Hugs From Other Men

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iHeartGrumpyCat

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Hi, all-

I would like your (name removed by moderator)ut on something that has been a bone of contention in our marriage for years and this is, Other men hugging my wife.

I’m talking about men who are not family members or friends of the family, men I may know by sight, but not by name, that my wife may know through her work or we may have gone to church with that she may know, or not, but I do not know.

A couple of cases in point:
  1. Someone we ran into at a wine tasting. I’d never met the other man, but he used to work next door to my wife’s work.
It was a two armed hug on both their parts, maybe a two second hug.

To me this is an odd practice. I would never presume to hug a woman before meeting her husband. To me that seems disrespectful and a little dangerous. But maybe that’s just me.
  1. Another event, we ran across someone who had been trying to sell something to the office where she works. She’d already told me he had annoyed the office by being pushy and she didn’t even remember his name, but as soon as we ran across him and his wife at the event, he bounced out of his lawn chair and gave her a hug.
  2. A third event, same wine tasting, subsequent year. We see someone who belongs to our old parish. I know him by sight, probably from seeing him around town more than from seeing him at our old church, but I don’t know him and he doesn’t know me.
My wife limited it to a side hug, but honestly, she’s, um, busty, and a side hug doesn’t keep what I think of as inappropriate contact from occurring.

This guy held the hug for 5 seconds or longer until my wife introduced me, “Oh, and this big, strong man is my husband.” (My immediate thought was the hug made her a little uncomfortable.)

At this point he let go of my wife, put his hands up and made a hokey sounding apology. (Yeah, I’m pretty sure he was pulling some stuff, either enjoying my wife, or trying to irritate me, or both.)
  1. Guy who is busy around town volunteering, nice guy, who has always gone for the side hug. I genuinely like him. After he’s done talking with us, he will usually slap me on the shoulder, give it a rub and say his goodbye.
But, the last time we saw him, after the side hug he leaned in kind of close to say something to my wife and he was emphasizing something he was saying by touching her arm repeatedly, which she was holding across her torso, which put his fingers about two inches from her boobs. Which just seems a bit too familiar to me, especially since I’ve met him a few times, but he’s not what I would call a family friend. (Actually I don’t think I would appreciate a family friend doing that either.)

It appears to me that the men are always initiating these hugs and my wife is just reciprocating.

She’s mentioned in the past that people just like to hug her. Well, heck, I really like to hug her! Seriously, though, she’s a very nice person, kind, empathetic and I can see why people are attracted to her.

She’s said before that she really doesn’t like to be touched. Example: When the guy with no name gave her a hug, he kept touching my wife on the arm while explaining something to his wife (who didn’t look like she appreciated him touching my wife any more than I did), and afterward my wife said that it annoyed her that he kept touching her.

So, I’m not really sure she appreciates or wants the hugs, but is just being nice and accepting what she thinks are innocent, friendly shows of affection.

On the other hand, we’ve had a few bad experiences, one with a family member and another with a co-worker of hers that should serve to make anyone cautious about this sort of thing.

I am not against her hugging someone, as long as I am comfortable with it. But not knowing these people, and knowing what “men” can be like, I cannot stand by and let this happen until I have taken their measure.

I don’t hug other women unless they are family or family friends that she knows, and I would appreciate the same courtesy.

Another thing she vehemently disagrees with is my assertion that when a man hugs a woman, there is always a sexual component to it (I’m talking about the man initiating the hug). I mean, let’s face it, you women are soft and cuddly and we’re supposed to enjoy hugging you, but not inappropriately.

So, your feedback would be appreciated.

Am I out of line in my feelings?

Best,

GC
 
Honestly - we’re “huggers”… we have lots of friends that both DH and I hug (both the husbands and wives)… we even often give cheek-pecks to these friends…:bigyikes:
I have never had any thoughts about these things being inappropriate… because they’re not. My husband and I defend our marriage very strongly and outward signs of affection for good friends have no impact on that.
iHeartGrumpyCat said:
I don’t hug other women unless they are family or family friends that she knows, and I would appreciate the same courtesy.
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Sounds like you and your wife need to have a discussion in order to get on the same page. I’m not saying any particular way of thinking is “right” or “wrong”, but since you’re not on the same page then this needs to be discussed.
iHeartGrumpyCat said:
Another thing she vehemently disagrees with is my assertion that when a man hugs a woman, there is always a sexual component to it (I’m talking about the man initiating the hug). I mean, let’s face it, you women are soft and cuddly and we’re supposed to enjoy hugging you, but not inappropriately.
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I agree with your wife.
 
Your wife can ask your pastor about how to politely but firmly keep people she does not feel comfortable with hugging from hugging her. Priests must get that all the time, especially the ones who are very approachable, out-going and well-liked. She may have to learn to put her hand out for a handshake whenever she sees an assault that she does not welcome, or to turn so as to accept only a side-hug. It is not as if a guy can bodily turn her towards him when half a hug is obviously all that she was willing to welcome! Of course, this will require her to actually admit it when she does welcome an embrace. You might ask: She is totally willing to admit to the hugs she wants and the hugs she doesn’t want, and would not dream of acting as if this is all initiated by someone else when she is capable of drawing her own boundaries…right?

I cannot speak to whether “when a man hugs a woman, there is always a sexual component to it”, but I have heard more than one of my brothers comment that if women could read minds, they’d probably all wear burkas. For some guys, by their own accounts, even a burka won’t keep them from ideas about nearby women that they wouldn’t want tattooed across their foreheads. This is particular true of women who are obviously not built like boys. We can’t expect your wife to put on the behavioral equivalent of a burka, either. Men are going to touch her. It is between the two of you how she draws the boundaries when that happens. I would guess she’s be willing to tone it down to side-hugs, though. That’s where I usually go when someone I don’t really want to hug tries to wrap me up.

(The guy with no name did not deserve polite treatment. He needed to be told that he was mistaken about her boundaries, and in no uncertain terms. He might not appreciate it, but his wife probably would.)
 
I didn’t pick and option because I would prefer “Depends on the man”. I’m a very huggy person, so I will hug back anyone who hugs me. BUT, some people hugging me would make me very uncomfortable. In some cultures, you’ll also get two cheek kisses along with it.
 
RedSparklyShoes said:
I didn’t pick and option because I would prefer “Depends on the man”. I’m a very huggy person, so I will hug back anyone who hugs me. BUT, some people hugging me would make me very uncomfortable. In some cultures, you’ll also get two cheek kisses along with it.
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Yes, and in some cultures a man who has not even met her husband gives a 5-second full-frontal embrace to an unsuspecting woman is going to get a slap from the woman, followed by getting the snot beaten out of him by the husband or the male relatives.
 
all four cases.

I’d take my riding crop to that blackguard and thrash him to within an inch of his life, then boot him to the gutter.
 
EasterJoy said:
…I have heard more than one of my brothers comment that if women could read minds, they’d probably all wear burkas. For some guys, by their own accounts, even a burka won’t keep them from ideas about nearby women that they wouldn’t want tattooed across their foreheads. This is particular true of women who are obviously not built like boys
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Thank you!

That attraction is hard-wired into us.

That sexual component might be quite pronounced, or it may just be slight thrill, a good feeling, that is (more or less) innocent.

I just want to know that someone is not a creep before they hug my wife.

To do that, I need to know them a bit.

Note, I don’t mind her hugging our Choirmaster, he is an old friend, or other family friends who I know. It’s just the unknowns that bother me.
 
I’m a single 21-year-old, taking college classes from home, so you can take my advice with a grain of salt. But here are my thoughts:
  1. Being a husband, you are well within reason to be concerned about your wife hugging other men. However, it seems your wife loves you and considers it not a big deal because she truly does honor you as a cut above other men. I don’t think she has any intention of cheating on you, physically or in her heart.
  2. Many of my friends are girls, and I find them very attractive. Some are dating, engaged, and even married. Hugging is simply our traditional greeting, and is more often two-armed. By the same token, I respect them as I would a sister, and treat her as I would anyone else.
  3. I wouldn’t rule out the fact that maybe some men are making veiled advances on your wife, but as I said earlier, she probably sees it just as a kind gesture and is reciprocating it. Keep your eyes peeled, but don’t be too paranoid about it. If a certain guy seems to be trying to always get close to her in a way that somehow seems a little too friendly, and it happens repeatedly, I would say something to him calmly and politely.
 
JackVk said:
I’m a single 21-year-old, taking college classes from home, so you can take my advice with a grain of salt. But here are my thoughts:
  1. Being a husband, you are well within reason to be concerned about your wife hugging other men. However, it seems your wife loves you and considers it not a big deal because she truly does honor you as a cut above other men. I don’t think she has any intention of cheating on you, physically or in her heart.
  2. Many of my friends are girls, and I find them very attractive. Some are dating, engaged, and even married. Hugging is simply our traditional greeting, and is more often two-armed. By the same token, I respect them as I would a sister, and treat her as I would anyone else.
  3. I wouldn’t rule out the fact that maybe some men are making veiled advances on your wife, but as I said earlier, she probably sees it just as a kind gesture and is reciprocating it. Keep your eyes peeled, but don’t be too paranoid about it. If a certain guy seems to be trying to always get close to her in a way that somehow seems a little too friendly, and it happens repeatedly, I would say something to him calmly and politely.
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Yeah, well, I don’t think it is a bad thing that men don’t have too many opportunities to “feel out” who might be interested in extracurriculars, not to mention that it would be a good thing to have some boundaries to reign in the guys who, to be quite blunt, are only too willing to cop a feel that is just at the boundary between getting called on it and not, and I don’t like that they have room to “act” as if it was all a misunderstanding. It isn’t awful that we’re not a super strait-laced society, but it has gotten out of hand. The creeps exploit that.
 
Em_in_FL said:
You mean - people she knows, but unknown to you…???
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That is exactly what I mean.

We know people that I would no way in Hades let touch her, nor would she allow them to.

I do not believe she realizes how many creepy people are out there and before someone hugs my wife I want to take his measure.

(Hmmm, is that in the Bible? If not, it should be.)
 
EasterJoy said:
Yeah, well, I don’t think it is a bad thing that men don’t have too many opportunities to “feel out” who might be interested in extracurriculars, not to mention that it would be a good thing to have some boundaries to reign in the guys who, to be quite blunt, are only too willing to cop a feel that is just at the boundary between getting called on it and not, and I don’t like that they have room to “act” as if it was all a misunderstanding. It isn’t awful that we’re not a super strait-laced society, but it has gotten out of hand. The creeps exploit that.
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Yes, that is true. Even if you’re not a creep, you can get careless and have such thoughts. Boundaries are definite musts, but to get too legalistic allows for creeps to operate “under the radar”.
 
People are too huggy lately. I noticed that in my own life, as well as on tv. I see people, including men, hugging and kissing the cheek of a woman when they meet.

I do not like being touched much, so I notice the hugs people try to force on me. Lately I’ve been getting hugged a lot by other moms when I go to group activities. I’m learning to tolerate it to be polite, but I do not like it. I especially hate it when a man hugs me. I only hug my dad and small nephews. I rarely hug my father and brothers, and I never hug male in-laws. I have a few friends who have husbands that will hug me and kiss my cheek. Ugh! I feel creepy for days after that. 6 months ago, a former co-worker of my husband saw us at a restaurant. The man immediately came over and hugged me and kisssed my cheek. I had only met the guy one time, years before, so I had no clue who this stranger was that was touching me. This really bothered me for days. Just the other day a lady I had just met hugged me to thank me for helping her with something. What’s wrong with just saying thank you?

I’m not anything to look at. I am extremely overweight, don’t wear makeup, my clothes are frumpy, and my hair is usually a frizzy mess, thrown into a pony tail, so they are not hugging me to get close to a beauty.
 
Yeah, I’m thinking other men want to hug your wife. Have her take martial arts classes and when she sees one of these boundary-violators come at her with arms out, she can move in and throw him on his back.

Well, that would be funny but not so charitable. But it might just give her a different vibe to men. And she would learn how to avoid contact if that is what she wishes to do. Talk to her about this. I think some people do go too far when it comes to physical contact, and she could be sending signals without realizing it. Or, just because of her attractive features, the men purposely touch her. :mad:

I only hug men in my family and one gay male friend. I have hugged a friend of my husband’s but we both know him very well and I also hugged his wife, whom I had just met.
 
iHeartGrumpyCat said:
Are you for hire? 🙂
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intimidation is an art, padawan.

but seriously, being overly familiar with another man’s woman is not something gentlemen do, and especially not the “side hug”, that’s beyond moronic. giving a side hug is itself enough cause to lay a righteous smitedown on someone.
 
iHeartGrumpyCat said:
That is exactly what I mean.

We know people that I would no way in Hades let touch her, nor would she allow them to.

I do not believe she realizes how many creepy people are out there and before someone hugs my wife I want to take his measure.

(Hmmm, is that in the Bible? If not, it should be.)
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My only thought is that these could just be innocently “huggy” people.
(which now makes me wonder if I’ve ever made another wife uncomfortable by innocently hugging her husband)…
🤷

If this is something that truly bothers you and your wife, then you need to work on strategies for dealing with these situations. Body language says a lot. If someone obviously looked timid or shy I don’t think I would be as inclined to hug them. But if their face is lighting up and I see smiles and signs of outward affection then it appears as though they are welcoming and open to a greeting.
 
JackVk said:
I don’t think she has any intention of cheating on you, physically or in her heart.
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Have you been hugging my wife? Seriously, I don’t know how you can possibly know that, but I’m not worried about her. I’m worried about the creeps.
JackVk said:
I respect them as I would a sister, and treat her as I would anyone else.
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I’m OK with that concept, but…I have to…take their measure first.
JackVk said:
If a certain guy seems to be trying to always get close to her in a way that somehow seems a little too friendly, and it happens repeatedly, I would say something to him calmly and politely.
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I have no doubt that some of them are making advances.

In the future I will be giving calm and possibly polite warnings. But once and only once.
 
I’m a physically affectionate person. My love language is physical touch, and I love giving people hugs. That being said, I generally don’t hug people the first time I meet them, because first off I know not everyone loves hugs, and secondly I know that they might, but they simply don’t like being hugged when you first meet them. After the first time I meet you (Or when I sense you won’t be uncomfortable), I will hug you. Being physically affectionate is a good thing (Just like the other love languages are good), but just like the other love languages you must apply boundaries for yourself so you don’t make others uncomfortable and/or angry.
 
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