How to treat a teen guest

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Viki63

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Just looking for some thoughts:
I have a 15 year old girl at home (doing very well in school), & an 18 year old son who lives at his friend’s house, couldn’t follow our rules so he left.
Meanwhile, son’s girlfriend who is now 17 was thrown out of her house by her mother, to protect her from an abusive older (adult) brother who rules the roost. We’ve allowed her to stay with us for the last several weeks, and helped her get into school and counseling.
She resents us because she feels like she “has” to stay with us, doesn’t speak unless spoken to, spends every weekend with her mother (when brother is away) & only spends weeknights with us as a place to stay for safety. Her mother may have some developmental delay issues, not quite sure why she can’t step up and take care of her child but this girl has really fallen through the cracks, had been out of school for several years & allowed to run wild.
She also spends some nights with girlfriends, but won’t tell us their names or addresses, says it’s ok with her mother. Our house rule is we have to know where & with who she spends the night, or I call the police. I spoke to her mother the last time & she said not to call the police, she believed she was with a girlfriend…But I told the girl that the next time she’s AWOL I will report her as a runaway.
I am concerned for her safety if I ask her to leave, but worried for the example for my daughter if she stays. She is working with a group advocating for homeless kids, who plan to help her get back with her family in a few months, but I’m not allowed to talk with her counselor due to the HIPPA laws. (The girl won’t give her permission.)
Some of my friends say push her out, but she says her mother won’t allow her to come home since the brother was abusive, & she has nowhere else to go but sleep in the parks.
My husband is very generous and willing to go with whatever I decide.The girl is really not a problem as she never speaks, just sits at the computer on Facebook for hours. Though it is uncomfortable to have this silent presence in the house who looks like she’s angry, but she is rarely here.
(This situation reminds me of the movie Precious, if you’ve seen it you know the teenager was very rude & dysfunctional, because she was treated like dirt so she knew no better. I know this girl won’t change overnight, but am hoping that some of our example of courtesy will stick with her, and at least we’ve gotten her into school & some counseling.)
I am thinking of telling her that unless she allows me to talk with her counselor/advocate, she will have to move out. I haven’t yet because possibly this is one area where she feels like she has some control.
I want to be Christ-like for this girl, but it’s hard to set a good example when I rarely speak with her, and it’s usually to try to set limits. (This is the same “Buddhist teen” I posted about earlier)
I’d appreciate an objective eye on the situation.
 
I wouldn’t worry too much about where she is, although I would make her call to check in, and I would ask to speak to her friend’s mom (which you may not be able to do if she’s lying to you and with a boy or something, but I would try). My first priority would be to make sure that she is physically safe, and other than that I wouldn’t try to make her tow the line too much (as you say she’s not getting into trouble).

I would really try to build a relationship with her as much as you can. The girl has obviously had a very rough life so far, and I think you should do whatever is in your power to try to lighten her load. Do you know anything about her? Other than facebook, does she have hobbies or interests? Does she like movies, music, knitting, video games? Find out and do it with her. I would try to make her interests an opening to a deeper relationship. Even if the areas of interest aren’t to your taste, make a sacrifice and spend time with her. What’s her favorite food? Make her favorite dinner once in a while. I would do my best to be a friend to her. You may not get very far, but you will have tried to show the love of Jesus to her.
 
This girl is not your guest. Your house, your rules. It sounds like she is in need of (and probably wants, in spite of her attitude) an adult in her life who is willing to set boundaries and sees to it that she respects them. I think if she was really so unhappy in your house, she would have been long gone by now and into the foster care system. There may be a good reason that she does not want you to speak with her counselor; I’m sure there are many things in her life that she is embarrased about and ashamed of and is not ready to reaveal them to anyone else. If she is well behaved and your daughter continues to do well, I would let her stay on with the clear understanding that you are in charge of the household and she MUST comply (like everyone else) with the rules. She will be 18 soon enough and on her own anyway.
 
I just wanted to point out that it’s not really your house or sleeping on the streets. This girl is a minor, and if she truly had nowhere to go, she could be placed in foster care. I’m not saying this is the preferable option (it’s probably not) but you should know that she doesn’t have to end up sleeping on the streets if she has to leave your house for some reason.
 
I certainly think you are being very charitable towards this girl, but I also wonder if you are sending some mixed messages to your 15 year old daughter. I mean on one hand you are showing her that helping others is a Christian thing to do, yet at the same time your own son has moved out (been told to leave ??) because of not being willing to follow your rules. This girl obviously isn’t following the rules, but she gets to stay? I think at this point. I would have to set down some clear rules and if she’s not willing to follow them, then perhaps she can go stay with one of the girlfriends that she often spends the night with. I would worry that if you continue to let her live as she pleases in a year or so your daughter is going to want the same thing

Can you speak to the mother about this? Would she be entitled to the information from the counsellor that you are not entitled to? Can the counsellor at least give you some guidance as to what you should do, even without telling anything confidential?

Do you believe the mother would really end up allowing her minor daughter to live on the street while her adult abusive son gets to stay at home? Why doesn’t she just call the police on her son? I mean she says its for her daughters safety, but how safe would it be for her to be living on the street? Have you tried calling Catholic Social Services? I wonder if they could give you some guidance. Very sad situation. God bless you for trying to do the right thing.
 
I was a very surly, rude, raised-in-a-barn type myself. At 17 my 18 year-old boyfriend’s parents took me in after my mother beat the hell out of me. (Boyfriend lived in the dorm at college at the time.) I didn’t talk much. I knew the family saw me as a heathen miscreant not good enough for their son.

Even though I was selfish and defensive, and did nothing to help out, I learned SO MUCH just from being around those two wonderful Christians. I didn’t realize it at the time. It was hard to trust and I sure didn’t want to open my heart to them, especially after both of my dads leaving and my mother throwing me away like an old beer can. (She made me take all of the photos of myself when I left, even my baby book.) I accepted some offers to attend church with the couple and heckled the pastor.

Let me say, thank you, Viki. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for what you’re doing; it’s more than you know. Someday this gal will realize it.

I don’t have advice, just some love and hugs. God bless you and your family. :hug1:
 
As a legal point, her mother isn’t free to simply refuse to take her minor child into her home. You may choose to take on the burden (and possible liability) that goes with housing someone else’s child, but her mother is obligated to make arrangements legal. Having a kid in your house over which you have no legal authority is always kinda dicey. It gets more risky since she’s female. If she’s not completely stable, she could make any sort of accusation, putting your husband on defense and causing all sorts of trouble. Be cautious.
 
Thank you for all of your replies. It is a complicated situation.
The mother doesn’t really speak English. She is allowed to speak to the counselor but I am not. The mother will speak to me, we are on okay terms, but we don’t communicate at all well due to the language barrier.
I realize that legally she can’t kick her child out, but have not wanted to involve the foster care system, partly because I know the girl would just run from any foster home.
Appreciate your comments, SurlyMermaid, and hope we are making a difference, but am not sure because she barely communicates with us, we don’t eat meals together, she refuses to attend church.
She will not be on her own at 18, she will still be attending school. She may need a sheltered workshop eventually to earn a living.
heart4home, you are right, this makes no sense. But seems like this is the best idea her mother could come up with, since the brother earns the living & she is dependent on him.
I think my plan is to inform her that she can stay another 6 weeks, until the end of school, then return to her mother. Hopefully the advocate can help her work it out with her family. I can’t allow her to use our home as a “base of operations” all summer, in and out as she pleases.
 
Viki63 said:
Thank you for all of your replies. It is a complicated situation.
The mother doesn’t really speak English. She is allowed to speak to the counselor but I am not. The mother will speak to me, we are on okay terms, but we don’t communicate at all well due to the language barrier.
I realize that legally she can’t kick her child out, but have not wanted to involve the foster care system, partly because I know the girl would just run from any foster home.
Appreciate your comments, SurlyMermaid, and hope we are making a difference, but am not sure because she barely communicates with us, we don’t eat meals together, she refuses to attend church.
She will not be on her own at 18, she will still be attending school. She may need a sheltered workshop eventually to earn a living.
heart4home, you are right, this makes no sense. But seems like this is the best idea her mother could come up with, since the brother earns the living & she is dependent on him.
I think my plan is to inform her that she can stay another 6 weeks, until the end of school, then return to her mother. Hopefully the advocate can help her work it out with her family. I can’t allow her to use our home as a “base of operations” all summer, in and out as she pleases.
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Gosh, it really sounds as if Social Services needs to be in on this entire situation. You aren’t Social Services and it sounds as if that family needs way more help than you can provide. Sometimes getting an agency involved will propel the parties to take better care of themselves or find other arrangements. This girl probably needs psychological help, it sounds like she’s the equivalent of an abused dog, afraid, not trusting, hardly caring and being scared to trust. Call local government agencies.
 
TheRealJuliane said:
Gosh, it really sounds as if Social Services needs to be in on this entire situation. You aren’t Social Services and it sounds as if that family needs way more help than you can provide. Sometimes getting an agency involved will propel the parties to take better care of themselves or find other arrangements. This girl probably needs psychological help, it sounds like she’s the equivalent of an abused dog, afraid, not trusting, hardly caring and being scared to trust. Call local government agencies.
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Good points. I realized I’m not social services early on . . . I did get her into Catholic Community Services counseling. Called CPS once before all this started, but there was no response.
 
Viki63 said:
Good points. I realized I’m not social services early on . . . I did get her into Catholic Community Services counseling. Called CPS once before all this started, but there was no response.
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Well, it might be that they are so overwhelmed with needs that they cannot respond. I know the social services agencies are really overburdened these days. The family needs more, though. Not just the girl, but the whole family. I would follow up with CPS.
 
CPS was called on us all the time. They never did anything. My mother also sweet-talked them, etc. If you’re a manipulative con artist, it’s easy to do.

Juliane’s likening of her to “an abused dog” sounds accurate to me. I know that’s exactly how I felt. 😦
 
Viki63 said:
Just looking for some thoughts:
I have a 15 year old girl at home (doing very well in school), & an 18 year old son who lives at his friend’s house, couldn’t follow our rules so he left.
Meanwhile, son’s girlfriend who is now 17 was thrown out of her house by her mother, to protect her from an abusive older (adult) brother who rules the roost.
.
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So, now you have his girlfriend living with you? That is what I find very odd about the whole situation.

I agree with whoever said that her mom can’t just throw out a minor, but she was able to because your son (who wouldn’t follow your rules) now brought you his girlfriend–who won’t follow your rules.

I also agree that living in the park is not her only option and if you allow her to walk all over you for the next six weeks, what have you succeeded in teaching her, at least about you? That she can use people without showing them any respect. She will soon be of legal age for her mom to throw her out with no consequences. Then what? She needs to be told that people that provide for her are to be treated with respect. Especially since you are doing this out of the goodness of your heart, and not because you have to.

You are very kind and charitable, but I fear this is not going to end in six weeks.
 
Irishmom2 said:
So, now you have his girlfriend living with you? That is what I find very odd about the whole situation.

I agree with whoever said that her mom can’t just throw out a minor, but she was able to because your son (who wouldn’t follow your rules) now brought you his girlfriend–who won’t follow your rules.

I also agree that living in the park is not her only option and if you allow her to walk all over you for the next six weeks, what have you succeeded in teaching her, at least about you? That she can use people without showing them any respect. She will soon be of legal age for her mom to throw her out with no consequences. Then what? She needs to be told that people that provide for her are to be treated with respect. Especially since you are doing this out of the goodness of your heart, and not because you have to.

You are very kind and charitable, but I fear this is not going to end in six weeks.
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It will end in 6 weeks because I will provide her with boxes to pack her things in, and help her if necessary, and transport her and her property to her mom’s house, unless the counselor has made another plan.
She is not overtly rude, just mostly uncommunicative. If anyone is using me, I think it is the mother, but that seems to be out of ignorance.
Letting her walk all over me . … I see your point. But really, all we are doing is allowing her to stay in a guest room, and sharing food with her. Her mother has given her money for essentials.
I do appreciate your comments. Just am not sure how to put them into action. Any limit-setting I do is interpreted as meanness. She has said things like, “I know you all hate me.” So I am glad she is in counseling; I believe she needs a lot of help.
 
Viki63 said:
Thank you for all of your replies. It is a complicated situation.
The mother doesn’t really speak English. She is allowed to speak to the counselor but I am not. The mother will speak to me, we are on okay terms, but we don’t communicate at all well due to the language barrier.
I realize that legally she can’t kick her child out, but have not wanted to involve the foster care system, partly because I know the girl would just run from any foster home.
Appreciate your comments, SurlyMermaid, and hope we are making a difference, but am not sure because she barely communicates with us, we don’t eat meals together, she refuses to attend church.
She will not be on her own at 18, she will still be attending school. She may need a sheltered workshop eventually to earn a living.
heart4home, you are right, this makes no sense. But seems like this is the best idea her mother could come up with,** since the brother earns the living & she is dependent on him.**
I think my plan is to inform her that she can stay another 6 weeks, until the end of school, then return to her mother. Hopefully the advocate can help her work it out with her family. I can’t allow her to use our home as a “base of operations” all summer, in and out as she pleases.
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Actually that little bit of information, really clarifies things a bit more. What a sad situation for the whole family. I’ll say a prayer for all of you. I do agree with the previous poster that cautioned you because with troubled teens, in the day and age that we sadly live in, you do take a gamble by keeping her in your home and put yourself at risk for legal activity if anything should go wrong.
 
Viki63 said:
It will end in 6 weeks because I will provide her with boxes to pack her things in, and help her if necessary, and transport her and her property to her mom’s house, unless the counselor has made another plan. 👍
She is not overtly rude, just mostly uncommunicative. If anyone is using me, I think it is the mother, but that seems to be out of ignorance.
Letting her walk all over me . … I see your point. But really, all we are doing is allowing her to stay in a guest room, and sharing food with her. Her mother has given her money for essentials.
I do appreciate your comments. Just am not sure how to put them into action. Any limit-setting I do is interpreted as meanness. She has said things like, “I know you all hate me.” So I am glad she is in counseling; I believe she needs a lot of help.
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I guess I mean that I could not just let her sullenness and comments go unanswered. I wouldn’t raise my voice or get in an argument about it, but I would still let her know in no uncertain terms that what she is doing is not right. I mean, she is staying in your home ans she could at least communicate even on a superficial level, even children can do that. If she says that you all hate her, how do you answer that? Do you tell her that that is not true of else why would you be allowing her to stay there? or do you just respond that it is not true?

Where is your son in all of this by the way? Does he come over and spend time with her or what?

You are a wo9nderful person to do this. In all honesty, I am not sure I could do it with such grace. May God bless you for your charity and give you peace. 🙂
 
Irishmom2 said:
If she says that you all hate her, how do you answer that? Do you tell her that that is not true of else why would you be allowing her to stay there? or do you just respond that it is not true?

Where is your son in all of this by the way? Does he come over and spend time with her or what?
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Thanks for all of your support.
She did not say she thinks that to me, she told her boyfriend who told me. She will barely sit still to talk to me. She does spend time with him (my son), who is increasingly annoyed with her, I don’t think it’s a healthy relationship.
The school social worker has contacted me and offered to meet with us, which will be helpful. I realized one thing the girl needs is assertiveness training, she only knows being quiet and subservient, or being aggressive. She told me I must hate my son because I turned off his phone. Limit setting is not something she understands at all.
She really needs a therapeutic foster home, which unfortunately is not ours.
 
Hi Viki,
Viki63 said:
She really needs a therapeutic foster home, which unfortunately is not ours.
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First thing to say is that you are doing a fantastic job by just being there for her. Have faith - your home is exactly the right place for her. Trust in God! He gives us no task without assisting us with his limitless grace!

Above all, this girl needs love, and stability. It sounds like she hasn’t been able to experience many (if any) stable relationships in her life. But, you can be that stable relationship. There isn’t going to be a short fix solution. Like our relationship with God, it’ll take time, energy and grace. But slowly, be assured, just as our minds are being remade by God, so her mind will be remade, as she experiences love from you.

I beg of you - let her use your home, always be there for her. She needs this stability and love above anything. I imagine that her ability to form relationships has been ‘messed up’ from a very young age. She wont have developed the normal responses that we learn from our own parents. What I mean is this: when a child calls out, from their very beginning, they start learning about how people respond to them, and they use this as a model for their future relationships.

So, if when a child is distressed, and experiences loves and care, she will learn to expect love when distressed in the future, and therefore learn to respond with love to others who are distressed. However, if the child is responded to sometimes with love, and at other times is ignored, then, she wont know what to expect when she builds relationships in the future, and therefore will find it difficult to respond properly in the future.

It follows that if a child is responded to normally with nothing, or hate, or aggression, this new experience of love ,will be completely new, and she will not know how to act. She’ll have built up bad emotional defences which will stop her opening up, (stop her appearing distressed in the future, for example). This then will become her model for future relationships: she wont open up easily, she wont know how to respond to love, etc.

So, in the case of this girl, depending on how she has been treated, she will react and respond to you differently. It sounds like she has acquired some of the defence mechanisms I mentioned above - being quite and subservient back at home might have allowed her to avoid abuse from her brother, and responding with aggression might have been the ‘common’ response whilst growing up to her needs (therefore, this is how she often responds is some circumstances).

Ah! There’s a lot to read there already. I hope some of what I say is making sense!

I mentioned that you need to allow this girl to use your home in the future - it is vital for her to have this stability and opportunity to experience love, if she is to ‘righten’ her ability to form relationships. (Consequently, some of her difficulties will be being played out in her relationship with your son, but a little on that later…)

Now, I know that you don’t want her to become a poor example to your own girl - without wanting to appear ignorant - I would tentatively suggest you take her aside and thoroughly explain everything: she can become a part of the healing process.

Encourage her to form a good relationship with this girl, whilst always making sure she is not led astray. Encourage her to use this time to go further into the faith, encourage her to question and find answers (Truth fears no question!), and grow spiritually. And, I assure you, your own girl will have no small part in the healing of this other, and indeed, this will equip her wonderfully for bringing peace to others!

I don’t know what rules your son broke - but reconciliation between yourselves is fundamental. Fashion yourself in the image of God - God who tirelessly sought after us: after we broke his law, and who emptied himself, pouring his entire self out for us in love. Above all, calmly consider that we are all ‘rule breakers’, but, by the mercy of God, have been bought back into ‘right relation’ with the divine (righteousness). So let us so mercy, in return!

Talk to him! Communication is the key: love is the most powerful force (for Love is God himself!), but it acts through communication. If your son really knows that you love him, then he will be transformed by that love, just as we are transformed by God’s love. But to know that he is loved, you have to communicate it to him!

God has spent many thousands of years telling us how much he loves us! He became like us - humbling himself, for our sake - and came to us where we were at, in order that we might understand. (And, that is how he remains with us, in the ordinary signs, that demonstrate his extraordinary grace! - The Sacraments!)

Your son too, then can become a part of this healing process – indeed, he, at the moment, is possibly in the best position to do so, as to me it seems like his girlfriend is able to open up, at least somewhat, to him.

The last thing to suggest is that you make sure you have educate yourself in this matter: I recommend Dr. Curt Thompson, M.D’s fantastic book “Anatomy of the Soul” - an incredible synthesis of Christian spirituality and modern medicine’s neuropsychiatrical theory. It will certainly be an interesting read, and should help to illuminate some of the things this poor girl is going through, and why she acts as she does.

Forgive me if I have misread the situation, or have fallen into some blatant error. I’ve not had time to read this over, but I hope not everything I say is foolishness - if something here can help you and this poor dear- Praise God!
 
I registered to share my example. My parents had four children and took in foster kids. One of them was a sullen 12 year old boy. My siblings and I bear the scars of that relationship to this day. I thought I would never understand how people could invite chaos into their home. He devastated us and changed our lives forever.

Flash forward to my late twenties, I was presented with a 10 year old “abused puppy” of a child who would be abandoned without me. I had no children so I took her in. I regret it. I invited chaos into my home. I’ll spare you the details but I am grateful to be alive. My heart was in the right place but my brain was not. I should have put her into the system in the beginning. That is truly where she belonged.

My advice to all parents: protect the children you already have in your home. Let others, with training and less to lose, deal with society’s broken children (and their insane biological families).

If you feel a calling to aide children in need, volunteering with an organization is the way to go. My heart goes out to you.
 
Phil,
thank you for your comments. I appreciate them, as they are similar to thoughts of my own, and I will look for the book you mention.
The situation is a little more complicated than I can put in writing. Ideally, our whole family would be behind this attempt to provide structure and love to this girl. Not the case, however; my daughter won’t speak to her, as she’s insufferably rude by teenage standards. I have talked to my daughter, but she’s just not interested. I will continue to try.
My son, due to his own issues, has been abusive to this girl, as well as toward us. We still love him of course, and tell him so, and invite him over frequently, but will not allow ourselves to be doormats or provide him with money while he refuses to help himself.
We have decided that when school ends she will have to go back to her family. She is working with a counselor who I hope will facilitate that. We can’t allow her to continue to live here while she stays out all night, refuses to say where she’s been, is sexually active, defiant and rude.
We are trying to provide an example of firmness and love, but it’s hard when she won’t talk to us. We pray for her. We cannot be there for her always, as you suggest, as her situation is more serious than we can manage, and her family needs to step up and take some responsibility. We have however managed to get her into counseling and back into school.
 
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