huge problem

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Pinkyyy

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my husband is only concerned with himself and what’s good for him. Our son is very high spirited - 3 years old. He is loud, does not listen, and even refused to use the potty. My husband is always annoyed with him and his way of handling that is screaming at him. He is from India and now he wants to send our son to India because he (H) was too lazy to teach him any Hindi for the last 2 years. I don’t speak it and he speaks to our son english too - never in Hindi. So, when he says he wants to send him overseas to live with his family for a year (where I’ve only been to once in our 10 year relationship) to teach him his language, that really makes me mad. I said that he was lazy and never took the time to try to speak it to him at all, and is taking an easy way out - his answer is to scream at me over the phone, and when I say scream, I mean SCREAM till your ears feel they will burst that I don’t know hindi (this is my fault), and so that our son is “stupid” and can’t go potty and he won’t keep quiet, so send him over there for discipline and to learn these things.

He thinks it will be easier for us too b/c HE just started a business I did not want and put us many thousands in debt.

This is not going to happen. I’ll divorce him first. But I am sick of the fighting. Any suggestions on how to keep this from becoming a huge blow up?
 
It’s already a huge blowup. Your husband can’t handle normal kid stuff, blames everything wrong on you, and calls your son stupid and wants to banish him across the globe with strangers. He sounds emotionally and verbally abusive. Has he gotten physical yet?

Why did you marry such a selfish person? Surely his self-absorption does not come as a shock… Now you and your son are stuck with this. (I am sure you will be upset with me for saying that. But I sure wish women would intensively evaluate the character of the men they choose to father their children, before they have those kids!)

On the language issue, your son is still well within the range where children pick up languages naturally. Why doesn’t DH just start speaking to him in Hindi now? your son will pick it up quickly. In many families where there are two native languages, each parent will speak to the child only or mostly in their own tongue, and the kids become fluent in both naturally as they grow up!

You either need serious marriage counseling (and he probably won’t go), or, if his behavior keeps escalating, an escape plan. If you divorce him, he may kidnap your child to India… it happens a lot and State Dept usually can’t do anything about it. If you try to hide from your ex, you could get in trouble for not honoring visitation… you are really between a rock and a hard place here, because based on your description of him, I think staying or leaving him are both equally fraught and dangerous in different ways. 🤷

Prayers for safety for you and your child, and for a radical change of character in your husband…

P.S. If you decide to leave him eventually, documentation of his desire and intention to remove your child from the country against your will could be very helpful in custody determination. Start keeping a journal, dated and very detailed, of every time he mentions wanting to send your child to India. Especially if he uses it as a threat when or if you try to leave him. You may be able to get it so that he cannot have any visitation unsupervised, in order to prevent him from taking your son out of the country. Also document any abuse that occurs, including calling law enforcement if he gets physical.
 
Wow…

Ok, 3 years old is waaaay too young to be sent away to live with relatives. Your son needs you…and he needs his daddy. It is you and your husband’s responsibility to raise your child, teach him right from wrong, and teach him to respect you.

One of the things your husband seems upset about is that your son doesn’t speak Hindi–I’m assuming for cultural reasons. You don’t speak it, so what if you and your son learned it together? You could ask your husband for a couple hindi words for things around the house and you could gradually build your vocabulary as a family.

As far as the high spiritness goes, your son is still young. He needs discipline with consequences. Maybe see if you can check out some episodes of Nanny 911 or Supernanny to come up with creative reward systems. Perhaps you, your DH, and your son can watch some episodes together and see what you are doing wrong. From my experiences, this sometimes goes over better than telling your husband that he is wrong–instead the nanny is correcting *someone else *and you get the chance to learn from it without feeling defensive. What your son does NOT need is to be screamed at by his own father. That is just teaching him that screaming is the best way to get attention.

And, finally, kids pick up on things very quickly and the core problem seems to be your relationship with your husband. Your DH shouldn’t be behaving like a spoiled brat and his display of a lack of respect to you in front of your child teaches your child that respect is optional in your family dynamic. I would suggest marriage counseling to resolve some of you and your DH’s communication problems.

HTH! 🙂
 
okay, well we talked and calmed down and right now DS is not going anywhere - we work diff shifts and will therefore watch him alternatively for a year or so b4 preschool in which time H will speak to him only in his language and teach him. I said he’s to young and a year is too long (if when he’s older he wants to go for a summer, then maybe). So, for now I’m happy. Hope this doesn’t come up again and thank you both for your advice and prayers.
 
Noooooooody is gonna send MY son to a foreign country for a year. Ain’t happening. I am NOT gonna be absent for a year out of a 3 year olds life.

When my son was that age 3 days was pretty much outta the question. Thats one of the most fun times.

Glad to see cooler heads are prevailing.
 
With a Filipino wife and many friends from India and China, I’ve heard discussions of whole “teach them my/our mother tongue” pretty often. One of the suggestions I heard was to get children’s videos in the mother tongue (i.e. Barney singing in Hindi). You might also look for a local, “Saturday” school in Indian culture and language. Such are common in Chinese cultures, but I don’t know about Indian.

Paul
 
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Pinkyyy:
okay, well we talked and calmed down and right now DS is not going anywhere … Hope this doesn’t come up again and thank you both for your advice and prayers.
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Pinkyyy, I’m pleased this issue has been resolved.

However, I think you still need to have a good look at the state of your marriage as from your initial post there seem to a number of underlying issues that need to be addressed.

So please, continue to look at marriage counselling or whatever else is appropriate to make your marriage stronger and a safer place for both you and your son.
 
your son is too young to be sent abroad…even if he’ll be staying with your in-laws (which you have visited for just one time) , its really hard and different because he is in his growing up years. you have to explain everything with your husband and make him absorb that your son needs you most especially in this point of his life…

just pray pinky…everything’s gonna be alright

God bless you and your family

noodles
 
I’m happy your situation worked out for now. However, like Salonika and capsaisin, I’d like you to take a look at things.

It strikes me as odd in an Indian/ American marriage that the boy isn’t treated as if he king of the universe by his father. I’ve yet to meet an Indian family where boys were not cherished. Even in the best of families where girls were very much appreciated, boys are often given a little more slack than the girls. Their education usually comes before that of their sisters’ if there is a question of money.

I would also NEVER send my child alone to live in a foreign country, ever, even if he were 13 and not 3. The laws in these countries favor fathers. While I am not sure about India, in middle eastern countries as well as several european countries, children are given dual citizenship based on the citizenship of the foreign parent. Once a child is in the foreign country, the foreign parent stays, gets and is granted a divorce with full custody, and the American (that includes Canadians and Mexicans as well as those who are citizens of the United States) doesn’t see that child until grown, if at all.

http://www.afsa.org/fsj/nov00/geddanov.cfm
http://www.international-divorce.com/ca-lebanon.htm
travel.state.gov/family/abduction/abduction_580.html

Here is the state department information on India and international child abductions:
http://travel.state.gov/travel/cis_pa_tw/cis/cis_1139.html#children
CHILDREN’S ISSUES: India is not a signatory to the Hague Convention on the Civil Aspects of International Parental Child Abduction (although the Government of India has expressed its intention to sign the convention at some point in the future), nor is international child abduction considered to be a crime under Indian law. For information see our Office of Children’s Issues web pages on intercountry adoption and international parental child abduction.

This is not only in the book and movie, Not Without My Daughter. Do a google on American children held in foreign countries because the foreign parent (mostly guys sorry to say, but there are a few cases of women) goes on the lam to the Fatherland and takes the kid, under the guise of visiting Grandma or leanring a new culture.

Even if there is no rancor, and it’s as your husband says, there are instances of American children stuck in foreign countries. India is not all that stable right now. The story that comes to mind is during the unpleasantness in Georgia with Russia. There were two very young American children visiting their grandparents in Georgia.

I don’t know your husband, Pinkyyy. I only know what you’ve told us here. As an American parent, while I hope it’s not the case, I would be highly suspicious of shipping my underage child- and that’s under 18- anywhere outside of the US at this time.
 
Based on your prior posts regarding your husband, my question is-- why are you still there? Call a lawyer. Now.
 
Why the sudden turnaround? I’d be suspicious. Perhaps he has a plan of which you are not aware. Call a lawyer immediately. Do NOT let your guard down or your son out of your control, your husband sounds unbalanced at best.
 
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