How to tell parents that my brother is gay

[Don_Ruggero]

Thank you so much Father Ruggero! He will definitely consider talking to their parish priest first and getting advice from him on how to deal with talking to our parents. We don’t want them to feel like we’re against them, even though all of us have chosen paths they wouldn’t have wanted us in. What hurts us is that they feel like they failed us to some extent and they blame themselves. We really don’t want them to hurt, but we can’t pretend to be something we’re not. Thank you so much for your advice, it truly means a lot to our family.

I am very glad that you understand the part I put in bold. That is, in fact, invariably the first sentiment that I have to deal with when it is the parents talking to me…that they have failed.

It is important, to the extent you can, that you reassure your parents that you love them and that they did not fail you even if, as you look back in the present moment, you might have wished religion had played a different role in your lives.

Perhaps you have a sense of woundedness that arises from their efforts to transmit their faith – the faith that they received from their parents and grandparents. So, it is a call to you for compassion toward them for the sense of woundedness and pain they feel that they have somehow failed you in a matter that is of great import to them, from their perspective. It is important to see it from that thought because if you look at it only from yours, their reaction is not going to make sense or is going to seem out of proper perspective.

You are at the very beginning of the great adventure that is life. The decades can take us many places…places we never foresaw or place that we imagined would be otherwise than what we found. As the years pass and as we look at things through older eyes, we can see things differently from our younger selves. As you and your siblings go forward, remember that once upon a time, an old retired priest told you that. It may one day come in handy. I bless you and your family from afar.

 

[oneofmany]

The son of one of my friends is gay. He came out to his parents by writing them a letter. I don’t think he had a partner at the time but he has had two since then.

You need to understand it will still be a shock to your parents and what you said about grieving is very valid. My friends have the only child. They were expecting their son to get married to a woman someday and they would have a DIL and grandchildren. Their world was turned upside down as your parents will be.

Your brother needs to tell them and give them some time to process it. Too bad he is choosing to do it right before a family get together. Maybe he could wait.

As far as your brother and his partner holding hands or giving a kiss, why can’t they refrain while around your parents? Is that too hard for them? My friend’s son was at a wedding with his parents and his partner and they wanted to dance but he had respect for his parents to ask them if it would be ok? My friend told him she would rather he not with all the family there and he respected her feelings.

He married his partner. Some of his relatives went to the wedding but my friend and her husband did not. They are attending the Encourage support group for parents and relatives of same sex attracted people. It has helped them tremendously and would help your parents when they find out. Maybe you can find a chapter in your area to keep the info in case your parents need it.

You seem to be more concerned about how your brother will feel when your parents find out, but how much have you thought about how they will feel? You know they will think it is wrong, not being gay but being in a relationship. Many gays are chaste and plan to be for the rest of their lives.

How do you think your parents would feel if your brother would bring a married women around and tell your parents he had fallen in love with her so they would just need to accept it? How would you feel? Maybe you would think it was fine but then maybe not. Maybe you would accept your brother unconditionally, no matter what he did but maybe you wouldn’t. Everyone needs to respect the feelings of others and not push their ways on them.

My friend and her husband have a good relationship with their son now and his partner but they still pray for him and would like to see him go to Courage, the group to help people with same sex attraction that want to remain chaste. Your parents will pray that your brother will change as well, that will not be a slam against your brother, it will be parents worried about their son.

 

[carefullytread]

I am very glad that you understand the part I put in bold. That is, in fact, invariably the first sentiment that I have to deal with when it is the parents talking to me…that they have failed.

It is important, to the extent you can, that you reassure your parents that you love them and that they did not fail you even if, as you look back in the present moment, you might have wished religion had played a different role in your lives.

Perhaps you have a sense of woundedness that arises from their efforts to transmit their faith – the faith that they received from their parents and grandparents. So, it is a call to you for compassion toward them for the sense of woundedness and pain they feel that they have somehow failed you in a matter that is of great import to them, from their perspective. It is important to see it from that thought because if you look at it only from yours, their reaction is not going to make sense or is going to seem out of proper perspective.

You are at the very beginning of the great adventure that is life. The decades can take us many places…places we never foresaw or place that we imagined would be otherwise than what we found. As the years pass and as we look at things through older eyes, we can see things differently from our younger selves. As you and your siblings go forward, remember that once upon a time, an old retired priest told you that. It may one day come in handy. I bless you and your family from afar.

BioNerd, you are lucky to be getting such good advice from Don Ruggero. I’ve read the forums off and on for a while now, and he consistently shows pastoral wisdom that we could all stand to encounter in our lives even if we don’t follow the Church.

And I think he hits the nail on the head directly here. When my brother and I both left the Church (not over being gay, just general drift), I think our parents’ reactions appeared, as Don Ruggero puts it, “out of proper perspective”. But as we’ve gotten older, even if we don’t agree with our parents, I can understand their pain in a way I never could when I was younger and could only see things from my own perspective. I mean, for me it was a matter of respecting my decision to not follow old customs that didn’t matter to me. For them it was a matter of saving the souls of their beloved children. You can see why there is a mismatch.

Sure, they may have a hard time accepting your brother as gay, but to them this means that he is endangering his soul. If anything, it shows how much they care about your brother, a care that is filtered through their own belief system and not yours.

I used to think that Christians who spoke about the sin of homosexuality were all homophobic, that the idea couldn’t come from any place other than hatred or at best disgust. And, frankly, for some people, that is where it comes from. But if you try to understand what a ‘good’ Christian believes, you might be surprised to find that these reactions can come from a place of love. Again, you won’t agree with them. I don’t either, but when I finally wrapped my head around that idea, I understood clearly that they weren’t lying when they said they loved the sinner but hated the sin. It was true, not just some marketing slogan to hide their hatred.

I guess, understand that your parents are people like you. They have a perspective just like you do and if you value your relationship with them, you should treat their perspective with as much respect and compassion as you can. It’s one of those things you won’t regret later in life.

 

[pianistclare]

How to tell parents that your brother is gay: you don’t, he does. It’s his life, not yours.

And one more thing. He shouldn’t be springing this on your parents at a family gathering or on a holiday.

Agreed.

 

[frizzgrig]

Well I know I didn’t come for this type of lecture… We respect our parents. No we honestly don’t “give a hoot” about Catholicism. We left that part of our lives when we left home. We would LOVE to have our parents with us at Thanksgiving but if they choose not to come because they don’t want to see my brothers relationship, that’s their consequence. We’re not going to kick two people out to make two more feel comfortable. Why would we stop our lives for their beliefs? But we’re here (bro’s receiving all these funny comments as we speak) because we love our parents and want to make this as gentle to them as possible.

The way you have phrased things you are willing to kick two people out to make two more feel comfortable. You have stated you are willing to not have your parents present at the holiday dinner if they can’t/won’t/don’t accept your brother’s situation.

You must come to terms with the reality that your brother who needs to speak with your parents - sooner rather than later - about this issue. Keep in mind your parents have hopes and dreams for all their children, and one of their children telling them they are a homosexual is likely to have a major impact if they have not already thought it a possibility. (Believe it or not, parents often do pick up on this and either pretend along with the child or deny it to themselves until the child brings it up.)

One reaction to having your hopes and dreams shattered is anger, bitterness and sorrow. They may wonder what they “did wrong.” Be prepared for it. But also be prepared for compassion, and sorrow from your parents for your brother because of the trials he has already faced and will face in life. One of the most difficult things a parent has to do is to watch their child suffer when they can do nothing about it.

Peace,

Deacon Patrick

 

[Maximilan_Kolbe]

Ok now that’s just ridiculous. If my parents didn’t like my boyfriend (now fiancé) I wouldn’t “just not bring him around” to make them feel comfortable. Especially if we live on our own, are independent etc. We love and adore our parents, even with their Catholic mentality. But we’re not going to put our lives at a halt just because they don’t agree with our choices. Since when is that demanding support? They are more than welcome because our doors are wide open to them.

If you don’t see the difference between not liking a fiancée and something that they violates some of the highest moral tenets they hold dear, how much do you actually understand where they come from?

It would be akin to, but still not the same, as you being married with children, and deciding to bring the man you were having an affair with to the Family thanksgiving. Or perhaps, you and your older sister telling you parents you were a couple with one another. Sound uncomfortable? That’s a bit different than mom not liking your latest boyfriend because he wears plaid shirts with striped pants.

For Catholics, and especially parents, whose primary concern is seeing their children make it to Heaven, there is little that would be more devastating. Seeing out children persist in sin leaves parents at times paralyzed with fear that the next breath may be their last.

But frankly, all that is an aside to etiquette. Irishmom2 is correct.

Your brother simply needs to come to your parents house, sit them down, and tell them. No one else in the room. No special event. From there, the family can decide for the dynamics of future events. Your sister clearly doesn’t have an issue with your brother’s “BF” so, it will unfortunately be up to your parents to do what they feel is acceptable. Same goes for when they host an event. I suspect not much will change, save for the family fun of the events themselves, and your parents ability to enjoy these things any more the way they once did.

Were younger siblings or children involved, the expectations and considerations would be much different. As a sibling, I’d not shun a gay sibling. However, I’d also not bring by darling daughters and son to an event where bro was holding hands with his boy, either. My obligation is to those precious babies of mine, first.

 

[bitterhope]

BioNerd, you are lucky to be getting such good advice from Don Ruggero. I’ve read the forums off and on for a while now, and he consistently shows pastoral wisdom that we could all stand to encounter in our lives even if we don’t follow the Church.

And I think he hits the nail on the head directly here. When my brother and I both left the Church (not over being gay, just general drift), I think our parents’ reactions appeared, as Don Ruggero puts it, “out of proper perspective”. But as we’ve gotten older, even if we don’t agree with our parents, I can understand their pain in a way I never could when I was younger and could only see things from my own perspective. I mean, for me it was a matter of respecting my decision to not follow old customs that didn’t matter to me. For them it was a matter of saving the souls of their beloved children. You can see why there is a mismatch.

Sure, they may have a hard time accepting your brother as gay, but to them this means that he is endangering his soul. If anything, it shows how much they care about your brother, a care that is filtered through their own belief system and not yours.

I used to think that Christians who spoke about the sin of homosexuality were all homophobic, that the idea couldn’t come from any place other than hatred or at best disgust. And, frankly, for some people, that is where it comes from. But if you try to understand what a ‘good’ Christian believes, you might be surprised to find that these reactions can come from a place of love. Again, you won’t agree with them. I don’t either, but when I finally wrapped my head around that idea, I understood clearly that they weren’t lying when they said they loved the sinner but hated the sin. It was true, not just some marketing slogan to hide their hatred.

I guess, understand that your parents are people like you. They have a perspective just like you do and if you value your relationship with them, you should treat their perspective with as much respect and compassion as you can. It’s one of those things you won’t regret later in life.

This is very true. And Father always gives excellent counsel. Your parents must have done something right in order to raise siblings that care enough about each other that they continue to be close into adulthood. Not often do we see siblings that are gathering together and encouraging/supporting one another as adults. I do believe that you all should mention to your parents that you are thankful for the gifts they gave you growing up, especially for the familial bonds formed, and most especially for good sibling relationships. As a mom it is my prayer that my kids will remain close enough into adulthood that they will gather together and continue to enjoy each other’s company even when I am unable to be with them. That’s a wonderful blessing. Do everything within your power to preserve relationships with your parents and siblings in the years to come. Family is truly irreplaceable. I would do anything for just a few more hours with my dad, or even just a moment–long enough to say I love you and miss you–with my baby brother or older sister. I am glad you all are seeking ways to keep your family together. May God bless you and your entire family for that.

 

[Truth_Faith13]

Personally (as a non catholic), I think as you no longer follow catholicism, you have come to the wrong place. The people on this forum are great but for the most part are catholic and will agree with your parents values/beliefs. Not meaning to have a go but saying you dont give a hoot about catholicism to a catholic on a catholic forum is a tad rude.

Anyway, my intent is to help… just to clarify…

1. your brother doesnt have the best relationship with your parents
2. you are not concerned with catholic beliefs
3. you are willing to accept your parents may not come to thanksgiving

I think you actually have the answer. Your brother needs to tell your parents as soon as possible (ideally without you there, you can offer moral support still without ganging up on your parents). He needs to ring them and say “I have something important I need to tell you, you will probably find it difficult to hear, can we meet for a coffee?” if they push for whats happened say that its a face to face discussion. He then should calmly tell them, and brace himself for the “consequences” (ie your parents belief/possibly not seeing them etc). He shouldnt respond, just listen, let them air their “concerns” (they are going to be upset that this has gone on for 4 years and you knew, but they didnt anyway) and he should then say something like “I love you both” and leave it at that. Give your parents time to process the information.

Love, Respect, Honesty. Im not sure what else you can do? Goodluck…

 

[pianistclare]

Personally (as a non catholic), I think as you no longer follow catholicism, you have come to the wrong place. The people on this forum are great but for the most part are catholic and will agree with your parents values/beliefs. Not meaning to have a go but saying you dont give a hoot about catholicism to a catholic on a catholic forum is a tad rude.

Anyway, my intent is to help… just to clarify…

1. your brother doesnt have the best relationship with your parents
2. you are not concerned with catholic beliefs
3. you are willing to accept your parents may not come to thanksgiving

I think you actually have the answer. Your brother needs to tell your parents as soon as possible (ideally without you there, you can offer moral support still without ganging up on your parents). He needs to ring them and say “I have something important I need to tell you, you will probably find it difficult to hear, can we meet for a coffee?” if they push for whats happened say that its a face to face discussion. He then should calmly tell them, and brace himself for the “consequences” (ie your parents belief/possibly not seeing them etc). He shouldnt respond, just listen, let them air their “concerns” (they are going to be upset that this has gone on for 4 years and you knew, but they didnt anyway) and he should then say something like “I love you both” and leave it at that. Give your parents time to process the information.

Love, Respect, Honesty. Im not sure what else you can do? Goodluck…

EXACTLY.
It’s for your brother to “orchestrate”, not anyone else.
If he’s man enough to have an openly gay relationship with another man, certainly he can man up and tell his parents for goodness sake.
It would be nice also, if you did give a hoot about your parents beliefs.
Respect.
Yeah. It goes both ways, you know?

 

[EasterJoy]

Father offered some excellent additions to my advice, especially that this be low-key, not public, not in a situation where the parents would feel trapped an unable to express emotions or ask questions about the news, and that it is preferable to plan it. Your brother need only drop by your parents’ house to do this. I know of many young people who told one parent first, one-on-one, then had the other parent help then tell the parent they thought would have the hardest time with the news. They might be shocked, but I expect they are more likely to say, “We pretty much knew, but not for sure, and we didn’t know how you wanted to handle it even if this was the situation. We thought we ought to wait for you to tell us in your own time.”

 

[MaryT777]

BioNerd,

I owe you an apology for insinuating you were not sincere. It pushed an emotional button in me when you said you didn’t give a hoot about Catholicism and I did not respond in a charitable manner.

I am sorry about that.

We are blessed to have a priest on the board willing to share his years of experience and “fatherly advice” with us. It seems you found his post and others helpful.

I certainly do hope and pray all goes well with your family situation…

Mary.

 

[Convert_in_99]

I don’t give a hoot about this thread.

:tsktsk: now now

To the OP: I second your brother seeing a priest first alone, and then maybe later as a family to work these things out. But this needs to be your brother’s doing, not yours. If your parents reject him, then you will have to respect that. You’ve done all you can at that point. But dont lessen your relationship with your parents out of spite for them not accepting your brother’s way of life. Best wishes to you and your family. Prayers for them all to get along and accept each other.

 

[RPRPsych]

:tsktsk: now now

To the OP: I second your brother seeing a priest first alone, and then maybe later as a family to work these things out. But this needs to be your brother’s doing, not yours. If your parents reject him, then you will have to respect that. You’ve done all you can at that point. But dont lessen your relationship with your parents out of spite for them not accepting your brother’s way of life. Best wishes to you and your family. Prayers for them all to get along and accept each other.

Come on, I was just playing with the OP’s words.

Frankly, I think Don Ruggero has given excellent advice, and we should all take it to heart when dealing with this sort of situation.

 

[meltzerboy]

Father offered some excellent additions to my advice, especially that this be low-key, not public, not in a situation where the parents would feel trapped an unable to express emotions or ask questions about the news, and that it is preferable to plan it. Your brother need only drop by your parents’ house to do this. I know of many young people who told one parent first, one-on-one, then had the other parent help then tell the parent they thought would have the hardest time with the news. They might be shocked, but I expect they are more likely to say, “We pretty much knew, but not for sure, and we didn’t know how you wanted to handle it even if this was the situation. We thought we ought to wait for you to tell us in your own time.”

I think most parents do have a way of knowing in situations such as this, even if not fully.

 

[meltzerboy]

As a priest, I would have a few suggestions for you, BioNerd.

Over the course of my years, I have worked with families through issues that were painful…on both sides of the equation.

Parents who were disappointed in choices that their children made, on the one hand – whether co-habiting outside of marriage, marrying outside of the Church, having children outside of marriage, choosing to go to a different Christian confession, leaving the Church and faith all together – or realisations about their sexual orientation, among many other life circumstances.

On the other hand, I have tried to help people, with varying degrees of success, in dealing with issues related to animosity against the Church because of their childhood or some other aspects of their lives or families where they were wounded or damaged or pained on account of the Church.

All that by way of saying that I am sympathetic to the scenario you are presenting, regarding both generations in this portrait. I expect finding a mutual path ahead for everyone concerned will be a challenge for your brother and his companion, for you and your sister, and the others who are part of your respective lives as well as for your parents.

Not knowing any of you personally, it is very difficult to try to give you concrete and practical counsel, since advice really rests on knowing the people involved and being able to estimate their reactions, at least to some degree.

In terms of what you specifically ask in this post…

It would seem to me preferable for the matter to come out into the open in a planned as opposed to an accidental way since accidents can happen in unfavourable moments and unfavourable circumstance just as a realisation by a slow dawning could be awkward in the extreme and even tortuous.

It would also seem to me the occasion of a low-key small family gathering (and apart from a holiday) that you or your sister hosted in one of your homes would be better than at a dinner at a restaurant. A group of five is already substantial in a setting such as a restaurant when it is a normal occasion.

Rather than making the matter front stage, it seems better for the topic to come about in a more casual manner and without some dramatic build up, lest they think you are going to announce one of you is terminally ill.

Being in a non-public venue would allow your parents to not feel that they are trapped in the midst of strangers, as one can feel when one confronts something of great import while on a pubic stage like being in the middle of a restaurant. If they need space and time to process what they are told – that is if the matter really is a surprise to them that is totally unforeseen – they can make an early evening of it, without causing the disturbance of walking out of a restaurant, and return to their home…and your siblings and you will be together in a familiar place.

The other advice I can offer – and presume to do so since you are no longer practicing the faith and it might not occur to you – is the possibility of you meeting with your parents’ priest or a priest to whom they are close. Especially if he has been in their lives long enough that he might remember all of you from your younger days or have a particular closeness to them.

After this many years, there are a number of children from my old parishes who, having grown up, have chosen other paths in life – they know, however, that my door is always open to them. Similarly, for their parents…my door is always open.

Depending upon the pastoral gifts that the priest possesses, he may be able to offer the concrete suggestions to you that you are seeking on the one hand and also be available to help your parents process these realities and companion them as they process it on the other – and even know of a good counselor he could suggest.

I always counsel, on both sides of these situations, that the familial bond should in all cases be preserved. There are cases, of course, where it is tragically not possible at all, notably in issues involving some form of terrible abuse. Issues such as are being discussed here are not of that nature, thankfully, and should not be thought of as such. A way ahead should be sought and found.

A wholesale rejection of family members is always a tragedy, whatever side of the argument they are upon.

I can well imagine that the presence of you and others is a tremendous source of support and encouragement for your brother and I can also well imagine that, when he talks about this with his parents, who are your parents, too, he would wish to do so in the context of the entire family. As the one purveying news, that is his prerogative, after all.

It is evident in what you post that the children feel more affirmed by your relationships with each other than you do by your respective relationships to your parents and that the relationships of each of you to them is already a strained one. I am sure they must perceive that reality as well – and will understand it even more with the conveying of this news, if both of your brother’s sisters are sitting beside him.

I assure you and your family…all of your family…of my prayers.

What outstanding advice, Father, and applicable to so many family situations.

 

[Allegra]

I think you should let your brother handle it. It would be really inappropriate for you to be there. You may not care what they think or how this hurts them or if they come to thanksgiving but he probably does.

 

[EasterJoy]

I think most parents do have a way of knowing in situations such as this, even if not fully.

I don’t think it is unusual for one parent to be far more upset about the possibility than the other, even when they are intellectually on the same page. Sometimes, both suspect, but they don’t talk about it. Sometimes, they’ve talked about the possibility and worked out the emotions beforehand. The OP’s brother can’t really know that. He ought to be ready for his parents to at least hope he’ll handle his same-sex attraction without acting on it by having a lover. That is what the Church teaches, they are devout Catholics, of course they may have that hope for him, just as they hope he goes to Mass every Sunday and goes to confession when he commits a mortal sin. He ought to be ready for them to react very emotionally. He ought to remind himself in advance that either he or they might say things that they don’t mean, and that a private and quiet situation is the best way to avoid someone saying something that can be apologized for but not unsaid or undone.

As for the OP, I think the best thing she can do is to encourage her brother to either tell their parents in the most calm setting he can arrange or, if he decides he wants to conceal it then to conceal it (which is his business). He should not to spring the “reality” on his parents in a group, particularly not during a holiday dinner, expecting them to deal immediately with something he had both time and privacy to work out for himself, making them digest the news instantly and in front of the whole family.

As Father said, the better thing is to sit down with the parents in a setting where the interchange can be had in some privacy and everyone has a chance to say, “I need some space to deal with what you just said.”

I’d add again that you do not need to tell both parents at once. One-on-one might be easier for everyone, because it removes the dynamic of the parents having to be concerned about how their response (or reaction) affects the other parent. It makes it easier to keep the emotions a little more in check. It lets the parent you tell be honest about their response without worrying about what the other parent will think of what they say in the heat of the moment.

I would tell the one most likely to have a considered response instead of an emotional reaction first, though. Let that parent digest the news, tell him or her that when he or she is ready you’d like them to be there when you tell your other parent, then tell the other parent with the first parent present. Which parent will that be? You can only guess. Don’t lay down any bets on this one.

 

[Indigo_Cardinal]

I’m another voting for the “It’s your brother’s place to tell them, and not yours.”

I also think your brother should have this talk with them before the Thanksgiving gathering. Which is several months away, so he has plenty of time. But I would do this sooner, rather than later. Waiting until the day before would still have your folks in a bit of shock and possibly reeling (and the holidays are stressful enough). I would honestly encourage your brother to do it now. Hopefully your parents will take it better than what you anticipate (or possibly already suspect). On the other hand, if they don’t react well, this could give everybody a few months’ grace to work through emotions prior to Thanksgiving.

 

[pianistclare]

I’m another voting for the “It’s your brother’s place to tell them, and not yours.”

I also think your brother should have this talk with them before the Thanksgiving gathering. Which is several months away, so he has plenty of time. But I would do this sooner, rather than later. Waiting until the day before would still have your folks in a bit of shock and possibly reeling (and the holidays are stressful enough). I would honestly encourage your brother to do it now. Hopefully your parents will take it better than what you anticipate (or possibly already suspect). On the other hand, if they don’t react well, this could give everybody a few months’ grace to work through emotions prior to Thanksgiving.

Yes. They probably already know, which blows your feeling that they are terrible people who are going to react poorly out of the water. You didn’t say this outright, but when you say you don’t give a hoot about their beliefs, that’ really what one means. They’re his parents. They will love him no matter what. They may disapprove of the lifestyle, per their faith, but that’s nothing to do with you.
It’s HIS life.

 

[mafh]

I would recommend that your brother break the news at a distance, by letter, for instance. Then, your parents can work out any negative feelings in private. Doing it face-to-face runs the risk that someone will say something in the heat of the moment that he/she later regrets. Whatever you do, do not break the news in a public place or at a family occasion/outing – that is a recipe for a permanent family scism.

Assuming things go well, and Thanksgiving moves forward, I would recommend that your brother and his partner go easy on the public displays of affection around your parents, at least at first. The most important thing for the initial meetings is that your parents become acquainted with your brother’s partner, and hopefully eventually come to love him like a member of the family. That way, I think you will have a basis for family cohesion, even if your parents never accept your brother’s sexuality and relationship.