How would you handle this situation?

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AnneElizabeth

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I met this person a few months ago and so we are not far along in our friendship, but every time I go over to her house she berates and puts down her husband constantly in front of me. I feel very uncomfortable when she does this as I don’t feel she should be treating him like that. I don’t know them that well, but even if there were problems on his side, I don’t believe this type of behavior is warranted.

An example of this behavior is that she usually ‘reminds’ him in a stern and demanding way to do the dishes or clean up some area of the house- something like how a mommy might relate to her little boy-repremanding. It seems like she wants to shame him in front of me. It makes me feel embarrassed and uncomfortable for him and also embarrassed and uncomfortable to be friends with her as I feel that this behavior is totally unwarranted. I feel badly not saying something in his defense, but I just sort of met these people and I also have sensed early on from things she has said to me that there is possible trouble in the young marriage. Frankly, I don’t want to know as its none of my business.

I just don’t know how to handle things from here. I’ve been thinking about ending the friendship because I’m not so sure I can trust her to be a good friend if she treats her significant other like this. The other side of the story is that I can tell she is very stressed in other matters of her life right now, so it could just be those factors weighing in. It still doesn’t excuse her behavior, but it points to possible explanatoin… I understand that when people are stressed they can be mean and not realize how they come across. I’m sure everyone, if they are honest, can point to a time which they acted as such too because of unyeilding stress.

Do you think its wrong of me to end the friendship? Or should I trust my gut? She has already shown a bit of passive aggressive behavior with me and also was controlling of me in little ways. The last time we talked she seemed upset with me even though I’ve searched over what I’ve said and done to see if I said something offensive but could think of nothing.
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I feel badly for her and her husband and wish them the best but I think I don't really want to be around someone who does this. I feel like if I don't say something I am ok'ing her behavior, but if I bring it up - kindly that is-, I have the feeling there is going to be serious lash back from her.  Its also possible this is just a phase she is going through. She has stated she has given up on Christianity...  another reason why I'm not so sure I want to be friends with her, but I'm not really believing she means what she says when she says that.

 Has anyone else ever encountered this type of behavior before and if so, how do you handle it?  Is ending a possible friendship over something like this a good idea, or should I just keep the friendship and be watchful of these tendancies?   I don't' want to 'nit pick' nor do I want to place myself in situations where I might get hurt, abused, or used.      I'd be grateful for some advice.
 
I’d end the friendship, because it doesn’t sound healthy. The sooner the better.
 
There is a whole group of women who act like this toward their DH- from simply always complaining about them when the DH isn’t present, to demeaning them when company is over.

I don’t keep friendships with women like this. If they ask why, I tell them.
 
I would terminate the friendship immediately. Good luck and God bless you!
 
I have been in this exact same situation and I chose to end the friendship. When she confronted me, I told her why. Since then she has been derating ME in public, but over time other friends have taken my side and she seems to have made a change in her life.
It’s not an easy thing to do but abuse is abuse no matter how you slice it.
 
She sounds like she is probably not a safe person to be close to and that she could be a “toxic” person. Toxic people are negative and cannot develop healthy relationships. They do not understand healthy boundaries.

Her husband has definitely not set healthy boundaries with his wife and your new friend does not respect her husband or his right to boundaries.

I would exit.
 
I agree with the others - trust your gut or the Holy Spirit!

She is degrading her husband in front of a relative stranger, that’s blatant disrespect. You’re right to be concerned for their marriage. But you don’t have to witness it. Just start to fade out of the friendship. Be busy when she calls. Be unavailable. You don’t owe her an explanation, although out of charity, you might choose to tell the truth (but be prepared for consequences like a backlash).

“Frankly, Jane, I don’t want to be around you when you are so nasty toward your husband in front of me. You may not even realize it, but you speak to him in such a tone of hostility that I can’t help but feel sorry for him. I’m left feeling so sad for both of you that I just choose not to be in your company at this time. I think you need some counseling.”

And then expect this.

:slapfight::nunchuk::stretcher:
 
I have learnt the hard way that when I give a new friend the benefit of the doubt, a few years later I am in a situation where I am the target of the abuse and can get out. End the friendship. There is no need to go over to that person’s house

Angie
 
Anglewannabe said:
I have learnt the hard way that when I give a new friend the benefit of the doubt, a few years later I am in a situation where I am the target of the abuse and can get out. End the friendship. There is no need to go over to that person’s house

Angie
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Very hard call to make from the outside. Obviously your friend is carrying emotional wounds that causes her to act in the way she does. Maybe you could tell he that she doesn’t seem to be very happy person and ask her if there is a problem you could help her with. Maybe this would open an avenue for you to help . Often when someone has rejected Christianity it is because they are mad at God and want to get back at Him for some perceived wrong they attribute to Him.
 
TheRealJuliane said:
I agree with the others - trust your gut or the Holy Spirit!

She is degrading her husband in front of a relative stranger, that’s blatant disrespect. You’re right to be concerned for their marriage. But you don’t have to witness it. Just start to fade out of the friendship. Be busy when she calls. Be unavailable. You don’t owe her an explanation, although out of charity, you might choose to tell the truth (but be prepared for consequences like a backlash).

“Frankly, Jane, I don’t want to be around you when you are so nasty toward your husband in front of me. You may not even realize it, but you speak to him in such a tone of hostility that I can’t help but feel sorry for him. I’m left feeling so sad for both of you that I just choose not to be in your company at this time. I think you need some counseling.”

And then expect this.

:slapfight::nunchuk::stretcher:
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If she’s a new friend IMO I wouldn’t even bother with the explanation…I would exit stage right 🙂
 
Anglewannabe said:
I have learnt the hard way that when I give a new friend the benefit of the doubt, a few years later I am in a situation where I am the target of the abuse and can get out. End the friendship. There is no need to go over to that person’s house

Angie
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I’m with ya sister…I see red flags that bite me in the butt 2 years later!
 
You could give her some benefit of doubt as to the reason for such behavior. From a distance.
I am desperately trying to get out of a similar circumstance. They do it to each other, and he has attempted it with me. And because I did not react as he wanted, he is very angry all the time and now accuses me of incredibly unfounded stupidities. There are either problems that started this behavior recently in your friend’s situation, or this is how it has always been. Either way, not good. Trust that Someone is telling you to walk away. In my situation, I will not say anything as to why, because I do not trust him at all, especially with his anger. I intend to keep a distance equivilent to a restraining order. And pray for them both.
Just my thought…
Blessings
 
I agree with the others. You have already given her the benefit of the doubt. Put yourself in her place. Under the best of circumstance, once you got through that “phase” you’d have no trouble realizing how you drove away a new acquaintance through your behavior, and you wouldn’t blame her…that is, if you were the kind of person who had deserved the benefit of the doubt, but kept up the bad behavior longer than you’d expect a reasonable person to stick around. You might even be glad that this person didn’t give you more chances to humiliate your poor husband than she did.

If this is someone who doesn’t deserve the benefit of the doubt because she is simply showing you her true colors, it is also better for everyone if you bow out quietly, but without delay.
 
Thanks Easter Joy,

Are you saying because she has not changed her behavior that she does not deserve the benefit of the doubt?

I guess that is how I see it… and one of the red flags (that I forgot to mention) is that I had not heard her ever apologize for the behavior afterwards or show remorse. If she were to do that, then maybe I’d understand that this was just an emotional upheaval due to stress.

There was another behavior too that disturbed me- We were shopping for clothes and the attendant at the store got really chatty with us - you know how they do since sometimes they haven’t had anyone come in for a while and so they are happy to have someone to chat with. Well, she just seemed really irritated with it and walked off while the attendant was talking to us mid sentence- no “ok goodbye” or no “ok thanks” or even a “hey, we have to go, please excuse us”… she just turned her head away and walked out… ignoring the fact that the attendant was still talking to her. I was really shocked. To be honest the attendant was somewhat boring to listen to but I would never do what she did to someone- its obvious the woman was just wanting to chat and its always possible that a person- if they wanted- could always opt out of the conversation politely. But this new friend, I could tell she was annoyed with how much time this lady was taking talking with us but she must have felt it was ok to treat her like garbage. I really felt embarrassed about that behavior… but like a fool ignored it.

I really did not expect her to turn out to be like this. I’m actually really shocked and saddened by it. I’m not wanting this friendship but am worried for her, worried that I might be too picky or that she needs help. I’m wondering why I did not see this before from the start? Maybe there is something wrong with me?!! I feel sorry for her.

I don’t want to have a friend to ‘fix’ either. I can’t do that. Tried years ago and that went badly for me. I really just want to have Christian friends too.
 
AnneElizabeth said:
Thanks Easter Joy,

Are you saying because she has not changed her behavior that she does not deserve the benefit of the doubt?

I guess that is how I see it… and one of the red flags (that I forgot to mention) is that I had not heard her ever apologize for the behavior afterwards or show remorse. If she were to do that, then maybe I’d understand that this was just an emotional upheaval due to stress.

There was another behavior too that disturbed me- We were shopping for clothes and the attendant at the store got really chatty with us - you know how they do since sometimes they haven’t had anyone come in for a while and so they are happy to have someone to chat with. Well, she just seemed really irritated with it and walked off while the attendant was talking to us mid sentence- no “ok goodbye” or no “ok thanks” or even a “hey, we have to go, please excuse us”… she just turned her head away and walked out… ignoring the fact that the attendant was still talking to her. I was really shocked. To be honest the attendant was somewhat boring to listen to but I would never do what she did to someone- its obvious the woman was just wanting to chat and its always possible that a person- if they wanted- could always opt out of the conversation politely. But this new friend, I could tell she was annoyed with how much time this lady was taking talking with us but she must have felt it was ok to treat her like garbage. I really felt embarrassed about that behavior… but like a fool ignored it.

I really did not expect her to turn out to be like this. I’m actually really shocked and saddened by it. I’m not wanting this friendship but am worried for her, worried that I might be too picky or that she needs help. I’m wondering why I did not see this before from the start? Maybe there is something wrong with me?!! I feel sorry for her.

I don’t want to have a friend to ‘fix’ either. I can’t do that. Tried years ago and that went badly for me. I really just want to have Christian friends too.
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No, I don’t mean that you should resort to rash judgment. You don’t have to judge her soul or judge her marriage or judge her as a person. You only have to know that what you have witnessed is not an isolated incident, that you are witnessing a pattern of behavior that you cannot tolerate.

You have given her the benefit of the doubt and passed over instances of bad behavior in the hopes that you were seeing an unfortunate isolated incident. You have also learned to expect that she cannot be depended upon to treat service people you two meet in an acceptable manner. You have given her the benefit of the doubt as a friend, but repeated behavior has taught you what to expect. You are not choosing to put distance between yourself and this woman based on a few isolated incidents, then. You’re not withdrawing from her based on gossip. You are doing so after a pattern of behavior has established itself in your presence, with no sign of regret in her.

You have also discerned that her behavior is unlikely to spring from a simple unawareness of how she comes across to others. You have discerned that she is highly unlikely to welcome fraternal correction, and instead expect that she’d be more inclined to punish the messenger than to try to profit from it. IOW, this is not just behavior that you cannot tolerate. It is also behavior that you cannot realistically believe will change.

Believe your gut when it tells you to avoid provoking her, but also be willing to accept that you need to avoid contact with her as much as possible. That is not lacking in patience or kindness. It is not rude. And, after all, you have not decided that if you were to get clues in the future that she’s changed her attitude that you’ll never give her another chance. No, you’re accepting that until her behavior changes, a friendship is not realistically possible, and can only hurt you (and perhaps others, such as her embarrassed husband) without benefitting her.
 
AnneElizabeth said:
Are you saying because she has not changed her behavior that she does not deserve the benefit of the doubt?
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Cheezey here, because this is close to me right now in a way…
She DOES deserve some benefit, but sometimes it has to be given from a distance.
In my case, it definitely does because it has escalated to fearing for my safety. I am not saying this is your situation but I NEVER would have expected this and these people were my friends for YEARS…
AnneElizabeth said:
I guess that is how I see it… and one of the red flags (that I forgot to mention) is that I had not heard her ever apologize for the behavior afterwards or show remorse. If she were to do that, then maybe I’d understand that this was just an emotional upheaval due to stress.
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my so-called friends have NO problem or apologies for leaving me homeless as they think they are doing. I cannot tell them that I just found a spot because they will follow and continue the insanity.
AnneElizabeth said:
There was another behavior too that disturbed me- We were shopping for clothes and the attendant at the store got really chatty with us - you know how they do since sometimes they haven’t had anyone come in for a while and so they are happy to have someone to chat with. Well, she just seemed really irritated with it and walked off while the attendant was talking to us mid sentence- no “ok goodbye” or no “ok thanks” or even a “hey, we have to go, please excuse us”… she just turned her head away and walked out… ignoring the fact that the attendant was still talking to her. I was really shocked. To be honest the attendant was somewhat boring to listen to but I would never do what she did to someone- its obvious the woman was just wanting to chat and its always possible that a person- if they wanted- could always opt out of the conversation politely. But this new friend, I could tell she was annoyed with how much time this lady was taking talking with us but she must have felt it was ok to treat her like garbage. I really felt embarrassed about that behavior… but like a fool ignored it.
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And I have learned that sometimes, just sometimes, we DO need to ignore it publicly and pray instead. In my case, if I don’t ignore them, I am feeding their need for anger because it is their comfort zone. I cannot be the one to change that because they are hurting me in the process. I wouldn’t want this for you, truly. Again, I do not know your situation best. Only you do and something or Someone is telling you to move on, right?
AnneElizabeth said:
I really did not expect her to turn out to be like this. I’m actually really shocked and saddened by it. I’m not wanting this friendship but am worried for her, worried that I might be too picky or that she needs help. I’m wondering why I did not see this before from the start? Maybe there is something wrong with me?!! I feel sorry for her.
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I feel sorry for these people. I am grieving the loss of two friends of over 25 years and they are not dead. This is sad. I do not want these friendships anymore, either, though I feel sorry for them.
AnneElizabeth said:
I don’t want to have a friend to ‘fix’ either. I can’t do that. Tried years ago and that went badly for me. I really just want to have Christian friends too.
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Some people cannot be ‘fixed’. Some people cannot do the fixing, either. Pray for them.This is certainly a good thing for them.

I am so sorry if I am sounding harsh. I am trying to possibly spare you from bigger issues that I am currently living. It has been brutal and disturbing for many months. I have cried my heart out over these two and the misery they have caused. I cannot and will not fix them. Just yesterday someone has agreed to finally get me out of this insanity through charity as I am in quite a pickle with very little money to do this or anything on my own because this, combined with other issues, have left me very overwhelmed. Please, consider walking away now while it is easier to do so.

I will pray for you and the “unfixables.”
Blessings and my apologies.
 
EasterJoy said:
You have also discerned that her behavior is unlikely to spring from a simple unawareness of how she comes across to others.
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Actually, truthfully, I haven’t discerned this. To me it seems like she doesn’t know or realize what she is doing. That is why I have been giving her the benefit of the doubt. She made mention of seeing 3 different types of counselors all at once… So I don’t suspect she is cold-hearted, just lost and confused and concerned. I also know she has gone through an abusive boyfriend situation… I do know from reading about it that that can effect a person’s behavior as well. And yes, I have discerned though she could potentially take out her frustrations on me and so I have opted to stay away.

Anyway, regardless I’ve already discerned that this is not a friendship that would be healthy. Thanks to you and all the other’s replies.
 
cheezey said:
Cheezey here, because this is close to me right now in a way…
She DOES deserve some benefit, but sometimes it has to be given from a distance.
In my case, it definitely does because it has escalated to fearing for my safety. I am not saying this is your situation but I NEVER would have expected this and these people were my friends for YEARS…

my so-called friends have NO problem or apologies for leaving me homeless as they think they are doing. I cannot tell them that I just found a spot because they will follow and continue the insanity.

And I have learned that sometimes, just sometimes, we DO need to ignore it publicly and pray instead. In my case, if I don’t ignore them, I am feeding their need for anger because it is their comfort zone. I cannot be the one to change that because they are hurting me in the process. I wouldn’t want this for you, truly. Again, I do not know your situation best. Only you do and something or Someone is telling you to move on, right?

I feel sorry for these people. I am grieving the loss of two friends of over 25 years and they are not dead. This is sad. I do not want these friendships anymore, either, though I feel sorry for them.

Some people cannot be ‘fixed’. Some people cannot do the fixing, either. Pray for them.This is certainly a good thing for them.

I am so sorry if I am sounding harsh. I am trying to possibly spare you from bigger issues that I am currently living. It has been brutal and disturbing for many months. I have cried my heart out over these two and the misery they have caused. I cannot and will not fix them. Just yesterday someone has agreed to finally get me out of this insanity through charity as I am in quite a pickle with very little money to do this or anything on my own because this, combined with other issues, have left me very overwhelmed. Please, consider walking away now while it is easier to do so.

I will pray for you and the “unfixables.”
Blessings and my apologies.
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Cheezy, thanks. You don’t sound harsh to me. I wish you the best for your situation that it be resolved.
 
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