Hugging friend at funeral

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on_the_hill

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If a married man goes to the funeral service for a married woman’s father, is it o.k. if he gives her a quick “condolence” hug?

I ask this because I have a feeling I may soon be that married man. A coworker’s father is not doing well; his health is deteriorating. I’m young enough (age 49) that this situation hasn’t come up yet, so I don’t have experience with how to handle it.
 
I don’t see any reason why supporting a friend in a time of grief would be inappropriate at all. Hugs, even “full frontal hugs” are not inherently sexual. (Unless you’re a follower of Bill Gothard, of course.:rolleyes: )

It’s very sad that you feel you even have to ask this question. 😦 I suppose this is due to the recent topic, in which many posters seemed to think that for a married man, it is inappropriate to have any meaningful friendship or emotional connection with any unrelated women other than his wife. (Though some made an exception for casual social “friends”, but it seemed that was only OK if you don’t actually have any caring feelings for them all, and wouldn’t even consider attending their own funerals, never mind their relatives.)
 
ToeInTheWater said:
I don’t see any reason why supporting a friend in a time of grief would be inappropriate at all. Hugs, even “full frontal hugs” are not inherently sexual. (Unless you’re a follower of Bill Gothard, of course.:rolleyes: )

It’s very sad that you feel you even have to ask this question. 😦 I suppose this is due to the recent topic, in which many posters seemed to think that for a married man, it is inappropriate to have any meaningful friendship or emotional connection with any unrelated women other than his wife. (Though some made an exception for casual social “friends”, but it seemed that was only OK if you don’t actually have any caring feelings for them all, and wouldn’t even consider attending their own funerals, never mind their relatives.)
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Agreed. Nothing wrong with it, and I can’t see any reason why it could be.

Lou
 
Just be natural about it. I’m sure it’ll be welcome support.
 
At a recent funeral for an infant (so very sad), my wife and I were saying our goodbyes to the young mother. Both my wife and I exchanged a hug with her, but I also received a peck on the cheek. No one gave it a thought. I’ve known this woman for ages, there isn’t/wasn’t any behavior to make anyone raise an eyebrow, and my wife (who can be quite touchy about this kind of thing) saw it as nothing more than what it was.

I understand the concern, but rest easy on this one and trust your instinct. The circumstances of such times usually have a way of automatically dictating proper expression without much need to think/overthink.
 
ToeInTheWater said:
I don’t see any reason why supporting a friend in a time of grief would be inappropriate at all. Hugs, even “full frontal hugs” are not inherently sexual. (Unless you’re a follower of Bill Gothard, of course.:rolleyes: )

It’s very sad that you feel you even have to ask this question. 😦 I suppose this is due to the recent topic, in which many posters seemed to think that for a married man, it is inappropriate to have any meaningful friendship or emotional connection with any unrelated women other than his wife. (Though some made an exception for casual social “friends”, but it seemed that was only OK if you don’t actually have any caring feelings for them all, and wouldn’t even consider attending their own funerals, never mind their relatives.)
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Nobody suggested that in the topic you’re talking about. I think you either misunderstood or are misrepresenting the views expressed.

And yes. Of course it would be appropriate to give a hug in the situation that the OP is referring to.
 
It is perfectly fine and a very natural thing to do under the circumstances.
 
Thank you. I’m not a guy who hugs, aside from my wife and kids and occasionally my mom.
 
There is nothing wrong with it on the surface. However, I wouldn’t do it if any of the following is true
  • it would upset your wife
  • it would upset the woman who lost her dad
  • it just isn’t the right moment
I don’t want to give you carte blanche to do it because there could be a reason not to, but seriously, I don’t think it is wrong
 
on_the_hill said:
Thank you. I’m not a guy who hugs, aside from my wife and kids and occasionally my mom.
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Don’t force it. Hugging is neither expected, nor frowned upon. Show whatever gesture of support you are comfortable with; perhaps take your cue from others ahead in line greeting the family after paying your respect to the deceased.
 
runningdude said:
Don’t force it. Hugging is neither expected, nor frowned upon. Show whatever gesture of support you are comfortable with; perhaps take your cue from others ahead in line greeting the family after paying your respect to the deceased.
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Yes.

A handshake can be very warm and heartfelt.
 
A hug can be very natural. Planning it out ahead of time though is odd.
 
on_the_hill said:
Thank you. I’m not a guy who hugs, aside from my wife and kids and occasionally my mom.
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It is a funeral. When your dad dies, you need the hugs you need. Don’t give it a second thought. If your friend’s best friend is there, she’ll probably need a hug, too. It can hit you pretty hard when someone who felt like a second father dies. I don’t just mean losing a parent. I mean facing the reality of the Grim Reaper closing the door on your youth, and feeling too alone.

Funerals can be awkward times by their nature. Do not worry about seeming awkward. Do what a brother would do, and you will be fine. If everyone is hugging everyone else and shaking your hand, don’t worry about that, either.

Contrast this to being the last ones in a bar after a wedding reception or class reunion party breaks up, or even a gathering that goes on well after the funeral is over, letting an old girlfriend or even just a close female acquaintance cry on your shoulder while she drowns all her regrets in life. You can hug her, too, but only if it is a very quick one as you’re headed for the exit. That is someone who isn’t herself, so don’t let that train leave the station.

Do you see the difference? I don’t think you need to worry that your wife won’t, or anyone else.
 
Anglewannabe said:
There is nothing wrong with it on the surface. However, I wouldn’t do it if any of the following is true
  • it would upset your wife
  • it would upset the woman who lost her dad
  • it just isn’t the right moment
I don’t want to give you carte blanche to do it because there could be a reason not to, but seriously, I don’t think it is wrong
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If a woman is upset because her husband gives a comforting hug to a mourning woman at a funeral, there are much deeper issues at play…
Seriously…outside of Puritan / Protestant influenced North America, no Catholic would even think of these questions! My wife is from the DR, and ANY Catholic ANYWHERE in Latin America or Southern Europe would burst into laughter at these discussions. When down there, my wife would think I’m a very cold and odd fellow if I refused to hug and kiss (on the cheek) her female friends and relatives…to not do so even on the street would be extremely rude. The agony these questions elicit in our Anglo culture point to attitudes that are very far removed from Catholicism, and perhaps more Gnostic in origin. My parents were forbidden to dance in school as moving one’s body to a beat was bound to lead to sexual impurity. We’re only a step removed from that attitude if we are even asking whether hugging a mourner at a funeral is inappropriate.
 
I was very comforted by a hug from a married male friend at the loss of my baby. He transmitted a great deal of comfort in his burly hug (he’s quite tall and a tad wide.) Don’t think twice. A grieving person can usually need a hug.
 
Well, alrighty then.

I’m also this woman’s boss, but I guess that’s not really relevant either.

For what it’s worth, crisis averted, her father is on the mend for the time being.
 
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