How to talk more than "small talk" with my parents?

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nodito said:
Another good, and interesting conversation topic:

“Mom/Dad, tell me about your childhood.”

They can’t give just a one-word answer and you can probe them if they give vague answers:

“Oh, really?”
“What did you play?”
“What was school like for you?”
“How was it different from when I was going to school?”
“Who was your favorite teacher?”
“What was the hardest job you ever did?”
“What did you like best about raising kids”
“Tell me about my grandparents.”
“Did you know your grandparents?”

Collect stories and you’ll be glad you did, especially if you some day have kids and they ask you about your parents.
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Thanks for your help.
I will try that.
 
ConfusedLucy said:
I think small talk is all some people can do, are your parents better talkers with their friends?
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They seem to talk easily and comfortably with their friends which is partly why it upsets me.
Their friends,being of the same background are quite warm,outgoing,can easily relax and confident-even boisterous in some cases and I’m probably too boring and not as confident hence why they are only this way with me.
 
Irishmom2 said:
OP, you never really answered this…😊
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I’m not sure…maybe to a degree.
I see them approximately once a week,sometimes even less.
I would like it to be a lot more but as I can’t drive and they can’t drive far due to their advancing age it’s not very practical but I wish there was a way…
 
Elena321 said:
I’m not sure…maybe to a degree.
I see them approximately once a week,sometimes even less.
I would like it to be a lot more but as I can’t drive and they can’t drive far due to their advancing age it’s not very practical but I wish there was a way…
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Well, I actually meant do you talk about what you are doing, like I went to the movies the other day, I had lunch with my friend Sally, I did a clean sweep of all my closets and got rid of extra shoes. That kind of thing.
 
There’s nothing wrong with “small talk”. As a parent, I just want to know what’s going on in my child’s life because it makes me feel like I’m still a part of her life especially now that she is away at college. Anything is better than nothing.

With my own mother, who is 86, I have to admit sometimes it’s hard. Because of her advancing age and increasing signs of aging, she asks the same question repeatedly, she also loses interest in conversations (or at least seems to). When I visit with her, I try to keep her updated on what her granddaughter is up to and just give her latest and greatest bits of information so that she knows what’s going on in my life. Sometimes all we talk about are the shows on HGTV which we both like, other times we talk about books we are reading. Even talking about the weather can lead to conversations about not going outside to get her mail when there has been an ice storm, let one of her neighbors bring it to her…etc.

Keeping the lines of communication open is important, not just for parents of teens, IMHO.
 
Elena321 said:
Thanks a lot for your help.
Asking her a question like that might help.

I don’t try to remake their decisions or politics etc and I’m the sort of person that can accept all people’s (parents and everyone else’s)views even if I hold different ones and never argue about politics etc because no politic could ever be so important to come between relationships.
That said,my mum is not interested in politics,or things happening in the world,or science or current affairs etc.
She likes more stuff like beautifying,clothes,cooking etc.
I like the first two but don’t care for cooking/food.
I will try the suggestions you made about being interested in what she had for dinner-I just hope it won’t sound forced!
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I had the same problem with my parents, even though my mom and I are both chatterboxes. My dad was mostly comfortable talking about his line of work with my brothers. My mom liked talking about her interests, and she didn’t know what to even ask about mine. I suppose our most interesting conversations to me were about stories about their parents, things that happened before I was born. They had lots to tell me that I didn’t know, and although sometimes took a bit to get them going, it was lots of fun once they warmed to the subject.

That’s something more likely to happen in person, though. On the phone, the topics were mostly day-to-day things that we’d been doing and gossip/news about our relatives and neighbors that I knew. That’s also what my mom talked about when she talked on the phone with her sisters, so I think that was her comfort zone.

Those are just ideas, asking about her cooking. If you feel it would be forced, then look for something else. It sounds as if you might be more comfortable talking about things you both have in common: maybe asking her opinion about shopping trips or clothing you’re contemplating getting or whatever. If you’re thinking of going somewhere she’s been, ask her for ideas or stories. Stuff like that.
 
How often do you phone them? Do you just not have much to say? I find on a normal working week you often simply don’t have a lot of newsworthy news. Seeing them almost once a week is pretty good to be fair, are you any better face to face?
 
JanetF said:
There’s nothing wrong with “small talk”. As a parent, I just want to know what’s going on in my child’s life because it makes me feel like I’m still a part of her life especially now that she is away at college. Anything is better than nothing.

With my own mother, who is 86, I have to admit sometimes it’s hard. Because of her advancing age and increasing signs of aging, she asks the same question repeatedly, she also loses interest in conversations (or at least seems to). When I visit with her, I try to keep her updated on what her granddaughter is up to and just give her latest and greatest bits of information so that she knows what’s going on in my life. Sometimes all we talk about are the shows on HGTV which we both like, other times we talk about books we are reading. Even talking about the weather can lead to conversations about not going outside to get her mail when there has been an ice storm, let one of her neighbors bring it to her…etc.

Keeping the lines of communication open is important, not just for parents of teens, IMHO.
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With your mother,do you feel she seems to lose interest in conversations because of her age/mind or rather because she is bored with them?
I have the similar problem where I will start to talk to my mum about something I have done for example,and then she will just lose complete interest and I take it personally.
 
ConfusedLucy said:
How often do you phone them? Do you just not have much to say? I find on a normal working week you often simply don’t have a lot of newsworthy news. Seeing them almost once a week is pretty good to be fair, are you any better face to face?
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I actually think even worse face to face because then they can sense and visually see my nervousness and I can sense/see their discomfort and it makes its worse.
Maybe I’m boring and need to have more news:(
 
I also don’t know how to shake off the feeling of not being good enough for them.
For example we (adult daughters) went over there and as we were talking my mum out of nowhere interrupts and says to my father “remember there was a tennis match you wanted to watch” and then they proceeded to watch the tennis and pretty much not talk to/ignore me.

I know there’s a lot of people who like sport this way but to me its rude to act this way when there are guests over and make them feel unwelcome and it’s not what I would do.
If I have guests,I want to socialise with them,not focus on the tv sport (unless they wanted to watch it).

I tried to drop some very loud hints about it but it went over ther heads.

I’m very aware that this sounds minor/petty and very insignificant in the grand scheme of things but at the same time,it is an issue because it makes me feel not good enough,inadequate,boring,second rate etc…

Maybe I’m mis -perceiving it as my sister doesn’t care but at the same time I need a way that I can not feel/respond so affected:(
 
I wonder if you are having too much contact to be honest. It doesn’t sound like you have much to say to each other. If you left it two weeks then you might accumulate more things to catch up over than one week.
 
ConfusedLucy said:
I wonder if you are having too much contact to be honest. It doesn’t sound like you have much to say to each other. If you left it two weeks then you might accumulate more things to catch up over than one week.
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Yeah.

I don’t have much in common with my parents. I love them, but they are not very, hm, socially adept and they have different priorities in life than I do. I call my mother every two weeks and chat for generally half an hour. It is frequently not easy and my mother does not easily volunteer topics of discussion. Occasionally I’ll write down a list of topics or funny stories that happen to me so I have something to discuss with her. It’s mostly things my kids have said, stuff about fixing up our house, church activities. I ask her how she is and how my dad is, and her answer is usually not much more than “fine, nothing new.” 🤷

It is what it is. I think it’s worth it to get past needing a stamp of approval from them. I’ve accepted that they just were not and are not capable of functioning at a social level that would be “optimal” for parents of an adult child. It stinks, but I can’t do anything about that. So I accept it as is.
 
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