How to talk to my non catholic husband about vasectomy

[Hedstrom]

I was born and raised Catholic, but wouldn’t call myself a “good” Catholic. I even considered becoming non-Catholic in order for my husabnd to attend church with me (he is not Catholic) but as he didnt want to go with to find a church that was a good fit I decided I was going to a Catholic one. I have recently joined a new church (3 years) and have been attending their faith formation class with my eldest as they do it as a family thing, I have also been going to confession fairly regularly. That’s the back story now pre-question story;

my husband and I have 4 children and don’t want anymore (he was done after two) I HAD told him I’m not going on back on birth control, not for religious reasons but because I don’t like the idea of messing with my hormones, and that he’d have to get a vasectomy if he wanted to have sex whenever he wanted. He had never wanted a vasectomy but now after two children more than he didnt necessarily want he has come around to the idea. But now that I’m going more involved in church I’m feeling awfully guilty about basically talking him into it. (don’t get me wrong if that hadn’t been the conversation we’d be having the arguing about using condoms) I knew vasectomys were against church teacher but know lots of Catholics with them. (Obviously like me not a good Catholic) So it was kind of my way to stay open to more children because I wanted more and not tell him his opinion didnt count because I was OK with him getting a vasectomy at anytime. (He wasn’t completely opposed to more kids just without my desire to have more definitely would have stopped at two)

So here’s the real question:
How do I tell him I don’t want more kids, but I don’t want him to get a vasectomy, and now I don’t want to use other birth control either (which we have used before) and basically we just have to have sex only when I’m not actually in the mood. (because let’s be honest most women are in the mood when they are fertile - certainly true for me) How do I convince a non-Catholic of that, when I myself didn’t follow that before we started having kids?? AND almost all of my catholic friends and family have broken the rules regarding sex in the Catholic faith?? Maybe the non Catholic’s can answer for me.

Wow, sorry it’s so long.

Additionally if I tell him now I don’t want him to get a vasectomy, but he still does and I feel relieved (because we cannot afford another kid) is that something that is even forgviable from the Catholic stand point since Im the one who started the conversation? I feel like if I feel relieved that he did it it means I’m not truly sorry about it? Right? Otherwise I wouldn’t be relieved? The fact that I’m asking this question (in my mind or out loud) before he does it makes me feel like I won’t be able to be forgiven?

 

[Viki63]

I’m hoping someone who uses NFP will answer you, because they will have better answers. It’s no longer a concern for me.
However, I would ask yourself, what do you want? Where does God come into your lives? Have you asked him/prayed about it? It’s not just about following rules, it’s about trying to live as God wants you to, since he has your best interests at heart.

My first impression is that your husband isn’t really into his kids. Which two would he like to eliminate, since he was done at two? That sounds harsh, and I apologize, but maybe God has some kids in mind for your family that you would be sorry to have missed.
I ended up with four plus a stepdaughter, and each is unique, and I couldn’t do without any one of them. I wish I’d had more.
You can’t help your feelings, and nothing is unforgivable. But it’s best to be honest with both God and your husband about your motives. You are not responsible for what he does, unless you pressure him into something. Please talk to a good priest and have an open discussion with your husband.
God bless.

 

[kptrs]

First of all, I commend you for striving to follow the Church’s teaching on openness to life in marriage. Any type of artificial birth control is gravely sinful and I appreciate the fact that you actually embrace that belief.

The main issue I see here is that you and your husband seem to be in agreement about virtually nothing when it comes to family planning. You disagree on the number of kids you want, whether or not to use birth control, whether or not to use of NFP, and whether or not to get a vasectomy. That’s a lot of disagreement on a lot of big issues. All of the back and forth you are doing on with him (saying you want him to get a vasectomy then saying you don’t, etc.) is not helping. You need to figure out what you want and then present it to him calmly and in clear terms.

As I said, contraception is gravely sinful. If you believe that then stand your ground, but also be prepared for the possibility that you won’t be able to convince your husband of that belief. The more you try to get him to actually change his beliefs the less likely he will. I would say the best you can hope for is that he will agree to use NFP out of respect for your beliefs.
When you have the conversation, be calm and respectful so he doesn’t feel attacked. You can catch more flies with honey than you can with vinegar.

I’d also recommend the Marquette Method of a NFP. It’s expensive but very easy and straightforward.

Best of luck to you

 

[Daisy]

This is such a beautiful answer.