How would you feel?

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I have a good friend who lives in a foreign country. For the past so many years, I always contact her with international calls to keep up our friendship. Since my monthly phone payment includes all international calls, I don’t mind. Whenever she comes to States, she will call me. That is fine. What always bothers me is almost every phone conversation falls into exact same form: she keeps on telling me things happened around her and never asks about my situation. I have to grab opportunity to tell her about things I want to share. If I don’t say anything, she will not ask, not even “how are you doing?” Once I was so frustrated and brought up my concern. Things seemed to be a little better, then quickly fall back to the same norm. She does not know how to use email. If I don’t call her, we will lose in touch. But I feel so frustrated sometimes. Just want to see how you will handle things like this. I guess I have always unconditionally loved her. But right now I feel so weak.
 
PTL said:
I have a good friend who lives in a foreign country. For the past so many years, I always contact her with international calls to keep up our friendship. Since my monthly phone payment includes all international calls, I don’t mind. Whenever she comes to States, she will call me. That is fine. What always bothers me is almost every phone conversation falls into exact same form: she keeps on telling me things happened around her and never asks about my situation. I have to grab opportunity to tell her about things I want to share. If I don’t say anything, she will not ask, not even “how are you doing?” Once I was so frustrated and brought up my concern. Things seemed to be a little better, then quickly fall back to the same norm. She does not know how to use email. If I don’t call her, we will lose in touch. But I feel so frustrated sometimes. Just want to see how you will handle things like this. I guess I have always unconditionally loved her. But right now I feel so weak.
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I’m sorry she doesn’t ask you about your health and what’s going on in your life. One could make the excuse that she is trying to tell you everything in as short a time as possible so as not to forget anything, since you are paying for the call. And then maybe she is just not so considerate as she might be in person. Since she can’t use email, why not use the old fashioned paper and pen. Write her a long letter all about you and what’s important to you that she hasn’t asked about. If she’s not a writer (Oh, how I love to get a letter, but am not so great about writing one.), when next you call her, she will at least be up to date on your life.

I know it can be hurtful when the balance of friendship seems lopsided.

God bless you. (edited for grammar)
 
That does sound frustrating. I think some people have difficulty stopping to listen every once in a while. I’m generally much more interested in listening to other people talk about themselves than I am in talking myself, but – as the country song goes – occassionally, I want to talk about me! 😉 I think that’s natural. Friendships tend not to work so well when they’re so one-sided.

I think Patti’s suggestion of writing a letter is a good one. If it were me, I might consider bringing it up again at some point and saying how you were so happy that things got better after you last brought it up, but you have noticed that things are slipping back into old patterns. That things improved for a bit shows that she at least cared to make an effort, even if she didn’t stick with it. Listening can be hard for some people.
 
I got a brother like that. I love him. He loves me too, but I guess he´s ensecure. God bless.👍👍👍
 
Sounds like a one way friendship to me, with you footing the phone bills. Since she seems to only want to talk about herself, I would wait and let her pay for the next call. 😊
 
Thanks for your kind response and suggestions. The problem is she is always so busy with her business, I don’t think she will have the time and patience to read a hand written letter. Our phone conversation usually lasts for an hour or so. She talks the majority of the whole time. Some times I would say, “Wait, before you go on, I have something to tell you.” But as soon as I finished, she went back to talk her things without much response to what I said. And she is always the one to say “I have to go.” She has lot of business troubles and she always talks about her troubles. I listen to her all the time, and numerous times after hanging up, I did not have any chance to share anything.

I have been handling like this all the years, thinking I should be a good friend and give her my support. I guess our last night’s conversation specially frustrates me. No, she never asks about my health. And I have gone through lot of physical pains and I told her that. Any problem I worry about and squeezed in to tell her, she never asks the next time I call her. I know she considers me as her precious friend, but I just feel very frustrated, hurt. I don’t know I will bring up this communication issue again. I am just thinking not calling her for a while. Thanks for listening. It helps when someone listens.
 
To be honest, you have to admit it’s not really a friendship. You’re just volunteering to be an audience for her as she blissfully talks about herself, to herself. And she gives no sign she is even aware of how lopsided the situation is. Not even a hint she is just smothering you with zero give-and-take, not even an “I’m sorry I’m dominating the conversation with my issues”. You are trapped because you think you’re being nice by letting her do that to you. It must be something in the way you were treated as a child. It always is! LOL

Listen, my friends and I know all about this sort of situation. We even have jokes about it. “What’s your favorite letter of the alphabet?” “The letter I.” LOL “Well enough about you, let me tell you about me!” LOL “What was your favorite Christmas gift as a child?” “A microphone!” ROTFL and so on.

The simplest way to let this dead-end relationship die a natural death (and it’s just walking-dead, trust me) is to just not call her, ever, again. I don’t mean never talk to her; I mean you never do the calling. If the relationship means anything to her, she will call you. That’s a great test whenever you’re unsure about if you mean anything to someone. No, she does not consider you a precious friend. I would *never *treat a precious friend the way she treats you. Would you? Of course not.

A couple words about second thoughts. You will think you’re being mean to her by not calling her. That’s because you think that volunteering yourself to be used equals being nice. It does not. Obviously. Which of your friends do you use? None. Also, you may come to see her as just a lonely person who needs someone to talk to, and out of pity you will be tempted to keep letting her do this to you. Well think about it. Treat her the way you want to be treated. If you were lonely and self-centered, would you want a team of listeners who will pay international rates to listen to you talk about yourself without contributing to the conversation? To put it bluntly, if you really want to do the charitable thing, ask yourself: When was the last time you heard that you can cure your own loneliness by smothering other people?

At the same time, think about non-self-centered people who are lonely and need someone to talk to. Think about how they are different from this lady. How do they get the consolation they need without taking advantage of other people’s tendency to victimize themselves? If you answered, “They sign up for tango lessons”, then you’re right.

One more thing. Wanna make a bet that you are *not *the only person she does this to? Think about that before you imagine you’re somehow special to her. You’re not, and her behavior screams it.

Love,

Diana
 
Thanks for more responses. The truth is we were friend from college. She is my daughter’s God mother. We have long years of relationship and when we were together, she was not like that. I guess it is different when you are face to face v.s. talking on the phone. I honestly does not think she is taking advantage of me, she is focusing on herself, that is true.

Diana, you made a good point by saying if the relationship is important, she will call me, or contact me in some way. That is what I am thinking - stop calling her for a long while. I am striving to love, to have patience, to comfort, not seek to be comforted, to understand not to be understood … But I have my human emotions to deal with. I think she takes our communication format for granted. I feel sad. Like I mentioned, we have a life time relationship…
 
PTL said:
Thanks for your kind response and suggestions. The problem is she is always so busy with her business,** I don’t think she will have the time and patience to read a hand written letter.** Our phone conversation usually lasts for an hour or so. She talks the majority of the whole time. Some times I would say, “Wait, before you go on, I have something to tell you.” But as soon as I finished, she went back to talk her things without much response to what I said. And she is always the one to say “I have to go.” She has lot of business troubles and she always talks about her troubles. I listen to her all the time, and numerous times after hanging up, I did not have any chance to share anything.

I have been handling like this all the years, thinking I should be a good friend and give her my support. I guess our last night’s conversation specially frustrates me. No, she never asks about my health. And I have gone through lot of physical pains and I told her that. Any problem I worry about and squeezed in to tell her, she never asks the next time I call her. I know she considers me as her precious friend, but I just feel very frustrated, hurt. I don’t know I will bring up this communication issue again. I am just thinking not calling her for a while. Thanks for listening. It helps when someone listens.
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If a so-called friend would not have the time or patience to read a letter then there is a real problem with her.
Why don’t you at least try sending a letter first to test the waters.
 
I noticed that on the one hand you complained your friend dominates your conversations … and on the other hand you say you’ve been trying to love and to have patience, etc. … I see a pattern right there, don’t you, PTL?
 
thistle said:
If a so-called friend would not have the time or patience to read a letter then there is a real problem with her.
Why don’t you at least try sending a letter first to test the waters.
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Ok, I may just do so after waiting for a while. Thanks.
 
DianaCC said:
I noticed that on the one hand you complained your friend dominates your conversations … and on the other hand you say you’ve been trying to love and to have patience, etc. … I see a pattern right there, don’t you, PTL?
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You are right. I always strive to love, to be patient, to be understanding. And I always feel the conversation is dominated. That leads to my frustrated feelings to write this thread.
 
how would I feel? nothing that impacts my spirituality, merely that I happen to have a friend who is entirely self-absorbed and has no interest in me and my life. Either I will remain someone with whom she can carry on a one-sided conversation, or I will gradually allow the friendship to wane.
 
puzzleannie said:
how would I feel? nothing that impacts my spirituality, merely that I happen to have a friend who is entirely self-absorbed and has no interest in me and my life. Either I will remain someone with whom she can carry on a one-sided conversation, or I will gradually allow the friendship to wane.
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I think this really hits the point. I’m not sure if it’s a sincere lack of interest or more a lack of manners, but she is obviously focused on her problems. Yes, it is entirely up to you whether to continue this relationship – if you do, just modify your expectations about the conversations.

There have been times in my life when I was so focused on my own problems it was actually difficult to put them aside to here about somebody else’s situation, even when I wanted to. My spiritual director and psychiatrist both advised me to indulge in some comedy. Strangely enough, it really did help. This isn’t advice to PTL, but just something that helped me when I was in the friend’s situation.

As far as the international calls, if I understand the OP correctly, the calls aren’t actually costing anything except time. Some plans that include unlimited domestic long distance also include international.

Alan
 
Thanks to you all. It is correct that my international call does not cost me extra. It is included in the plan. With the monthly fee, I can make any international call or long distance call without limit, without paying extra. Talking to you guys here helps to ease my frustration. It really does.

I know she is not lack of sincere interest, but she is so deep in her problems. I have been wanting to tell her that her focus on her business and problems gave me a feeling that she has no room to care about anything or anyone else. Maybe in the future I will let her know.
That is also one step to work on this relationship. Like I said, this relationship has lasted a life time till now. It is not likely to be terminated, but I will not call for a while to see what will happen, like several of you suggested.

As for my spirituality, no, it does not hurt my spirituality, I think striving for loving, understanding, and tolerating is a good spiritual effort. But like any relationship, to make it meaningful, it takes mutual work. Sometimes it is not easy. I feel disappointed about the undeniable fact that this relationship is not what I hoped for but what I am used to.
 
PTL said:
It is not likely to be terminated, but I will not call for a while to see what will happen, like several of you suggested.

As for my spirituality, no, it does not hurt my spirituality, I think striving for loving, understanding, and tolerating is a good spiritual effort. But like any relationship, to make it meaningful, it takes mutual work. Sometimes it is not easy. I feel disappointed about the undeniable fact that this relationship is not what I hoped for but what I am used to.
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I like your outlook on this. I’m wondering if she treats you like that, if she has any other friends who can stand to listen to her. You may not have the relationship you want, but since you plan to continue it, IMO listening to her and consoling her is a spiritual act of mercy. You may be all she has. It can be rough to listen to others go on and on, even if they are good friends.

One thing I learned in training classes when I used to answer the Youth Crisis Hotline here in Wichita, is the difference between sympathy and empathy. Sympathy is feeling sorry for someone; empathy is more like understanding their predicament and how they feel about it. To show empathy, it’s basically like “active listening.” IOW, when she says this or that happened, see if you can guess how it makes her feel and ask her, for example, “so I suppose that made you feel lonely/scared/frustrated or whatever,” and that opens her up to knowing that you “felt her pain.” Most of the time you can’t really solve others’ problems over the phone, but it can be life-changing for some people – especially when they have troubled families – to feel like they’ve truly been heard.

I’m not particularly fond of just asking, “so how does that make you feel?” like the old stereotype jokes about psychologist, because saying that doesn’t require listening and even though they might open up, it seems to me it just doesn’t make the same connection. Many times when talking to kids, they may tell me a story that sounds like it’s about being scared, and others may have heard the story and also thought that, but when I ask, “so were you scared when that happened?” they might say, “no, not really. It’s more like I feel like this/that person was insensitive to me.” It can be very helpful to help a person express their true feelings on it, and by asking them such questions it can give them a starting point.

So yeah, in a way your friend may suffer from being oblivious to your concerns, but as long as you are on the phone with her anyway maybe you can help her work through some of these things in a way that people who are physically closer to her (and probably sick of hearing her junk) have not done.

Maybe you do this already. Again, I applaud you for not giving up on her even though it’s unpleasant and doesn’t seem to have any benefit to you at this time. Of course we can only take so much so if it is toxic to you then you might have to do what you have to do for your own sanity.
Luke 14:12-14:
Then he said to the host who invited him, “When you hold a lunch or a dinner, do not invite your friends or your brothers or your relatives or your wealthy neighbors, in case they may invite you back and you have repayment. Rather, when you hold a banquet, invite the poor, the crippled, the lame, the blind; blessed indeed will you be because of their inability to repay you. For you will be repaid at the resurrection of the righteous.”
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Alan
 
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