Hubby's Secret-ish past

[EasterJoy]

I’ve known and worked with people that have secretive pasts.

They don’t talk about them. AT ALL.

No hints about what they did, or might have done. No, “I could tell you but I would have to kill you.” Nothing.

Secret is secret. And if it were true, he couldn’t talk about it. AT ALL. Even to his wife.

That is a lot to lay on a veteran–that is, to say that he cannot even disclose to his wife that he has burdens to struggle with that he is not free to disclose completely. The Defense Department does not ask for *that much *secrecy! Some will elect to keep that level of secrecy, as it their right, but we shouldn’t really imply that it is a moral imperative to do so.

In light of the number of suicides and very serious mental health problems that have been suffered by veterans as a result of emotional problems sustained during service to our country, I think the VA would encourage veterans to tell their spouses and families when they need some help, even when they cannot say why in any detail, so that those loved ones can help them to get it and be on the lookout for concerning symptoms that the veteran may not want to admit, otherwise. These men and women have put themselves in harm’s way for our sake, and sustained injuries that are serious and chronic even though invisible. We ought to encourage anyone in a position to help them find healing to do so, and give them permission to seek it out.

 

[bitterhope]

Yeah, the guys I know who have secret and top secret clearance do not play games like that. My husband is able to talk to me but many specifics are not shared. It’s more of expressing emotions than situations that evoke those emotions. But yes, any Catholic priest is able to hear confessions from anyone–including my husband after a top secret mission. And military chaplains hear confessions all the time. They are wonderful priests and are soldiers as well so they relate to everything these guys go through.

 

[maryjk]

That is a lot to lay on a veteran–that is, to say that he cannot even disclose to his wife that he has burdens to struggle with that he is not free to disclose completely. The Defense Department does not ask for *that much *secrecy! Some will elect to keep that level of secrecy, as it their right, but we shouldn’t really imply that it is a moral imperative to do so.

Yes, it is a lot. And yes, the DOD does ask (require) that secret information stays secret. Even after many years retired, the people I know, still cannot talk about their job. And yes, it is a moral imperative to do so.

Pillow talk is not allowed. And loose lips, sink ships.

If the OP’s husband truly had a Top Secret clearance, and truly was part of clandestine operations, then, chances are, he needs to keep that stuff secret. Forever.

 

[Catholic1954]

My husband was in the army I don’t know what he did and were he went. He began opening up about even being in the army 2 months ago. We have been together for 10 years (married 8) and I can believe there are secrets between us.
He jut tells me, “I can’t tell anyone, because you NEVER KNOW”
I don’t know anything about military life. He says there are contracts.He also says I don’t want to know.:bigyikes:
I don’t even know how comfortable I am posting this because it feels like something I’ve seen in movies. Where the wife has no idea her husband is a hit man type of thing.
I always knew he participated in self-destructive behaviors, I can’t help to think he hasn’t properly dealt with some issues. It is the strangest thing to not know something about my own husband.:console:
I have suggested a therapist or our priest. He says he can’t trust anyone.
I am very concerned about his soul. If he has gravely sinned I need him to confess it. We have been to confession and I purposely go in after him. He comes out so fast I doubt he opens up. I hope I’m wrong.
What would you do??

Keep your cool and let him talk. He sounds like he is ready to let it go, but he needs someone he can trust to talk to and that would be his very own wife. You can try contacting the VA to see if they can help.

 

[Allegra]

My daddy has never spoken to anyone about his short time in the military. He simply refuses to speak of it and gets irritable when asked. He threw a fit when my brother suggested he might join. What we do know is that he did not serve during a conflict. He was sent to Germany. He got shingles. He was honarably discharged after his time was up.

 

[MJJean]

So, a man with a history of chronic lying tells his wife after 10 years he was in the service and that he can’t talk about it and is immediately believed? C’mon now!

If he had been in the service I’d think she’d have known by now because he’d have made use of the benefits, if nothing else. VA home loans, healthcare, training and education services, credit unions, on post shopping w his ID, etc. He’d also most likely have friends from his time in the military his wife would have met and at least have stories of boot camp (long before any clandestine ops). Not to mention his family and/or friends would have mentioned him being military at least once over the years. If there’s no evidence anywhere I’d be extremely skeptical.

I was married to a chronic liar for 5 years. He not only lied, he lied about lying. My general policy was to believe nothing he said without physical proof and at least one witness.

 

[bitterhope]

So, a man with a history of chronic lying tells his wife after 10 years he was in the service and that he can’t talk about it and is immediately believed? C’mon now!

If he had been in the service I’d think she’d have known by now because he’d have made use of the benefits, if nothing else. VA home loans, healthcare, training and education services, credit unions, on post shopping w his ID, etc. He’d also most likely have friends from his time in the military his wife would have met and at least have stories of boot camp (long before any clandestine ops). Not to mention his family and/or friends would have mentioned him being military at least once over the years. If there’s no evidence anywhere I’d be extremely skeptical.

I was married to a chronic liar for 5 years. He not only lied, he lied about lying. My general policy was to believe nothing he said without physical proof and at least one witness.

I agree, but not all vets have benefits. Depending on his time in service and the nature of his discharge. But I don’t think he really has been, or at least not in a classified field. Or maybe he “can’t” talk about it because he is AWOL/deserter or was discharged in less than honorable conditions? If he’s a chronic liar and self destructive any of that could apply I guess. I just don’t buy into his story

 

[EasterJoy]

Yes, it is a lot. And yes, the DOD does ask (require) that secret information stays secret. Even after many years retired, the people I know, still cannot talk about their job. And yes, it is a moral imperative to do so.

Pillow talk is not allowed. And loose lips, sink ships.

If the OP’s husband truly had a Top Secret clearance, and truly was part of clandestine operations, then, chances are, he needs to keep that stuff secret. Forever.

They are not required to hide it from their spouse that there are matters having to do with their service that they cannot talk about that are causing them mental health problems. That is absurd. That kind of disclosure is never going to sink a ship or endanger a single life.

The level of silence you are talking about, however, could cripple a man or even kill him. That is not what the Defense Department wants for its servicemen or veterans.

A veteran or serviceman should not use matters he ought to be discrete about for self-aggrandizement or to show off, as an excuse for poor performance of his duties, or as a way of manipulating someone in some other way. He ought to be free, however, to say that he has serious emotional issues that need to be addressed, and that because of their nature he can only accept help from those who have military clearance. That much he can say without compromising his duty to protect secrets of grave importance.

 

[EasterJoy]

So, a man with a history of chronic lying tells his wife after 10 years he was in the service and that he can’t talk about it and is immediately believed? C’mon now!

If he had been in the service I’d think she’d have known by now because he’d have made use of the benefits, if nothing else. VA home loans, healthcare, training and education services, credit unions, on post shopping w his ID, etc. He’d also most likely have friends from his time in the military his wife would have met and at least have stories of boot camp (long before any clandestine ops). Not to mention his family and/or friends would have mentioned him being military at least once over the years. If there’s no evidence anywhere I’d be extremely skeptical.

I was married to a chronic liar for 5 years. He not only lied, he lied about lying. My general policy was to believe nothing he said without physical proof and at least one witness.

Of course liars lie about whether or not they are lying. If a liar doesn’t even make an effort to cover up his deceptions, that is more of a crime of insult than a crime of deception! Such a person’s aptitude for lying is extremely low, that’s for certain. The problem is that sometimes people deal with a mental health problem in all the wrong ways, and develop a bad reputation as a result. We all know people who started drinking for reasons that really ought to have called for serious mental health care. They turned to self-medication and ruined their character, their relationships, and their lives, instead. That does not mean they never had a legitimate problem that legitimately put them in need of outside support.

I have a relative who works at a VA Hospital. No, veterans cannot be automatically relied upon to seek the help they need, particularly when it is mental health care. Veterans do not automatically avail themselves of all the advantages to which their service entitles them, either. And no, people who were in the military do not automatically have friends from the military that they keep in touch with, any more than people automatically have college friends because they got a bachelor’s degree. And no, the relatives of people who were in the military do not necessarily talk about it, particularly if the person went into the military in order to get away from their family or from what their family wanted them to do. If this guy has a history of destroying relationships by his chronic unreliability or deceit, I’d almost expect it.

If the husband is lying, whether about being in the military or about the nature of his service and the terms of his discharge, it will hurt nothing for the wife to encourage him to seek veteran’s benefits. If he is not eligible, he won’t get them. If he was in the military but won’t approach the VA for benefits, then she can tell him she cannot help it if he won’t get help from those who have the clearance to actually help him. She’ll have done what she can do. Outside of that, she ought to refuse to hear any stories that it is not appropriate for her to listen to. Where he is unfaithful, she can still be faithful to do the right that is hers to do, considering the information she has. The rest is on his lap, after that.

 

[maryjk]

A veteran or serviceman should not use matters he ought to be discrete about for self-aggrandizement or to show off, as an excuse for poor performance of his duties, or as a way of manipulating someone in some other way. He ought to be free, however, to say that he has serious emotional issues that need to be addressed, and that because of their nature he can only accept help from those who have military clearance. That much he can say without compromising his duty to protect secrets of grave importance.

But this is exactly what the OP’s husband is doing.

“I can’t tell anyone, because you never know.”

Sorry, he does know. If he was in some clandestine service or had clandestine operations, he would have been told who he could talk to. He would have been given the names or organizations that could help him through this.

Of course he can say, “I have some problems, and I need help.” But read the OP, that isn’t what he is saying.

 

[Xantippe]

But the OP’s husband is either pulling her leg. And being pretty nasty about it.

.

On second thought, We have had problems in the past about his lying. He seemed so sincere though. He might be back to his lying ways.

Pretending to have a military past (combat, Vietnam, whatever) is a standard thing to fib about.

slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2014/06/dear_prudence_my_stepfather_lied_about_serving_in_vietnam.html

If he’s actually served, you can check that.

“Veteran wannabes might also claim they were in covert operations, or on clandestine missions that are classified or still can’t be discussed. Burkett and Whitley say that is one of the oldest dodges in the book, and military records, while noting “classified assignment,” will show the applicable dates and will list any relevant awards and decorations.”

sfgate.com/news/article/How-to-Check-Records-Of-Military-Service-Plenty-2913464.php

It’s a terrible thing to suspect one’s husband of fibbing like this. If it turns out that he did not actually serve (and I give it a 50-75% chance that he has not), I would insist that he gets a full psychological evaluation and that you do marriage counseling.

The thing is, if he actually were in the military doing anything hush hush, he could have just told you, “I served in the army from 1990-1995. It was actually kind of boring. Pass the mashed potatoes” years ago. And he wouldn’t have been lying–there are boring bits to any job, no matter how glamorous or dangerous.

Best wishes!

 

[EasterJoy]

On second thought, We have had problems in the past about his lying. He seemed so sincere though. He might be back to his lying ways.

This is good information. I know people whose fathers were in WWII, and they never knew it, because he never ever talked about it. The other (far more common) extremes are those who claim to be veterans who had served honorably when in fact they had fled the country to avoid the draft or to cover up their embarrassment that they had applied to serve in the military and been rejected or were covering up a dishonorable discharge. Others lie to impress others, or simply to cover up an absence they do not want to have to explain. Still others lie about an average or below-average career, implying it was extraordinary when it was nothing to write home about.

You don’t want to insult someone who really served, even if they aren’t exactly the height of admirability in some other respect. If you wonder about their veracity, check. Then you’ll know.

The second piece cited makes it clear that the government does not mind people saying that they were on a classified assignment, when it took place, and whether they received special recognition for their service, because the government itself will release records saying the same. It is only the nature of the assignment that may not be disclosed.

*Veteran wannabes might also claim they were in covert operations, or on clandestine missions that are classified or still can’t be discussed. Burkett and Whitley say that is one of the oldest dodges in the book, and military records, while noting “classified assignment,” will show the applicable dates and will list any relevant awards and decorations. *

 

[merne9]

So, a man with a history of chronic lying tells his wife after 10 years he was in the service and that he can’t talk about it and is immediately believed? C’mon now!

Maybe I wasn’t clear enough. I have always know he was in the army. He vaguely talked about what he drove and what weapons he used.
2 months ago while just having a regular conversation I asked about it and I did insist not knowing it would disturb him.

 

[EasterJoy]

Maybe I wasn’t clear enough. I have always know he was in the army. He vaguely talked about what he drove and what weapons he used.
2 months ago while just having a regular conversation I asked about it and I did insist not knowing it would disturb him.

Ask him to consider going to the VA for help with service-related emotional difficulties.

 

[Xantippe]

Maybe I wasn’t clear enough. I have always know he was in the army. He vaguely talked about what he drove and what weapons he used.
2 months ago while just having a regular conversation I asked about it and I did insist not knowing it would disturb him.

That’s clearer.

 

[Xantippe]

Ask him to consider going to the VA for help with service-related emotional difficulties.

Yes!

 

[MJJean]

Maybe I wasn’t clear enough. I have always know he was in the army. He vaguely talked about what he drove and what weapons he used.
2 months ago while just having a regular conversation I asked about it and I did insist not knowing it would disturb him.

Ahh, the way it was phrased I believed you were 10 years married and he’d never brought it up before at all until recently. Now that it’s clear you’ve always known that changes things!

Ask him to consider going to the VA for help with service-related emotional difficulties.

Yes! He absolutely can say to a qualified professional at the VA what he feels he isn’t allowed to say to you.

 

[EasterJoy]

The OP might also contact the Wounded Warrior Project for guidance:
woundedwarriorproject.org/

Congress is working on legislation to speed up access to health care for veterans, but I don’t think they’ve passed anything yet.

 

[otjm]

Maybe I wasn’t clear enough. I have always know he was in the army. He vaguely talked about what he drove and what weapons he used.
2 months ago while just having a regular conversation I asked about it and I did insist not knowing it would disturb him.

A little bit here, and a little bit there.

If he spoke about weapons he used, then it sounds as if he was in direct combat. Whether or not that combat was also classified is a separate issue. Whether it was classified or not, it is entirely possible that he was involved in some really ugly, messy situations, and may have PTSD issues.

Unless and until one has been in the military, or has come to know a significant number of those who were in, one does not have much appreciation of the reality. And that reality is that there are few, precious few, ex military who do not know that there are VA hospitals and clinics. and yet untold thousands have not sought treatment for PTSD.

And yet we have seen a long string of suicides, of vets who do not get help. When you are in the black hole, all you see is the blackness. Depression is its own worst enemy. One of my college classmates who served in Viet Nam was recently diagnosed with lingering PTSD; he was a college graduate when he went in, so it is not like he is short on knowledge. But like all too many guys (I can’t speak for women in the military and their attitudes), he did not seek help. Call it macho, or whatever term you want, there is an extremely strong tendency to not get help, to not appear weak or unable to deal with issues.

If he is not willing to go, then you might consider calling one of the counselors and asking their advice as to how to get him in.

 

[Anglewannabe]

If the only reason he got upset is because one night you insisted on knowing, I don’t think he is all that depressed. I think he is probably angered that for 10 years, his privacy was respected and now all of a sudden it isn’t.

I would not bring it up. If he needs to talk, be supportive, but don’t push

Angie