Hurt and Discouraged Over My Wife

[Milliardo]

I have asked for prayers regarding this: forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=172896 but I want to get it off my chest. Until now it makes me sad whenever I think about it. It all happened last January 15. I didn’t have work at that time, and was still looking for a job. Until now actually I still am; we get by with the small business that we have around though. Anyway, she said she’ll go to her friend and would return that afternoon. Afternoon came, and she texted me and said she’ll just spend the night there and return the next day. The next day came, and the same thing happened. This went on for a week until Saturday, when she didn’t make contact for around 2-3 weeks. So the situation is still the same until now, and it is August. Many times she promised to return, but never did. Last time she promised to return July 16, but never did. She’s broken this promise of hers a few times already. She said to be back then that she’ll return before my birthday, which would be a month from now; I’m not sure whether I’ll believe her or not. It’s all well and good though, if not for the fact that before all this, she was in contact with a guy she met at the airport last year, when she went to her parents for a vacation. Since then they’ve been in contact, and I even confronted the guy through the phone over this. My wife told him she’s single, so when I confronted him he would not believe she’s already married. I am not sure though if she’s with him, since she never said where she exactly went. I am at a loss as to what else to do, since I am not even sure where to start looking for her.

 

[jules11]

This is terrible. So she’s left you even without a fight or something? No explanation, no warning? That’s very strange!
So you have no idea where she is?
Does she work? Can you meet her at her work? She at least owes you an explanation. I cannot imagine what you must be going through. Is she Catholic? All I can say is that I will pray for you. It’ s really hard to know where to take it if you can’t talk to her.
Maybe you should contact her parents and see if they can shed some light on this for you. Keep praying and trusting in God, He will guide you through this traumatic time.

 

[Milliardo]

Well, we did have an argument when I found out about her " boyfriend". I also noticed then that she’s going out more often than usual, and that at least twice she went home very late. She’s never done that before in our (then) almost 3 years of marriage. I do admit that I am partly to blame, since I didn’t have a job. But I don’t think that would be enough reason to just leave someone.

She is not Catholic, though she’s been going to church with me since we got married.

I’ve been in touch with her parents every now and then, and her mom is also disappointed with her since she also promised her that she’ll be back here on July 16. We met only once since the time she left, about 2 weeks before July 16. I didn’t push for her to come home then since she already promised to come home, and I thought that she’d keep her word. It turns out she only broke it once again.

I have a vague idea where she is–or at least she said she’s at her former work (it’s a long story in itself what her work was, since admittedly it’s not what you’d exactly call a decent job), but so far I have not seen her there. She only mentioned a place, or a town, but that’s so vague that I wouldn’t even know where to start looking for there.

 

[jules11]

This is so strange. So the last time you saw her did you ask her why she is doing this? Has she given you an ultimatum or something?
And you not having a job is not a good enough reason to leave you. You really need to sit down and talk about things the next time you see her, but it seems that she is having an affair of some sort and that needs to stop. I really don’t know what to say because without talking to her, you really don’t know where you stand or what’s going on. You’re left in limbo. She is a married woman and you have every right to know where she is and what she is doing!

 

[Conciliar]

Were you married in the Church, if you don’t mind me asking? If not, under what circumstances?

 

[Milliardo]

This is so strange. So the last time you saw her did you ask her why she is doing this? Has she given you an ultimatum or something?

Actually, I am the one giving her an ultimatum, though it’s not a strict one. She said to me that she’ll only return if I have a job, and I have always thought that’s not a good enough reason to do so, since for one we have this small business which can get us by more or less.

it seems that she is having an affair of some sort and that needs to stop. I really don’t know what to say because without talking to her, you really don’t know where you stand or what’s going on. You’re left in limbo. She is a married woman and you have every right to know where she is and what she is doing!

That is right, I do need to know where she is and what she’s doing.

I think I should relate from the start how we got to know each other, so it might somehow help things. I met her on February 14, 2004. Her job is not what you might call decent–I am not sure how you call it, but she tables men at this KTV bar. From the moment I saw her, I knew she’s the one for me. I have never been taken by someone as much as she did. Perhaps another factor might be that she’s young; at the time I met her, she was only 17 and about to go 18. I was 34 at that time. We got married May of that year; she became 18 by March. I thought everything would work out well at that point. We got married in Church, though we have to get parental consent since she couldn’t get married without parental consent until she hit 21.

So there are a lot of factors at play here: she’s still young, she met another person, and perhaps she’s bored since she also doesn’t have any job. She often said she’s happy with her job before, though I don’t agree to her going back there since it’s not a job that’s decent. I told her that I’d help her find a job if she likes to. I am still hoping she’ll return. It’s been quite awhile since she’s been gone.

 

[jules11]

Wow, you’re twice her age and married her after knowing her for only 3 months? How could she have known anything about marriage at that age?
I don’t know what a KTV bar is, but I’m assuming that she was not a practising Christian. Sounds like you didn’t know her very well at all.
Does she know anything about the catholic faith? If she has gone to church with you, would she speak to a priest?

 

[Milliardo]

She knows much about the Church now, since I do talk about it with her.

Yes, I think that she still isn’t that much aware what marriage truly is, but I am not taking that against her because she is still young. I just figure she still needs to find herself. I am not sure if I am making an excuse for her, but that’s how I see it. At least I hope that’s all there is to it.

It’s not the first time she ran away from home; when she was with her parents, she already ran away twice. The last time took her all the way here to our place, and worked at the KTV bar where I met her.

 

[Conciliar]

Milliardo,

I am certain your pain is real, and I am sorry you’re suffering so. That said, to be very frank, you need to take a good hard look at yourself and figure out what exactly led you, in your mid-thirties, to look at an 18 year old as a potential wife.

If you’re truly interested in sacramental marriage in which the “two become one flesh” in a deep, meaningful, Christ-centered way, you should do whatver it takes to put an end to this relationship. (I’m not sure if it is truly a marriage. If so, seek annulment. Any Catholic priest in his right mind would have refused to marry you.)

At that point, you need to do some serious work on yourself. The hard truth is this girl does not seem prepared to be a wife, (no surpirse - she a kid) and you are even less prepared to be a husband. I think you more than likely have very serious issues.

My post may sound unkind, but believe me, as the father of an 18 year old daughter, I have toned it down quite a bit.

 

[Mirror_Mirror]

Actually, I am the one giving her an ultimatum, though it’s not a strict one. She said to me that she’ll only return if I have a job, and I have always thought that’s not a good enough reason to do so, since for one we have this small business which can get us by more or less.

This statement of yours brings up a red flag in my book. So say you get a job. Say you go work at a resturaunt, will that be enough for her? Or are there stipulations on the job that you get? Will everything be back to normal once you start working? Why is that the “make or break” point of this relationship. If that is what it takes then, my friend, I think that you must do it, however, I do not feel that by getting a job, things in your marriage with be solved.

That is right, I do need to know where she is and what she’s doing.

I think I should relate from the start how we got to know each other, so it might somehow help things. I met her on February 14, 2004. Her job is not what you might call decent–I am not sure how you call it, but she tables men at this KTV bar.

What is a KTV bar? What is “tables men?”

From the moment I saw her, I knew she’s the one for me. I have never been taken by someone as much as she did. Perhaps another factor might be that she’s young; at the time I met her, she was only 17 and about to go 18. I was 34 at that time.

I would have to question what it is about her that caused you to know that, although you were almost 2 times her age, what made her “the one?”

We got married May of that year; she became 18 by March. I thought everything would work out well at that point. We got married in Church, though we have to get parental consent since she couldn’t get married without parental consent until she hit 21.

There are just too many things that have come into play here. What is it that brought you both to the marriage? Being so far apart in age, it seems strange that after 3 months of dating that you would be getting married.

So there are a lot of factors at play here: she’s still young, she met another person, and perhaps she’s bored since she also doesn’t have any job.

Maybe she is bored because she is young and did not want to be married yet and is now having second thoughts about it and the way that she deals with it is to run away, a sign of a lack of maturity. Please do not take this as me attacking you or your wife, I am an outsider looking in. To me, it seems like she is not happy with the decision that she made and she does not want to honor her committment to your or to your marriage and she is afraid to admit that. She does not want to admit failure which is why she pushes back on you saying that you cannot get a job and that is why she wants out. If I were you, I would get a job, any job and see what her reaction is.

She often said she’s happy with her job before, though I don’t agree to her going back there since it’s not a job that’s decent. I told her that I’d help her find a job if she likes to. I am still hoping she’ll return. It’s been quite awhile since she’s been gone.

She keeps telling you that she will return but does not. That brings up several issues, the most important being trust. How can you trust what she tells you in the future? If she is breaking promises now, what next? Will you constantly be looking over your shoulder? If you do get a job and she returns will she be the one in constant control of the relationship or she will leave again? How can it be the two become one flesh if this is the case?

I do not think that she wants to come home. She is regretting the decision that she made to get married at a young age and thinks that there is much more out there for her and she is exploring that. If you are going to make an ultimatum to her, you have to follow through. If you tell her that if she does not come home you are going to do something (say file for divorce) then you have to do it. You cannot say that you will do something if she does not come home and then do nothing. She will not take you serious, ever.

Sorry to rain on your parade here. I am not trying to be a downer, but I have seen this happen too often and have experienced it in the past and know what you are going through. Been there, done that! I will pray for you and hope that you can find common ground with her so that you two can talk and work through this. I pray for your marriage that you two can become one again. But most importantly, I pray for God’s will to be done in your life.

 

[jules11]

I have an 18 yo daughter as well and if a 34yo man needed my permisson to marry her, I would give him a big fat NO.

 

[Milliardo]

This statement of yours brings up a red flag in my book. Will everything be back to normal once you start working? Why is that the “make or break” point of this relationship. If that is what it takes then, my friend, I think that you must do it, however, I do not feel that by getting a job, things in your marriage with be solved.

I hope that it will solve it; but I am not sure it might. Her mom, just to test her, said I already got a job, but she didn’t come home. So I feel there’s something more than just getting a job, but I pray that I’m wrong.

What is a KTV bar? What is “tables men?”

I am sorry if I can’t describe it accurately–it’s a place where men come to drink, sing KTV songs and the like, and be entertained by a girl by sitting at his side. Actually, I am toning this down a bit as I am not sure how to put it, since I do respect my wife and wouldn’t want anyone to think ill of her.

I would have to question what it is about her that caused you to know that, although you were almost 2 times her age, what made her “the one?”

It’s something I couldn’t describe; it’s just that you know, if you could get what I mean. It’s a feeling that you get the moment you see someone, and realize he or she is the one for you. I spent many nights praying and asking for guidance on this, just to be really sure. I do not regret my decision marrying her.

There are just too many things that have come into play here. What is it that brought you both to the marriage? Being so far apart in age, it seems strange that after 3 months of dating that you would be getting married.

Yes, actually my dad also asked me that before, and told me why not wait for another month or two, just to be sure. I told him I am already sure, and we’ve talked about it. She said back then she is sure. I even told her if she’s not sure about it, I’m okay with it and we’ll take time to think about it more.

Maybe she is bored because she is young and did not want to be married yet and is now having second thoughts about it and the way that she deals with it is to run away, a sign of a lack of maturity. Please do not take this as me attacking you or your wife, I am an outsider looking in.

No, it’s okay. Actually this has crossed my mind, and like I said, perhaps I’m making an excuse for her by coming up with this reason myself.

She keeps telling you that she will return but does not. That brings up several issues, the most important being trust. How can you trust what she tells you in the future? If she is breaking promises now, what next? Will you constantly be looking over your shoulder? If you do get a job and she returns will she be the one in constant control of the relationship or she will leave again? How can it be the two become one flesh if this is the case?

Trust is a very important part in any relationship, and this might be an issue later on; more so since I did catch her already having a relationship with someone else. She justifies it by saying it’s just over the phone, through text messages or what, but my point even then was that it doesn’t matter–it’s still cheating.

I do not think that she wants to come home. She is regretting the decision that she made to get married at a young age and thinks that there is much more out there for her and she is exploring that.

As much as possible, I don’t think about this and try to be optimistic. I always believe that God will find a way, and that it is not His will for a marriage to end just like that.

If you tell her that if she does not come home you are going to do something (say file for divorce) then you have to do it. You cannot say that you will do something if she does not come home and then do nothing. She will not take you serious, ever.

The nearest thing I can do is to file for annulment, since we don’t have divorce here in our country (I’m not in the U.S., by the way). But annulment has so many prerequisites before it can be granted. Again, I am not yet thinking of that option. If we can work things out, then that’s what I’m trying to get to do right now.

I will pray for you and hope that you can find common ground with her so that you two can talk and work through this. I pray for your marriage that you two can become one again. But most importantly, I pray for God’s will to be done in your life.

Thank you for that. I pray that God will see us through on this–I see this as a test, as to up to where we can go through. I still hope that everything will work out in the end.

 

[Mirror_Mirror]

I hope that it will solve it; but I am not sure it might. Her mom, just to test her, said I already got a job, but she didn’t come home. So I feel there’s something more than just getting a job, but I pray that I’m wrong.

I think that there is more to it than the job. Again, it comes back to her maturity and that at this point she may feel that she made a mistake and is going to live her life how she wants with or without you. It is now for you to decide what you want to do. What is best for you. Only you can decide that for yourself. If you want to make your marriage work, now is the time, this has been going on too long. You need to take a stand. I do not feel that things are moving in the right direction for that…more on that later.

I am sorry if I can’t describe it accurately–it’s a place where men come to drink, sing KTV songs and the like, and be entertained by a girl by sitting at his side. Actually, I am toning this down a bit as I am not sure how to put it, since I do respect my wife and wouldn’t want anyone to think ill of her.

Absolutely no way would my wife be doing this. I understand what you are saying, but this is the near occasion of sin and is not healthy for you and for her. I understand that you are toning this down, but if she is “entertaining” them in an immoral way or a suggestive way, this is just plain wrong. I would have to question why you would want to get involved with someone like this. (Again, not attacking you, just trying to present some things to make you think) I understand that you respect your wife, I do not think ill of her, but if this is the type of profession that I am thinking of then I would have run from her like I had pants that were on fire.

This has been set up to fail from the beginning. I am sorry that you do not see that, but there are too many factors that have come into play here. Love can make you blind and that may have been the case here.

It’s something I couldn’t describe; it’s just that you know, if you could get what I mean. It’s a feeling that you get the moment you see someone, and realize he or she is the one for you. I spent many nights praying and asking for guidance on this, just to be really sure. I do not regret my decision marrying her.

I wasn’t really searching for an answer to the question, just to make you think about what it is about this girl, what made her so much better than anoyone else that you would forsake all others just for her. That you would give up your life for her, become one flesh with her. Looking at someone cannot tell you that. Seeing someone and “falling in love at first sight” will not give you the necessary information you need to know if they are your future spouse and if they are there for you “for better or for worse.” It will not tell you if their goal in your marriage is to get you to heaven.

Yes, actually my dad also asked me that before, and told me why not wait for another month or two, just to be sure. I told him I am already sure, and we’ve talked about it. She said back then she is sure. I even told her if she’s not sure about it, I’m okay with it and we’ll take time to think about it more.

I have done the same thing and justified the same way that you have and got the same response that you did. It did not work, I talked myself into it and made a HUGE mistake. (If you want to know more you can PM me and I will chat with you about it) You can rationalize your decision and make it fit what is best for you at any given time. At the time the marriage may have seemed like the right decision, but did you take into account the future? Did you really consider all the reprecussions after a few months of dating?

 

[Mirror_Mirror]

(continued)

No, it’s okay. Actually this has crossed my mind, and like I said, perhaps I’m making an excuse for her by coming up with this reason myself.

It is good to start to think about this from a different angle that that I all I am trying to do, to make you think. I do not know if your marriage can be saved. Maybe it can? Maybe it cannot? You have to figure that out, I just do not want you to suffer any more than you already are. That is not fair to you and the way that she is treating you is not fair.

Trust is a very important part in any relationship, and this might be an issue later on; more so since I did catch her already having a relationship with someone else. She justifies it by saying it’s just over the phone, through text messages or what, but my point even then was that it doesn’t matter–it’s still cheating.

If you have lost trust in her, what hope is there for you? Will you ever trust her? How can you? If she returns, how do you know what she is doing when she is out? When she is working? You have already taken a step in the right direction by saying that “it’s still cheating.” BINGO!! If she is having a “relationship” over the phone or text messages then she is committing adultry. That is harmful to you and to your marriage. I, for one, would not stand for that. This right here is reasons to take steps to get back together now or take steps to get away now. It has been long enough, you have suffered enough and you need to do something for yourself, to easy your troubled mind.

As much as possible, I don’t think about this and try to be optimistic. I always believe that God will find a way, and that it is not His will for a marriage to end just like that.

We cannot know God’s will. We can pray that He will provide for us and lead in in the direction that He wants us to take. Sometimes, we go in our own direction, thinking that we know what is best, without consulting God and asking Him what His plans are for us.

The nearest thing I can do is to file for annulment, since we don’t have divorce here in our country (I’m not in the U.S., by the way). But annulment has so many prerequisites before it can be granted. Again, I am not yet thinking of that option. If we can work things out, then that’s what I’m trying to get to do right now.

If you want to work things out then that is great, but she has to want that as well. She has to come back sooner rather than later and start the healing process. You both need to get some counseling and talk to a priest. If you want it to work, today is the day to start that.

Thank you for that. I pray that God will see us through on this–I see this as a test, as to up to where we can go through. I still hope that everything will work out in the end.

Everything will work out in the end, but be prepared that it may not be the easy solution, it may not be the one that you want, it may hurt, but it will be God’s will. Pray for that.

PM me anytime.

 

[Conciliar]

The gentleness of the majority of the replies here is absolutly amazing to me. I can’t believe what I’m reading. I’m all for reaching out to a wounded brother, but what is wrong with you people?

**Milliardo is a predator who “married” a troubled teen. **

To Milliardo - the reason you’re in pain is because you deserve to be. Grow up. Be a man. Quit your pathetic, twisted, whining. **You’re a predator. **Go get yourself some phsychological and spiritual help right away. Above all, leave that child alone.

To my fellow posters - pussyfooting around here is doing this man no favors.

 

[GregoryPalamas]

You’ve been abandoned. This teaching may apply.

1 Corinthians 7:12-16 (New King James Version)

12 But to the rest I, not the Lord, say: If any brother has a wife who does not believe, and she is willing to live with him, let him not divorce her. 13 And a woman who has a husband who does not believe, if he is willing to live with her, let her not divorce him. 14 For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband; otherwise your children would be unclean, but now they are holy. 15 But if the unbeliever departs, let him depart; a brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases. But God has called us to peace. 16 For how do you know, O wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, O husband, whether you will save your wife?

CDL

 

[SeekerJen]

mod: edit

She was 18 and working in an adult establishment. I think 18 is considered a legal adult in terms of marriage pretty much everywhere in the world.

That said, I do think there are serious problems with a situation involving a man in his mid-30s who marries an 18-year-old whom he met while she was working in an adult entertainment establishment, and marries her only 3 months after meeting her. I think this is a good cautionary tale about why Catholics should not be looking for spouses in bars, and why marrying anyone after only 3 months is generally a bad idea (in fact, the Church usually requires at least 6 months of prep time). It also sounds as if the young lady needs some help. Generally it is troubled girls who go to work in such establishments, especially at a young age. And as she has a history of running away, that indicates some personal issues on her part. I’m thinking that perhaps the OP could also use some help.

 

[Conciliar]

You’ve been abandoned. This teaching may apply.

1 Corinthians 7:12-16 (New King James Version)

12 But to the rest I, not the Lord, say: If any brother has a wife who does not believe, and she is willing to live with him, let him not divorce her. 13 And a woman who has a husband who does not believe, if he is willing to live with her, let her not divorce him. 14 For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband; otherwise your children would be unclean, but now they are holy. 15 But if the unbeliever departs, let him depart; a brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases. But God has called us to peace. 16 For how do you know, O wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, O husband, whether you will save your wife?

CDL

Wow, Gregory. That would have been a sensitive and beauitiful response if Milliardo wasn’t a sick predator who found himself a troubled teenage girl in some men’s club.

 

[Conciliar]

She was 18 and working in an adult establishment. I think 18 is considered a legal adult in terms of marriage pretty much everywhere in the world. So no, I wouldn’t call him a child predator.

Well at lest you can see a problem here. I am blown away by some of the replies here.

If you go back, Jenn, and reread his description of this girl, she is obviously troubled. “Legal” all to often has no resemblence to morally upright. Predator absolutely fits this guy.

 

[BlestOne]

Well at lest you can see a problem here. I am blown away by some of the replies here.

If you go back, Jenn, and reread his description of this girl, she is obviously troubled. “Legal” all to often has no resemblence to morally upright. Predator absolutely fits this guy.

Wow, That’s awfully judgmental!!! You are on a roll today Conciliar!!!