How to Turn Down Non-Catholics

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cynicalsarcasm

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Hi guys!

I’m a female in graduate school. As such, I am one of the only Catholics (and one of the only Christians!) around me.

I’ve dated guys who were non-Catholic. I didn’t mind dating my Methodist boyfriend because we agreed with the vast majority of things. However, I’m 24 now. I would like to start heading in the direction of marriage.

The problem that I’m having is that if I tell these boys that want to date me that I am Catholic and only want to date other Catholics, they get all offended as if I am telling them they are not worthy to date me. They ask why I don’t want to have the “experience” of dating them. If I tell them that I wouldn’t want to marry them, they freak out and say that wasn’t even on their radar at all.

Why do people act shocked when you say you don’t want to date them because you wouldn’t marry them? Isn’t that the point of dating?! (Especially at this age.)

I also think that some of these guys are great people. I pity the fact that I am turning them down, because I would have so much fun with them. Is their conflicting faith enough of a reason to not want to date them? I feel like I will be 30 before I end up around more Catholics. I know God has plans, but it just seems as though today, people try convincing me that faith is enough; he doesn’t need to be Catholic. But I feel like I would be kept wanting. Is that bad?

Your advice would be appreciated.
 
Just politely say “no thank you”.

You need not give a reason, nor would a gentleman ask such a question.
 
Well no. Most of the time, these boys are my friends. If I simply turn them down for no reason, they would be incredibly confused and may think that I actually have a problem with them. I feel the need to be upfront.
 
cynicalsarcasm said:
I’m a female in graduate school. As . If I tell them that I wouldn’t want to marry them, they freak out and say that wasn’t even on their radar at all.

Why do people act shocked when you say you don’t want to date them because you wouldn’t marry them? Isn’t that the point of dating?! (Especially at this age.)
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Tell them that marriage is on your radar and that’s precisely the reason you can’t date them. Unfortunately it’s the culture of today…marriage isn’t important anymore and casual relationships are more prevalent.
 
cynicalsarcasm said:
Well no. Most of the time, these boys are my friends. If I simply turn them down for no reason, they would be incredibly confused and may think that I actually have a problem with them. I feel the need to be upfront.
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Saying you don’t think you should be anything other than friends is being upfront. I think you may be confusing friend with acquaintance here. If a guy is a friend of yours which means he has your best interest at heart then no thank you or I would rather remain friends is good enough for them.

I think now is a great time for you to learn that another person’s curiosity or disagreement does not rank above your best interest. You have decided it is in your best interest to date only Catholic young men, don’t let anyone pressure you, guilt you or manipulate you. Set clear boundaries with people.
 
Then everyone sees me as a crazy person if I bring up marriage. It’s so weird! Sorry for whining.
 
Thank you Miss Felicity. Is this what you did?

I also have it in the back of my mind that maybe I’m turning down someone I should be with because he isn’t Catholic. What if I am turning down the best guy in the world that is “meant for me”? How do I know he wouldn’t convert?
 
The issue is life-long compatibility, and yes I believe its reasonable to look for someone with the same religious beliefs as yourself— prior to becoming emotionally invested and hoping things will work out. You’re approaching things rationally, and nowadays most folks want to act impulsively.

As a Catholic, you will want to raise your children in the faith. Dating Catholics provides you a reasonable expectation that you will find a partner you can share the faith with and will raise your children in the faith with you.

It is unreasonable to date folks with the hope or expectation they will convert later. You either accept folks for who they are, or find someone else. There are mixed faith couples who make it work, but it is harder and does involve compromises in a core part of your life.

I do think it is reasonable to avoid getting emotionally involved with someone where you’ve already identified a compatibility issue. Or allowing someone else to get emotionally involved in you. By turning them down now, you are avoiding possible future heartache for them in the future.
 
cynicalsarcasm said:
Thank you Miss Felicity. Is this what you did?

I also have it in the back of my mind that maybe I’m turning down someone I should be with because he isn’t Catholic. What if I am turning down the best guy in the world that is “meant for me”? How do I know he wouldn’t convert?
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Even though the man I intend to marry isn’t Catholic, I have turned men down who I don’t feel are compatible for a variety of reasons. My advice, always assume they won’t convert. I say that because if a spouse does convert, it is awesome and undoubtedly an amazing blessing but if you enter a relationship or marriage with baited breath about the person converting and they do not there will always be that disappointment and sadness. Additionally if you know you want to be married to a Catholic better to find and marry one than pinning your hopes that someone will change. I speak as a convert, coming into the church was not something I could have or would have done for someone else and if someone would have tried to pressure me into or out of the church I doubt the relationship would have been able to survive the resentment.
 
You have discovered some important things, haven’t you?

That many people in modern culture are not interested in marriage, and are not open to life. That many men (and many women) are very much interested in free sex. How much Christianity is in sharp contrast to pagan society. How the modern University culture is institutionally strongly anti-Christian.
 
👍
Miss_Felicity said:
Saying you don’t think you should be anything other than friends is being upfront. I think you may be confusing friend with acquaintance here. If a guy is a friend of yours which means he has your best interest at heart then no thank you or I would rather remain friends is good enough for them.

I think now is a great time for you to learn that another person’s curiosity or disagreement does not rank above your best interest. You have decided it is in your best interest to date only Catholic young men, don’t let anyone pressure you, guilt you or manipulate you. Set clear boundaries with people.
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PaulfromIowa said:
You have discovered some important things, haven’t you?

That many people in modern culture are not interested in marriage, and are not open to life. That many men (and many women) are very much interested in free sex. How much Christianity is in sharp contrast to pagan society. How the modern University culture is institutionally strongly anti-Christian.
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These are some good reasons to stick with just what you are already doing, and look for wait for a Catholic man.

And I wonder, ( I don’t mean to offend you here ) but if your chosen forum name -Cynicalsarcasm- is the way you present yourself in real life, if they may just think that you are being sarcastic when you bring up holding to Catholic morals…which so many of our younger folks-due to the forces of our culture-- find incomprehensible.
 
*In threads like these, it’s important to realize that there are Catholics out there who can date and marry non-Catholics and eventually work them into the faith and converting theme. And then there are Catholics who if they dated someone non-Catholic would be more negatively influenced and drug away from the Faith.
*
The problem that I’m having is that if I tell these boys that want to date me that I am Catholic and only want to date other Catholics, they get all offended as if I am telling them they are not worthy to date me. They ask why I don’t want to have the “experience” of dating them.
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Sometimes, people think it’s “just nice” to give someone a chance just because they ask nicely or something.

They probably think that you have no good reason to at least try, I mean, after all, they aren’t some abuse psychopath but a gentle, educated soul that cares. :rolleyes:

To which I say: SO WHAT!

Simply being “nice” or half-way normal in the head–or even in the same field— isn’t the standard by which people should be choosing their life partners!

It’s a good lesson for them to learn because just asking nicely doesn’t mean you’ll always get your way.
If I tell them that I wouldn’t want to marry them, they freak out and say that wasn’t even on their radar at all.
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Such is the thinking of the secular world. :rolleyes:

Don’t expect others, even some Catholics, to even begin to understand that some cultures and religion actually date for the purpose of marrying instead of getting wasted together and hooking up later.
Why do people act shocked when you say you don’t want to date them because you wouldn’t marry them? Isn’t that the point of dating?! (Especially at this age.)
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One, it’s a technique for some guys to guilt a woman into dating them. :rolleyes: You need to be aware of this kind of manipulation—ie if you’re a different race and don’t want to date the person, then they might insinuate you are racist.

Don’t even waste your time interacting with people like that in a personal manner.

Two, sometimes it’s just a natural reaction. It can be immature and/or very automatic.
I also think that some of these guys are great people. I pity the fact that I am turning them down, because I would have so much fun with them.
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As I alluded to earlier, being a “great” person doesn’t mean you have to try dating them. It’s about being a good match.
Is their conflicting faith enough of a reason to not want to date them? I
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Not to date them?

**Absolutely! **

When I started my second round of graduate school, I knew I wouldn’t be around women who were going to spend 5-10 years in college just to stay home with the kids or even want to have kids and go to Church.

I made the mistake of dating non-Catholics when I was 23-24 and I’m glad those relationships are over because we weren’t good matches for marriages at all!

So, I just wrote off dating girls at grad school and jumped on Catholic Match. I did this because it eliminates the whole battle of figuring out if you’re going to have to fight your spouse on raising the kids Catholic
 
feel like I will be 30 before I end up around more Catholics. I know God has plans, but it just seems as though today, people try convincing me that faith is enough; he doesn’t need to be Catholic.
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You know, I eventually felt the same way. I got tired of dating girls who I thought I would have to drag to Mass or who wanted a career instead of kids because she was more worried about herself or what other people (society) thought.

It may not have been “fair” in the minds of some people, but listen, dating and romance is anything but fair and rarely a smooth ride. It risks heartache and pain. There’s nothing to stop it. You just have to realize it’s part of how life is—or I should say those guys do! 👍

If you do go around dating just to date, yeah, one day you could wake up and be 30 and single minus your youthful looks or with someone you really don’t love deep down. I can already see it with some of my friends and family. There’s some like me who are settled or want to settle and have a family, and there are others who look like they’re going to keep living the same life since they were 19 and even think that life is meant to be one big party.
But I feel like I would be kept wanting. Is that bad?
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None of these feelings you are having are “bad”, and frankly** that REALLY concerns me, because it’s like some of this male self-pitying is rubbing off on you**. I won’t lie when I say that is an epidemic that you’ll have to weather even with some Catholic men, but ultimately we both know you want a man that you will be attracted to, not someone who will soak up pity. 👍

Dating Catholic men from the start will solve a lot of problems for you later on.

You’re at a stage in your life where what you do really starts to count. If you end up with someone you meet in grad school that you aren’t really attracted to or doesn’t respect your faith, you could find yourself divorced or perpetually separated at 35----if you even get to that point, because a priest may not even marry you under certain circumstances, such as the nature of your partner or if he convinces you to live together before marriage.

Because I don’t think you sound like the kind of person who can just kill her Faith for romance. I’ve seen cases where religious men will date more secular girls, but in the end he’s loyal to his faith and his family and just temporarily wanted sex or something different which causes big time issues later in the relationship and it just doesn’t work.

So, it’s good to just be up front and say no.

I’m saying this because these are the kinds of battles and compromises you face by dating secularized men. They’ll probably just keep on wearing you down, which is a terrible, unhealthy way to run a relationship, but you also have to realize that as a woman, you’ll be looking to the guy to lead. It’s just natural.

The bottom line: They can ask you out. You can say no. Telling them no means you have given them their answer. End of story.
 
Just turn a person down as politely as possible. You don’t need to give a reason.

If a guy is persistant and asking why not, tell him something along these lines:

“You want me to give you a bulletpoint list of reasons why I won’t date you like you are some kind of product I need to compare the pros and cons of before deciding if you are right for me? Sorry, I value you more than a mere product. You are a person and a friend, not an object or a product or a service. Likewise, I am a person and a friend, not an argument to be won over. You can’t make me want to date you with reasoning or a sales pitch. So let’s continue to treat each other as friends and people and leave it at that.”
 
cynicalsarcasm said:
Then everyone sees me as a crazy person if I bring up marriage. It’s so weird! Sorry for whining.
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The second date I went on with my husband he interviewed me to be his wife. I reciprocated. We are in our thirties and over all the nutty stuff. I thought it was one of our best dates. 🙂 I knew in that date he was the only person I could ever marry.

We only dated a short time and there are things that I forgot to ask, because at the time I didn’t consider it important. But because we discussed our long term goals and desires for our family, we have had relatively few issues at all.
 
You are just way overthinking this and making it harder than it is.

Just people people share their every passing thought on Twitter and Facebook, that does not mean you have to. It is not anyone’s business why you turn down an offer of a date. Period. Stop “explaining” things.

You owe no explanation beyond, “I’m flattered, but no thank you. I enjoy our friendship as it is”.
 
Desertsilver said:
These are some good reasons to stick with just what you are already doing, and look for wait for a Catholic man.

And I wonder, ( I don’t mean to offend you here ) but if your chosen forum name -Cynicalsarcasm- is the way you present yourself in real life, if they may just think that you are being sarcastic when you bring up holding to Catholic morals…which so many of our younger folks-due to the forces of our culture-- find incomprehensible.
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Okay, so you guys are so much about reading into things it isn’t even funny. I chose this user name because it matches literally every other forum name I have ever had. This way, I can always log into any forum without having to think about what my user name was. It was a quote from a show I used to watch and I liked it because it had no identifiers. Please read content that I post for advice instead of deciding to criticize something that is as basic as a screen name.
 
SuperLuigi said:
You know, I eventually felt the same way. I got tired of dating girls who I thought I would have to drag to Mass or who wanted a career instead of kids because she was more worried about herself or what other people (society) thought.

It may not have been “fair” in the minds of some people, but listen, dating and romance is anything but fair and rarely a smooth ride. It risks heartache and pain. There’s nothing to stop it. You just have to realize it’s part of how life is—or I should say those guys do! 👍

If you do go around dating just to date, yeah, one day you could wake up and be 30 and single minus your youthful looks or with someone you really don’t love deep down. I can already see it with some of my friends and family. There’s some like me who are settled or want to settle and have a family, and there are others who look like they’re going to keep living the same life since they were 19 and even think that life is meant to be one big party.

None of these feelings you are having are “bad”, and frankly** that REALLY concerns me, because it’s like some of this male self-pitying is rubbing off on you**. I won’t lie when I say that is an epidemic that you’ll have to weather even with some Catholic men, but ultimately we both know you want a man that you will be attracted to, not someone who will soak up pity. 👍

Dating Catholic men from the start will solve a lot of problems for you later on.

You’re at a stage in your life where what you do really starts to count. If you end up with someone you meet in grad school that you aren’t really attracted to or doesn’t respect your faith, you could find yourself divorced or perpetually separated at 35----if you even get to that point, because a priest may not even marry you under certain circumstances, such as the nature of your partner or if he convinces you to live together before marriage.

Because I don’t think you sound like the kind of person who can just kill her Faith for romance. I’ve seen cases where religious men will date more secular girls, but in the end he’s loyal to his faith and his family and just temporarily wanted sex or something different which causes big time issues later in the relationship and it just doesn’t work.

So, it’s good to just be up front and say no.

I’m saying this because these are the kinds of battles and compromises you face by dating secularized men. They’ll probably just keep on wearing you down, which is a terrible, unhealthy way to run a relationship, but you also have to realize that as a woman, you’ll be looking to the guy to lead. It’s just natural.

The bottom line: They can ask you out. You can say no. Telling them no means you have given them their answer. End of story.
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Thank you! I appreciate your (name removed by moderator)ut!
 
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