Hugs From Other Men

[hannajomar]

I don’t think it’s the place of a husband to choose who is or is not allowed to hug his wife.
I do think that husbands and wives need to mutually negotiate what kind of physical contact they expect regarding the opposite sex. And we should try to avoid contact that reasonably makes our spouse uncomfortable.

I have male friends I have known for decades who I don’t feel comfortable hugging. And I have had male acquaintances whom I have hugged with no problem. I would have a serious problem if my husband tried to be my bouncer.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

The big problem here is our lack of agreement on boundaries.

Like some of the other female posters in this thread, she doesn’t seem to want to believe there are a lot of creeps out there who will push the boundaries of appropriate behavior to get their jollies.

All men are horndogs, but some of us can control ourselves.

Oh, I see. I thought you said you guys were in agreement that some or most of these guys should NOT be hugging her.

Well, that is a different problem. I would suggest that you talk to your wife and explain that you have a problem with strange males giving her hugs. And by strange, I mean someone that she barely knows, including male co-workers and random salesmen. Explain that whether or not she realizes it, some of these men are hugging her to feel her body. Some may well be innocent but it is not, in my opinion, appropriate for married women to be open to body contact to anyone but her husband and close relatives or friends.

If you were not present, these men have set up a dynamic whereby the next move they make might be an invitation to do something other than hug. Body language and etiquette are important.

Even if ONE spouse is bothered, then the other spouse needs to honor that and find a way to compromise.

 

[iHeartGrumpyCat]

I don’t think I have ever encountered anyone creepily walking around trying to hug people. If a stranger walked up to me at Target or the mall and tried to hug me, they would get punched in the face, no matter what gender they are.

Haha, so would my wife.

These aren’t exactly strangers, but not exactly friends, either. More like…acquaintances.

GC

Wednesday- This is my costume. I’m a homicidal maniac- they look just like everyone else.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Well, in some other cultures like Japan, they take hugging as an affront and I have never seen a Japanese hug another person. So, we might have to be careful going into another country and observe how they do things. I am talking to all you big huggers out there.

This. Remember when Michelle Obama HUGGED Queen Elizabeth?? BAD violation of protocol! We can’t take our touchy-feely culture into other places and expect the others to adjust.

 

[Becca3]

This. Remember when Michelle Obama HUGGED Queen Elizabeth?? BAD violation of protocol! We can’t take our touchy-feely culture into other places and expect the others to adjust.

I must have missed that but yeah, the First Lady should have known better, she should have courtesy or bow down in front of the Queen.

 

[iHeartGrumpyCat]

Has she ever given you a reason to not trust her?

Nope, but far too many men HAVE!

 

[KendraDZ1902]

This. Remember when Michelle Obama HUGGED Queen Elizabeth?? BAD violation of protocol! We can’t take our touchy-feely culture into other places and expect the others to adjust.

Yes! We should learn the customs of the area we are planning on visiting.

 

[Viki63]

Even if ONE spouse is bothered, then the other spouse needs to honor that and find a way to compromise.

I think this is the crux of it. Talk it over.

I don’t like being hugged and people rarely try it, probably because I’m tall. In the last year I’ve hugged 2 people, both of whom had suffered a death in their family. Customs differ.

 

[Becca3]

I think this is the crux of it. Talk it over.

I don’t like being hugged and people rarely try it, probably because I’m tall. In the last year I’ve hugged 2 people, both of whom had suffered a death in their family. Customs differ.

My sentiments exactly. Another reason I don’t hug is cuz I am very short.

 

[iHeartGrumpyCat]

If you were not present, these men have set up a dynamic whereby the next move they make might be an invitation to do something other than hug.

Funny you should mention that. One of these guys offered to do a favor for my wife a few months back, something that I had actually already taken care of for her, and that’s just what she told him.

Just being nice? Possibly. Making a move? Possibly.

I’m still taking his measure, but I’ll be darned watchful either way.

Constant vigilance! - Alastor Moody

Even if ONE spouse is bothered, then the other spouse needs to honor that and find a way to compromise.

Thank you.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

I think that this is ridiculous.

I know LOTS of men that my fiance has never met. I’m a law student in a male-dominated program, and frequently we run into men that I’m either in school with or have worked with at some point during my internship/employment career. I know these men, I have seen them on a daily basis, I have interacted with them, and if they want to hug I’m fine with it. And you know what? So is my fiance because he trusts my judgement. There is no reason for me to turn down a hug that I would otherwise be fine with just because he doesn’t know the man and may want a chance to “size him up”. Nope, not happening. I’m not making things awkward and damaging relationships because of someone else’s ego and deep need to feel like he’s protecting me from a (non-existent) threat.

Stop calling your wife stupid, naive, oblivious, etc and just respect her. If she isn’t creeped out drop the issue unless you are given an explicit reason to be concerned. If she is creeped out by a man, then you can go into macho mode.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Funny you should mention that. One of these guys offered to do a favor for my wife a few months back, something that I had actually already taken care of for her, and that’s just what she told him.

Just being nice? Possibly. Making a move? Possibly.

I’m still taking his measure, but I’ll be darned watchful either way.

Constant vigilance! - Alastor Moody

Thank you.

If my husband told me that it bothered him when I hugged his friend, even if I saw no harm in it whatsoever, I would stop doing it.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Even if ONE spouse is bothered, then the other spouse needs to honor that and find a way to compromise.

I agree 100%. However, spouses are obligated to take a lot into consideration when deciding what is worth being bothered over. I could be bothered that my fiance talks to his mom every week, or that sometimes he has to work late, or that stand-up is his passion and it sometimes means that we spend what should be lazy weekends driving long hours to a gig, or that he eats pizza way too often.

But those things are either unavoidable or a part of who he is that predates me (and the calling his mom and traveling are things I love), and most of them are none of my business. If she has always been ok with the hugs, she knows the men, and he has no reason to think that she is behaving inappropriately then I do think that in this situation he needs to realize that it is her body, she is not acting outside of societal norms and customs, that she knows these men, and that she has determined that these hugs are innocent. He needs to trust her judgement.

 

[KendraDZ1902]

I agree 100%. However, spouses are obligated to take a lot into consideration when deciding what is worth being bothered over. I could be bothered that my fiance talks to his mom every week, or that sometimes he has to work late, or that stand-up is his passion and it sometimes means that we spend what should be lazy weekends driving long hours to a gig, or that he eats pizza way too often.

But those things are either unavoidable or a part of who he is that predates me (and the calling his mom and traveling are things I love), and most of them are none of my business. If she has always been ok with the hugs, she knows the men, and he has no reason to think that she is behaving inappropriately then I do think that in this situation he needs to realize that it is her body, she is not acting outside of societal norms and customs, that she knows these men, and that she has determined that these hugs are innocent. He needs to trust her judgement.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

If my husband told me that it bothered him when I hugged his friend, even if I saw no harm in it whatsoever, I would stop doing it.

If I had that request made of me I would have a lot of followup questions. For example: Why? Have I done something to make you wary of me doing something as simple as hugging your friend? Has this friend said or done anything to make you uncomfortable with me? Does he have a history of sexually harassing women?

If all of those questions came back with “Just because. He could be horny and I want to size him up first” we would have a very serious talk about trust, respect, and jealousy.

 

[iHeartGrumpyCat]

I’m not making things awkward and damaging relationships because of someone else’s ego and deep need to feel like he’s protecting me from a (non-existent) threat.

I can easily imagine that in your case no threat exists, but in my original post I pointed out four instances where inappropriate behavior was exhibited. There are others that I haven’t mentioned.

The world is full of barf bags (as an aspiring lawyer you are well aware of this.)

Considering how hard you are choking on the BLUE pill you will have a hard time understanding this, but it is the husband’s responsibility to take care of his wife.

Women are far too often victims.

Where it concerns my wife, it is my job to prevent that.

GC

What does a lawyer use for birth control?
His personality.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

If I had that request made of me I would have a lot of followup questions. For example: Why? Have I done something to make you wary of me doing something as simple as hugging your friend? Has this friend said or done anything to make you uncomfortable with me? Does he have a history of sexually harassing women?

If all of those questions came back with “Just because. He could be horny and I want to size him up first” we would have a very serious talk about trust, respect, and jealousy.

Well, we’ve been married 24 years now, and some things are just more important than worrying about why.

The OP said his wife is quite busty. You think all these men giving her hugs don’t enjoy that? He’s a man, and he knows how men think. Sometimes men do this to another man in order to raise their own status - it’s a way to say “I am more powerful than you, since I can get close to your wife like this.”

 

[ActingCatholic]

Considering how hard you are choking on the BLUE pill you will have a hard time understanding this

-](Dude, this is hostile.)/-] no harm, no foul

I agree with what TheRealJuliane is saying and think that the real issue isn’t about the behavior of the husband or wife, but the behavior of other men who think they have a right to hug a woman they barely know.

Like I said earlier, I find the approach of the OP to be somewhat problematic, but the core idea is solid. Creeps shouldn’t have free reign.

 

[Aggie414]

I haven’t read all the responses, but here’s my two cents:

It might be a regional thing – best word I can come up with. I live in Texas and hugging is an appropriate way of greeting others – even at work occasionally, though not as common. I tend to hug everyone I greet. Now mostly it’s a one arm around the back kind of hug; but if it’s someone I’m really familiar with, it’s a two-arm kind of hug.

Now, I’m not married; but I do have to say that if the OP were my husband, I might get a little annoyed if he got upset because he hadn’t vetted someone that I hugged. I would also, if I were his wife, try to be very cognizant of his feelings; but I can’t be constantly having a conversation in my head “I wonder, has my husband ever met this person? Can I hug him? Has my husband known him well enough for me to hug him” because, quite frankly, the hug would already have been over by the time I had that conversation in my head. And it’s so ingrained in my personality that I don’t know that I would have even thought about it.

As on of the other posters said, it’s not a matter of right or wrong, it’s a matter of personality style; but I don’t think necessarily that a spouse should be able to dictate how their spouse greets others IF there’s no other issues in the marriage.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Well, we’ve been married 24 years now, and some things are just more important than worrying about why.

The OP said his wife is quite busty. You think all these men giving her hugs don’t enjoy that? He’s a man, and he knows how men think. Sometimes men do this to another man in order to raise their own status - it’s a way to say “I am more powerful than you, since I can get close to your wife like this.”

I am also quite busty and I am well aware that there are dirtbags who like to try to hug for that reason. But let’s give the woman some credit. She knows these men, she’s not stupid, and he already said that there has been times that she has felt that men were crossing the line, which tells me that she isn’t completely naive either.

He needs to stop trying to act like Officer Cowboy and start listening to his wife when she says that she knows these people, she has no reason not to trust their intentions, and that she’s comfortable. That’s just basic respect.