Hugs From Other Men

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TheRealJuliane said:
Then you will have to get between your wife and the possible gropers. Don’t tell them verbally, prevent them physically.
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Yes, in the future I will be at her side, arm around her waist. Anyone too boorish to read that body language will end up hugging both of us.
TheRealJuliane said:
…only that she is unknowingly giving off body language that allows it.
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Yes, I think that is the case.
TheRealJuliane said:
I wonder why she doesn’t want to discuss it?
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I’m not really sure. My wife never ceases to amaze, amuse and confound me.

She can be quite contrariwise at times, although I suspect that’s not unique to her.

But it seems there are just some things I must figure out on my own and this is one of them.
 
To answer the earlier question, I’m a man.

A man who finds this issue to be a mountain out of a molehill.

But if it makes you feel better, I’ll give you a hug. 😉
 
iHeartGrumpyCat said:
Yes, in the future I will be at her side, arm around her waist. Anyone too boorish to read that body language will end up hugging both of us.

Yes, I think that is the case.

I’m not really sure. My wife never ceases to amaze, amuse and confound me.

She can be quite contrariwise at times, although I suspect that’s not unique to her.

But it seems there are just some things I must figure out on my own and this is one of them.
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That’s how the good Lord made us! 😉 You guys amuse us but rarely amaze or confound us - you’re not so hard to figure out. But us…We’re the conundrums, aren’t we?
 
iHeartGrumpyCat said:
Yes, in the future I will be at her side, arm around her waist. Anyone too boorish to read that body language will end up hugging both of us.
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I thought it was only certain people you didn’t want hugging her. Or is it everyone?
 
TheRealJuliane said:
That’s how the good Lord made us! 😉 You guys amuse us but rarely amaze or confound us - you’re not so hard to figure out. But us…We’re the conundrums, aren’t we?
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No, actually you are quite easy to figure out as are all human beings. Women verbalize everything so you really are open books. It’s just that most guys don’t want to listen. However, I have learned that when you listen to a woman and look her directly in the eye as she talks will divulge any information you show an interest in. 😉 That whole “men can’t figure women out” thing is media BS meant to stoke the female ego and “chastise the man for all his wrong doing to women.”

To the OP: First off you sound a little insecure there buddy. If these guys make your wife uncomfortable she will tell them off I’m sure. Not every guy in the world has secret passions for your wife. She may be amazing to you but that doesn’t mean other guys want her. Maybe you need to start hugging some women and get over it.

Women these days can be just as aggressive if not more so than some guys. The difference is 1) women are better at hiding it and 2) women CAN hide it because we don’t expect it from them. They may not reach for your private parts but squeezing a rock hard muscular body? Ever hear of the movie “Magic Mike?” Yeah, it wasn’t men going to see guys strip.
 
iHeartGrumpyCat said:
I’m pretty sure that EasterJoy isn’t suggesting I would stand there like a milksop, but rather it would be all over after that because he would be wearing my hands as a necklace, or some such.
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Oh, exactly. I’m just saying I think your wife, if she really knew it wasn’t innocent, if there wasn’t some believable benefit of the doubt to be given, would get to him first. Being a huggy person does not mean not knowing how to act when someone is treating you like a piece of meat in order to one-down your husband. She’d not only be angry for herself, she’d be angry for you, too…and angry that he’d think she’d sit still for some dude using her body to insult her husband.

Nice people who are pushed too far…well, I’m part Swiss, and we know how push-over the Swiss are. They’re very diplomatic and neutral, until they’re not! Then watch out.
 
iHeartGrumpyCat said:
Hi, all-

I would like your (name removed by moderator)ut on something that has been a bone of contention in our marriage for years and this is, Other men hugging my wife.

I’m talking about men who are not family members or friends of the family, men I may know by sight, but not by name, that my wife may know through her work or we may have gone to church with that she may know, or not, but I do not know.

A couple of cases in point:
  1. Someone we ran into at a wine tasting. I’d never met the other man, but he used to work next door to my wife’s work.
It was a two armed hug on both their parts, maybe a two second hug.

To me this is an odd practice. I would never presume to hug a woman before meeting her husband. To me that seems disrespectful and a little dangerous. But maybe that’s just me.
  1. Another event, we ran across someone who had been trying to sell something to the office where she works. She’d already told me he had annoyed the office by being pushy and she didn’t even remember his name, but as soon as we ran across him and his wife at the event, he bounced out of his lawn chair and gave her a hug.
  2. A third event, same wine tasting, subsequent year. We see someone who belongs to our old parish. I know him by sight, probably from seeing him around town more than from seeing him at our old church, but I don’t know him and he doesn’t know me.
…

I don’t hug other women unless they are family or family friends that she knows, and I would appreciate the same courtesy.

Another thing she vehemently disagrees with is my assertion that when a man hugs a woman, there is always a sexual component to it (I’m talking about the man initiating the hug). I mean, let’s face it, you women are soft and cuddly and we’re supposed to enjoy hugging you, but not inappropriately.

So, your feedback would be appreciated.

Am I out of line in my feelings?

Best,

GC
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Ok, I don’t think it is necessarily a problem unless your wife is uncomfortable. Also, women are NOT immune to hugging for sexual reasons. I would caution you that these days women are not afraid to pursue and seduce other women. Society allows us to hug each other and kiss each other in ways that it does not allow men. That allows us to get emotionally close and emotions are what turn us on. I used to work with a lesbian that would boast about how she could “bed any straight girl” faster than a guy because she knew exactly what the girl needed (read emotional connection). Often times we have no problems changing in front of each other and if approached by another woman we don’t feel threatened. It really is a recipe for disaster and one that guys don’t pay attention to because 1) some of you disgustingly think “its ok for girls” 2) think you are woman-magnets and no matter what you do we’re hopelessly stuck to you.

I’m saying this because for awhile I had (or thought I did) same-sex attraction. I’ve gone to counseling and the counselor said to establish boundaries with women just like I do with men. I no longer showered in front of other women at the gym. I learned to properly size myself for a bra. I also stopped talking to other women about my sex life. If I want to talk about it I talk to my husband. Do you know that result of this was? It gave me room to clear my head and realize that I had no physical attraction to women. I was so relieved you don’t even know!

I know that’s a lot to take in but realize that human beings are sexual creatures. Women and men just have a different mechanism of arousal but don’t think for a second we are less prone to “those urges.” It may take us more time to make a move but if there are more women like my lesbian co-worker (or even straight women) out there you can be sure a woman’s thoughts aren’t always pure. A guy may want to jump a woman from the outside but a woman is more likely to work her way into ones mind and bring the house down from within.

Also you guys may like soft and cuddly but most women like a firm and solid man. It makes us feel safe (very important) and supported. I’m not going to lie, when my husband gets out of the shower there is no better sight than a rock solid bod.
 
I’m endorsing the OPs discomfort here. Full body hugging especially, is a conduit for intimacy that needs no special conditions to grow. When people come to marriage counselling not being able to stand the sight of each other let alone touch, one of the tricks is to encourage them to hold hands and hug without any agenda one way or the other. This is prior to the actual problems being solved. These seemingly benign gestures naturally build attraction apart from the irreconcilable nature of most of their problems and the intimacy does its job of dissolving barriers.

I think its ok to hug family … and friends of the same sex, where there are natural taboos in place, but not unrelated males however close. Call me fuddly duddly if you like, but there you go!
 
It depends. My wife works with a lot of European men. We are in the States. If one of them “hugs” her it is awkward but in a cultural way. If some 23 year old freshly minted college grad hot shot hugs her, the only question is which fist hits him first. Mine, or my wife’s.😃
 
LongingSoul said:
I’m endorsing the OPs discomfort here. Full body hugging especially, is a conduit for intimacy that needs no special conditions to grow. When people come to marriage counselling not being able to stand the sight of each other let alone touch, one of the tricks is to encourage them to hold hands and hug without any agenda one way or the other. This is prior to the actual problems being solved. These seemingly benign gestures naturally build attraction apart from the irreconcilable nature of most of their problems and the intimacy does its job of dissolving barriers.

I think its ok to hug family … and friends of the same sex, where there are natural taboos in place, but not unrelated males however close. Call me fuddly duddly if you like, but there you go!
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Umm not necessarily. In my generation and the younger ones same sex attraction isn’t something people are ashamed of anymore. I know its hard for older people to grasp that but given my struggles I disagree with your generalization.

Full body hugging done in marriage counseling is way different. The reason couples are there in the first place is to re-establish intimacy so they are at least willing to subject themselves to it on that level. That isn’t necessarily true of other people.
 
russet1 said:
It depends. My wife works with a lot of European men. We are in the States. If one of them “hugs” her it is awkward but in a cultural way. If some 23 year old freshly minted college grad hot shot hugs her, the only question is which fist hits him first. Mine, or my wife’s.😃
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Yes, because I’m sure some college grad is fantasizing about your wife. Really guys? Grow up! Most guys go for younger not older. Sounds like you do too much of the wrong kind of thinking. A lot of the “college grad” guys my husband works with are a lot more respectful and less aggressive than their female peers. Maybe you guys should watch out for the proverbial “college girls” instead of making ignorant generalizations about “college boys.” I’m sure your wives would appreciate that more. :mad:
 
russet1 said:
It depends. My wife works with a lot of European men. We are in the States. If one of them “hugs” her it is awkward but in a cultural way. If some 23 year old freshly minted college grad hot shot hugs her, the only question is which fist hits him first. Mine, or my wife’s.😃
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Rrrright…because there are so many European countries where men feel free to give full-bodied hugs to women they barely know. It’s more likely that these particular guys have figured out that American women (or new business associates from any foreign country not near enough to theirs to know what is actually done back home) will give them the benefit of the cultural doubt.
 
EasterJoy said:
Rrrright…because there are so many European countries where men feel free to give full-bodied hugs to women they barely know. It’s more likely that these particular guys have figured out that American women (or new business associates from any foreign country not near enough to theirs to know what is actually done back home) will give them the benefit of the cultural doubt.
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I find that with Europeans, it’s not the hugging that is so different from the way we Americans express a warm greeting, but the kissing. Which is very, very commonplace betwen men and women, married or not. Most who have lived in the US for a while, though, realize it’s not as common here.
 
JackieMom said:
Walk into any bar, any dance club, onto most college campuses… There is no shortage of women and men who have zero problem with casual sex. Why any prowling creep would settle for a chaste hug is beyond me when so many hussies are available.
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Please google the term ‘apex fallacy’. The hooking up you describe is enjoyed by a small subset of men.
 
EasterJoy said:
This is not the guy who wants your husband to know he could have your wife if he wanted her, just for the record. I think that is the guy you have in mind. I’m pretty sure the OP would know exactly how to handle that guy. I think his wife would land the first slap, to be blunt, and it would be all over after that.

No, the guy we’re talking about is the guy who could never have your wife in a million years. Maybe he thinks he’s an alpha who’s just had a run of bad luck, but we’re talking about a cousin to Larry the Lounge Lizard. What he does is to try to pass himself off as the guy who has just hugged everyone since he was six. Yeah, well, you can tell the difference between a guy who is innocent and the guy trying to pass himself off as the innocent guy. In the OP’s examples, I think the 4th guy was the innocent guy, and everyone else was that other guy, the guy who needs to get a level look from a nice woman who evenly tells him to cease and desist. (There is also another guy, the guy who could turn into the guy who’s going to have an affair with the OPs wife, but I don’t get the feeling the OPs wife is going there. Once she got a clear signal about what that kind wanted, she’d set him straight, too.)

The OPs wife has a positive view of humanity, so she probably thinks there is only Alpha Guy and Innocent Guy, but that’s not the way it is.
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EasterJoy is bringing the truth here.
 
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