How to tell parents that my brother is gay

[EasterJoy]

I would recommend that your brother break the news at a distance, by letter, for instance. Then, your parents can work out any negative feelings in private. Doing it face-to-face runs the risk that someone will say something in the heat of the moment that he/she later regrets. Whatever you do, do not break the news in a public place or at a family occasion/outing – that is a recipe for a permanent family scism.

Assuming things go well, and Thanksgiving moves forward, I would recommend that your brother and his partner go easy on the public displays of affection around your parents, at least at first. The most important thing for the initial meetings is that your parents become acquainted with your brother’s partner, and hopefully eventually come to love him like a member of the family. That way, I think you will have a basis for family cohesion, even if your parents never accept your brother’s sexuality and relationship.

Letters are very dicey means of communication, and they give the greatest opportunity for perseveration over every little word. I would be interested in hearing what Don Ruggero had to say, but remember that where there is no opportunity to exchange rash words there is also no opportunity to exchange immediate hugs or to communicate via facial expression. In my experience, these communications are far better in person–yes, in private; yes, with enough time for digesting the news without having to act like there is nothing up; but in person, when that is practically possible. Personal communication also puts the desire to preserve the relationship and the trust between the parties at the forefront better than a letter. If it is not, an explanation in the letter of what prevented personal communication isn’t a bad idea.

 

[mafh]

Letters are very dicey means of communication, and they give the greatest opportunity for perseveration over every little word. I would be interested in hearing what Don Ruggero had to say, but remember that where there is no opportunity to exchange rash words there is also no opportunity to exchange immediate hugs or to communicate via facial expression. In my experience, these communications are far better in person–yes, in private; yes, with enough time for digesting the news without having to act like there is nothing up; but in person, when that is practically possible. Personal communication also puts the desire to preserve the relationship and the trust between the parties at the forefront better than a letter. If it is not, an explanation in the letter of what prevented personal communication isn’t a bad idea.

Yeah, I wrote that before reading the priest’s advice, which I think is better than mine. I was going to edit my post, but I couldn’t figure out how.

Maybe a letter is a bad idea after all. I’m not sure. Maybe it depends on how hot-headed the people involved are. It’s just that I know of situations where the coming out leads to a permanent family rift, mostly due to ugly things said in anger. I thought maybe if there was a chance for a cool down/reflection period, it would go better. It’s just that when one side says ‘this is a sin’ and the other side says ‘that’s discrimination/homophobia’ things can get ugly very quickly.

 

[EasterJoy]

Yeah, I wrote that before reading the priest’s advice, which I think is better than mine. I was going to edit my post, but I couldn’t figure out how.

Maybe a letter is a bad idea after all. I’m not sure. Maybe it depends on how hot-headed the people involved are. It’s just that I know of situations where the coming out leads to a permanent family rift, mostly due to ugly things said in anger. I thought maybe if there was a chance for a cool down/reflection period, it would go better. It’s just that when one side says ‘this is a sin’ and the other side says ‘that’s discrimination/homophobia’ things can get ugly very quickly.

What you’re describing could be a legitimate concern. In that case, I think I’d invite this devout couple’s pastor to be present for this meeting.

 

[Allegra]

Yeah, I wrote that before reading the priest’s advice, which I think is better than mine. I was going to edit my post, but I couldn’t figure out how.

Maybe a letter is a bad idea after all. I’m not sure. Maybe it depends on how hot-headed the people involved are. It’s just that I know of situations where the coming out leads to a permanent family rift, mostly due to ugly things said in anger. I thought maybe if there was a chance for a cool down/reflection period, it would go better. It’s just that when one side says ‘this is a sin’ and the other side says ‘that’s discrimination/homophobia’ things can get ugly very quickly.

It might be beneficial for the brother to write a letter that he doesn’t intend to send prior to the meeting. That way he can get his thoughts out and do some mental editing prior to letting all of his feelings come flying out of his face. He can also anticipate his parents’ possible responses and plan what he is going to say. I would think that this sort of situation could quickly turn into trying to “win the debate”. That really shouldn’t be the goal here. What’s important is that the news is broken while preserving the relationship. The OP doesn’t really seem as invested in that as one would hope. Maybe she is, but she isn’t coming off that way in her posts. She seems more concerned with supporting her brother in his “rightness” than reducing the drama and trying to help her family stay together. I think the brother should also keep in mind that while he has had time to plan what to say, his parents haven’t and their response might not be so polished.

 

[Allegra]

What you’re describing could be a legitimate concern. In that case, I think I’d invite this devout couple’s pastor to be present for this meeting.

I probably wouldn’t invite him to the initial meeting. It really should be between the son and his parents. However, it’s not a bad idea for the son to suggest that they meet with the pastor together if the parents want to. That would demonstrate that he does respect their spiritual concerns.

 

[EasterJoy]

I probably wouldn’t invite him to the initial meeting. It really should be between the son and his parents. However, it’s not a bad idea for the son to suggest that they meet with the pastor together if the parents want to. That would demonstrate that he does respect their spiritual concerns.

Yes. I meant only if the fellow felt afraid to meet with them alone in person.

I don’t think I’d go the letter route unless he felt his parents were toxic or abusive, such that he was forced to cut off contact and needed to request that they not attempt to contact him and explain why. I have no reason to believe that this is where this family is, though. A son might believe it is “toxic” or “abusive” to choose to see the Church as the authority on moral law instead of him, but most of the time he can deliver his verdict in person, even then.

 

[mommy_k]

Well I know I didn’t come for this type of lecture… We respect our parents. No we honestly don’t “give a hoot” about Catholicism. We left that part of our lives when we left home. We would LOVE to have our parents with us at Thanksgiving but if they choose not to come because they don’t want to see my brothers relationship, that’s their consequence. We’re not going to kick two people out to make two more feel comfortable. Why would we stop our lives for their beliefs? But we’re here (bro’s receiving all these funny comments as we speak) because we love our parents and want to make this as gentle to them as possible.

Does you brother really need their approval that badly? It us dangerous turf to pit the religious belief s of some family against a nother family members opposing ones – this will possibly cause inner turmoil for both parties.

Don’t ask and don’t tell is something to think about especially if there is distance, and visits are a few times a year.

 

[JB_Brother_4446]

Ok now that’s just ridiculous. If my parents didn’t like my boyfriend (now fiancé) I wouldn’t “just not bring him around” to make them feel comfortable. Especially if we live on our own, are independent etc. We love and adore our parents, even with their Catholic mentality. But we’re not going to put our lives at a halt just because they don’t agree with our choices. Since when is that demanding support? They are more than welcome because our doors are wide open to them.

At this point I would say if neither side agrees then don’t discuss it again or just leave. Apparently you feel kind of upset that your parents won’t accept your brother’s lifestyle but you don’t give-and I quote-“a hoot” about theirs. Personally if I were you, instead of asking us Catholics about what to do when you know what we believe on acting on SSA, I would ask someone else.

 

[Don_Ruggero]

At this point I would say if neither side agrees then don’t discuss it again or just leave. Apparently you feel kind of upset that your parents won’t accept your brother’s lifestyle but you don’t give-and I quote-“a hoot” about theirs. Personally if I were you, instead of asking us Catholics about what to do when you know what we believe on acting on SSA, I would ask someone else.

I am very glad that this person came and I am as happy to interact with her and her concerns as I would have been had she come to my parish office.

It is my hope that some priest who has played a meaningful role in the life of her family can somehow be of help to her and her family in this very difficult moment as the parents deal with and accept the decisions of their adult children – and as everyone develops a dynamic that is respectful of the autonomy of each person in this situation.

I do not understand why you are using an angry emoticon. It is hardly a pastoral response.

 

[ArielRussu]

I am very glad that this person came and I am as happy to interact with her and her concerns as I would have been had she come to my parish office.

It is my hope that some priest who has played a meaningful role in the life of her family can somehow be of help to her and her family in this very difficult moment as the parents deal with and accept the decisions of their adult children – and as everyone develops a dynamic that is respectful of the autonomy of each person in this situation.

I do not understand why you are using an angry emoticon. It is hardly a pastoral response.

Because religious/conservatives Catholics get butt hurt whenever people express a dis-regard for there personal beliefs and those with beliefs similar to theres and can’t see past that to acknowledge that some people, like in the OP case, are just seeking information to simply understand the Catholic viewpoint, not embrace it as there own, for whatever there reasons are.

 

[JB_Brother_4446]

I am very glad that this person came and I am as happy to interact with her and her concerns as I would have been had she come to my parish office.

It is my hope that some priest who has played a meaningful role in the life of her family can somehow be of help to her and her family in this very difficult moment as the parents deal with and accept the decisions of their adult children – and as everyone develops a dynamic that is respectful of the autonomy of each person in this situation.

I do not understand why you are using an angry emoticon. It is hardly a pastoral response.

We all need a little shaking. A shepherd has to keep his sheep in line with his staff. The Good Shepherd even used a whip.

 

[Don_Ruggero]

We all need a little shaking. A shepherd has to keep his sheep in line with his staff. The Good Shepherd even used a whip.

I do not shake people.

As for the staff, I have a great deal of experience with the shepherd’s staff, thank you very much.

As for the whip…yes I have seen the after effect of the priest who deployed the whip. And trying to undo the damage that was done. Fortunately, today, such priests can quickly find themselves on the receiving end of the bishop’s attention and corrective measure.

As for the Good Shepherd, He is the one who is ready to die for his sheep against wolves and marauders. He is the one who leaves the 99 to seek out the one who was lost. He is the one who binds the wounds and then places the sheep upon His own shoulders to carry it.

The whip…Jesus used against those who had wrongfully installed themselves in His Father’s house and were defrauding the ones for whom the Good Shepherd was caring.

 

[Don_Ruggero]

This is very true. And Father always gives excellent counsel. Your parents must have done something right in order to raise siblings that care enough about each other that they continue to be close into adulthood. Not often do we see siblings that are gathering together and encouraging/supporting one another as adults. I do believe that you all should mention to your parents that you are thankful for the gifts they gave you growing up, especially for the familial bonds formed, and most especially for good sibling relationships. As a mom it is my prayer that my kids will remain close enough into adulthood that they will gather together and continue to enjoy each other’s company even when I am unable to be with them. That’s a wonderful blessing. Do everything within your power to preserve relationships with your parents and siblings in the years to come. Family is truly irreplaceable. I would do anything for just a few more hours with my dad, or even just a moment–long enough to say I love you and miss you–with my baby brother or older sister. I am glad you all are seeking ways to keep your family together. May God bless you and your entire family for that.

What a wonderful intervention.

 

[EasterJoy]

I do not shake people.

As for the staff, I have a great deal of experience with the shepherd’s staff, thank you very much.

As for the whip…yes I have seen the after effect of the priest who deployed the whip. And trying to undo the damage that was done. Fortunately, today, such priests can quickly find themselves on the receiving end of the bishop’s attention and corrective measure.

As for the Good Shepherd, He is the one who is ready to die for his sheep against wolves and marauders. He is the one who leaves the 99 to seek out the one who was lost. He is the one who binds the wounds and then places the sheep upon His own shoulders to carry it.

The whip…Jesus used against those who had wrongfully installed themselves in His Father’s house and were defrauding the ones for whom the Good Shepherd was caring.

I remember a priest who visited a nation in the South Pacific said the bishop there (or archbishop; I do not remember where it was) had gotten permission from Rome to use an episcopal staff of the kind familiar to the islanders for herding pigs instead of a crozier of the type for herding sheep, since there was no tradition of sheep-herding on those islands. The herders use this kind of a staff to whack the pigs, to keep them from going after each other. Is that the way the bishop used it? he was asked. Oh, no, he laughed–well, maybe just on the priests!

Yes, Our Lord saved his most stern reprimands for the wayward shepherds, rather than for the wayward sheep.

 

[TheLastUnicorn]

Letters are very dicey means of communication, and they give the greatest opportunity for perseveration over every little word. I would be interested in hearing what Don Ruggero had to say, but remember that where there is no opportunity to exchange rash words there is also no opportunity to exchange immediate hugs or to communicate via facial expression. In my experience, these communications are far better in person–yes, in private; yes, with enough time for digesting the news without having to act like there is nothing up; but in person, when that is practically possible. Personal communication also puts the desire to preserve the relationship and the trust between the parties at the forefront better than a letter. If it is not, an explanation in the letter of what prevented personal communication isn’t a bad idea.

It’s tough to say how the parents should be told without knowing them. When my mother found out my twin brother was gay, my mother was so upset and angry about it that she took it out on me when I walked into the room. (She figured it out without being told and I didn’t know it either.) My father would never have reacted that way but my mother is more easily upset. A letter might have been the best way to break it to her.

By the way, my brother is chaste and celibate, so it’s a different situation but I know our parents and all of the rest of us would love him no matter what. I think the parents in this case may be devastated but they will most likely still love him as much as before. The brother should tell them but I do think he should consider how they’re likely to react. If one would receive the news more calmly it might be best for him to tell the calmer parent first so the calmer parent can be there for the other parent. I know it’s tough for the person coming out.But it can be really hard for the parents too.

 

[JB_Brother_4446]

I do not shake people.

As for the staff, I have a great deal of experience with the shepherd’s staff, thank you very much.

As for the whip…yes I have seen the after effect of the priest who deployed the whip. And trying to undo the damage that was done. Fortunately, today, such priests can quickly find themselves on the receiving end of the bishop’s attention and corrective measure.

As for the Good Shepherd, He is the one who is ready to die for his sheep against wolves and marauders. He is the one who leaves the 99 to seek out the one who was lost. He is the one who binds the wounds and then places the sheep upon His own shoulders to carry it.

The whip…Jesus used against those who had wrongfully installed themselves in His Father’s house and were defrauding the ones for whom the Good Shepherd was caring.

The Good Shepherd also keeps the sheep in line. Ultimately people need a prophet and not a cheerleader. And yeah, people need to be shaken out of their arrogance. Truth is a bitter medicine we have to swallow. It is a Christian’s duty to speak truth and we will have to answer to God if we don’t. And yes, it is distasteful and rude to say you don’t give a hoot about your parent’s beliefs.

 

[Don_Ruggero]

I remember a priest who visited a nation in the South Pacific said the bishop there (or archbishop; I do not remember where it was) had gotten permission from Rome to use an episcopal staff of the kind familiar to the islanders for herding pigs instead of a crozier of the type for herding sheep, since there was no tradition of sheep-herding on those islands. The herders use this kind of a staff to whack the pigs, to keep them from going after each other. Is that the way the bishop used it? he was asked. Oh, no, he laughed–well, maybe just on the priests!

Yes, Our Lord saved his most stern reprimands for the wayward shepherds, rather than for the wayward sheep.

You are correct. I can indeed say that the staff is used more as a remedy concerning priests than it is as a remedy concerning the laity.

 

[JB_Brother_4446]

You are correct. I can indeed say that the staff is used more as a remedy concerning priests than it is as a remedy concerning the laity.

I guess everyone should check today’s gospel again. Apparently Jesus wasn’t doing exactly that.

 

[oneofmany]

Well some priests today won’t say anything, they just want to be liked.

My friend’s son went to a Catholic university and a nun there told him he had to be himself. Some religious suffer from the same feelings that gays have even if they aren’t suppose to act on them. They aren’t ones that can counsel someone when they can’t be objective.

I hope your brother can find a priest who is not biased and can instruct him like Jesus would.

 

[Rau]

…Ideally we hope our parents will react calmly and no we’re not asking them to treat my brothers boyfriend like their new son in law, he just wants them to know before rather than having to “surprise” them.

There is no circumstance in which you would “have to surprise” your parents. That would just be an act of disgraceful indifference.

Your brother ought to discuss the matter with your parents ASAP and far in advance of any party at which he and his friend intend to participate.

Your brother’s friend ought not be attending the party if that is how your parents are to discover the situation.