How would you respond to a fear of having too many kids?

[lozeerose]

I am Catholic and my wife is Protestant (although she says she is not because she grew up outside of Catholicism and is not protesting anything…) and we have 2 kids. She just informed me that she thinks she may be pregnant (this is more of a feeling - no testing or missed cycles).

I responded with, “Cool. I pray to God daily to give me strength to accept his will and if that menas another kid then He will provide.”
So she tells me, “What does that have to do with anything?”
And I say, “Kids are a blessing from God and I just ask Him to give me strength to remember that.”
So she says, “But having 10 kids and being unable to feed them is stupid…I don’t have time for this discussion.”

She is pro-life but also pro-contraception (even though every time we have tried something it makes her sick or fails - kids have yet to be a result of this***and I do know that I am committing sin by going along with her on this but I still do not know how to keep this marriage together and get orthodox so to speak). And it always surprises me when she makes statements like this and especially uses examples of the extremely poor families in Mexico (where she is from) that have “too many” kids and no way to support them and the kids are starving, etc. I never know how to respond to that other than say God knows what he is doing and some suffer on Earth because suffering is a kind of gift to give us an opportunity to bring us closer to Christ.

She always looks at me cross-eyed. Any other ideas on how to respond to her in a fashion that she may be willing to accept?

Thanks and God bless.

 

[Et_Cetera]

This is my opinion and not one that the Catholic Church endorses: I think your wife is being reasonable and sensible.

 

[kevinsgirl]

You and your wife are both partially right–children are a blessing and God will provide for each new life but we are also called to be responsible parents. Have you learned NFP? The Catholic Church has no problem with a couple using NFP to allow them to adequately provide for the children they have been blessed with.

 

[Em_in_FL]

You and your wife are both partially right–children are a blessing and God will provide for each new life but we are also called to be responsible parents. Have you learned NFP? The Catholic Church has no problem with a couple using NFP to allow them to adequately provide for the children they have been blessed with.

YES!

Here are some quotes from the Catechism:

2367
Called to give life, spouses share in the creative power and fatherhood of God.154 "Married couples should regard it as their proper mission to transmit human life and to educate their children; they should realize that they are thereby cooperating with the love of God the Creator and are, in a certain sense, its interpreters. They will fulfill this duty with a sense of human and Christian responsibility."155

2368
A particular aspect of this responsibility concerns the regulation of procreation. For just reasons, spouses may wish to space the births of their children. It is their duty to make certain that their desire is not motivated by selfishness but is in conformity with the generosity appropriate to responsible parenthood. Moreover, they should conform their behavior to the objective criteria of morality:

    When it is a question of harmonizing married love with the responsible transmission of life, the morality of the behavior does not depend on sincere intention and evaluation of motives alone; but it must be determined by objective criteria, criteria drawn from the nature of the person and his acts, criteria that respect the total meaning of mutual self-giving and human procreation in the context of true love; this is possible only if the virtue of married chastity is practiced with sincerity of heart.156

2369
"By safeguarding both these essential aspects, the unitive and the procreative, the conjugal act preserves in its fullness the sense of true mutual love and its orientation toward man’s exalted vocation to parenthood."157

2370
Periodic continence, that is, the methods of birth regulation based on self-observation and the use of infertile periods, is in conformity with the objective criteria of morality.158 These methods respect the bodies of the spouses, encourage tenderness between them, and favor the education of an authentic freedom. In contrast, “every action which, whether in anticipation of the conjugal act, or in its accomplishment, or in the development of its natural consequences, proposes, whether as an end or as a means, to render procreation impossible” is intrinsically evil:159

    Thus the innate LANGUAGE that expresses the total reciprocal self-giving of husband and wife is overlaid, through contraception, by an objectively contradictory LANGUAGE, namely, that of not giving oneself totally to the other. This leads not only to a positive refusal to be open to life but also to a falsification of the inner truth of conjugal love, which is called upon to give itself in personal totality. . . . The difference, both anthropological and moral, between contraception and recourse to the rhythm of the cycle . . . involves in the final analysis two irreconcilable concepts of the human person and of human sexuality.160

 

[OutinChgoburbs]

You silly male person.

You were supposed to say, “Darling! Are you sure?” Then you were supposed to enfold her in your arms and murmur sweet nothings into her hair. When she cried, or when she started to give all sorts of stuff about the starving children in Mexico, you were supposed to say, “Sweetheart! None of that now! Let’s just savor the moment.”

Instead, you gave a very righteous, Catholic answer, which if your wife was Catholic, *might *have been fine.

Go get some flowers. And chocolate if she likes it. And a card telling her how much you love her.

 

[Em_in_FL]

You silly male person.

Yeah… what she said!

 

[happymommy]

You silly male person.

You were supposed to say, “Darling! Are you sure?” Then you were supposed to enfold her in your arms and murmur sweet nothings into her hair. When she cried, or when she started to give all sorts of stuff about the starving children in Mexico, you were supposed to say, “Sweetheart! None of that now! Let’s just savor the moment.”

Instead, you gave a very righteous, Catholic answer, which if your wife was Catholic, *might *have been fine.

Go get some flowers. And chocolate if she likes it. And a card telling her how much you love her.

Then make a donation to a family in Mexico with ten children to show that you understand her concern! Then more flowers, chocolate and rub her feet, do the laundry, cook dinner…you get the idea.
Oh, and you might want her to take a test too so you can know for sure about a new baby, but do the other things first:thumbsup:

 

[kevinsgirl]

You silly male person.

This…awesome!

 

[daeve]

Silly male person. I really like that phrase.

Foot rubbing is appreciated when one is preggers because one’s feet hurt like all get out. One’s back hurts too, and you start to believe you should just drag your pillow into the bathroom because you will never get another decent nights sleep again.

This subject is of concern to many people. How do you feed and clothe a bunch of kids? We say, “God will provide,” but that doesn’t help those kids in Mexico and Guatemala and Africa and the US who are hungry every night. Your wife has a valid concern.

As for contraception, I’d like to suggest you go to the Ask an Apologist thread, and ask Father to explain how your partner using birthcontrol against your wishes affects you. I think he’ll be able to comfort your mind on that front, and at the very least, you’ll know the facts instead of what you (or we) think is correct.

 

[1ke]

I am Catholic and my wife is Protestant (although she says she is not because she grew up outside of Catholicism and is not protesting anything…) and we have 2 kids. She just informed me that she thinks she may be pregnant (this is more of a feeling - no testing or missed cycles).

I responded with, “Cool. I pray to God daily to give me strength to accept his will and if that menas another kid then He will provide.”
So she tells me, “What does that have to do with anything?”
And I say, “Kids are a blessing from God and I just ask Him to give me strength to remember that.”
So she says, “But having 10 kids and being unable to feed them is stupid…I don’t have time for this discussion.”

Yeah, probably should have just stopped at “Cool.”

She is pro-life but also pro-contraception (even though every time we have tried something it makes her sick or fails - kids have yet to be a result of this***and I do know that I am committing sin by going along with her on this but I still do not know how to keep this marriage together and get orthodox so to speak).

I wanted to comment on this point, since no one else has addressed it. In a situation were one spouse insists on contraception, it is not sinful for the non-contracepting spouse to have relations under certain circumstances. This is something best discussed with your priest. But, here is a Vatican document that is an instruction to priests on this topic. See especially paragraph 13 of section 3.

And it always surprises me when she makes statements like this and especially uses examples of the extremely poor families in Mexico (where she is from) that have “too many” kids and no way to support them and the kids are starving, etc. I never know how to respond to that other than say God knows what he is doing and some suffer on Earth because suffering is a kind of gift to give us an opportunity to bring us closer to Christ.

She always looks at me cross-eyed. Any other ideas on how to respond to her in a fashion that she may be willing to accept?

Thanks and God bless.

When I have had discussions with friends/family who make comments like this I typically start with this:

What a prejudiced and bigoted thing to say. You are implying that Mexican women have many children because they are ignorant and stupid.

Did you ever stop to consider that that have many children because they love children and **want **children? That they value children over material possessions? Just because someone doesn’t have the same goals and values as you does not make them stupid and ignorant.

They are poor mostly because of corrupt governments, not because they have many children. In many countries, those children help support their families and keep them all from starving. Let’s work to solve injustices that keep them in poverty, not tell them to stop having children because we want to impose our own agendas on them.

 

[puzzleannie]

responding to thread title, I agree with Mother Teresa, saying there are too many children makes as much sense as saying there are too many flowers.

 

[nmoerbeek]

I am Catholic and my wife is Protestant (although she says she is not because she grew up outside of Catholicism and is not protesting anything…) and we have 2 kids. She just informed me that she thinks she may be pregnant (this is more of a feeling - no testing or missed cycles).

I responded with, “Cool. I pray to God daily to give me strength to accept his will and if that menas another kid then He will provide.”
So she tells me, “What does that have to do with anything?”
And I say, “Kids are a blessing from God and I just ask Him to give me strength to remember that.”
So she says, “But having 10 kids and being unable to feed them is stupid…I don’t have time for this discussion.”

She is pro-life but also pro-contraception (even though every time we have tried something it makes her sick or fails - kids have yet to be a result of this***and I do know that I am committing sin by going along with her on this but I still do not know how to keep this marriage together and get orthodox so to speak). And it always surprises me when she makes statements like this and especially uses examples of the extremely poor families in Mexico (where she is from) that have “too many” kids and no way to support them and the kids are starving, etc. I never know how to respond to that other than say God knows what he is doing and some suffer on Earth because suffering is a kind of gift to give us an opportunity to bring us closer to Christ.

She always looks at me cross-eyed. Any other ideas on how to respond to her in a fashion that she may be willing to accept?

Thanks and God bless.

Put her back in her place:thumbsup:

Just kidding

Well sort of,

Next time she makes an issue about it tell her to have confidence in your ability to provide for the family. And if she is worried about it she should pray about it.

 

[MCGar]

I don’t know, I think this thread has alot of good advice but when i read the op it looked like to me that the op’s wife feels overwhelmed. The OP might feel confident that the Lord will provide but his wife doesn’t seem to feel that confident.

Maybe you should look into what might be behind her fears?

She might be talking about poor Mexican families, but she really might be feeling like she doesn’t have the energy for another child, or a myriad of other concerns.

My advice is to talk it out while taking her concerns seriously. If she feels that there isn’t enough money, look into creating a budget that will address those fears.

Maybe she was just having a gut emotional reaction and while it was great that you remained calm , I think that there could have been a little more talk about why she was so afraid.

Of course, I’m only reading a synopsis of your conversation so there might’ve been more to it.

In anycase, God Bless your family!

 

[deedle0916]

Not too long ago I heard Kimberly Hahn on an audio tape say something to the effect that she and Scott decided that if the Lord was going to be the Lord of their lives then they had to let Him be Lord over all aspects of their lives including the procreative. That statement was so profound to me. If only my husband and I had trusted God to provide for our family, our lives would have been so much simpler. We have 5 beautiful children all grown now, but we struggled emotionally throughout their growing-up years because he didn’t want to abstain, didn’t trust NFP, wanted contraception, didn’t want the family to keep growing…Our differences almost destroyed our marriage because he was so unhappy and overwhelmed. By the grace of God our marriage was healed. My advice is to trust God with all of your lives. We learned that lesson the hard way. God bless.
deedle0916

 

[daughterofmary]

Birth control is putting your wife at a bunch of health risks.

“Honey, I love you, and because of that I don’t want to worry anymore about you dying from a blood clot, heart disease, heart-attack, or possibly breast cancer. I will always provide for you and our children, and I will take two jobs if it comes down to it. I love you, and I love any children God might give us. Just trust me and trust God.”

 

[FanChan]

Birth control is putting your wife at a bunch of health risks.

“Honey, I love you, and because of that I don’t want to worry anymore about you dying from a blood clot, heart disease, heart-attack, or possibly breast cancer. I will always provide for you and our children, and I will take two jobs if it comes down to it. I love you, and I love any children God might give us. Just trust me and trust God.”

That’s a very, very good point.

 

[lozeerose]

You silly male person.

You were supposed to say, “Darling! Are you sure?” Then you were supposed to enfold her in your arms and murmur sweet nothings into her hair. When she cried, or when she started to give all sorts of stuff about the starving children in Mexico, you were supposed to say, “Sweetheart! None of that now! Let’s just savor the moment.”

Instead, you gave a very righteous, Catholic answer, which if your wife was Catholic, *might *have been fine.

Go get some flowers. And chocolate if she likes it. And a card telling her how much you love her.

Thanks for the suggestion about the flowers and all that. I did something similar and things smoothed over but I think with her she needs a higher authority to tell her things…I love her dearly because she takes nobody’s word for anything…sometimes to a fault though:shrug:

 

[lozeerose]

Then make a donation to a family in Mexico with ten children to show that you understand her concern! Then more flowers, chocolate and rub her feet, do the laundry, cook dinner…you get the idea.
Oh, and you might want her to take a test too so you can know for sure about a new baby, but do the other things first:thumbsup:

All good suggestions. And they have been accomplished as I stated a bit earlier, however, she told me the reason for her belief was that she was having dreams that she was ptregenant. The same thing happened prior to us finding out about our second…and that why I responded the way I did.

I wanted to say, cool, the more the merrier because I know that if she was - it would definitely be God’s will…catch my drift.

 

[lozeerose]

Yeah, probably should have just stopped at “Cool.”

I wanted to comment on this point, since no one else has addressed it. In a situation were one spouse insists on contraception, it is not sinful for the non-contracepting spouse to have relations under certain circumstances. This is something best discussed with your priest. But, here is a Vatican document that is an instruction to priests on this topic. See especially paragraph 13 of section 3.

When I have had discussions with friends/family who make comments like this I typically start with this:

What a prejudiced and bigoted thing to say. You are implying that Mexican women have many children because they are ignorant and stupid.

Did you ever stop to consider that that have many children because they love children and **want **children? That they value children over material possessions? Just because someone doesn’t have the same goals and values as you does not make them stupid and ignorant.

They are poor mostly because of corrupt governments, not because they have many children. In many countries, those children help support their families and keep them all from starving. Let’s work to solve injustices that keep them in poverty, not tell them to stop having children because we want to impose our own agendas on them.

On point all the way. Thanks