How to STOP having pre-marital sex?

[Mercy04]

I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 4 years, and we are quite young (19&20). When we got together, we had little faith and religion was not our priority. A year and a half in we gave into lust and since we have continued to have sex. I never felt anything wrong with doing so until recently I became part of my local parish’s youth ministry and realized I needed to stop. For about seven months, my boyfriend and I have been struggling to abstain from any sexual activity – we attend mass together and pray – but he still see’s nothing wrong with having sex; however, I do and I feel horrible every time a slip up happens. We have talked about going our separate ways but every time we do he claims he is adamant about trying to abstain and I believe that we can fight the temptations together.

I do not know how to stop and fight lust – I feel as if that is the only thing keeping me away from truly letting God into my life and living for him.

At times I feel as if giving our relationship up is the only way – but then I feel as if we WILL be able to live sex-free one day…
I am obviously confused, and hopeless at this point.
ANY advice will help.
Thank you…

 

[pensmama87]

See if you can take a break for a while until you mature a little bit more. Or at the very least, take a break from having alone time together. Spend time in public pursuing mutual interests. Do fun stuff that isn’t sex. Start figuring out if you’re compatible with this person as marriage material. Dial back the physical affection to a level where you aren’t in a constant state of temptation.

If he balks, that’s a bad sign, and IMO that means it’s time to move on because he’s not serious about chastity.

Sex, whether or not it’s before marriage, creates very strong bonds between people. That could be a big part of why you keep falling into temptation (and perhaps why you remain with him even when you begin to think maybe it’s not a good idea.) It’s your brain chemistry latching onto a person even though you haven’t actually committed to each other in marriage.

 

[Inquiringperson]

I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 4 years, and we are quite young (19&20). When we got together, we had little faith and religion was not our priority. A year and a half in we gave into lust and since we have continued to have sex. I never felt anything wrong with doing so until recently I became part of my local parish’s youth ministry and realized I needed to stop. For about seven months, my boyfriend and I have been struggling to abstain from any sexual activity – we attend mass together and pray – but he still see’s nothing wrong with having sex; however, I do and I feel horrible every time a slip up happens. We have talked about going our separate ways but every time we do he claims he is adamant about trying to abstain and I believe that we can fight the temptations together.

I do not know how to stop and fight lust – I feel as if that is the only thing keeping me away from truly letting God into my life and living for him.

At times I feel as if giving our relationship up is the only way – but then I feel as if we WILL be able to live sex-free one day…
I am obviously confused, and hopeless at this point.
ANY advice will help.
Thank you…

Maybe it’s time for your relationship to take a break? That way, you can mature in the virtue of chastity outside a relationship. After that, then you can try to live out the Christian call to chastity within a relationship. Something for you to consider.

Living out the virtue of chastity (or any other virtue for that matter) often means starting small. You build up your strength in virtue by practicing in small matters so that you may be prepared for bigger matters. Take a look at Luke 16:10. From NABRE:

The person who is trustworthy in very small matters is also trustworthy in great ones; and the person who is dishonest in very small matters is also dishonest in great ones

Just as you must work on being trustworthy in small matters so that you may be trustworthy in big matters, so it is with any other virtue, chastity included.

I also recommend prayer. How is your prayer life right now?

 

[TK421]

Your boyfriend knows an easy good time when he sees one. He hasn’t accepted chastity in the way you have, and he’s not going to step back into the uncertainties of the dating world when he still has access to a woman and the carnal delights thereof. As for yourself, you’re in a habitual state of temptation being around him, and since you’ve been having sex for quite some time, you are already chemically addicted to him. This will cause you to give him the benefit of the doubt even when absolutely none is merited. It will distort your judgement and make you his pawn.

I’m not going to tell you to break up with him, because for 1) there’s always the remote possibility he isn’t lying to your face when he says he really does want to abstain (and yet he says he sees nothing morally wrong with premarital sex? How interesting), and 2) I don’t feel comfortable making severe statements like that on an online forum unless it’s really, really obvious that you should break up. Either way, I think a temporary break if nothing else would be handy. This will allow the fog to clear from your mind as well as help clear up whatever psychological mastery he currently has over you (which he does at the moment most definitely have).

Purity is a gift. We don’t gain it. We receive it. You’ve been laboring at abstinence for the past seven months, you have not succeeded, and you’ve experienced first hand how powerful temptation is. You’ve experienced being outmatched. You have to pray for Divine Aid on a daily basis. Mary will ensure that you are given whatever you ask for, if you ask for what is good.

Find me a Catholic saint that did not consider prayer essential to their life. I will give you a free gift certificate to the Olive Garden, along with ten trillion dollars.

 

[Elizium23]

The next time your boyfriend wants to be intimate, start asking him about his plans for your children. If he is ready to sleep with you then he should be ready to bear the responsibilities that entails. Discuss your preferred names if it’s a boy or a girl, changing diapers, waking up at 2am to feed them. His reactions and replies should give you some indication of his intentions. Has he met your parents? What do they think of your activities? How is your father taking it?

 

[chin06]

I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 4 years, and we are quite young (19&20). When we got together, we had little faith and religion was not our priority. A year and a half in we gave into lust and since we have continued to have sex. I never felt anything wrong with doing so until recently I became part of my local parish’s youth ministry and realized I needed to stop. For about seven months, my boyfriend and I have been struggling to abstain from any sexual activity – we attend mass together and pray – but he still see’s nothing wrong with having sex; however, I do and I feel horrible every time a slip up happens. We have talked about going our separate ways but every time we do he claims he is adamant about trying to abstain and I believe that we can fight the temptations together.

I do not know how to stop and fight lust – I feel as if that is the only thing keeping me away from truly letting God into my life and living for him.

At times I feel as if giving our relationship up is the only way – but then I feel as if we WILL be able to live sex-free one day…
I am obviously confused, and hopeless at this point.
ANY advice will help.
Thank you…

I am literally going through the exact same thing you are. My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years as well and are discerning marriage but unfortunately succumbed to the temptation of lust and fornication.
I also felt that we should separate but it’s been difficult because I’m really emotionally unstable and with the amount of stress I have going on, I can’t endure a break up.
I would say, go to confession together. Go to mass or adoration. Talk about abstaining and develop a plan for avoiding any chance to have sex.
I will keep you and your boyfriend in my prayers. God bless.

 

[chasingcars]

Don’t spend time with him alone, always have other people around you so slip-ups won’t happen. You know, if you’re alone with him you’re putting yourself into a near occasion of sin and that’s not good at all.
And you two should seriously think what would happen if you got pregnant.

 

[gardenswithkids]

You have been dating for 4 years and you’re both in your early-mid twenties now. One way to stop pre- marital relations is by marrying. Are you interested in marrying each other? If so, then evaluate why you are waiting; if not, ask yourselves why you are dating.

The urges and desires you feel are not wrong or bad, but you are acting on them outside of the proper context. The proper context is marriage with the act oriented towards creating life. During the past when more of the population stayed chaste until marriage, more people married at younger ages. Twenty-something was not too young for marriage. The incentive to get married is lessened when people engage in marital relations before they are married.

Would you put on an expensive white wedding dress to go on an ordinary date with your boyfriend to McDonald’s or a baseball game? Not likely. Normal people wear the proper clothes for the proper occasion. When dating, the proper clothes should be something that stays on you bodies. If you don’t already wear a scapular, I suggest you start. It would be one more reminder to yourselves that your clothes should stay on when you are together–at least until your wedding night.

 

[slh3016]

The next time your boyfriend wants to be intimate, start asking him about his plans for your children. If he is ready to sleep with you then he should be ready to bear the responsibilities that entails. Discuss your preferred names if it’s a boy or a girl, changing diapers, waking up at 2am to feed them. His reactions and replies should give you some indication of his intentions. Has he met your parents? What do they think of your activities? How is your father taking it?

 

[white_sheep]

Don’t spend time with him alone, always have other people around you so slip-ups won’t happen. You know, if you’re alone with him you’re putting yourself into a near occasion of sin and that’s not good at all.
And you two should seriously think what would happen if you got pregnant.

This is the basic answer, and a good one. Don’t spend time alone together. Dating couples shouldn’t. They should go on dates.

 

[ToeInTheWater]

For about seven months, my boyfriend and I have been struggling to abstain from any sexual activity – we attend mass together and pray – but he still see’s nothing wrong with having sex; however, I do and I feel horrible every time a slip up happens. We have talked about going our separate ways but every time we do he claims he is adamant about trying to abstain and I believe that we can fight the temptations together.

Mercy04, the main problem I see here, is what I bolded from your quote. That your boyfriend “still sees nothing wrong with having sex”. You are unequally yoked in this, you aren’t actually “together” in the fight against sexual temptation. Your boyfriend is at least trying to respect your beliefs which I suppose is better than actively trying to sabotage them, but as long as they are not actually HIS beliefs then he is not as fully committed to remaining chaste.

Unfortunately, as long as this is the case, I don’t see much progress being made to convert this relationship into a chaste one. At this time you are both a near occasion of sin to each other.

Now you may be worried that if you break up with your BF then the next young lady he dates will not be as committed, and he will commit more sexual sin than he is now. But you cannot be responsible for his sins.

 

[Allegra]

I don’t think it’s really good for your relationship if your boyfriend doesn’t understand what is wrong with premarital sex. If you think he would read them, you might offer him some Christopher West or Popcak to read. I read “Holy Sex” before getting married and it helped me clarify my understanding of Church teachings on sexuality.

Anyway, it’s easier to stop having sex. Don’t plan to be alone with him in places where you are going to be likely to have a strong temptation. Instead of going to his place, watch the sunset on a public beach. Instead of going to your place, go out to eat. Hang out with friends. Visit grandma. You get the idea.

 

[chevalier]

Try to find out what leads to ending up having sex and avoid that. It’s often easier to deny yourself at an earlier stage than a later one.

 

[UbiCaritas]

This is the basic answer, and a good one. Don’t spend time alone together. Dating couples shouldn’t. They should go on dates.

Not spending time alone together isn’t always feasible–in fact, I’d go so far as to say that today, it’s all but impossible if you’re going to get to know the other person well.

My now-DH and I, for example, dated long-distance and were engaged long-distance too. When he came to visit me, he’d stay in a hotel, of course, and vice versa, but it’s not reasonable (or considerate) to expect a couple to sit in a restaurant for 12+ hours on, say, a Saturday.

The way we handled it was fairly straightforward: we didn’t touch each other unless we were in public. If we were hanging out at one or the other apartment, we sat on separate chairs or opposite ends of the couch while watching a movie or talking. No sleepovers, period, or seeing the other person undressed at all. However, non-sexual affection is very important even in a married relationship, as well as in a romantic one, so if we were in public, holding hands/hugs/kissing was fine–basically, if we wouldn’t be embarrassed if our pastors and grandparents saw us, it was okay. That way, we could show affection in those important ways without letting it get out of hand.

OP, a rule like this might be very helpful for you, though I also second the comments asking a) if this guy is potential spouse material in the first place, and b) how much you really are on the same page.