Thank you for your (name removed by moderator)ut. Its interesting that most of you have suggested saying nothing. We considered that that but thought that being upfront with them would be the “right thing to do”. If the situation were reversed, I think I’d want some sort of explanation.
Unfortunately we can’t use the “practicing Catholics” comment because they think they are! They would be offended if we suggested otherwise. We also don’t want to leave the impression that if they start attending mass regularly that we would consider them in the future.
You might want some kind of explanation if you were in their place, but that is like wanting an explanation for why someone refuses to marry you. There isn’t one that is going to give you the answer that will satisfy you, because that answer does not exist, does it?
Just as you do not go around informing people to whom you’ve decided not to propose marriage, you do not go around informing people you’ve not selected to be your child’s godparents. It is rude. It is also rude for anyone to ask why you (or anyone else) was not asked.
That does not mean you will not be asked a question like that. I think I would give the same answer I would give to someone who wanted to know why I married someone else: “When it came time to choose, we reflected and prayed, and the ones we chose seemed the right choice. So that is who we chose.” If you are encouraged to do a compare-and-contrast to explain yourself, do not bite. “Are you asking for us to defend our choice? Please. Let’s not be this way. We chose who we chose; please let this go.” And then, no matter what they do, let it go. You chose who you chose…let that be that.
PS As for the matter of “reciprocation”, you could hardly have said, when you were asked, “This doesn’t mean you’re going to expect to automatically be the godparents of our children, does it?” No. You could never have said such a thing. So do not punish yourself over the chance that your friends have made improper assumptions. This is a lesson, however, about why we ought not tell people we want them as godparents until the child to be baptized has been conceived. Once you’ve asked, there is no graceful way to withdraw the proposal, not unless the ones asked have engaged in some very bad behavior in the meantime. Yet we might find the ones we thought we would want are not right. It is better not to foolishly put someone’s feelings in that kind of danger for nothing.
Also, do not assume that your friends have made improper assumptions when you don’t have evidence for it. You may be wringing your hands over a problem that does not exist. If your friends are the kind who would never be so presumptuous, they might be very offended that you would assume they would be like that! One more reason not to raise the subject with them. But if they do raise the question–“When are you going to ask us to be godparents?” or “Don’t we have to go to classes or something for the baptism?”–then be very gentle with them. “Oh, Mary, I’m so sorry. We asked Tim and Sally to be David’s godparents. We thought about it very carefully, we threw away preconceived expectations and considered everyone, we prayed about it, and they seemed to us to be the right choice. You know you’ll be like a member of the family to David, though, don’t you? You have been such good friends; we would never want to hurt your feelings.”
