How to survive a mixed relationship?

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Church_Mouse_1

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Okay, so I guess you should know a bit about me before I begin asking silly questions. I am 20 years old, 21 in September. I have five amazing siblings and two wonderful parents. I have been home-schooled in a Catholic program nearly my entire life. I have been “dating” since I was 15, interested in men since I was 12, which was also when my innocence was impaired by a family member who didn’t know any better. I was still a virgin, but it didn’t feel like it. By the time I was 14, I felt incomplete without a relationship which is why I started trying to fill the hole as soon as possible. I went through relationship after relationship of being used, lied to, and disrespected. I lost my virginity some where along the way and figured that I could never be “pure” again. Furthermore, the pain I was enduring from being used so much materialized itself in anxiety, depression and self harm. I held onto my relationships as if they were the savior to this suffering and that it was home-life and everything else that caused it. I never dated someone without being extremely serious with them. My shortest relationship was a 2 month rebound. My faith was routine. Church on Sunday, Confession once a year, religion tests, etc. It wasn’t until the guy who I gave my virginity to left me after nine months did I realize that maybe faith wasn’t such a falsehood. My parents and a priest at my parish (who is now a very dear friend) helped me get through the most difficult years of my life following. I swore off dating until I was healed. That lasted about 3 months, during which time something very interesting happened. I had a friend that I had talked to very often because he was always there to talk to, always had my back so to speak, and never judged me. I could tell him anything I wanted and he would keep it safe. He had left for college and I had not heard from him since the beginning of summer. One day, he caught me online. Turns out he just got this idea in his head to contact me again… for an entire week he went online waiting for me to get on (he had no other way of reaching me at that point) and one day I did (I was supposed to be doing my geometry.) Over the next few weeks I told him what happened with me and my ex and basically everything I’m telling you… about what happened when I was 12, my depression and loss of faith. He kept those secrets safe too. We talked a lot after that, for about those three months that I had waited to heal. Before we knew it, a mutual friend had us holding hands and changing our relationship status. But this relationship would be different. I wouldn’t give my heart away so readily, I wouldn’t give my body away so quickly. I would wait long for that because waiting until marriage for me at that time seemed absolutely impossible. He was in college across the state though, so we hardly saw one another. When we did, we were inseparable. I was starting to go to youth group at my parish that my priest-friend set up. I went to Adoration for the first time. I started reconnecting with my faith. Eric encouraged all that, he was so happy for me that I was finding myself again. Then I got trapped into a chastity talk. Jason Evert probably saved my relationship that night. We both committed to live a chaste lifestyle, and there is no easy way to say that we don’t mess up. Actually, if we don’t “screw up” in two weeks, it’s probably a miracle. We struggle with that, but we get back up, he takes me to Confession when I need it, comes with me to mass when he doesn’t have work, prays with me if I ask, gives me amused smiles when I tell him I’ve prayed for him or prayed for his conversion, gets annoyed when I push him though… but he knows it means a lot to me now. It’s been 2 1/2 years… I now go to daily mass (we haven’t messed up in the chastity part since I’ve started going!) and I actually should get some reconciliation some time next week if I can now that I think about it… I also pray the rosary with a very nice elderly woman in the chapel after mass, I carry my rosary with me everywhere, I make the sign of the cross a million times a day as I keep finding more reasons too… basically, what I’m trying to say is I’m in a MUCH MUCH MUCH better place emotionally and spiritually with the encouragment of new friends at my parish and other parishes, my family, and Eric.

(to be continued)
 
The reason I had to tell you ALLLL of that, is because I’ve been struggling with something since I started getting closer to my religion. Eric, though my best friend… someone I can call the love of my life with confidence, is obviously not Catholic. He was Lutheran when his mom had control of that part of his life… but that’s just it. His mom had control of it… he had enough after awhile. He doesn’t know what he is, or where he is in his spirituality. He is accepting. He is encouraging and supportive. I have confidence that if we were to marry and have children, he would be the same to them in their spiritual lives… I have no doubts that he would still attend mass with me or take me to confession if I needed him to, or pray with me. This is something we’ve talked about, that we both know that would happen if we are to get married… that my faith comes first in my life and my children’s lives. I can’t shake this feeling though… that he will never convert, or that we shouldn’t pursue this serious relationship because he is not Catholic too. I am a great believer in providence, so when I hear the gospel say things such as it did yesterday: “Do not throw your pearls to swine” and then one of my chaticist friends right after gives me advice on how things that men do while you’re dating them don’t go away in marriage… well, I feel like I’m getting a message here, but I almost feel like it’s a challenge. I’ve actually come to believe that being with him means sacrificing a relationship with a Catholic so I could draw him closer to God through my love for Him. I don’t know though, I can’t know for sure if he ever will convert… and honestly I’m heavily doubting it. As Christian as he acts. he is not. I just need some advice. If you tell me to stay or go, I will consider it, but it is up to me what I do. I was just wondering if any of you have gone through a similar experience, and maybe… is it worth it?
 
I was raised Lutheran. The joke was that we were “Catholic Lite” or “Catholic with half the guilt”. In my teens and into my early 30’s I went through periods of paganism and then atheism. I married a Catholic who has also gone through periods of paganism and atheism.

More than 20 years after leaving Christianity, we are both attending Mass regularly and I am in the process of converting. Friends and family who have known me all my life or for more than a decade were shocked, No one ever thought I would be where I am now. Including me. And if you asked me a year ago if my husband would ever return to the Church I would have laughed and said “Anything is possible, but I very much doubt it,”

Finding a good mate is not easy. If you have found your mate and if you both respect each other’s religious beliefs then I see no reason not to proceed. And who knows? He may convert someday. Anything is possible.
 
As you are experiencing – all else being equal – mixed relationships/marriages are more difficult. Our faith is (or at least ought to be) instrumental to our world view. When we don’t share that with out significant other, then that’s just one more hurdle we have to overcome.

I know there are plenty of stories out there of husbands and wives who’ve made mixed marriages work. Stories of those where the non-Catholic party was eventually won over and became Catholic. I’ve seen those stories many times here on CAF. Of course, you’re a lot more likely to hear those success stories here than the stories where the Catholic party is “won over” by the non-Catholic party. :o

I would never tell a person they absolutely shouldn’t do it. I’m not inclined to give such uniform dating advice to people over the internet. But you do need to go in with both eyes open. It is absolutely true that the problems you have while dating will not magically disappear once you are married. If anything, they become more pronounced.

What most jumped out at me from your post, though, was this part:

…but I almost feel like it’s a challenge. I’ve actually come to believe that being with him means sacrificing a relationship with a Catholic so I could draw him closer to God through my love for Him.

You are not – nor can you be – his savior. I’m probably overly sensitive to this point because I have seen far too many girls waste far too much time trying to change guys that didn’t want to change (even if theey would say otherwise just to temporarily placate the girl) – all because they were utterly convinced that it was up to them and them alone to save the guy from himself. That only ends badly. Maybe I’m reading more into what you’re saying here than you meant (which is entirely possible and I hope that is the case). But it’s something I would advise anyone to look out for. If you cannot accept the person as they are right now, you should not entertain thoughts of marriage. A marriage cannot be predicated on the hope that eventually you’ll wear him down and he’ll come around.

I would also recommend discussing this with your priest. He’d be in a better position than I am to give you useful advice.
 
I’m in a mixed marriage. 7 years now. While I love my husband a ton, and he loves me a ton, it is very VERY difficult to have different faiths. Like you I had a lot of issues that made me, in a sense,“settle” for the first man who loved and cared about me. I was Catholic, he was Evangelical, we got the dispensation to marry, got married in the Catholic Church by a priest, agreed on using ONLY NFP for spacing children’s births, etc. It mattered some then, but I thought all dreamy-eyed that it doesn’t really matter, “Love will get us through.” But, deep down, as the years go on, It really DOES make a difference, especially if you are serious about your Catholic faith. There are so many aspects of my life that I long to share with someone I love, but I can’t because he refuses. We have also had a lot of difficulties in our marriage that didn’t come because of our faith differences, which made things extra difficult. We’ve dealt with 7 years (and counting) of infertility, mental illness, physical illness, moving far away from our family and friends and everything we ever knew, extreme financial distress and a heap of other things. It is doubly difficult to be of different faiths when difficult situations of life surface. Please take some time to step back from the situation and reconsider. I say this from the bottom of my heart. I will pray for you. I am so sorry for all of your struggles. I have also been in your shoes many times. :console:

EDIT TO ADD: I noticed that he takes you to mass, confession, etc. Mine did too. But this year (7years later) he put his foot down and decided we’d attend our own churches. He to his, me to mine. People and promises change, no matter how sure of them you are at the time. Thinking “what could be the worst case scenario in this relationship” is a good thing to consider. Take some time, step back, separate yourself from him for several months at least and take some time to think. Please!
 
MJJean said:
I was raised Lutheran. The joke was that we were “Catholic Lite” or “Catholic with half the guilt”. In my teens and into my early 30’s I went through periods of paganism and then atheism. I married a Catholic who has also gone through periods of paganism and atheism.

More than 20 years after leaving Christianity, we are both attending Mass regularly and I am in the process of converting. Friends and family who have known me all my life or for more than a decade were shocked, No one ever thought I would be where I am now. Including me. And if you asked me a year ago if my husband would ever return to the Church I would have laughed and said “Anything is possible, but I very much doubt it,”

Finding a good mate is not easy. If you have found your mate and if you both respect each other’s religious beliefs then I see no reason not to proceed. And who knows? He may convert someday. Anything is possible.
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🙂 Your story is very inspiring, thank you for sharing, it has lightened my burden very much. I have heard that advice before, that finding someone to spend the rest of your life with is hard to find on any level, and that if he/she is good to you and treats you well then there should be no reason not to plan out a future. I’ve noticed that it’s “dangerous” when someone starts to insult something you do or believe in out of the context of yourself, so that he/she isn’t insulting YOU, just what “you know, those reeeeeally crazy religious people do” but really, it’s you. He doesn’t do that though… which I am grateful for. I always think “He would make such a good Christian” and that God would be very happy if he were.
Joe_5859 said:
What most jumped out at me from your post, though, was this part:

…but I almost feel like it’s a challenge. I’ve actually come to believe that being with him means sacrificing a relationship with a Catholic so I could draw him closer to God through my love for Him.

You are not – nor can you be – his savior. I’m probably overly sensitive to this point because I have seen far too many girls waste far too much time trying to change guys that didn’t want to change (even if theey would say otherwise just to temporarily placate the girl) – all because they were utterly convinced that it was up to them and them alone to save the guy from himself. That only ends badly. Maybe I’m reading more into what you’re saying here than you meant (which is entirely possible and I hope that is the case). But it’s something I would advise anyone to look out for. If you cannot accept the person as they are right now, you should not entertain thoughts of marriage. A marriage cannot be predicated on the hope that eventually you’ll wear him down and he’ll come around.

I would also recommend discussing this with your priest. He’d be in a better position than I am to give you useful advice.
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Oh my, yes, the way I worded that would make it look like that. What had meant actually, was that I would be an influence at best… I know that I can not be the only person to help him in this kind of situation, etc… but I guess all I can do is love my faith and be a witness to it.

I also just emailed my priest-friend about the whole situation, thank you 🙂
Convert_in_99 said:
I’m in a mixed marriage. 7 years now. While I love my husband a ton, and he loves me a ton, it is very VERY difficult to have different faiths. Like you I had a lot of issues that made me, in a sense,“settle” for the first man who loved and cared about me. I was Catholic, he was Evangelical, we got the dispensation to marry, got married in the Catholic Church by a priest, agreed on using ONLY NFP for spacing children’s births, etc. It mattered some then, but I thought all dreamy-eyed that it doesn’t really matter, “Love will get us through.” But, deep down, as the years go on, It really DOES make a difference, especially if you are serious about your Catholic faith. There are so many aspects of my life that I long to share with someone I love, but I can’t because he refuses. We have also had a lot of difficulties in our marriage that didn’t come because of our faith differences, which made things extra difficult. We’ve dealt with 7 years (and counting) of infertility, mental illness, physical illness, moving far away from our family and friends and everything we ever knew, extreme financial distress and a heap of other things. It is doubly difficult to be of different faiths when difficult situations of life surface. Please take some time to step back from the situation and reconsider. I say this from the bottom of my heart. I will pray for you. I am so sorry for all of your struggles. I have also been in your shoes many times. :console:

EDIT TO ADD: I noticed that he takes you to mass, confession, etc. Mine did too. But this year (7years later) he put his foot down and decided we’d attend our own churches. He to his, me to mine. People and promises change, no matter how sure of them you are at the time. Thinking “what could be the worst case scenario in this relationship” is a good thing to consider. Take some time, step back, separate yourself from him for several months at least and take some time to think. Please!
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Thank you for sharing your story! I will be praying for you that your marriage will mend. Thank you also for your advice. I will be leaving for school in September in a different state for the first time. I will be away from him for awhile… which I know will give me time to think. I try my best to take a step back… he is so genuine though, and very sensitive. He knows how much it all means to me, I just worry it will fade like you have experienced.
 
Church_Mouse said:
Oh my, yes, the way I worded that would make it look like that. What had meant actually, was that I would be an influence at best… I know that I can not be the only person to help him in this kind of situation, etc… but I guess all I can do is love my faith and be a witness to it.

I also just emailed my priest-friend about the whole situation, thank you 🙂
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Glad to hear it. 🙂
 
“Missionary dating” is not a good idea. More often than not, they will not change their ways. They may even come to resent you for trying to change who they are. Every so often you will hear of a story where the other person converted, but these are the exception, not the rule. This is part of the reason why a dispensation is necessary to marry a non-Catholic. Marrying a non-Catholic requires extra prayer and discernment.

Some things to consider:
  1. Will your children be raised Catholic? If your faith is important to you (it seems to be) then you need to be sure your children will be raised Catholic. Also, in order to get the marriage approved you have to promise to do everything you can to raise your children in the faith.
  2. Whose church will you attend? Will he stay home while you take the kids? You need to provide a united front. Kids will get confused as to why Mommy goes to a Catholic church while Daddy goes to a Lutheran church or stays home. The kids will think it doesn’t matter which church you go to, or that church simply isn’t important, which contributes to so many people leaving the faith as teens and young adults.
  3. The purpose of marriage is to help lead your spouse to heaven. How will this work if you have different faiths? Or if he has no faith at all? How will you help each other grow spiritually closer to God?
  4. The father is traditionally the spiritual leader of the family. Even by modern standards he would be spiritual co-leader. How will this come into play?
It may work, it may not. I would talk to a priest who knows you and your situation. Giving anonymous advice over the Internet can only help to a certain extent.

Also, for future reference, it would help if you broke your posts into paragraphs. Having everything all together in one paragraph makes it harder to read than it needs to be. 👍
 
stephe1987 said:
“Missionary dating” is not a good idea. More often than not, they will not change their ways. They may even come to resent you for trying to change who they are. Every so often you will hear of a story where the other person converted, but these are the exception, not the rule. This is part of the reason why a dispensation is necessary to marry a non-Catholic. Marrying a non-Catholic requires extra prayer and discernment.

Some things to consider:
  1. Will your children be raised Catholic? If your faith is important to you (it seems to be) then you need to be sure your children will be raised Catholic. Also, in order to get the marriage approved you have to promise to do everything you can to raise your children in the faith.
  2. Whose church will you attend? Will he stay home while you take the kids? You need to provide a united front. Kids will get confused as to why Mommy goes to a Catholic church while Daddy goes to a Lutheran church or stays home. The kids will think it doesn’t matter which church you go to, or that church simply isn’t important, which contributes to so many people leaving the faith as teens and young adults.
  3. The purpose of marriage is to help lead your spouse to heaven. How will this work if you have different faiths? Or if he has no faith at all? How will you help each other grow spiritually closer to God?
  4. The father is traditionally the spiritual leader of the family. Even by modern standards he would be spiritual co-leader. How will this come into play?
It may work, it may not. I would talk to a priest who knows you and your situation. Giving anonymous advice over the Internet can only help to a certain extent.

Also, for future reference, it would help if you broke your posts into paragraphs. Having everything all together in one paragraph makes it harder to read than it needs to be. 👍
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I definitely agree with everything you have said! And yes, in the future I will separate my paragraphs. Usually I do, but today was an off day, so it became a blob of text.

Anyways, as of right now he is not part of the Lutheran faith… his mom wanted him to be, but he felt pushed into it. I have learned from that not to push. He moves a little more towards God since we have started dating, and he has never moved away from Him since… and I can only say that he has brought me toward God. I can also say he’s aware and maybe even a little proud of that fact because it makes him very happy to see me as happy as I am with my religion.

We have often talked about what would happen if we have a handful of children with a million questions. He, as of now, has promised to still attend mass with me weekly and encourage the faith of our hypothetical children, as well as to raise them in that faith. We agreed a long time ago on the importance of faith in a child’s life. We also agreed to always answer questions, and to never throw a bible at a child that is curious but to try and explain why we believe what we do. He has even said he would if something happened to me, that he would make sure they lived a Catholic life.

But obviously I worry that these are promises made by a young man in love. I know he is not closed to the idea of living the Catholic faith, but I know he is disinterested. I have asked him many times before about what it is that keeps him from God, which is usually that he couldn’t “feel” what he believed everyone else did. It’s hard growing up in a world where you have to touch something to know that it’s there and where people claim to really feel something that you have to have only faith in. Furthermore, his dad is a non-practicing Catholic and does not go to service with his wife, and didn’t very often when my boyfriend was a child. She doesn’t go very often as it is either… it’s more of a social event than anything else. So all of this adds to why he isn’t interested in religion. He likes my church though, and he does like a lot of what Catholicism teaches, better than Lutheranism taught him anyway.

I am hoping that if we do decide to marry and that he remains as he is with this, then he will continue to bring me closer to God through his encouragement, and through that I can only be a witness… he did say once he’d give me a death-bed conversion. He was half joking, but I think the other half was rather serious.
 
If you don’t want to lose your soul you must exchange your interest. You should start by paying the full rosary (15 decades = joyful, sorrowful and glorious mysteries) and reading spiritual lecture such as the preparation for death by St Alphonsus. You also have to recognize that without the true faith nobody can please God. The best English site for learning and strenghten the catholic faith that I know is www.mhfm1.com (youtube channel: youtube.com/mhfm1)
 
Church_Mouse said:
I definitely agree with everything you have said! And yes, in the future I will separate my paragraphs. Usually I do, but today was an off day, so it became a blob of text.

Anyways, as of right now he is not part of the Lutheran faith… his mom wanted him to be, but he felt pushed into it. I have learned from that not to push. He moves a little more towards God since we have started dating, and he has never moved away from Him since… and I can only say that he has brought me toward God. I can also say he’s aware and maybe even a little proud of that fact because it makes him very happy to see me as happy as I am with my religion.

We have often talked about what would happen if we have a handful of children with a million questions. He, as of now, has promised to still attend mass with me weekly and encourage the faith of our hypothetical children, as well as to raise them in that faith. We agreed a long time ago on the importance of faith in a child’s life. We also agreed to always answer questions, and to never throw a bible at a child that is curious but to try and explain why we believe what we do. He has even said he would if something happened to me, that he would make sure they lived a Catholic life.

But obviously I worry that these are promises made by a young man in love. I know he is not closed to the idea of living the Catholic faith, but I know he is disinterested. I have asked him many times before about what it is that keeps him from God, which is usually that he couldn’t “feel” what he believed everyone else did. It’s hard growing up in a world where you have to touch something to know that it’s there and where people claim to really feel something that you have to have only faith in. Furthermore, his dad is a non-practicing Catholic and does not go to service with his wife, and didn’t very often when my boyfriend was a child. She doesn’t go very often as it is either… it’s more of a social event than anything else. So all of this adds to why he isn’t interested in religion. He likes my church though, and he does like a lot of what Catholicism teaches, better than Lutheranism taught him anyway.

I am hoping that if we do decide to marry and that he remains as he is with this, then he will continue to bring me closer to God through his encouragement, and through that I can only be a witness… he did say once he’d give me a death-bed conversion. He was half joking, but I think the other half was rather serious.
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I ask you to seriously consider if you want to have to be in a spiritual leadership position in your home. That is what you will choose when you marry someone of another faith, who “allows” you to raise the children as Catholics. The husband and father cannot stand in that holy position of leading his children toward Christ, if HE isn’t in right relationship with Christ. So the wife and mother is left to carry on the best she can, but the children are parenting spiritually by a single parent. And you will not be able to share any of your struggles, joys, challenges, fears or triumphs, spiritually, with your husband. Will he pray with you and for you? Will he help teach the children how to pray? Can he model for your children, what a holy Catholic father should be? They will not see him going to confession nor taking communion. Maybe he won’t even attend Mass, which is very destructive to your attempted development of their faith.

Just think about these things, please. Don’t take anything as a challenge, this is YOUR life, not some kind of little reality TV show. You won’t end up proving anything to anyone, most especially not God.
 
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