Hubby & ABC

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momof3boys

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I just wanted some advice or opinions on a situation. My husband & I have 3 boys. ( 4,3,11 mo.) He has said he doesn’t want any more kids at all, but I do. I have dealt with the issue of birth control for about two years. I keep going back & forth about using it or not. I use it for a while & then I feel led to stop taking it. I keep asking my husband “who would be putting the idea in my head to have another baby?” It’s certainly not Satan because he doesn’t want me to give life. I feel God is calling me to stop taking the ABC - my husband wants me to wait for my next cycle before stopping. He says so my cycle won’t get all messed up again. Maybe he just wants to stall me…
Of course I would like to have another baby sometime. I am uncertain about having another one right now because my youngest will turn 1 on the 1st of October & I feel it might be too soon. I was pregnant w/my second when my first was only 6 months old.
Then the other day, I talked him into trading our car in for something bigger because I want to have more babies eventually. He just gave me this look that said “you’re kidding right?”
Well, when we got the car, I could tell he was very upset with me. He wouldn’t even drive it home!
Plus, I am a stay at home mom & sometimes feel like I’ve already got so much going on with 3 kids, that another one will just be that much more stress. My husband is gone a lot - he’s in the military and goes on trips a lot, so most of the time it’s just me with the kids.
I want to try NFP, but I know myself & I will not keep with it like I would need to. The charts & temp. thing, I would just get lazy with it. So, basically, I think I’ll end up pregnant & my husband would be not too thrilled or maybe think I did it intentionally.
I guess I don’t really know what kind of advice I’m looking for. Maybe just some personal experiences from people. Plus, how do I start NFP after just quitting taking the pill?
A little background on us, my hubby grew up Catholic. I’m not yet - but I am starting the RCIA classes this month. Any advice would be welcome.
Thank you all for letting me get this off my chest.
 
ccli.org/

Please check the above link for starting NFP after ABC. I highly recommend taking an NFP class.

As far as being lazy with the temp and things people think it’s so much more complicated then it is. You keep your thermometer and chart on a bedside table. You wake up put the thermometer in you mouth for about thirty seconds and put a little dot on the appropriate place on the graph.

It really becomes second nature when you get in the habit of it. Like brushing your teeth everyday -it’s just something you do. I am an unorganized scatter brained person and I’ve been doing this for 9 years.

And besides I don’t think God excepts laziness as an excuse for not following His will.😃
 
Blessings upon you as you are searching for God in your life!

Others on this thread can help you with personal experience a lot more then I, but allow me to put in my brief observations.

I think everyone on this bored can agree that it is God leading you to stop using ABC. The Catholic Church very seriously teaches that use of ABC is a mortal sin: one that condemns a soul to hell. This is a non-negotiable, once and for all teaching. In fact, one can not licitly join the church if they are using ABC.

The use of birth control is insulting to a woman’s dignity. Rather then appreciating the woman in the fullness of her body and being, it renders her as if she were a “broken machine” whose sole purpose is to provide sexual pleasure without consequence. Intercourse is a fully unifying, love expressing act within marriage. Anything that limits the act and tries to separate the various facets of it is gravely immoral.

NFP, on the other hand, respects the woman, understanding her body as a whole and working with it, not against it. For those in need, it is every bit as effective as ABC. There are various methods of practicing NFP, and some are much less complicated then graphing temperatures every morning.

The key point is this. Don’t subvert your own feminine dignity, the unifying sacrament of marriage, and the purity of your soul, under the fear that you won’t remember to practice NFP. Marriage is about responsibility to eachother through love.

Josh
 
mom,

I know exactly how you feel. I have three kids ages 4, 2 and 1. Life get’s really crazy sometimes. When we only had two, he thought he was done. But now we have three and I almost have him convinced for four. My husband is active Army and is gone A LOT. In fact he is deployed right now. Our own method of birth control:))

I an a cradle catholic and my husband was raised with no religion. He would rather I be on ABC, but he is accepting of what I believe, for the most part.

I pretty much make life as easy as possible on him. Some might say I do too much, but I don’t mind and then he doesn’t mind having more kids because I do most the work anyway.

Please feel free to PM me anytime, if only just to chat. As another military wife I can empathize.
 
Thank you all for the (name removed by moderator)ut. It’s so nice to have people who feel the same way about babies, birth control, etc. It seems hard ( at least to me ) to find people in my area that feel the same way.
My husband & I were married in July of 2000. We were married at Lake Tahoe w/o his family knowing. I know, I know, that is really terrible. We had our “real” wedding in December of the same year, but by that time I was already pregnant w/our first.
In order for us to get married in the church, we had to take the NFP class, which was only one night long, was kind of rushed & to be honest, we didn’t really pay attention. I guess because we were already pregnant & at the time I had no problem being on ABC. I didn’t know better at the time. I have looked into it again here in Ca, but I would have to go to Sacramento for the class. That’s not really a big problem, I just haven’t called there to find out when & where, etc, etc.
I don’t know if anyone else out there feels this way, too, but I get the impression from some friends & family members ( my side, not Catholic ) that I am crazy to even want more kids. When I mention it, they say things like “you already get stressed out with the three you have” or “don’t you know what causes that?”, “why would you want another one?”
It’s nice to hear from others who have big families & can be supportive.
I am really thankful to hear from you all that what I am being led by IS God. I felt like I was in such turmoil within myself.
I’ll keep you posted as to my progress.
I did tell my hubby tonight ( he is away on a trip ) that I am going to stop taking the pill.
(sigh) I feel like a weight is lifted off my chest.
 
My husband and I just starting taking an NFP class. We’re using the Creighton method which is mucus observations only. Here’s a link to their website, if you want more info. We really enjoy it and already I feel so much more in tune to my body and my cycle. Knowledge is power!
 
Mom,

The Lord give you His peace! Stand firm in your resolution. Ask God to give you the perseverence to stand in whatever he asks of you. I may be crazy, but I have a feeling that the Lord is going to give you a wonderful confirmation sometime in this next week, that he is very pleased with this decision to serve him.

If you don’t, its because I’m a wack job, not because God isn’t pleased. :whacky:

Blessings!
Josh
 
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momof3boys:
Thank you all for the (name removed by moderator)ut. It’s so nice to have people who feel the same way about babies, birth control, etc. It seems hard ( at least to me ) to find people in my area that feel the same way.
My husband & I were married in July of 2000. We were married at Lake Tahoe w/o his family knowing. I know, I know, that is really terrible. We had our “real” wedding in December of the same year, but by that time I was already pregnant w/our first.
In order for us to get married in the church, we had to take the NFP class, which was only one night long, was kind of rushed & to be honest, we didn’t really pay attention. I guess because we were already pregnant & at the time I had no problem being on ABC. I didn’t know better at the time. I have looked into it again here in Ca, but I would have to go to Sacramento for the class. That’s not really a big problem, I just haven’t called there to find out when & where, etc, etc.
I don’t know if anyone else out there feels this way, too, but I get the impression from some friends & family members ( my side, not Catholic ) that I am crazy to even want more kids. When I mention it, they say things like “you already get stressed out with the three you have” or “don’t you know what causes that?”, “why would you want another one?”
It’s nice to hear from others who have big families & can be supportive.
I am really thankful to hear from you all that what I am being led by IS God. I felt like I was in such turmoil within myself.
I’ll keep you posted as to my progress.
I did tell my hubby tonight ( he is away on a trip ) that I am going to stop taking the pill.
(sigh) I feel like a weight is lifted off my chest.
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Wow, only one day? We went every Sat. for like 6 weeks I think it was for our class. That is not long enough to make the couple gets a good understanding and find out if they need help or questions. I would contact CCL, they know where their teacher’s are.

While I don’t get remarks for having more children (I only have one -our 9 year old daughter) I do get people that think I’m crazy for using NFP. The reason is another pregnancy would almost certainly be fatal for me. I have a complicated heart problem and will need a transplant in the near future. There are people that simply can not phathom putting your life in God’s hands.

Hubby and I were married outside the church about 15 years ago. I was raised a nominal Catholic, he had a very negitive religious upbringing. I used ABC too -Norplant which was horrible. ( I was afraid I’d forget to take the pill everyday -told ya I was a scatter brain.) After the birth of our daughter I really began to take my faith seriously. My husband converted in 97 but no one in our old parish explained to us we needed our marriage convalidated. We changed parishes in May of 04 and had our “real” wedding in July of 04.

I have a friend who has 8 children and some people are unbelievably rude -even people at her own parish whom you think would know better.
 
People also think I’m crazy for using NFP. I stopped using birth control pills probably 5 years ago. I never attended a class - my husband wouldn’t even if I asked him to. He understands/respects my decision but doesn’t agree with it. He’s has not had his reconversion to the faith yet (both cradle Catholics) but maybe someday. We have 3 boys (17, 15, 9) with no plans to have more children - I have to work full time and refuse to put a baby in daycare. However, if God thinks we need another child, so be it! This one decision was the final one that got me out of my cafeteria Catholic mentality! God bless.

About 3 months after I stopped birth control pills, it was amazing how easy it was to monitor my cycle and ovulation time. I just keep a little calendar specifically for this. However my cycle is so regular it made it easy. I’ve been told that it isn’t as easy for those with wacky cycles.
 
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momof3boys:
Thank you all for the (name removed by moderator)ut. It’s so nice to have people who feel the same way about babies, birth control, etc. It seems hard ( at least to me ) to find people in my area that feel the same way.
My husband & I were married in July of 2000. We were married at Lake Tahoe w/o his family knowing. I know, I know, that is really terrible. We had our “real” wedding in December of the same year, but by that time I was already pregnant w/our first.
In order for us to get married in the church, we had to take the NFP class, which was only one night long, was kind of rushed & to be honest, we didn’t really pay attention. I guess because we were already pregnant & at the time I had no problem being on ABC. I didn’t know better at the time. I have looked into it again here in Ca, but I would have to go to Sacramento for the class. That’s not really a big problem, I just haven’t called there to find out when & where, etc, etc.
I don’t know if anyone else out there feels this way, too, but I get the impression from some friends & family members ( my side, not Catholic ) that I am crazy to even want more kids. When I mention it, they say things like “you already get stressed out with the three you have” or “don’t you know what causes that?”, “why would you want another one?”
It’s nice to hear from others who have big families & can be supportive.
I am really thankful to hear from you all that what I am being led by IS God. I felt like I was in such turmoil within myself.
I’ll keep you posted as to my progress.
I did tell my hubby tonight ( he is away on a trip ) that I am going to stop taking the pill.
(sigh) I feel like a weight is lifted off my chest.
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My prayers will be with you as you walk down this new path in faith. God will always bless us when we trust in Him…

There is an organization in California you may find helpful. The California Association of Natural Family Planning www.canfp.org ] can be very helpful in finding an NFP instructor near you. There are different methods represented in the association, and all the modern certified methods are very effective. My wife and I teach for the Couple to Couple League www.ccli.org ], and I would encourage you to seek a local teaching couple out. We offer both the proper instruction in the Stympto-Thermal method, and the Church Teaching that supports the practice of Natural Family Planning.

Be patient with you husband, and enlist the assistance of St. Monica in your prayers for him. As an NFP instructor, it has been my observation that when the wife leads the husband to the practice of NFP, the process can get bogged down in a kind of “gate-keeping” mentality in the bedroom. The great lie of contraception is that it takes away the “worry” of getting pregnant. In reality, it supplants the care and concern each spouse owes to the other with a utilitarian attitude toward sexuality, and that tends to toughen the tenderness a couple should feel for each other.

Getting away from that dynamic is not a quick process, and since you have been led to take the lead, you need to armour youself with prayer, and take heart that all of our suffering is of great value to God when with offer it in union with the Cross.

God Bless you as you travel this new path.

BTW…there is a “temperture only” rule available for new student of NFP who are learning from CCL, and that rule is very effective for women coming off the pill. You can use the effectively use the method from the very beginning if you can locate a class nearby from the Couple to Couple League.
 
I feel so much better about not using the pill. Even though it’s only been two days w/out, I feel so much better. I even had comments today from people. “How many kids do you have?” And the famous question that always comes after that " are you going to try again one more time for a girl?".
I hate to say this, it sounds really bad. I have just started to really lose the extra belly fat that I had from the last baby & that was one reason I didn’t want to have another one right away.
My MIL reminds me, though, that I can’t be concerned about my body so much. My soul is so much more important than that.
And I guess, who really cares if I have some fat around my belly. I’ve got three great boys in turn for it!
Sometimes I just let other people’s attitudes & opinions get the better of me. (when they are negative comments)
 
I guess I’m in the minority here as usual.

It takes both people, the husband and the wife to agree about children… not one and ‘standing firm’ as one poster put it.

This is not what marriage is about.

My opinion is that you and your husband need some counseling from your priest.
It is never a good idea to have a child when the other spouse is not sure or doesn’t want another.
 
**
**It takes both people, the husband and the wife to agree about children… not one and ‘standing firm’ as one poster put it.
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This is not what marriage is about.**
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My opinion is that you and your husband need some counseling from your priest.
It is never a good idea to have a child when the other spouse is not sure or doesn’t want another. **I completely agree with this. Your marriage could be quite damaged if you get pregnant when your husband isn’t willing and he suspects that you did it on purpose, to thwart what should be a joint decision. I can think of few things as disunifying to a marriage as either partner refusing to consider the other’s feelings on the question of whether to have another child.

As for NFP being as effective as ABC … possibly, if and only if you scrupulously use it. Remember, the purpose of it is to remain open to the possibility of new life. I know that it is anathema to mention it on this particular board, but many, many women have had unexpected pregnancies using NFP. There are many of us in my own parish who have what we call our “NFP babies.” Do we regret them? No, not at all, they’re a blessing of course. But, they were all conceived at times when we were using NFP trying not to conceive, and we were all educated women who had used NFP successfully for a long time before these pregnancies.
 
I never said I was going to try to get pregnant. I said if it did happen, he might think I did it on purpose, but I do know my husband & he wouldn’t really think that. I was just being paranoid.
I wouldn’t try to get pregnant knowing he doesn’t want one right now, but, it is my choice to either take the pill or not. And if I don’t feel comfortable doing that anymore, then I should not be pressured into doing it. Obviously there are other options, like waiting for the right time.
 
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dwc:
As for NFP being as effective as ABC … possibly, if and only if you scrupulously use it. Remember, the purpose of it is to remain open to the possibility of new life. I know that it is anathema to mention it on this particular board, but many, many women have had unexpected pregnancies using NFP.
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And many many women have unexpected pregnancies using ABC too.

The difference that I see is that a woman using NFP knows right away (by observing her signs and charting etc) and can take action right away to do the best for her baby. What I mean by this is avoiding alcohol, eating better etc.

Some women who get pregnant “accidentally” while using ABC go months before realizing why they are missing their periods. They simply cannot comprehend that ABC does fail.

The only 100% safe sex is NO sex.

Also, because most people who use NFP consider themselves open to life and pro-life, there is not as much possibility of that baby being aborted. Women who use ABC (not all of course) tend to view pregnancy as a disease and not the miracle that it truly is.

I speak as a woman who has used ABC and now uses NFP.

Malia
 
Actually, one of my closest friends became pregnant while she was on the pill. She had no idea she was pregnant, even had a period one month. Her doctors don’t know for sure how far along she is because it happened while she was on the pill & she has no idea when it happened either. To me, that is scary. She continued to take the pill, not knowing she was already pregnant. I’m wondering, what kind of damage could that do to the baby?
Also, she thought she was done having kids, so her & her husband were shocked & not very happy when they got “the news”. I would not want to go through that at all.
I would much rather have it known between my husband & me, that if we decide to be intimate, that there is a chance of us having another one. In that case, then I’d already be conscious of taking better care of my body. Does that make sense??
Also, I have a question about checking mucus. Does it matter what time of day you do that? And should you do it the same time every day? If I’m asking too many questions, forgive me. I know I need to take the class again anyway. Just wondering if anyone could give me a head’s up. Thanks. 🙂
 
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momof3boys:
Actually, one of my closest friends became pregnant while she was on the pill. She had no idea she was pregnant, even had a period one month. Her doctors don’t know for sure how far along she is because it happened while she was on the pill & she has no idea when it happened either. To me, that is scary.

Very scary to me too.

She continued to take the pill, not knowing she was already pregnant. I’m wondering, what kind of damage could that do to the baby?

I have read some studies on the effects of this, but my memory isn’t too good. All I know is that it’s not a good thing. I hope someone with more knowledge will answer this for us both.

Also, she thought she was done having kids, so her & her husband were shocked & not very happy when they got “the news”. I would not want to go through that at all.
I would much rather have it known between my husband & me, that if we decide to be intimate, that there is a chance of us having another one. In that case, then I’d already be conscious of taking better care of my body. Does that make sense??

I know exactly what you mean. Sex=potential baby. Simple.

Also, I have a question about checking mucus. Does it matter what time of day you do that? And should you do it the same time every day? If I’m asking too many questions, forgive me. I know I need to take the class again anyway. Just wondering if anyone could give me a head’s up. Thanks. 🙂

I use the sympto thermal method of NFP. I check for mucus whenever I use the washroom. It took some getting used to, but now it’s second nature. When you take another class or read a good book on the subject you will learn more.

I borrowed “Taking Charge of Your Fertility” by Toni Weschler from the library to get me started.

Malia
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That sounds like as good of a time as any to check.
I was just thinking back a while ago, have any of you heard much about the b/c patch? I was actually on that a few months ago. I went to visit my Mom & just happened to see an article in the local newspaper about a woman who died from using it. Just a few months after having a baby!
I immediately took the patch off & read through the rest of the article. It said that the patch is about 3 times deadlier than the pill & that most women were getting blood clots. This really scared me ( and should have been a wake-up call to me & my hubby ) because about a month before that, I thought that I had had a miscarriage & not known I was pregnant. My period was very heavy & reading about the blood clots just really hit me. So, now I wonder if that is what happened to me. ( sorry if that was TMI )
Of course, they never tell you how harmful ABC is. I was so saddened to read that article. I felt so bad for the little baby who will never grow up knowing her mother.
 
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momof3boys:
That sounds like as good of a time as any to check.
I was just thinking back a while ago, have any of you heard much about the b/c patch? I was actually on that a few months ago. I went to visit my Mom & just happened to see an article in the local newspaper about a woman who died from using it. Just a few months after having a baby!
I immediately took the patch off & read through the rest of the article. It said that the patch is about 3 times deadlier than the pill & that most women were getting blood clots. This really scared me ( and should have been a wake-up call to me & my hubby ) because about a month before that, I thought that I had had a miscarriage & not known I was pregnant. My period was very heavy & reading about the blood clots just really hit me. So, now I wonder if that is what happened to me. ( sorry if that was TMI )
Of course, they never tell you how harmful ABC is. I was so saddened to read that article. I felt so bad for the little baby who will never grow up knowing her mother.
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Well, one of the consequences of the BCP is that you don’t really know how it effects a particular individual. I am encouraged that you have discontinued using the BCP, but a word of caution about your mucus signs: They will be HIGHLY unreliable as you come off the pill. Most modern pills have three effects: one is to supress ovulation, one is to thin the uterine wall (called an abortifacient feature because the newly concieved child cannot attach to the uterus), and to thicken cervical mucus. There is no consistant rule for understanding how long the pill residues will effect your system, but you can expect your mucus signs to be inconsistant for at least a couple of months.

Get on the California NFP instructors list I posted above and get some good advice as you come of the pill. It is a difficult time to get to know your bodies fertility signs, and you need some individual instruction to help you on the way.
 
Thank you for the website. I did go to it & found some good info.
I’m excited for my hubby to come home next week so we can possibly get started in a class.
Too bad there aren’t any online classes. lol :eek:
I really just need some more info. I have been trying to get my hands on the book “the good news about sex & marriage” but haven’t been able to find one yet.
 
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