Hugs From Other Men

[maryjk]

The big problem here is our lack of agreement on boundaries.

Like some of the other female posters in this thread, she doesn’t seem to want to believe there are a lot of creeps out there who will push the boundaries of appropriate behavior to get their jollies.

All men are horndogs, but some of us can control ourselves.

It seems like you have a problem with all males. Sorry, but as attractive as your wife may be, not all men are going after her. Some are just being friendly.

I don’t think I have ever encountered anyone creepily walking around trying to hug people. If a stranger walked up to me at Target or the mall and tried to hug me, they would get punched in the face, no matter what gender they are.

Me either.

I get hugged a lot. I get hugged at Church. (My husband isn’t Catholic, so he isn’t there most of the time.)

And I get hugged at my husband’s work. Most of the guys there are just happy to see me. (I have health problems that sometimes cause me to be housebound.)

Haha, so would my wife.

These aren’t exactly strangers, but not exactly friends, either. More like…acquaintances.

GC

Wednesday- This is my costume. I’m a homicidal maniac- they look just like everyone else.

It sounds like they are men your wife knows but you don’t. She is fine with the hugs, but you aren’t.

This isn’t really about the guys. It is about your wife. You don’t need to stop them from hugging your wife, but you do need to stop her from accepting the hugs.

Full disclosure, my husband isn’t bothered that I get hugged. He trusts me fully and would never worry about me cheating.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

(Dude, this is hostile.)

Is it? I have to admit I live under a rock. Is this a Matrix reference, a Viagra reference, or something else that I’m unaware of?

 

[KendraDZ1902]

OP, was your wife a huggy person before y’all married? Is this a new development? I have ALWAYS been a huggy person, so I would have a few choice words with anyone who was wanting me to change how I have always been.

 

[KendraDZ1902]

Is it? I have to admit I live under a rock. Is this a Matrix reference, a Viagra reference, or something else that I’m unaware of?

I didn’t get the blue pill reference, either. lol.

 

[Ophelia23]

I would take your wife’s personality into consideration on this one. I, for example, am a hugger. I’m a friend-maker, and very open with my affection. My husband knows this about me, and we have set limits and boundaries within parameters that were respectful to both of us. If my hubby were to tell me I could no longer hug or build relationships in a way that is natural for me, he would honestly be taking away a big part of who I am. It is a give and take… I respect his limits and he respects my discretion. Just something to consider.

 

[lerapt78]

Out of the four scenarios you gave, I would only consider #4 to be creepy and something worth addressing. An unnecessarily prolonged touch *is *inappropriate, even in cultures where a quick hug/kiss is a common method of greeting. It seems like your wife did correctly give off the “I’m not into this” body language by keeping her arms crossed. If the guy is astute enough to pick up on subtleties, he probably won’t consider his overt affection to be welcomed the next time they meet.

Just want to mention, I’d take a more nonchalant attitude toward cases #1 and #3. You said both times these men spontaneously hugged your wife, you were at a wine tasting. Personally speaking, I’m a pretty affectionate person all-around. . . . but when I get some red wine into my system there’s a strong likelihood of treating those around me with a bit more “gusto” than is probably necessary.

 

[tuscany]

**I’ve found that the people I don’t care to hug I need to be pro- active with. When I see
them walking over to me or turning to me, I give them a big smile and put
my arm and hand way out front to shake their hand.
With the arm and hand between us, they have always
kept that distance between us. She just needs to call the shots on where things go
rather than letting the men dictate things.

Is this something you wife can try with those she is uncomfortable with ?**

 

[EasterJoy]

Let us picture some of the women out there who need to “hug” every guy they see…not just the guys who are like brothers to them, either. You know the women I mean, ladies. In college, they were the ones who’d take two sips out of some girly drink, then start their way around the gathering claiming “I’m so drunk!” and kissing and hugging and who-knows-what every male in the room they found attractive. (“Yeah. Sure. You’re “so drunk” and we all believed that”…that one. If you didn’t meet her by the time you were 30, lucky you.)

I’m thinking that there are many women here posting about how insulting it is that a husband would possibly take exception to some guy he doesn’t even know giving his wife and sustained full-frontal hug that would change their tunes if Ms. “I’m So Drunk!” showed up, drunk or not, shimmying up to their husbands with her “harmless” hugs and “pecks on the cheek”. (Anyone feeling that guttural Marge Simpson growl rising up at this mental picture, ladies?)

Just sayin’…sometimes, the spouse knows. Let them have that much. This isn’t saying that a spouse ought to have sway over who gets to talk to you, compliment you, or consider you a friend. We’re talking about sustained body contact, parts-you-keep-covered-in-public contact, or someone putting their mouth on you. I say, either spouse gets to have a veto on that.

 

[iHeartGrumpyCat]

The OP said his wife is quite busty. You think all these men giving her hugs don’t enjoy that?

Anyone who doesn’t believe that is delusional. Trust me, we notice and we enjoy. Can’t be helped.

Sometimes men do this to another man in order to raise their own status - it’s a way to say “I am more powerful than you, since I can get close to your wife like this.”

Bingo! That, too, is an issue.

Very disrespectful, and stupid, thing to do. People have been killed for less.

God Bless You, Juliane. You are truly insightful.

 

[iHeartGrumpyCat]

-](Dude, this is hostile.)/-] no harm, no foul

Sorry, I’ll try to play nice.

I agree with what TheRealJuliane is saying and think that the real issue isn’t about the behavior of the husband or wife, but the behavior of other men who think they have a right to hug a woman they barely know.

Thank you!

Creeps shouldn’t have free reign.

No, they should not.

 

[iHeartGrumpyCat]

I’m thinking that there are many women here posting about how insulting it is that a husband would possibly take exception to some guy he doesn’t even know giving his wife and sustained full-frontal hug that would change their tunes if Ms. “I’m So Drunk!” showed up, drunk or not, shimmying up to their husbands with her “harmless” hugs and “pecks on the cheek”.

Funny you should mention that. At last year’s Christmas party, we were walking out and stopped at one of the tables and a pretty young lady from her work turned, put her hand on my stomach, rubbed me a little and said, “Well, you seem very nice!”

My wife is still angry about that (GO FIGURE!)

But, she says that what happened to me was worse than what I’m complaining about.

Now…if her hand had rubbed about three inches lower, she might be onto something.

MeeeOOOOWWWW.

 

[iHeartGrumpyCat]

I didn’t get the blue pill reference, either. lol.

I’ll explain it, but you’re not going to like it.

BLUE pill refers to the concept that men and women are complete equals, yada, yada, yada.

RED pill refers to the truth which is that we aren’t completely equal.

I am never going to be able to push a baby out of my vagina, while you are never going to be able to father a child, at least not in the way that God intended.

Basically it’s like this, all humanity is equal in that we all deserve to be treated with courtesy, respect and dignity (including not being groped by schlubs.)

Beyond that equality is pretty much non-existent.

We all have our own strengths and weaknesses, which makes us…all different.

 

[JackieMom]

Let us picture some of the women out there who need to “hug” every guy they see…not just the guys who are like brothers to them, either. You know the women I mean, ladies. In college, they were the ones who’d take two sips out of some girly drink, then start their way around the gathering claiming “I’m so drunk!” and kissing and hugging and who-knows-what every male in the room they found attractive. (“Yeah. Sure. You’re “so drunk” and we all believed that”…that one. If you didn’t meet her by the time you were 30, lucky you.)

I’m thinking that there are many women here posting about how insulting it is that a husband would possibly take exception to some guy he doesn’t even know giving his wife and sustained full-frontal hug that would change their tunes if Ms. “I’m So Drunk!” showed up, drunk or not, shimmying up to their husbands with her “harmless” hugs and “pecks on the cheek”. (Anyone feeling that guttural Marge Simpson growl rising up at this mental picture, ladies?)

Just sayin’…sometimes, the spouse knows. Let them have that much. This isn’t saying that a spouse ought to have sway over who gets to talk to you, compliment you, or consider you a friend. We’re talking about sustained body contact, parts-you-keep-covered-in-public contact, or someone putting their mouth on you. I say, either spouse gets to have a veto on that.

See, that wouldn’t bug me at all. I know where my man’s heart lies and I guess I’m just not the jealous type. We could both laugh and roll our eyes about a flirtatious woman trying to hug or hang on him. I know I got nothin’ to worry about. Having said that, if it did bother me, my husband would just leave the situation or whatever made me comfortable within reason.

 

[KendraDZ1902]

I’ll explain it, but you’re not going to like it.

BLUE pill refers to the concept that men and women are complete equals, yada, yada, yada.

RED pill refers to the truth which is that we aren’t completely equal.

I am never going to be able to push a baby out of my vagina, while you are never going to be able to father a child, at least not in the way that God intended.

Basically it’s like this, all humanity is equal in that we all deserve to be treated with courtesy, respect and dignity (including not being groped by schlubs.)

Beyond that equality is pretty much non-existent.

We all have our own strengths and weaknesses, which makes us…all different.

I’m a strange bird. lol. I understand that male and female are different. I don’t ever want to be a daddy. haha I also don’t mind my hubby wearing the pants per se. I can take care of myself and because of his career I HAVE to take care of myself. That doesn’t mean that I don’t mind being a lady and allowing him to open doors, take out the trash, you know…all the boy stuff. BUT I am capable of doing all those things. My momma taught me how to be domesticated and my daddy taught me how to throw a football, shoot a gun, change the oil, etc.
I have to do all the guy stuff around here when he is gone. I can only think of one thing that I absolutely NEED him be here for and that is to produce children. It is also not a guarantee that he will be there to run to the grocery store when I am having cravings or be there to see the birth.
So I don’t agree that beyond being treated with respect and dignity equality is pretty much non-existent.

Don’t get me wrong I LOVE my husband, but I didn’t marry him because I am a pitiful women who can’t take care of herself.

 

[thewanderer]

I think that this is ridiculous.

I know LOTS of men that my fiance has never met. I’m a law student in a male-dominated program, and frequently we run into men that I’m either in school with or have worked with at some point during my internship/employment career. I know these men, I have seen them on a daily basis, I have interacted with them, and if they want to hug I’m fine with it. And you know what? So is my fiance because he trusts my judgement. There is no reason for me to turn down a hug that I would otherwise be fine with just because he doesn’t know the man and may want a chance to “size him up”. Nope, not happening. I’m not making things awkward and damaging relationships because of someone else’s ego and deep need to feel like he’s protecting me from a (non-existent) threat.

Stop calling your wife stupid, naive, oblivious, etc and just respect her. If she isn’t creeped out drop the issue unless you are given an explicit reason to be concerned. If she is creeped out by a man, then you can go into macho mode.

I have to say, this post summed up a lot of my feelings as I read through this thread very nicely. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I also think that people need to take the feelings of their spouses into account, but seriously, OP, your posts are coming across as though you don’t respect your wife enough to trust her to have good judgement. And, maybe she doesn’t have good judgement, but even if that is the case, you need to respect her enough to allow her to make her own mistakes. Sure, advise her against it, try to make her see things your way, do what you can to protect her by convincing her that you are right, but then respect whatever decisions she makes about it. You might not like them, but ultimately they are her decisions, not yours and you have to respect that.

As for the scenarios you’ve given, yeah, they definitely seem suspect. (although it is also very possible that the story we are being presented with has been tainted through the lense of a jealous husband, but none of us here can know which is true ) Yes, men can be creeps, but they really aren’t all as bad as you seem to think OP. Also, as was pointed out, women can be creeps too, and are creeps far more often than you seem to think. This is not a mans problem as you seem to think.

 

[maryjk]

I have to say, this post summed up a lot of my feelings as I read through this thread very nicely. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I also think that people need to take the feelings of their spouses into account, but seriously, **OP, your posts are coming across as though you don’t respect your wife enough to trust her to have good judgement. And, maybe she doesn’t have good judgement, but even if that is the case, you need to respect her enough to allow her to make her own mistakes. **Sure, advise her against it, try to make her see things your way, do what you can to protect her by convincing her that you are right, but then respect whatever decisions she makes about it. You might not like them, but ultimately they are her decisions, not yours and you have to respect that.

It seems as though he either doesn’t respect his wife’s judgement or he doesn’t trust her. One or the other.

 

[VeritasLuxMea]

To what extent is it a cultural thing? I’m a man, and I’m from New York. I regularly greet female friends with a hug and a kiss on the cheek. I find that when I do not initiate such a greeting, they tend to initiate it anyway.

Never have I stopped to think about whether that might offend a husband, since it is a rather customary greeting between friends here.

People that the woman is not all that familiar with are one thing. People that are friends of the woman but do not know the husband are quite another. It sounds like you have a problem with both, not just the former, but the latter as well.

I was at a wake tonight and encountered a female friend that I was very close to at one point, but had subsequently lost touch with. She met and married a man while we were out of touch. I was aware of this, but did not know her husband. So I met her husband tonight, gave him a handshake and exchanged a hug and kiss with my friend, the wife. Never would I have thought twice about doing so, quite frankly.

If you do not want men to hug your wife, then that is between you and your wife and that is the way you are going to have to handle this. I’m of two minds on her response: she should take any concerns you raise quite seriously, as you are husband and wife. At the same time, you have an obligation to fully consider whether making such a demand of your wife is necessary, whether there is good cause to make the demand or whether, perhaps, there is something worrisome in your psychology.

I am inclined to question your motives here, for the following two reasons. First, the way you make men out to be sex machines, incapable of healthy affections. Second, that you would not trust your wife to make reasonable decisions about boundaries, even though she has given you no cause to be so distrustful. You make your wife out to be pretty dang stupid, really, implying that you are such a far superior judge of character.

 

[VeritasLuxMea]

iHeartGrumpyCat:

Bingo! That, too, is an issue.

Very disrespectful, and stupid, thing to do. People have been killed for less.

OK, see it’s this kind of comment that doesn’t help your cause…

 

[EasterJoy]

See, that wouldn’t bug me at all. I know where my man’s heart lies and I guess I’m just not the jealous type. We could both laugh and roll our eyes about a flirtatious woman trying to hug or hang on him. I know I got nothin’ to worry about. Having said that, if it did bother me, my husband would just leave the situation or whatever made me comfortable within reason.

Yeah…it could be that type of behavior is annoying no matter to me what men are being pawed. I don’t know that it would bother me any more if a woman did that to my husband than it would bother me that she did it at all. Still, there are female “creeps” out there! (Ick.)

 

[Havard]

To what extent is it a cultural thing? I’m a man, and I’m from New York. I regularly greet female friends with a hug and a kiss on the cheek. I find that when I do not initiate such a greeting, they tend to initiate it anyway.

Never have I stopped to think about whether that might offend a husband, since it is a rather customary greeting between friends here.

People that the woman is not all that familiar with are one thing. People that are friends of the woman but do not know the husband are quite another. It sounds like you have a problem with both, not just the former, but the latter as well.

I was at a wake tonight and encountered a female friend that I was very close to at one point, but had subsequently lost touch with. She met and married a man while we were out of touch. I was aware of this, but did not know her husband. So I met her husband tonight, gave him a handshake and exchanged a hug and kiss with my friend, the wife. Never would I have thought twice about doing so, quite frankly.

If you do not want men to hug your wife, then that is between you and your wife and that is the way you are going to have to handle this. I’m of two minds on her response: she should take any concerns you raise quite seriously, as you are husband and wife. At the same time, you have an obligation to fully consider whether making such a demand of your wife is necessary, whether there is good cause to make the demand or whether, perhaps, there is something worrisome in your psychology.

I am inclined to question your motives here, for the following two reasons. First, the way you make men out to be sex machines, incapable of healthy affections. Second, that you would not trust your wife to make reasonable decisions about boundaries, even though she has given you no cause to be so distrustful. You make your wife out to be pretty dang stupid, really, implying that you are such a far superior judge of character.

Gonna have to agree about the ridiculous generalization about men. I cannot imagine using a friendly gesture as a cover for some cheap thrill.