without romantic chemistry.

…or having anything else in common.

 

[CountrySteve]

If you want to attract the right women, start by growing closer to God and practicing the virtues. Work on making yourself the best person you can be, especially joy.

J. esus
O. thers
Y. ou

That’s a silly acronym I try to remember.

 

[DarkLight]

Basically, all you have to do to not be the “nice” guy is not think that pity, sadness are the ways to a woman’s heart. You need to do things were she will respect and confide in you and find you attractive not see you as a sad case that needs some feminine cheer.

The idea that “nice guys finish last” is predicated on this myth that women always choose the bad boys, when in reality, they choose men they are attracted to.

Or for that matter, that simply being a good Catholic will mean that you will automatically mesh with another good Catholic girl without romantic chemistry.

I feel like, from a woman’s perspective, “he’s a nice guy” is what a lot of women say when a guy doesn’t have a whole lot going for him in her mind. Like he’s nice, but he’s not interesting or attractive or anything.

 

[Xantippe]

I feel like, from a woman’s perspective, “he’s a nice guy” is what a lot of women say when a guy doesn’t have a whole lot going for him in her mind. Like he’s nice, but he’s not interesting or attractive or anything.

Right.

There’s an unspoken “but” in there–“he’s a nice guy, but…”

 

[EasterJoy]

Well Chevalier seemed concerned that the lady on the bus yelling"get away from me!" would be doing so because she wanted the police to be called and the mans life ruined. I argue that the woman would most likely be acting out of panic rather than malice and just want the guy to leave her alone.

I agree about talking to strangers which is why I don’t do it, in my experience few people appreciate random people approaching them and trying to start conversations especially when it means interrupting.

How many people have ever been arrested because someone else got hysterical because they tried to start a conversation? Even if a woman were to call the police, the police don’t just go around arresting every guy she points out as someone who scares her. You don’t get arrested, let alone convicted, because you brazenly talked to strangers, even if they turn out to have anxiety disorders and go ballistic because you tried to initiate a conversation.

 

[ConfusedLucy]

How many people have ever been arrested because someone else got hysterical because they tried to start a conversation? Even if a woman were to call the police, the police don’t just go around arresting every guy she points out as someone who scares her. You don’t get arrested, let alone convicted, because you brazenly talked to strangers, even if they turn out to have anxiety disorders and go ballistic because you tried to initiate a conversation.

Of course that would never happen. I was just responding to a previous comment that suggested it as a possibility. I’d be pretty impressed if you could call out help and the police would instantly materialise on a moving bus to be honest.

 

[Sarcelle]

Right.

There’s an unspoken “but” in there–“he’s a nice guy, but…”

It’s like saying that a plain or homely woman has a good personality.

 

[DarkLight]

Right.

There’s an unspoken “but” in there–“he’s a nice guy, but…”

If you think about it, “nice guy” is basically the lowest standard you can meet. It’s kind of like an example in my old textbook of a boss saying of an employee “He’s always on time and dresses neatly.” I mean, sure that’s a good thing, but it’s pretty much saying the individual manages to meet the bare minimum.

I think some guys, both in Catholic and secular circles, get the idea that if they put in enough Good Guy Points, God/the universe/womankind owes them a girlfriend. And some of that’s natural - it’s part of human nature that we feel that if we do right, good things should happen to us. It’s not, as most of us have learned, how the world works (life isn’t fair), but it’s a natural feeling. And there are people who have significant others who really shouldn’t, who are mean and manipulative people and yet somehow have a SO. Heck, I dated one of them when I was young and dumb. It’s stupid and unfair and it’s how the world works.

 

[Sarcelle]

If you think about it, “nice guy” is basically the lowest standard you can meet. It’s kind of like an example in my old textbook of a boss saying of an employee “He’s always on time and dresses neatly.” I mean, sure that’s a good thing, but it’s pretty much saying the individual manages to meet the bare minimum.

I think some guys, both in Catholic and secular circles, get the idea that if they put in enough Good Guy Points, God/the universe/womankind owes them a girlfriend. And some of that’s natural - it’s part of human nature that we feel that if we do right, good things should happen to us. It’s not, as most of us have learned, how the world works (life isn’t fair), but it’s a natural feeling. And there are people who have significant others who really shouldn’t, who are mean and manipulative people and yet somehow have a SO. Heck, I dated one of them when I was young and dumb. It’s stupid and unfair and it’s how the world works.

It’s the same thing with having children. Lots of good people who would have made excellent parents unable to have children and yet there are abusive people who have no problems having children.

 

[Bill_Martin]

If you think about it, “nice guy” is basically the lowest standard you can meet. It’s kind of like an example in my old textbook of a boss saying of an employee “He’s always on time and dresses neatly.” I mean, sure that’s a good thing, but it’s pretty much saying the individual manages to meet the bare minimum.

I think some guys, both in Catholic and secular circles, get the idea that if they put in enough Good Guy Points, God/the universe/womankind owes them a girlfriend. And some of that’s natural - it’s part of human nature that we feel that if we do right, good things should happen to us. It’s not, as most of us have learned, how the world works (life isn’t fair), but it’s a natural feeling. And there are people who have significant others who really shouldn’t, who are mean and manipulative people and yet somehow have a SO. Heck, I dated one of them when I was young and dumb. It’s stupid and unfair and it’s how the world works.

This is absolutely true. In secular circles, I think it can be traced back to a vague sense of morality that lacks any clear objective basis, either because one was not taught or just doesn’t truly believe in it. Doing the right thing because it’s right doesn’t make much sense in such a view, so doing good just becomes a process of dropping some good deeds into the slot machine and hoping that sooner or later you’ll get something out of it.

The Catholic version is the one of God as the Almighty Vending Machine, where we think that because we are “good people” God is obligated to give us what we demand. The people holding this view get upset when the Vending Machine doesn’t give them what they believe they have paid for.

 

[DarkLight]

It’s the same thing with having children. Lots of good people who would have made excellent parents unable to have children and yet there are abusive people who have no problems having children.

I was thinking of jobs myself. I know good hard workers who can’t find a decent job. I know people who are rude and lazy and don’t even do the bare minimum who still have jobs despite all their coworkers hoping they get fired soon. It’s unfair and frustrating, but it’s how it is.

 

[Xantippe]

Of course that would never happen. I was just responding to a previous comment that suggested it as a possibility. I’d be pretty impressed if you could call out help and the police would instantly materialise on a moving bus to be honest.

Yep.

 

[Melissa]

I feel like, from a woman’s perspective, “he’s a nice guy” is what a lot of women say when a guy doesn’t have a whole lot going for him in her mind. Like he’s nice, but he’s not interesting or attractive or anything.

It’s that “damning with faint praise”, I think. I remember when I was in school, we were rather strongly instructed to never use “nice” because it’s so over-used that it doesn’t really mean anything at all.

 

[Rau]

It’s that “damning with faint praise”, I think. I remember when I was in school, we were rather strongly instructed to never use “nice” because it’s so over-used that it doesn’t really mean anything at all.

Some truth in that. I recall similar advice, but particularly directed at describing food as “nice”

 

[ConfusedLucy]

Nice but dull, nice but dim, it’s always a euphemism for something.