How to support husband's career

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Giggly_Giraffe

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I remember reading, Love and Respect for marriage prep. I also remember I saying a mans career is similar to a woman’s baby; that’s the way they are hard wired.

Anyways, my husbands been fighting the reorganization of his "Mission group " since we have been married. Now, it looks like he’s on the loosing battle and will soon be writing a “Jerry McGuire” mission statement. He won’t even say his job is in danger, but I’ve been through the corporate machine, and I’m sorry to say it is. However, I bit my tongue because of that book. His job is “classified” so I am only introduced to his co-workers and left to imagine the rest. I’m not too worried for my immediate family if things go south. I am worried on how to be a loving and supporting wife to a traditional man.

I watch “Cinderella Man” and how he freaks out at his wife’s attempt to get a job. Then there is that Padre Pio movie where he is stern with his own father about making his mother work. How is a good woman to live when there is a change in the families support with this type of man?

Also, I don’t want to sound like jerk in regards to his job. So any pointers of why to say and not to say would help lower my fears. It’s hard because of the mystery around his career. I don’t know how much I should cheer, inquire, or avoid. Thanks
 
I have always approached times of stress in my own career as a way to cut back on expenses in preparation for possible hard times. My ability to budget gets really fabulous and my idea behind it is to be ready for anything.

Can you start doing the same?
 
I think I’ve missed a few of your movie references. 😉

How do you two handle other dissapointments? You can’t really “do” anything about his job, and if he’s not being fired but possibly laid of in a corporate re-org, he’ll likely find another job soon.

If he does get let go, you will obviously be sorry and supportive, but don’t freak out, and don’t automatically start trying to “fix” him. I don’t see why you can’t ask him about how things are going at work. You don’t need to delve into classified details, but you can say “How are things going with the reorg honey? It seem like things are tough at work.”

I would certainly want to be given a head’s up if my husband were likely to be laid off. Financial decisions, plans for projects, etc. can be made more prudently if you both know what’s likely and timelines if at all possible.
 
I totally get the movie reference. In the beginning of Jerry Maguire, Jerry is burnt out on being a sports agent and winding up defending all sorts of indefensible and destructive situations, so he writes this big, idealistic manifesto about how they need to focus on creating higher quality relationships with the athletes they work with. He gets fired, but the rest of the movie is about him following through on his idea of a close, high-quality relationship with his (one) athlete.

Mrs. Sally said:

“I would certainly want to be given a head’s up if my husband were likely to be laid off. Financial decisions, plans for projects, etc. can be made more prudently if you both know what’s likely and timelines if at all possible.”

Yeah. Giggly Giraffe needs to know how much Christmas would be a good idea this year.

Obviously, you shouldn’t ask about the nature of the job itself, but you should have a pretty good idea if there is going to be a job and you should be able to ask if there are any steps you need to be taking right now.

I think it is possible to overdo this hyper-traditional stuff and massaging of male ego, because I think that one of the things we owe our husbands is to bring all of our talents and intelligence to the problem of how to have a safe, happy, secure home. I think “whatever you want, honey” and just hoping for the best is a cop-out. I really like the approach that Dave Ramsey teaches–a monthly budget meeting, strong communication and shared decision-making. Think about the Proverbs 31 woman and how she would deal with the situation.

biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Proverbs+31&version=RSV

Best wishes!
 
My husband has assured us his job is safe for 1-2 years … But after that ???
Thanks for writing out the Jerry movie. It looks even more like my husband … Burnt out, writing a manifesto. It just so hard to empathize, cheer, or offer an ear when work is classfied. I’m talented at being insensative, and have moments of sticking my foot in my mouth (ie: your burnt out, this is probably a good thing and you’ll get a new start). I just want to be more helpful, but don’t know how to be.
 
You made me smile…I have the same ‘talent’.

Like I said, I would let him know that you trust him to take good care of his family but that it is your job to make that as easy for him as possible. You will tighten the purse strings, start saving more and be prepared so he never has to worry that you are not walking beside him every step of the way.

LOTS OF PRAYERS FOR YOU!!!👍
 
Giggly_Giraffe said:
My husband has assured us his job is safe for 1-2 years … But after that ???
Thanks for writing out the Jerry movie. It looks even more like my husband … Burnt out, writing a manifesto. It just so hard to empathize, cheer, or offer an ear when work is classfied. I’m talented at being insensative, and have moments of sticking my foot in my mouth (ie: your burnt out, this is probably a good thing and you’ll get a new start). I just want to be more helpful, but don’t know how to be.
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How about asking him how you can be most helpful? Let him tell you what he needs and you can try to help if you can.

Dancing around it to protect a fragile ego won’t do anyone any good.
 
Giggly_Giraffe said:
My husband has assured us his job is safe for 1-2 years … But after that ???
Thanks for writing out the Jerry movie. It looks even more like my husband … Burnt out, writing a manifesto. It just so hard to empathize, cheer, or offer an ear when work is classfied. I’m talented at being insensative, and have moments of sticking my foot in my mouth (ie: your burnt out, this is probably a good thing and you’ll get a new start). I just want to be more helpful, but don’t know how to be.
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I have dealt with unemployment twice with my husband. Each time was for over a year.

I went back to work the second time, I was already working the first time. We didn’t have children the first time.

The biggest thing I found to be supportive/helpful (and this helps even when he is working) is to* need* him.

Many men feel emasculated when they lose their jobs. Do your best to not let that happen.

Of course you don’t want to over work him, especially when he is still working, but don’t do his guy jobs. Let him be the man around the house.
 
PhiloMed said:
How about asking him how you can be most helpful? Let him tell you what he needs and you can try to help if you can.

Dancing around it to protect a fragile ego won’t do anyone any good.
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Yes this. A lot can happen in a year or two, he may even find a new job on his own in that timeframe.

I’d just up front ask him - honey, I’m sure work stuff is difficult, what can I do to help our family the most right now?

He may not really know, or say just do what you are doing, but he may have some other more specific ideas. Can’t hurt to ask.
 
As the previous poster said, a lot can happen in a year or two.

If you are really worried, make sure that you have an emergency fund set up so that you can pay for expenses when he’s unemployed.

It’s really up to him to network and stay in touch with trends in his industry.

Encourage him to take more training to make him more desirable as an employee.

(I don’t know what his field is, so it’s hard to be specific). “Classified” can cover a lot of different skill sets.

Honestly, it’s not your responsibility to worry about his career. He’s the one who has to do the work to keep his career on track.

Don’t try to micromanage your husband and his career. Support him in his endeavors. Be there to listen if he needs someone to talk to.
 
Giggly_Giraffe said:
My husband has assured us his job is safe for 1-2 years … But after that ???
Thanks for writing out the Jerry movie. It looks even more like my husband … Burnt out, writing a manifesto. It just so hard to empathize, cheer, or offer an ear when work is classfied. I’m talented at being insensative, and have moments of sticking my foot in my mouth (ie: your burnt out, this is probably a good thing and you’ll get a new start). I just want to be more helpful, but don’t know how to be.
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Safe for 1-2 years is really more than most people get. Businesses simply do not know what is in store, nor do individuals. The days when anyone could assume they would always have a job from the present out until they retire are largely gone. If he says his job is safe for 1-2 years, then, that’s something to greet as good news.

Let him know that you are proud of him and have confidence in him. You can tell he’s going through hard times, you know he can get through it and even thrive through it, but you want to know how you can share the load with him. After all, you are staying home not for his career, but because, as I would put it, “What he does is what we do, so his job is our job.”

He may tell you what he really wants is to be able to leave work at work. He may tell you that what he needs is to talk to you, but he can’t. He may tell you he doesn’t know what to tell you. At that point, you can say, “Well, if anything changes, let me know. Don’t be afraid to ask me to look for something paying, don’t be afraid to ask me not to, don’t be afraid to tell me exactly what you think we ought to do and how I can help you. Most of all, let me know when there is something worrying you. If I can trust that you will tell me if there is something to worry about, then I can know when I don’t have anything to worry about. Otherwise, I always wonder, which means I always worry just a little bit. What you do is what we do, remember. You didn’t get married so you could carry life’s loads all alone! You’re supposed to let me be your helpmate; don’t leave me totally in the dark.”
 
EasterJoy said:
Safe for 1-2 years is really more than most people get. Businesses simply do not know what is in store, nor do individuals. The days when anyone could assume they would always have a job from the present out until they retire are largely gone. If he says his job is safe for 1-2 years, then, that’s something to greet as good news.

Let him know that you are proud of him and have confidence in him. You can tell he’s going through hard times, you know he can get through it and even thrive through it, but you want to know how you can share the load with him. After all, you are staying home not for his career, but because, as I would put it, “What he does is what we do, so his job is our job.”

He may tell you what he really wants is to be able to leave work at work. He may tell you that what he needs is to talk to you, but he can’t. He may tell you he doesn’t know what to tell you. At that point, you can say, “Well, if anything changes, let me know. Don’t be afraid to ask me to look for something paying, don’t be afraid to ask me not to, don’t be afraid to tell me exactly what you think we ought to do and how I can help you. Most of all, let me know when there is something worrying you. If I can trust that you will tell me if there is something to worry about, then I can know when I don’t have anything to worry about. Otherwise, I always wonder, which means I always worry just a little bit. What you do is what we do, remember. You didn’t get married so you could carry life’s loads all alone! You’re supposed to let me be your helpmate; don’t leave me totally in the dark.”
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Nice:thumbsup:
 
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