How to Turn Down Non-Catholics

[holyrood]

Is it enough of a reason?

I have very mixed feelings about this.

My grandfather went out of his way to marry a Catholic woman. It was a horrible marriage, as far as I can tell, that has dumped its dysfunction on the following generations. Simply put, she wasn’t a very nice person, no matter what faith she claimed to practice.

I was married to a Catholic, and he lied, cheated, and engaged in verbal, emotional, and near physical abuse. He was tearing down my faith and relationship with God, as much as he was capable of doing so. My ‘good Catholic’ parents are an alcoholic/codependent who would have driven me far from the faith, had I based my beliefs on their behavior.

By contrast, I currently see someone who isn’t Christian at all, but he encourages me to live my Catholic faith every step of the way, to pray, go to church, confession, Perpetual Adoration.

All things being equal, yes, I’d like to marry a Catholic. But all things are not always equal. Marriage, so I understand from the catechism, is a union of two people who work to bring each other closer to God and salvation. Sometimes, it’s not the fellow Catholic who does that.

 

[crenfro]

I also have it in the back of my mind that maybe I’m turning down someone I should be with because he isn’t Catholic. What if I am turning down the best guy in the world that is “meant for me”? How do I know he wouldn’t convert?

Hello. My two cents … :twocents:

He will convert if he loves you.

Have you ever read The ABC’s of Finding a Good Husband by Steve Wood?

I married an atheist/agnostic before I experienced a reconversion in my faith and there isn’t a Sunday that goes by that I wish he’d go to Mass with me. He is a great guy.

But don’t compromise your faith. And I know that’s easier said than done. How important is your own salvation to you?

Also, sometimes it’s how you say something than what you’re saying when you talk about only marrying someone who’s in agreement with your faith.

Placing you in the enclosed garden of the most sacred heart of Our Blessed Virgin Mary for protection from all evils. Will also keep you in my prayers.:hug3:

 

[EasterJoy]

Well no. Most of the time, these boys are my friends. If I simply turn them down for no reason, they would be incredibly confused and may think that I actually have a problem with them. I feel the need to be upfront.

They might be incredibly disappointed, but don’t try to explain a rejection. It never goes well. Just say that not every great guy is the right guy, and you’re trusting your intuition on that. Nobody can disprove intuition, and it is almost by definition something that cannot be explained.

With friends, actually, you can say, “sorry, but if any of my friends ever talk me into dating, I’ll be really surprised. It is too easy for dating to ruin a friendship.”

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

I married an atheist/agnostic before I experienced a reconversion in my faith and there isn’t a Sunday that goes by that I wish he’d go to Mass with me. He is a great guy.

This is *exactly *my situation as well.

I think that a person who is serious about their faith has no business dating outside that faith. It is just too frustrating and hard and lonely. Yeah, I know about those success stories of the spouse converting that are shared here, but I think there are many more stories shared where this difference in religion is a serious problem. I really wouldn’t waste time if I were you and would pray for a spouse that God wants for you. Patience and trust are crucial. God bless.

 

[EasterJoy]

“I’m flattered, but no thank you. I enjoy our friendship as it is”.

OP, you won’t do better than this. If it is questioned, you say “I think I just said…” and repeat. Repeat. Repeat. You can eventually switch to “what was unclear about…”, if they’re really dense. Stick to your guns, there is nothing to be gained by doing anything else. If they say “well, I don’t want to be just friends”, you only say “it’s unfortunate you feel that way, but I understand. I hope you find the person you’re looking for.” Then go on to another topic.

 

[mexolic]

Tell them that marriage is on your radar and that’s precisely the reason you can’t date them.

Explain to them that your reasons for wanting to date a Catholic are to do with matrimony. Honestly, I don’t think your non-Catholic male friends would understand. They probably see it as it’s only a date, what’s the big deal? Let them know that you do value their friendship and hope that they respect your decision.

 

[Havard]

They ask why I don’t want to have the “experience” of dating them.

I got a good laugh at this. I’m a confident guy, and I haven’t been rejected much in my dating adventures, but it strikes me as comically presumptuous to question someone else’s rejection of me as being a bad decision for them.

 

[Rau]

OP

A few questions arise:

1). Does every outing with a boy have to be undertaken with a view to discerning marriage?
2). Do you need to take the decision now that you will NOT marry a person not a catholic?

Clearly, there does come a time when marriage is very much the focus, for example to continue a relationship that has become close and exclusive after the point at which you’ve concluded you would not marry, is inappropriate. But there is something to be said for enjoying the one on one company of a range of people. It is both enjoyable and a learning, growing experience.

I would not rule out absolutely a non-catholic from your dating prospects. With experience and closer contact, the consequences of their circumstances may become clearer to you, and you conclude it’s not a relationship that will like work. On the other hand you may find that while they don’t bear the catholic “badge”, they share far more of the substance than you’d have expected. They may even genuinely aspire to the “badge”. Of course, it would be perfectly sensible also to be active in seeking out catholic friends. That’s a benefit of a catholic high school or parish youth group.

 

[Rau]

Is it enough of a reason?

I have very mixed feelings about this.

My grandfather went out of his way to marry a Catholic woman. It was a horrible marriage, as far as I can tell, that has dumped its dysfunction on the following generations. Simply put, she wasn’t a very nice person, no matter what faith she claimed to practice.

I was married to a Catholic, and he lied, cheated, and engaged in verbal, emotional, and near physical abuse. He was tearing down my faith and relationship with God, as much as he was capable of doing so. My ‘good Catholic’ parents are an alcoholic/codependent who would have driven me far from the faith, had I based my beliefs on their behavior.

By contrast, I currently see someone who isn’t Christian at all, but he encourages me to live my Catholic faith every step of the way, to pray, go to church, confession, Perpetual Adoration.

All things being equal, yes, I’d like to marry a Catholic. But all things are not always equal. Marriage, so I understand from the catechism, is a union of two people who work to bring each other closer to God and salvation. Sometimes, it’s not the fellow Catholic who does that.

I suggest the moral of this story is that a spouse being catholic is neither necessary nor sufficient for a good marriage. The first hurdle you need a spouse to cross is to be a good person. It just happens that that cannot be as quickly assessed as the “yes/no” issue of “are you a catholic”. The fact that that answer is so readily available suggests that it alone may not be as helpful in discernment as you think.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

This is *exactly *my situation as well.

I think that a person who is serious about their faith has no business dating outside that faith. It is just too frustrating and hard and lonely. Yeah, I know about those success stories of the spouse converting that are shared here, but I think there are many more stories shared where this difference in religion is a serious problem. I really wouldn’t waste time if I were you and would pray for a spouse that God wants for you. Patience and trust are crucial. God bless.

There are lots of success stories on here about people who are married to spouses who don’t convert too.

I agree that an interfaith marriage is hard. At the time that I met my husband I was open to dating religious men, but I knew that it wouldn’t be easy. Now that I’ve gotten a bit older and I know myself better, if I were thrust out into the dating pool I would definitely look for a fellow nonbeliever, but if I got to know a religious man that I really clicked with and we would somehow be able to reconcile our differences or at least come to some agreements, I could see myself marrying him.

The way I see it, if it works, than it isn’t a waste of time. You just have to be more careful and move more slowly as you build your relationship. There are several posters on here who are in long term marriages with non Catholics who wouldn’t trade their spouses for anything-even a Catholic spouse. I can’t discount those or tell other people that even attempting is foolish or a waste.

 

[Book_Worm]

Hello. My two cents … :twocents:

He will convert if he loves you.

:

What? You think it would be a good idea to marry someone who is so lukewarm about his beliefs that he would change them to make you happy? I’d worry about his ability to commit to anything, especially me.

Said by a staunchly practicing Catholic who married a Methodist who converted because God moved his heart, not to make me happy.

 

[EasterJoy]

OP

A few questions arise:

1). Does every outing with a boy have to be undertaken with a view to discerning marriage?
2). Do you need to take the decision now that you will NOT marry a person not a catholic?

Clearly, there does come a time when marriage is very much the focus, for example to continue a relationship that has become close and exclusive after the point at which you’ve concluded you would not marry, is inappropriate. But there is something to be said for enjoying the one on one company of a range of people. It is both enjoyable and a learning, growing experience.

I would not rule out absolutely a non-catholic from your dating prospects. With experience and closer contact, the consequences of their circumstances may become clearer to you, and you conclude it’s not a relationship that will like work. On the other hand you may find that while they don’t bear the catholic “badge”, they share far more of the substance than you’d have expected. They may even genuinely aspire to the “badge”. Of course, it would be perfectly sensible also to be active in seeking out catholic friends. That’s a benefit of a catholic high school or parish youth group.

There is always a chance that some non-Catholic will convince her to make an exception to her rule without even knowing she HAS a rule. The question is how to turn down non-Catholics who do not incline her in that direction. The correct answer is to turn them down like anyone else: no thank you.

Date the sort of person you think you might marry. Saying “you are not my type” doesn’t get easier after several dates.

 

[Adamski]

Hi guys!

I’m a female in graduate school. As such, I am one of the only Catholics (and one of the only Christians!) around me.

I’ve dated guys who were non-Catholic. I didn’t mind dating my Methodist boyfriend because we agreed with the vast majority of things. However, I’m 24 now. I would like to start heading in the direction of marriage.

The problem that I’m having is that if I tell these boys that want to date me that I am Catholic and only want to date other Catholics, they get all offended as if I am telling them they are not worthy to date me. They ask why I don’t want to have the “experience” of dating them. If I tell them that I wouldn’t want to marry them, they freak out and say that wasn’t even on their radar at all.

Why do people act shocked when you say you don’t want to date them because you wouldn’t marry them? Isn’t that the point of dating?! (Especially at this age.)

I also think that some of these guys are great people. I pity the fact that I am turning them down, because I would have so much fun with them. Is their conflicting faith enough of a reason to not want to date them? I feel like I will be 30 before I end up around more Catholics. I know God has plans, but it just seems as though today, people try convincing me that faith is enough; he doesn’t need to be Catholic. But I feel like I would be kept wanting. Is that bad?

Your advice would be appreciated.

Long story short get involved in a number of catholic activities and start surrounding yourself with Catholics that live their faith.

 

[Adamski]

I live an hour away from a big city that isn’t very catholic and I can literally find a catholic event 7 days a week at some parish that works for me if I wanted not including mass

 

[Rau]

There is always a chance that some non-Catholic will convince her to make an exception to her rule without even knowing she HAS a rule. The question is how to turn down non-Catholics who do not incline her in that direction. The correct answer is to turn them down like anyone else: no thank you.

Date the sort of person you think you might marry. Saying “you are not my type” doesn’t get easier after several dates.

It is clear that dating a non-Catholic may result in a desire to marry that person. And if the OP is steadfastly of the view that that outcome is to be avoided, then she should only date Catholics, and make that a primary filter. *

Good advice has been provided already on how to decline invitations politely. That some of her acquaintances / friends may become a little perplexed over her apparent “non-availability” for a date, and speculate on her reasons, is unavoidable.*

 

[EasterJoy]

It is clear that dating a non-Catholic may result in a desire to marry that person. And if the OP is steadfastly of the view that that outcome is to be avoided, then she should only date Catholics, and make that a primary filter. *

Good advice has been provided already on how to decline invitations politely. That some of her acquaintances / friends may become a little perplexed over her apparent “non-availability” for a date, and speculate on her reasons, is unavoidable.*

Yes. They can ask for answers, and probably will. She is wise to demure.

 

[on_the_hill]

Maybe it’s already been posted: You could just say, or convey somehow, that you’re interested in developing a long term relationship. You don’t have to call it marriage, and you don’t have to define it based on religion.

It seems like the guys aren’t interested in long term relationships, so that ought to put them off without coming across as judging them based on religious beliefs.

 

[crenfro]

What? You think it would be a good idea to marry someone who is so lukewarm about his beliefs that he would change them to make you happy? I’d worry about his ability to commit to anything, especially me.

Said by a staunchly practicing Catholic who married a Methodist who converted because God moved his heart, not to make me happy.

Hello.

What I said in my post was only my opinion. You don’t have to agree with it. I was only weighing in with my two cents, not Catholic dogma. I apologize if I’ve offended you.

Many blessings.

 

[Magickman]

Through the cernturies and millenia, I have been turned down for dates by a multitude of women. It is no big deal.

The sea is full of fish, and many are sharks, so be careful.

Searching for a life partner can be very challenging. Perseverence is required.

GOOD LUCK!

 

[lutheran_farmer]

Maybe you don’t always need to turn them down. On my side of the family, at least two partners converted to marry (one took, one didn’t). My husband has a similar background in his ancestry. I think our ancestors doubled the number of Catholics on our family by doing that.

My husband even joined my church to marry me. And now, we are doing RCIA together.