How to talk to my husband about money?

[Perlita]

We have been married for almosr 40 years, and from some time now I know that my husband (I love him very much) controls me with money. He is a good husband but his motto is “to the woman nor all the love nor all the money” I tried to adjust to that for all this years, but I am tired. Only he knows how much he has, I don’t work, but I work in the house (we have 4 children) when we were younger he opened a store and I was in charge of it. I have tried to be as frugal as possible, I joke about having a poverty voto, but now I am tired. I went for psycological help and discovered what I already knew, that he controls me not giving me money, I have to ask por money for everything, and believe me I am tired. Yesterday when my husband ask me for the money from one of our renters (I collect 2 rents for him), and I told him that I needed that money for me, he got angry, telling me that I was blackmailing him and that for my own good I should give him the money, I did not and I know he can’t believe I am doing this. I tried to compromise “give me half” an he said no. My son is going to therapy and my husband is refusing to pay anymore for it, I think is what triggered my reaction, but I know I am right. This is to long, but I gave him my mother’s inheritance to buy the place that we rent now. Just in another ocassion I remember him about it and he told me “I’ll pay you”. This time when I told him I gave you all I have, he said to me “you knew for what was it for”
I talked to him very calmed, I had a letter for him but I did not gave it to him. He always gives me money, but I am tired to ask “I need shoes, or something else. Most of the time when I tried to talk to him abour money I end up crying…not this time…I am almost certain that I am right. I’ been praying to the Holy Spirit to help me say it without hurting him and I did it.
He left for work this morning asking for the money, I said " I give you half”, his answers was
" you live with the consequences"
Please pray for me

 

[EasterJoy]

This is a marriage problem, not a “how to talk about money” problem. Talk to your pastor first, but I suspect you will need professional help in order to help your husband to a change of heart.

You are married. There is no “his money” and “my money,” except as* both *of the two of you agree. Otherwise, after 40 years, it is all “our money.” (In most jurisdictions, that is the law–if you go out and get credit and just spend the money, it will also be on his credit rating if the bill is not paid.)

Still, this sounds not so much like it is about money as it is about his inappropriate sense of self-serving autonomy and (let us be frank) what sounds like plain old-fashioned greed. I say “sounds like,” though, because you’re not going to know unless you get some help talking to him. Some people are like this not so much out of wanting to be wealthy but out of the fear that if they give up control of their money, they’ll be poor. Some men carry a lot of fear around with regards to their ability to provide for their families and their ability to succeed on their own in business. On that account, I think you’ll probably need some help in talking to him about this. Still, he seems to be trying to give the impression that this is about him throwing his weight around in order to get all control of your joint funds to himself. That’s greed–desire for wealth, for the power over others that wealth brings with it, and for the state where allow no one to has power over you, because you control the purse-strings and will not give them leverage over you.

Getting professional help, however, usually costs money. If this goes well, some consultation with your pastor, some patience on your part, and assurance that you are not going to go through your joint funds carelessly will help you convince your husband to give you access to your joint funds. There is no way this can go bad, however, that does not cost money, and the law is on your side. If he starts talking about “consequences,” that is the truth of the matter. If he runs your marriage into the ditch, you both will pay in every way, all the way from your hearts to your wallets.

In your position, I’d talk to my pastor, particularly if he knows your husband in person.

 

[Perlita]

This is a marriage problem, not a “how to talk about money” problem. Talk to your pastor first, but I suspect you will need professional help in order to help your husband to a change of heart.

You are married. There is no “his money” and “my money,” except as* both *of the two of you agree. Otherwise, after 40 years, it is all “our money.” (In most jurisdictions, that is the law–if you go out and get credit and just spend the money, it will also be on his credit rating if the bill is not paid.)

Still, this sounds not so much like it is about money as it is about his inappropriate sense of self-serving autonomy and (let us be frank) what sounds like plain old-fashioned greed. I say “sounds like,” though, because you’re not going to know unless you get some help talking to him. Some people are like this not so much out of wanting to be wealthy but out of the fear that if they give up control of their money, they’ll be poor. Some men carry a lot of fear around with regards to their ability to provide for their families and their ability to succeed on their own in business. On that account, I think you’ll probably need some help in talking to him about this. Still, he seems to be trying to give the impression that this is about him throwing his weight around in order to get all control of your joint funds to himself. That’s greed–desire for wealth, for the power over others that wealth brings with it, and for the state where allow no one to has power over you, because you control the purse-strings and will not give them leverage over you.

Getting professional help, however, usually costs money. If this goes well, some consultation with your pastor, some patience on your part, and assurance that you are not going to go through your joint funds carelessly will help you convince your husband to give you access to your joint funds. There is no way this can go bad, however, that does not cost money, and the law is on your side. If he starts talking about “consequences,” that is the truth of the matter. If he runs your marriage into the ditch, you both will pay in every way, all the way from your hearts to your wallets.

In your position, I’d talk to my pastor, particularly if he knows your husband in person.

 

[Perlita]

Thank you for your answer. I can talk with our priest, but I doubt my husband will.
I don’t like talking about him. I go to mass every day, we go together on sundays, but he is no close to our priest. He provides for me, but I have to almost beg for what I need.
I hope the good heart of my husband prevails and we can work this out. Please pray for us.

 

[whatsmyname]

I love Easterjoy’s advice. This is a marriage issue, not a money issue. But money is probably the biggest marriage issue there is and it is an extremely sensitive issue.

Is it possible your husband would be willing to sit down and talk with you? In addition to trying to control you, he may be scared that you will judge him or that you will find out he isn’t as capable with the finances as he wants you to think. Ask him to schedule a financial meeting with you (perhaps ask formally by emailing him to set a specific time). Let him know you would like to have more information about your finances and you think it would be beneficial for your marriage for you both to be on the same page.

Your responsibility is to come to the meeting in as calm a frame of mind as you can. Do not allow yourself to get upset. Do not allow yourself to cry or yell. Do not react to any accusations he may make or to any name calling. Do not nag or whine or be accusative(not saying you ever do that, but don’t start now). Approach this as calmly and professionally as you possibly can.

You should both have access to your checking and savings accounts. It is your joint money, not his or yours. You should together make a written budget so you know how much money is coming in and how much is going out. You should both have (name removed by moderator)ut into this budget - if you’ve been taking care of household items, you’re the expert on how much you need for groceries, clothing, etc. You should both have an equal amount of free spending money budgeted into the month that is yours to do with as you please.

Dave Ramsey suggests 5 questions for a first-time budget meeting.

1. What is our monthly income?
2. How much a month do we spend on food, gas, or clothing?
3. Do we have money invested or saved anywhere?
4. Where are the wills and insurance policies?
5. What is in our retirement plans?

He also suggests “making a correction sandwich” by first praising your husband, then directly reprimanding only the behavior you are concerned about, then reaffirming your husband and your relationship with him.

 

[EasterJoy]

Thank you for your answer. I can talk with our priest, but I doubt my husband will.
I don’t like talking about him. I go to mass every day, we go together on sundays, but he is no close to our priest. He provides for me, but I have to almost beg for what I need.
I hope the good heart of my husband prevails and we can work this out. Please pray for us.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to be reserved about talking about problems in your home or what you see as faults in your spouse. That is a sign of loyalty, not a bad thing. Arrange to talk to your pastor in private about this–make an appointment to see him. That way, you can talk about this in complete confidentiality with someone you know can keep a secret. You do need to talk to someone, though, and it is no disloyalty to get that help.

If you cannot get the discussion going with your pastor’s help to guide you, you may need a Marriage Encounter or a Retrouvaille weekend. Those are relatively economical ways to get these things out in the open between spouses; your pastor can explain how they work and whether they are available in your area. Your husband may resist, but if he sees that the alternative to discussing this together is for you to start seeing a marriage counsellor on your own and sending him the bill, he may come around.

 

[Xantippe]

I love Easterjoy’s advice. This is a marriage issue, not a money issue. But money is probably the biggest marriage issue there is and it is an extremely sensitive issue.

Is it possible your husband would be willing to sit down and talk with you? In addition to trying to control you, he may be scared that you will judge him or that you will find out he isn’t as capable with the finances as he wants you to think. Ask him to schedule a financial meeting with you (perhaps ask formally by emailing him to set a specific time). Let him know you would like to have more information about your finances and you think it would be beneficial for your marriage for you both to be on the same page.

Your responsibility is to come to the meeting in as calm a frame of mind as you can. Do not allow yourself to get upset. Do not allow yourself to cry or yell. Do not react to any accusations he may make or to any name calling. Do not nag or whine or be accusative(not saying you ever do that, but don’t start now). Approach this as calmly and professionally as you possibly can.

You should both have access to your checking and savings accounts. It is your joint money, not his or yours. You should together make a written budget so you know how much money is coming in and how much is going out. You should both have (name removed by moderator)ut into this budget - if you’ve been taking care of household items, you’re the expert on how much you need for groceries, clothing, etc. You should both have an equal amount of free spending money budgeted into the month that is yours to do with as you please.

Dave Ramsey suggests 5 questions for a first-time budget meeting.

1. What is our monthly income?
2. How much a month do we spend on food, gas, or clothing?
3. Do we have money invested or saved anywhere?
4. Where are the wills and insurance policies?
5. What is in our retirement plans?

He also suggests “making a correction sandwich” by first praising your husband, then directly reprimanding only the behavior you are concerned about, then reaffirming your husband and your relationship with him.

Yes to all of that.

Your husband is presumably getting on in years. Even if you were OK with his money style, the problem is that if you know nothing about the family finances and he dies suddenly, you will be left in a huge, confessing financial mess even if there is actually a lot of money.

If he were to die suddenly, how would you find all of the accounts to be able to bury him adequately? You might just have to cremate him and do everything as cheaply as possible if you couldn’t find the money. Or what if he were to become senile or disabled (for instance by stroke)? Your husband is presumably at least in his 60s–these are not hypothetical issues.

What Dave Ramsey suggests is creating a Legacy Drawer with all important information in one place.

daveramsey.com/article/legacy-drawer-keep-your-family-prepared/lifeandmoney_relationshipsandmoney/

Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace University might be a good thing for you to go through together. It’s a 9-week course and it costs around $100. I’ve done the old 13-week version and listened through the CDs recently and it’s very good. There’s also a continuation for older, financially settled couples (like yourselves) that I haven’t gone through, but which might be very suitable for you at your time of life.

I’d to whatsmyname’s list of questions: What are our financial goals? What are we saving for? How close are we to those goals? If your husband balks, remind him that that’s how well-run businesses operate–they have goals and they communicate those goals to employees. If even businesses do that for employees, then a husband should be able to do that for his wife, his partner in life. You’ll get further if you have clear shared goals, good communication and are working together.

Oh, and you should be doing a monthly budget with a clothing line item. You shouldn’t have to ask him for money for shoes–there should be money in the budget available for you to spend on clothing and shoes without every single purchase needing to involve a discussion with your husband.

I wonder, by the way, if your husband would go for the cash envelope system?

wikihow.com/Do-Envelope-Budgeting

He might already be familiar with it (it’s old-fashioned, grandma-style money management), so it might be relatively easy to sell him on this.

Best wishes!

 

[Perlita]

I love Easterjoy’s advice. This is a marriage issue, not a money issue. But money is probably the biggest marriage issue there is and it is an extremely sensitive issue.

Is it possible your husband would be willing to sit down and talk with you? In addition to trying to control you, he may be scared that you will judge him or that you will find out he isn’t as capable with the finances as he wants you to think. Ask him to schedule a financial meeting with you (perhaps ask formally by emailing him to set a specific time). Let him know you would like to have more information about your finances and you think it would be beneficial for your marriage for you both to be on the same page.

Your responsibility is to come to the meeting in as calm a frame of mind as you can. Do not allow yourself to get upset. Do not allow yourself to cry or yell. Do not react to any accusations he may make or to any name calling. Do not nag or whine or be accusative(not saying you ever do that, but don’t start now). Approach this as calmly and professionally as you possibly can.

You should both have access to your checking and savings accounts. It is your joint money, not his or yours. You should together make a written budget so you know how much money is coming in and how much is going out. You should both have (name removed by moderator)ut into this budget - if you’ve been taking care of household items, you’re the expert on how much you need for groceries, clothing, etc. You should both have an equal amount of free spending money budgeted into the month that is yours to do with as you please.

Dave Ramsey suggests 5 questions for a first-time budget meeting.

1. What is our monthly income?
2. How much a month do we spend on food, gas, or clothing?
3. Do we have money invested or saved anywhere?
4. Where are the wills and insurance policies?
5. What is in our retirement plans?

He also suggests “making a correction sandwich” by first praising your husband, then directly reprimanding only the behavior you are concerned about, then reaffirming your husband and your relationship with him.

You both are so right. My husband is hurt by my attitude, but I think that this is the only way to get things better. I admit that it has been easier for me let him handle all the money, and When I asked in the past to have some money I didn’t follow throu, so everything stay the same. Sometimes I think this is my cross, but lately I am beginning to wonder and also I am tired of having to ask him por everything that I need. Thank you for yor advice. I am going to try to have a conversarion with him. The hardest thing for me in my marriage has been to ask for money, and that feeling of been a little girl asking her father for money.
Pray for us.

 

[Perlita]

Yes to all of that.

Your husband is presumably getting on in years. Even if you were OK with his money style, the problem is that if you know nothing about the family finances and he dies suddenly, you will be left in a huge, confessing financial mess even if there is actually a lot of money.

If he were to die suddenly, how would you find all of the accounts to be able to bury him adequately? You might just have to cremate him and do everything as cheaply as possible if you couldn’t find the money. Or what if he were to become senile or disabled (for instance by stroke)? Your husband is presumably at least in his 60s–these are not hypothetical issues.

What Dave Ramsey suggests is creating a Legacy Drawer with all important information in one place.

daveramsey.com/article/legacy-drawer-keep-your-family-prepared/lifeandmoney_relationshipsandmoney/

Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace University might be a good thing for you to go through together. It’s a 9-week course and it costs around $100. I’ve done the old 13-week version and listened through the CDs recently and it’s very good. There’s also a continuation for older, financially settled couples (like yourselves) that I haven’t gone through, but which might be very suitable for you at your time of life.

I’d to whatsmyname’s list of questions: What are our financial goals? What are we saving for? How close are we to those goals? If your husband balks, remind him that that’s how well-run businesses operate–they have goals and they communicate those goals to employees. If even businesses do that for employees, then a husband should be able to do that for his wife, his partner in life. You’ll get further if you have clear shared goals, good communication and are working together.

Oh, and you should be doing a monthly budget with a clothing line item. You shouldn’t have to ask him for money for shoes–there should be money in the budget available for you to spend on clothing and shoes without every single purchase needing to involve a discussion with your husband.

I wonder, by the way, if your husband would go for the cash envelope system?

wikihow.com/Do-Envelope-Budgeting

He might already be familiar with it (it’s old-fashioned, grandma-style money management), so it might be relatively easy to sell him on this.

Best wishes!

Thank you…I am so glad I asked for advice. My husband is a good person, I am responsible for not setting things from the begining…and letting pass so many years. I love my married children because they are with their wives the way they wished my husband was with me.
I know we have difficulties but when I see him buying things that are not neccessary I wonder if we really have problems. I will follow the advice all of you gave me.
Pray for us

 

[EasterJoy]

Thank you…I am so glad I asked for advice. My husband is a good person, I am responsible for not setting things from the begining…and letting pass so many years. I love my married children because they are with their wives the way they wished my husband was with me.
I know we have difficulties but when I see him buying things that are not neccessary I wonder if we really have problems. I will follow the advice all of you gave me.
Pray for us

If he controls you with money, the main responsibility is his. Yes, it was your duty to call him on it sooner, but the primary responsibility for the situation is his. Even if you didn’t mind, he should not be running your joint financial life this way. But yes, it could be years of bad habits and just not thinking, not to mention thinking habits more fitting to 1914 than 2014. I wouldn’t be hard on him right off the bat, but don’t let this all be put on your head.

 

[Perlita]

If he controls you with money, the main responsibility is his. Yes, it was your duty to call him on it sooner, but the primary responsibility for the situation is his. Even if you didn’t mind, he should not be running your joint financial life this way. But yes, it could be years of bad habits and just not thinking, not to mention thinking habits more fitting to 1914 than 2014. I wouldn’t be hard on him right off the bat, but don’t let this all be put on your head.

Thank you again. Every time I ask for advice you give very good answers. I wish I could adopt you. Like I said he is a good person, but he is comfortable with the situation and why change it…I hope this is the opportunity to talk and listen to each other.

 

[EasterJoy]

Thank you again. Every time I ask for advice you give very good answers. I wish I could adopt you. Like I said he is a good person, but he is comfortable with the situation and why change it…I hope this is the opportunity to talk and listen to each other.

OK, well, the first thing to do is to ask what it is about the current situation that is important to him, then tell him what it is about the current situation that you have trouble with, and why. This will help you find a compromise where he doesn’t have to give up anything you aren’t asking for, and you don’t have to go without something you need because he didn’t realize that you weren’t trying to get more.

It is good that you think he is a good person, and saying that you think so is well worth putting into this discussion. It is not what he is that is the problem. It is the effect that some of the things he does have on you. It could be that he could reach the same end that is important to him while also accommodating the ends that are important to you. Try for that first.

The other thing, of course, is that you need to know as much as prudence requires–that is, you have to be able to take care of all of his financial dealings in case he is hospitalized without warning, so he won’t wake up to find you were forced to make a lot of guesses, a good fraction of them totally wrong. You sound as if you are totally competent to run your joint affairs if he cannot, provided you have the information you need to do it.