Hugs From Other Men

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KendraDZ1902 said:
I’m a strange bird. lol. I understand that male and female are different. I don’t ever want to be a daddy. haha I also don’t mind my hubby wearing the pants per se. I can take care of myself and because of his career I HAVE to take care of myself. That doesn’t mean that I don’t mind being a lady and allowing him to open doors, take out the trash, you know…all the boy stuff. BUT I am capable of doing all those things. 🙂 My momma taught me how to be domesticated and my daddy taught me how to throw a football, shoot a gun, change the oil, etc.
I have to do all the guy stuff around here when he is gone. I can only think of one thing that I absolutely NEED him be here for and that is to produce children. It is also not a guarantee that he will be there to run to the grocery store when I am having cravings or be there to see the birth.
So I don’t agree that beyond being treated with respect and dignity equality is pretty much non-existent.

Don’t get me wrong I LOVE my husband, but I didn’t marry him because I am a pitiful women who can’t take care of herself.
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Kendra, I think I love you. In a strictly platonic fellow-Catholic sort of way.

Tell your husband for me that he’s a lucky man!
 
thewanderer said:
…you need to respect her enough to allow her to make her own mistakes. Sure, advise her against it, try to make her see things your way, do what you can to protect her by convincing her that you are right, but then respect whatever decisions she makes about it.
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Pure psycho babble. It is my job to protect her and “have her back”. If I feel I need to step in, I am obligated to do so as her husband.
thewanderer said:
…although it is also very possible that the story we are being presented with has been taint…
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No taint. There’s nothing wrong with my observation skills and I was quite attuned to the situations.
thewanderer said:
Yes, men can be creeps, but they really aren’t all as bad as you seem to think OP.
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I’m sorry, but you sound rather naive. I’ve met plenty of them and you can read about them every day in the news. I believe they just caught three of them in Cleveland. Hopefully it will be a short rope for them.

And, of course, the creeps are the ones who are going to trying to hug other men’s wives.

A true gentleman would never do such a thing.

Hence my interest in taking their measure.
 
A hug is often just that…a hug. A way to say hi, how are you? Not a poor excuse for copping a feel.

I am a hugger. Always have been, always will be. My husband knows this, & trusts that if I am hugging another man, that it certainly says nothing about our relationship. Likewise, if he hugs someone, or someone hugs him, I have no issue with it. We trust each other 100%.

Honestly, if my husband had an issue with me hugging someone, that would be his issue to look at & find a way to deal with it. I would certainly talk with him & try to understand his position, but I would in no way change my ways. Nor would i expect him to change anything based on an insecurity i may have. We are who we are, & we didn’t marry to change one another, but to always love each other for who we are.
 
Neilan said:
I don’t mean to offend anybody here but I think that question is ridiculous! It is culture-based, so possibly in America, Canada etc it is not in your culture but here in Europe there is a big culture of hugging between both genders, as well as even kissing on the cheek. There is nothing sexual about this - it is primarily a custom.

I do not think it is right for people to classify this as ‘‘too far’’ or ‘‘too much’’ because at the end of the day, the traditions from country to country vary. It might be ‘‘too much’’ for the society in which you live but that does not mean that it is for my culture.
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VeritasLuxMea said:
To what extent is it a cultural thing? I’m a man, and I’m from New York. I regularly greet female friends with a hug and a kiss on the cheek. I find that when I do not initiate such a greeting, they tend to initiate it anyway.

Never have I stopped to think about whether that might offend a husband, since it is a rather customary greeting between friends here.

People that the woman is not all that familiar with are one thing. People that are friends of the woman but do not know the husband are quite another. It sounds like you have a problem with both, not just the former, but the latter as well.

I was at a wake tonight and encountered a female friend that I was very close to at one point, but had subsequently lost touch with. She met and married a man while we were out of touch. I was aware of this, but did not know her husband. So I met her husband tonight, gave him a handshake and exchanged a hug and kiss with my friend, the wife. Never would I have thought twice about doing so, quite frankly.

If you do not want men to hug your wife, then that is between you and your wife and that is the way you are going to have to handle this. I’m of two minds on her response: she should take any concerns you raise quite seriously, as you are husband and wife. At the same time, you have an obligation to fully consider whether making such a demand of your wife is necessary, whether there is good cause to make the demand or whether, perhaps, there is something worrisome in your psychology.

I am inclined to question your motives here, for the following two reasons. First, the way you make men out to be sex machines, incapable of healthy affections. Second, that you would not trust your wife to make reasonable decisions about boundaries, even though she has given you no cause to be so distrustful. You make your wife out to be pretty dang stupid, really, implying that you are such a far superior judge of character.
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Havard said:
Gonna have to agree about the ridiculous generalization about men. I cannot imagine using a friendly gesture as a cover for some cheap thrill.
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iHeartGrumpyCat said:
Well most men are, some might require supplmentation.

As for healthy affections, a truly friendly hug falls in that category, but, like I’ve said, there are a lot of creeps in the world who feel no compunction about “forcing the issue”.

They’re the ones I’m watching for.

As for a wake, a truly emotional event, I don’t think I would be concerned, but at a wine tasting, where the Liquid Libido has been flowing for two hours, I’m going to be watching like a hawk.

Nuff said.
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First off… I’m enjoying the parts where you assume to speak for “most men”… *reeeeeally *helps your credibility here.👍 :rolleyes:

You know, there’s something to be said about having a little self-awareness - understanding that the perspective we have on the world is a bit of a reflection of what’s going on in our own minds.

FYI - you do not speak for all men (my husband couldn’t stop laughing at this thread… and see those quotes above^^^), and your perspective of others is probably a reflection of how you’re viewing other women - something to pray about.
 
iHeartGrumpyCat said:
Hi, all-

I would like your (name removed by moderator)ut on something that has been a bone of contention in our marriage for years and this is, Other men hugging my wife.

I’m talking about men who are not family members or friends of the family, men I may know by sight, but not by name, that my wife may know through her work or we may have gone to church with that she may know, or not, but I do not know.

A couple of cases in point:
  1. Someone we ran into at a wine tasting. I’d never met the other man, but he used to work next door to my wife’s work.
It was a two armed hug on both their parts, maybe a two second hug.

To me this is an odd practice. I would never presume to hug a woman before meeting her husband. To me that seems disrespectful and a little dangerous. But maybe that’s just me.
  1. Another event, we ran across someone who had been trying to sell something to the office where she works. She’d already told me he had annoyed the office by being pushy and she didn’t even remember his name, but as soon as we ran across him and his wife at the event, he bounced out of his lawn chair and gave her a hug.
  2. A third event, same wine tasting, subsequent year. We see someone who belongs to our old parish. I know him by sight, probably from seeing him around town more than from seeing him at our old church, but I don’t know him and he doesn’t know me.
My wife limited it to a side hug, but honestly, she’s, um, busty, and a side hug doesn’t keep what I think of as inappropriate contact from occurring.

This guy held the hug for 5 seconds or longer until my wife introduced me, “Oh, and this big, strong man is my husband.” (My immediate thought was the hug made her a little uncomfortable.)

At this point he let go of my wife, put his hands up and made a hokey sounding apology. (Yeah, I’m pretty sure he was pulling some stuff, either enjoying my wife, or trying to irritate me, or both.)
  1. Guy who is busy around town volunteering, nice guy, who has always gone for the side hug. I genuinely like him. After he’s done talking with us, he will usually slap me on the shoulder, give it a rub and say his goodbye.
But, the last time we saw him, after the side hug he leaned in kind of close to say something to my wife and he was emphasizing something he was saying by touching her arm repeatedly, which she was holding across her torso, which put his fingers about two inches from her boobs. Which just seems a bit too familiar to me, especially since I’ve met him a few times, but he’s not what I would call a family friend. (Actually I don’t think I would appreciate a family friend doing that either.)

It appears to me that the men are always initiating these hugs and my wife is just reciprocating.

She’s mentioned in the past that people just like to hug her. Well, heck, I really like to hug her! Seriously, though, she’s a very nice person, kind, empathetic and I can see why people are attracted to her.

She’s said before that she really doesn’t like to be touched. Example: When the guy with no name gave her a hug, he kept touching my wife on the arm while explaining something to his wife (who didn’t look like she appreciated him touching my wife any more than I did), and afterward my wife said that it annoyed her that he kept touching her.

So, I’m not really sure she appreciates or wants the hugs, but is just being nice and accepting what she thinks are innocent, friendly shows of affection.

On the other hand, we’ve had a few bad experiences, one with a family member and another with a co-worker of hers that should serve to make anyone cautious about this sort of thing.

I am not against her hugging someone, as long as I am comfortable with it. But not knowing these people, and knowing what “men” can be like, I cannot stand by and let this happen until I have taken their measure.

I don’t hug other women unless they are family or family friends that she knows, and I would appreciate the same courtesy.

Another thing she vehemently disagrees with is my assertion that when a man hugs a woman, there is always a sexual component to it (I’m talking about the man initiating the hug). I mean, let’s face it, you women are soft and cuddly and we’re supposed to enjoy hugging you, but not inappropriately.

So, your feedback would be appreciated.

Am I out of line in my feelings?

Best,

GC
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It is exceedingly disrespectful on you wife’s part to allow an non-relative male to hug her, regardless of whether it bothers you or not. It also does not matter if she’s initiating or reciprocating (she does not even have to do the latter).
 
hurting said:
It is exceedingly disrespectful on you wife’s part to allow an non-relative male to hug her, regardless of whether it bothers you or not. It also does not matter if she’s initiating or reciprocating (she does not even have to do the latter).
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Oh Lord. Now I’m wondering if this isn’t a multiplayer troll post.
 
Em_in_FL said:
: (my husband couldn’t stop laughing at this thread… .
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Hahaha…I feel the same way! I mean really… the whole “men love hugging large breasted acquaintances” take had me chuckling…but adding in the perspective of men hugging other men’s wives as some sort of passive aggressive status attack on the other man had me rolling!!!

I mean, how badly does the typical CAFer view men? Too funny!!😃
 
Rico_S said:
Hahaha…I feel the same way! I mean really… the whole “men love hugging large breasted acquaintances” take had me chuckling…but adding in the perspective of men hugging other men’s wives as some sort of passive aggressive status attack on the other man had me rolling!!!

I mean, how badly does the typical CAFer view men? Too funny!!😃
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As if lecherous men can’t get easy casual sex whenever they want. No, they have to settle for quick hugs of fully-clothed married women in public to get their jollies!
 
JackieMom said:
As if lecherous men can’t get easy casual sex whenever they want. No, they have to settle for quick hugs of fully-clothed married women in public to get their jollies!
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OK, I’ll bite. How do you know that lecherous men can get casual sex whenever they want? Do you consort with such men or the women who cater to their desires? Or do you just watch a lot of Lifetime movies?
 
JackieMom said:
As if lecherous men can’t get easy casual sex whenever they want. No, they have to settle for quick hugs of fully-clothed married women in public to get their jollies!
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They key is “married” women. :rolleyes:

It this guys is serious, then he has some serious trust issues. If he doesn’t trust his wife, then he needs to talk to her about.

He doesn’t need to threaten anyone and everyone that comes near her.

OP, take a peek at the poll. MOST people agree that it isn’t a big deal. 🤷
 
maryjk said:
They key is “married” women. :rolleyes:

It this guys is serious, then he has some serious trust issues. If he doesn’t trust his wife, then he needs to talk to her about.

He doesn’t need to threaten anyone and everyone that comes near her.

OP, take a peek at the poll. MOST people agree that it isn’t a big deal. 🤷
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👍
 
iHeartGrumpyCat said:
Hi, all-

I would like your (name removed by moderator)ut on something that has been a bone of contention in our marriage for years and this is, Other men hugging my wife.

I’m talking about men who are not family members or friends of the family, men I may know by sight, but not by name, that my wife may know through her work or we may have gone to church with that she may know, or not, but I do not know.

A couple of cases in point:
  1. Someone we ran into at a wine tasting. I’d never met the other man, but he used to work next door to my wife’s work.
It was a two armed hug on both their parts, maybe a two second hug.

To me this is an odd practice. I would never presume to hug a woman before meeting her husband. To me that seems disrespectful and a little dangerous. But maybe that’s just me.
  1. Another event, we ran across someone who had been trying to sell something to the office where she works. She’d already told me he had annoyed the office by being pushy and she didn’t even remember his name, but as soon as we ran across him and his wife at the event, he bounced out of his lawn chair and gave her a hug.
  2. A third event, same wine tasting, subsequent year. We see someone who belongs to our old parish. I know him by sight, probably from seeing him around town more than from seeing him at our old church, but I don’t know him and he doesn’t know me.
My wife limited it to a side hug, but honestly, she’s, um, busty, and a side hug doesn’t keep what I think of as inappropriate contact from occurring.

This guy held the hug for 5 seconds or longer until my wife introduced me, “Oh, and this big, strong man is my husband.” (My immediate thought was the hug made her a little uncomfortable.)

At this point he let go of my wife, put his hands up and made a hokey sounding apology. (Yeah, I’m pretty sure he was pulling some stuff, either enjoying my wife, or trying to irritate me, or both.)
  1. Guy who is busy around town volunteering, nice guy, who has always gone for the side hug. I genuinely like him. After he’s done talking with us, he will usually slap me on the shoulder, give it a rub and say his goodbye.
But, the last time we saw him, after the side hug he leaned in kind of close to say something to my wife and he was emphasizing something he was saying by touching her arm repeatedly, which she was holding across her torso, which put his fingers about two inches from her boobs. Which just seems a bit too familiar to me, especially since I’ve met him a few times, but he’s not what I would call a family friend. (Actually I don’t think I would appreciate a family friend doing that either.)

It appears to me that the men are always initiating these hugs and my wife is just reciprocating.

She’s mentioned in the past that people just like to hug her. Well, heck, I really like to hug her! Seriously, though, she’s a very nice person, kind, empathetic and I can see why people are attracted to her.

She’s said before that she really doesn’t like to be touched. Example: When the guy with no name gave her a hug, he kept touching my wife on the arm while explaining something to his wife (who didn’t look like she appreciated him touching my wife any more than I did), and afterward my wife said that it annoyed her that he kept touching her.

So, I’m not really sure she appreciates or wants the hugs, but is just being nice and accepting what she thinks are innocent, friendly shows of affection.

On the other hand, we’ve had a few bad experiences, one with a family member and another with a co-worker of hers that should serve to make anyone cautious about this sort of thing.

I am not against her hugging someone, as long as I am comfortable with it. But not knowing these people, and knowing what “men” can be like, I cannot stand by and let this happen until I have taken their measure.

I don’t hug other women unless they are family or family friends that she knows, and I would appreciate the same courtesy.

Another thing she vehemently disagrees with is my assertion that when a man hugs a woman, there is always a sexual component to it (I’m talking about the man initiating the hug). I mean, let’s face it, you women are soft and cuddly and we’re supposed to enjoy hugging you, but not inappropriately.

So, your feedback would be appreciated.

Am I out of line in my feelings?

Best,

GC
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Some people are more touch centered than others. I like my space and don’t hug people unless I already know them or had time to get to know them. I usually don’t hug men unless they are friends I’ve known for awhile or at least someone I’ve met in a group and talked to for awhile. I know people though who seem to draw others to them and people feel as though they’ve known them forever but maybe in reality only a short period. I would tell you wife what makes you comfortable and what you feel is maybe too close for comfort. Woman tend to be more friendly with touching and maybe she doesn’t realize it bothers you.
 
hurting said:
OK, I’ll bite. How do you know that lecherous men can get casual sex whenever they want? Do you consort with such men or the women who cater to their desires? Or do you just watch a lot of Lifetime movies?
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Walk into any bar, any dance club, onto most college campuses… There is no shortage of women and men who have zero problem with casual sex. Why any prowling creep would settle for a chaste hug is beyond me when so many hussies are available.
 
maryjk said:
They key is “married” women. :rolleyes:

It this guys is serious, then he has some serious trust issues. If he doesn’t trust his wife, then he needs to talk to her about.

He doesn’t need to threaten anyone and everyone that comes near her.

OP, take a peek at the poll. MOST people agree that it isn’t a big deal. 🤷
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But it IS a big deal for him, which means that it’s also a big deal for her, since they are one flesh. He needs to discuss this with her and figure out what is really going on. If he is insecure and jealous, then perhaps counseling is in order. But if she values his (name removed by moderator)ut on these other men and physical contact, which she should, then perhaps she can make some compromises on how she deals with physical contact with the opposite sex.

I would consider a man repeatedly touching me on the arm to be flirting. Yes, even if my husband were present.
 
TheRealJuliane said:
But it IS a big deal for him, which means that it’s also a big deal for her, since they are one flesh. He needs to discuss this with her and figure out what is really going on. If he is insecure and jealous, then perhaps counseling is in order. But if she values his (name removed by moderator)ut on these other men and physical contact, which she should, then perhaps she can make some compromises on how she deals with physical contact with the opposite sex.

I would consider a man repeatedly touching me on the arm to be flirting. Yes, even if my husband were present.
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The problem is that he is threatening, or at least wants to threaten, the men.

If someone was touching me, and I was uncomfortable with it, I would move. How hard is it? Take a step back. Or to the side. Or heck, move to where you can touch your husband. Put your body slightly behind his, your close arm goes around his back, the other arm touches his arm. Easy peasy. 🤷

And if my husband had a problem with it, I would move. But she doesn’t. She doesn’t see anything wrong with it. So maybe the question is why?

Is it because she doesn’t have a problem with it? Or that he has a problem with everyone?
 
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