Hurt...Unsure what to do?

[camomof2]

Hi all. Brand mew member here. I’m at a bit of a big dilemma. Before I get to that, let me tell you a little about me and my family.

I’m 27 years old. Raised in the Catholic faith since birth. My brother and I both went to Catholic school.

My husband is 32. He was also raised in the Catholic faith. He went to public school.

We have two children together. A boy who is 5, and a girl who is 2.

My husband recently stopped coming to church with us. My parents havent seen him in church either and had me talk to him about this. First off, he told me that my parents that they need to mind their own business. He also told me that he doesn’t believe in God, and that he never has. He was forced into going to church as a young child. His parents never let him decide which religion was right for him. There’s other things that go along with it, but that’s the majority of it. He never told me any of this before we were married. He also said he would come to church with me and the children every Sunday, but don’t expect him to go to confession or bible study.

My husband is a good man. Good to me and our children .Doesn’t have a mean bone in his body. I’m just really hurt about all this. I thought we both had the same views on religion and God.

Also, he doesn’t want our children to go to Catholic school. He says that it’s a “waste” of money. Not that he doesn’t want our children learning about God, but tha he’d rather spend the $100,000+ on our children’s college. He says Public education and Catholic education get you the same thing in the end…a high school diploma. We can afford it, but we do also have great public school where we live.

I’m not sure what to do. I know that speaking to a Priest is probably the better thing to do. Any suggestions?

 

[EasterJoy]

It is unlikely he’s doing this to hurt you. Coming to this conclusion at 32 instead of 22 is a red flag, however. Talk to your pastor, and decide what to do after that.

 

[Rence]

I think that first of all, having outsiders work on him with regards to his faith will just push him away. I think the best way for you to lead him towards the Church is by your example. Be patient and pray for him and don’t nag him. If he agreed to come to Church with you, grab it. Pick your battles. We’re not required to go to Bible study anyway. And going to Confession is a personal matter.

Keep in mind that life is a journey, and faith is a journey, and it seems that he’s in a part of his journey where he needs spiritual nurturing. Do you really believe he never believed in God? It may be that he has lost his faith or a part of it. If he’s not opposed to teaching your children about Catholicism, I don’t believe he doesn’t believe in God. He’s encountered a stumbling block (or some stumbling blocks) and needs time to pick himself up again. Give him a chance to do so. He needs to work through it. Be there for him and be an example of your faith.

About the Catholic school thing…I kind of agree with him, but that’s because I believe that parents should take more responisibility for their children’s upbringing in the Church than schools. I believe that’s why people are less catechized. So I would suggest that if he wants to send them to public school to save money for college, and you think the education is comparable to the private schools in your area, just teach them Catholicism at home. There is always Sunday school too. But if you feel the public schools are lacking in education quality, then I’d talk to him more about it with out the religious aspect. Again, I think YOU should be teaching them the right way, rather than relying on the schools to do it. I went to Catholic schools all my life from grammar school, to high school, to college and to university, and I never picked up the Catechism once, and never read an encyclical until I happened upon this forum a few years ago. So I don’t think Catholic schools are all that when it comes to teaching about Catholicism.

 

[yogicat]

Please show him information about how much better Catholic schools are than public schools. It isn’t about the religious side of the school either - they actually DO teach far more information. If your kids go to public school, they will not be ready for college. They will just be more sheep adding to the status quo. Honestly, the best (and cheapest?) education is home schooling - tell your husband that!! I am serious though, Catholic schooling is much better in the end. Even some non-Catholics send their kids there to rescue them from the pit that is public education, unless you live in an extremely good area. As for it being too expensive, I’m sure when your kids are 12 or 13 he will say that college is too expensive too. My parents didn’t pay for a dime of my education, I suffered through the hell that is public school getting all A’s with absolutely no effort and no real learning, and then went to college on student loans and found that I didn’t actually acquire any skills in the 18 previous years of my life.

As for your husband not believing in God, give him time. Give him space and give him your love. Do not force him to go to church, do not guilt him, but do not let your faith wane and do not let him speak ill of God or of his disbelief around your children. You cannot force him to believe, and yes, leave your parents out of it. Pray for him. He will come back to the faith eventually I believe, but not if you guilt him or make him bad. I am sorry that you are hurting, I do understand your pain.

 

[Rence]

Please show him information about how much better Catholic schools are than public schools. It isn’t about the religious side of the school either - they actually DO teach far more information. If your kids go to public school, they will not be ready for college. They will just be more sheep adding to the status quo.

That depends on the school actually. Where I lived, there were many Catholic schools in the area. But there was one public high school that gave them a run for their money, had high standards and was difficult to get into. It was harder to get into that public school than the Catholic schools. Most of the Catholic schools had placement exams, especially the closer ones. That public high school had entrance exams. If you didn’t score high enough, you didn’t get in. It was very competitive and had a waiting list at the time.

 

[joshkt79]

That depends on the school actually. Where I lived, there were many Catholic schools in the area. But there was one public high school that gave them a run for their money, had high standards and was difficult to get into. It was harder to get into that public school than the Catholic schools. Most of the Catholic schools had placement exams, especially the closer ones. That public high school had entrance exams. If you didn’t score high enough, you didn’t get in. It was very competitive and had a waiting list at the time.

It does depend on the school. I went to a public school all of my life. Both K-8, and high school were in the top tier of public education. It also depends on how you teach/raise your children.

To the OP: It seems like your husband is maybe confused about his faith at this point. Give him some time, let him know that you still love him and care for him. I agree that Catholic school can be a waste of money, especially if there is a good public school in the area. For example, a co-worker of mine lives in the same school district as us, but he decided to send all 4 of his kids to private schools. Bam, $1,600/month,thank you! He’s barely making ends meet and had to get a second job.

 

[lifeisbeautiful]

OP, I would talk to a priest you can trust about this. I do not think it is a good idea to have your parents push the issue, but you certainly can talk with your husband, and above all pray. Be patient and loving with your husband.

About Catholic school vs Public, taking care of a child’s soul is more important than acedemics, period, and this must be taken into account when choosing where they will be learning, spending most of their time during the school year, during the years where they are being formed and are very sensitive to what they are learning. This does not mean every Catholic school teaches the Truth and we should blindly send our kids anywhere that claims to be Catholic, nor that education is not very important (it is very important), but it simply reflects the fact that we, as parents, are supposed to raise our children in the faith as best we can, and we should rather raise saints than scholars (although these are certainly not exclusive of each other).

ETA: I was trying to find this quote:

The Council also reminds Catholic parents of the duty of entrusting their children to Catholic schools wherever and whenever it is possible and of supporting these schools to the best of their ability and of cooperating with them for the education of their children.(28)

vatican.va/archive/hist_councils/ii_vatican_council/documents/vat-ii_decl_19651028_gravissimum-educationis_en.html
DECLARATION ON CHRISTIAN EDUCATION
GRAVISSIMUM EDUCATIONIS
PROCLAIMED BY HIS HOLINESS POPE PAUL VI

 

[Leegal]

Depends on where you live though – we have excellent, competititve High Schools here, but the elementary schools, for a large part, fail to live up to standards. There really are few decent public schools for younger children that can compete with the Catholic schools. Classes in public elementary schools are overcrowded in NYC.

I’m sorry to hear that your husband has decided not to attend Mass – do speak with your priest – but as for not giving the children a Catholic school education you have to take into account where you live and how good the public schools are in your area and whether they are competitive with Catholic schools. Maybe you can give him a gentle reminder that he promised to be with you and the children for attendance at Mass.

If finances are a consideration, then you have to decide how good the elementary schools are in your area.

God Bless, but speak with a priest.

 

[coachkfan1]

First of all, I am so sorry that you are going through this. I actually think that it is best that your parents do mind their own business, for the reasons that others have said, but also because inlaws and parents meddling in a marraige is a recipe for bitterness and resentments.

The good news is that your husband has agreed to continue to attend Mass with your family. This shows that you and the kids are still very important to him! It is also encouraging because being in the presence of the Lord and hearing God’s Word has changed many a heart. Many people have a crisis of faith, some very serious. But in the end, this is between God and that person, although others are certainly affected by what’s going on.

I hope that he will agree not to disparage the faith particularly to the children. Even a non believer can agree with the good moral principles that the Church teaches. Finally, pray and don’t give up. St. Monica is a favorite saint of mine who gained the conversion of her son and husband. God bless your family during what I know is a challenging time.

 

[MamaJewel]

My husband recently stopped coming to church with us. My parents havent seen him in church either and had me talk to him about this. First off, he told me that my parents that they need to mind their own business. He also told me that he doesn’t believe in God, and that he never has. He was forced into going to church as a young child. His parents never let him decide which religion was right for him. There’s other things that go along with it, but that’s the majority of it. He never told me any of this before we were married. He also said he would come to church with me and the children every Sunday, but don’t expect him to go to confession or bible study.

My husband is a good man. Good to me and our children .Doesn’t have a mean bone in his body. I’m just really hurt about all this. I thought we both had the same views on religion and God.

I’m not sure what to do. I know that speaking to a Priest is probably the better thing to do. Any suggestions?

I will keep you and your family in my prayers.
May I ask, are you married in the Church? Are your children baptized? I’m asking because a yes answer means that your H led you to believe that you were evenly yoked going into your M.

You definitely need to speak to your priest, or a catholic counselor about this. This is not good. I can only imagine your pain and feelings of betrayal. I know I would be very hurt if my husband had denounced God. But for your husband to say that he never believed a marriage and two children later, that’s unacceptable. I don’t know how you should handle it. If you take what he’s saying to be true, then that means he deceived you going into the marriage. If he’s making this up now, and rewriting his personal history, then he’s being dishonest currently. Either way, your husband hasn’t been completely honest with you. I’m so sorry. I hope your priest or a counselor can help.

 

[EasterJoy]

It does depend on the school. I went to a public school all of my life. Both K-8, and high school were in the top tier of public education. It also depends on how you teach/raise your children.

To the OP: It seems like your husband is maybe confused about his faith at this point. Give him some time, let him know that you still love him and care for him. I agree that Catholic school can be a waste of money, especially if there is a good public school in the area. For example, a co-worker of mine lives in the same school district as us, but he decided to send all 4 of his kids to private schools. Bam, $1,600/month,thank you! He’s barely making ends meet and had to get a second job.

Some parish schools can sometimes also fail spectacularly at teaching the faith, too…as do some after-school and evening religious educations programs for the public school kids. If the OPs husband wants to keep your kids out of Catholic schools, though, he’ll need to sign on to teach them the faith in an even more concentrated fashion than if you, the primary educators of the faith, were getting some formal help during the school day.

Having said that, we don’t have any parishes around here in which all of the parish children attend the parish school. If you look at the altar servers or the confirmandi, you can see that Catholic children attending a public school can be raised in the faith very well, thank you very much. In that case, the question becomes one of whether money is best spent on parish school tuition or some other academic advantage. I certainly don’t think it is a slam-dunk in favor of the parish school ever time, even when money is not the issue.

Based on antecdotal evidence, it is a serious scandal to Catholic children when they attend a parish school in which the basics of Catholic life do not exceed that of the public school. Hypocrisy makes a bigger impression than any amount of purely academic redress could fix. If there is more bullying, more gossip, more conspicuous consumption without conspicuous efforts to serve the poor to go with it, more defiant attitudes concerning the authority of Rome, more of a tendency to see education as a means to join or stay in the affluent classes, and so on at the “Catholic” school, that can have a lasting negative impact on a child’s spiritual life and the child’s view of the Church as a whole. Again, based on the exit interviews spontaneously provided by former students, I think such a school would mainly generate lukewarm Catholics and ex-Catholics with a dim view of the Church. Who could pay a Catholic parent enough to leave their child to that?

Or, as the Lord said, “What profit is there for one to gain the whole world and forfeit his life?” (Mark 8:36)

 

[EasterJoy]

PS Since you say of your husband “He also told me that he doesn’t believe in God, and that he never has. He was forced into going to church as a young child”, I kind of wonder if your older child’s impending Catholic education isn’t bringing back adverse experiences from your husband’s own childhood…that is, how his education was handled, both by his parents and by the schools he was sent to. If what he is being taught on paper compares poorly to the reality he is getting from the “good Catholics” in his life, that kind of bad formative experience can ruin a child’s faith.

For instance, when he told his parents or his teachers, “I don’t believe this”, he might have been reprimanded, punished, or shamed, rather than having them talk with him sensitively about the difference between having the feeling something is true and whether or not that something really is true. There might have been a sadness in his life that put his little soul into a dark place, and he may have been reinforced in his feelings of spiritual isolation, rather than getting comfort when he needed it.

That’s just one possibility*, but be ready for the possibility that a lot of his old hurt feelings could rise to meet your newly-hurt ones. The ferocity of old hurts, especially childhood hurts that finally have an adult to defend them, is not to be underestimated. Try to help him be on the side of that “hurt child” he has told you that he is still carrying around.

*(Another possibility is that he is one of those little kids who went through a long or short puke period, wherein we try to show how superior we are to everyone else by looking down on their most cherished beliefs. He’d have been slammed even harder by his parents if he gave them “this-little-puke-thinks-he’s-better-than-you” defiance against the faith, which would also leave him with some hurts in tender places, but I think you’d have gotten a whiff of that long before this!!)

 

[ruth0903]

I’m so sorry that you are going through this, I will keep you in my prayers, and may I suggest you pray the Rosary and ask the Blessed Mother’s intercession in this.

God bless you and your family,
Ruth

 

[katolsk]

I’m now coming around to the fact that I don’t want to send my kids to Catholic schools too, have attended Cathilc high school and college.

At the very least would he agree to sit thought mass and fake it for the kids for one hour a week? Obviously he couldn’t take communion. This could be similar to what many nonCatholic spouces does.

 

[lifeisbeautiful]

OP, I would talk to a priest you can trust about this. I do not think it is a good idea to have your parents push the issue, but you certainly can talk with your husband, and above all pray. Be patient and loving with your husband.

About Catholic school vs Public, taking care of a child’s soul is more important than acedemics, period, and this must be taken into account when choosing where they will be learning, spending most of their time during the school year, during the years where they are being formed and are very sensitive to what they are learning. This does not mean every Catholic school teaches the Truth and we should blindly send our kids anywhere that claims to be Catholic, nor that education is not very important (it is very important), but it simply reflects the fact that we, as parents, are supposed to raise our children in the faith as best we can, and we should rather raise saints than scholars (although these are certainly not exclusive of each other).

ETA: I was trying to find this quote:

vatican.va/archive/hist_councils/ii_vatican_council/documents/vat-ii_decl_19651028_gravissimum-educationis_en.html
DECLARATION ON CHRISTIAN EDUCATION
GRAVISSIMUM EDUCATIONIS
PROCLAIMED BY HIS HOLINESS POPE PAUL VI

typo *academics, lol, doesn’t help the case…

BTW, while I wanted to point out our duty to support Catholic schools, and how the spiritual aspect is more important than the academic one, I also wanted to point out our duty to do what is best for our family, which could mean different things for different families (spirituality still goes first, of course).

 

[hurting]

A couple of thoughts…

Fraternal correction is in order here for a wayward husband and father. He needs to be leading his family in the faith and that starts with going to Mass every Sunday. find somebody to help you in the fraternal correction.

Catholic schools are the best way we have for propagating the faith in our children, although, as others have mentioned, some fall short of their primary mission in this regard, and I suspect a few are dangerously derelict in that they may not be faithful to the catechism.

The typical Catholic school does a remarkable job of delivering on both a spiritual education as well as secular learning, especially when the expenditure per student is considered. The better schools in the better suburban public systems deliver a comparable secular education but at a typically far greater cost than the parochial, the difference being that the former is heavily public subsidized.

Spend your money on a high quailty K-12 parochial education. College will take care of itself (you will need to save way more money to pay for college than you would ever spend on K-12 education).

 

[SouthCatholic]

Unless your husband is abusing your and/or the kids, your parents need to butt out of your marriage.

Also, I went to Catholic school from pre-K through the middle of the tenth grade. When I left and went to public school I had to get tutored to catch up to what they were doing in the public school despite having been in honors classes at the Catholic school. So he may have a point especially if the public schools in your area are very good.

Other than that, you have to work on these issues with your husband and your priest.

 

[ryecroft]

I have to agree with Rence about the Catholic Schools - where I went when I came to the states for school - especially high school was FAR superior (with the scores to prove it too) to the Catholic Schools - and I was greatful my parents let me ditch the awful Catholic School in high school in Florida (won’t say where exactly) - I was able to have more advanced classes and had the option of not just AP classes but an IB curriculum and soooo many more choices as to my languages and other class choices. My parents still made me go to class on sunday and some youth group- the Catholic high school had two choices of foreign language and 2 or 3 AP courses - not to mention very limited electives. Just because it’s a Catholic School doesn’t make it wonderful. And there is NO way I would have ever wanted to go to a Catholic College/University - when we looked (my parents and I) - all I was told I could really receive was a “liberal arts” education or a degree with theology or something - not exactly something employers are falling over themselves to find - but I will admit that can be a good background if you specifically want to go study law - cannon or regular.
God Bless-
Rye

p.s. with that exra money, if you guys agree, take them around to some of the Catholic places around the world -where Saints came from or Lourdes. And when your kids are older - ASK them where they would like to go - they may be mature enough to say “please don’t send me to public school” or “please don’t make me go to that Catholic School” - no where when I got married do I remember agreeing that my children were REQUIRED to go to Catholic School - only that I would raise them in the Faith.