Hurtful Inlaws-How to respond?

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leonie said:
Of course, your inlaws sound like awful people. So, I’m not trying to excuse that horrible card in any way.

In the Five Love Languages written by Gary Chapman, he talks about people who only feel loved by receiving presents. My mom’s primary love language is presents. It took me a long time to realize this. For all the years of my childhood and into my twenties, I didn’t feel loved. Now, I realize that the way she is always trying to give me things is the way she is expressing love.

It may be that your inlaws (as immature as they sound) only feel love if they actually receive a present. So, they may not be reacting to the fact that they didn’t get a fabulous gift, but that they felt rejected by not receiving love (the gift). This might explain why they spoil your dau by giving her lots of gifts.

Does that make sense at all? Does it help?
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If that is the case which is may very well be that’s a pretty sad commentary on the fact that my husband didn’t receive any gifts from them for the 1st 13 years of his life -no birthday, no Christmas. What does that say?
 
Well, if it’s any consolation, the same things happen to us.

They didn’t even give us a wedding gift b/c the rehearsal dinner was the “gift” (we had 2 witnesses in the wedding party and each were single, so it really wasn’t a big to-do at all… it was quite informal).

The in-laws live 800 miles away and we’re lucky to see them once a year. I screen phone calls because I refuse to speak with them because I’m constantly asked when I’m returning to work (I’m a stay-at-home mom) so we can afford more things.

Don’t worry too much… give lots of love to your husband and PRAY!
 
Listen, if there is anything I could relate to about your post it was the part that said “I am tired of always being the better person”.

ME TOO.

Darn those Catholic Teachings anyway.

Seriously, I do understand. Sometimes I think “this is just not fair…” but the reality is we are held to a higher standard of behavior than those who do not practice The Faith. It is what it is…and thank HEAVENS for the Sacrament of Reconcilliation for those times when I have just had ENOUGH of all the mean spirited outright STUPID people in my life.

especially when I am one of them.

But, Rayne - you are a good person. You have a good, strong husband. You don’t have to tell them off - you can vent to us, or use your Jesus Box but continue to love and pray for them. You do not have to be abused but you don’t have to jump into the sandbox and start fighting with the bums, uh, inlaws, either…and anyone who reads into that original post that she is not honoring parents needs to take a deep breath and re-read it.

I will tell you that because of the teachings of the Holy Mother Church and my 12-Step program I was the only one of my father’s three children who had a good relationship with him when he died. I was the only one who knew that ten days before he died he received the Sacrament of Reconcilliation and the Eucharist and returned ‘Home to Rome’ after 44 years of being away.

SO - my point is hang in there, Sister. If it was easy being one of us, everyone would be…:dancing:
 
Well hubby called his house today, he got the answering machine and left a message saying “Thank you for the birthday card, it was nice that you were thinking of me, I love you both -have a great day.” I am SO proud of him and he was grinning from ear to ear when he hung up.

Tommorow we’re going over my parents to help them paint. It’ll be good for my husband -my mom adores him (sometimes I think she likes him better than me LOL) and she lavishes praise on him all the time. My mom’s italian and she’ll pat my husband on the head and say “He’s such a good boy!” - it’s quite humorous. My dad never had a son either and he likes to talk “shop” with my hubby. (Dad’s a retired engineer and hubby is a machinest.) They talk about things that are greek to me.

So all is good. I thank God for all the healing he’s done in both our lives and the fact that my hubby came through with a smile on his face.
 
leonie said:
Of course, your inlaws sound like awful people. So, I’m not trying to excuse that horrible card in any way.

In the Five Love Languages written by Gary Chapman, he talks
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Gary Chapman publishes through Moody Press, and seems to me to be a combination Protestant minister and pop shrink. Not the stuff for Catholics, IMOPO.
 
What is up with stereotypical horrible in-laws? I’m in the thick of it myself and I can’t figure it out. Why do people act so horribly?
 
OutinChgoburbs said:
Gary Chapman publishes through Moody Press, and seems to me to be a combination Protestant minister and pop shrink. Not the stuff for Catholics, IMOPO.
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Thanks for your concern. But, I am well-formed in my Catholic Theology and morality. No worries!! I think most Catholics can read Protestant books without endangering their faith. But, of course, we must be prudent. 🙂

I first heard of this book from Kimberly Hahn in a tape series.
 
rayne89 said:
If that is the case which is may very well be that’s a pretty sad commentary on the fact that my husband didn’t receive any gifts from them for the 1st 13 years of his life -no birthday, no Christmas. What does that say?
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Well, I was just hoping to maybe draw some rationale for their behavior. Love excuses all things! Sometimes you dig and dig, and it is impossible to find any way to excuse people.

They just sound like very wounded and unhealthy people. Sorry. Thank goodness they have your family to pray for them.

God Bless.
 
rayne89 said:
Well hubby called his house today, he got the answering machine and left a message saying “Thank you for the birthday card, it was nice that you were thinking of me, I love you both -have a great day.” I am SO proud of him and he was grinning from ear to ear when he hung up.

Tommorow we’re going over my parents to help them paint. It’ll be good for my husband -my mom adores him (sometimes I think she likes him better than me LOL) and she lavishes praise on him all the time. My mom’s italian and she’ll pat my husband on the head and say “He’s such a good boy!” - it’s quite humorous. My dad never had a son either and he likes to talk “shop” with my hubby. (Dad’s a retired engineer and hubby is a machinest.) They talk about things that are greek to me.

So all is good. I thank God for all the healing he’s done in both our lives and the fact that my hubby came through with a smile on his face.
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Your hubby handled that so well! It’s wonderful that he has your parents to be his parents now, too.

I can’t offer you any advice you haven’t heard, but we’re in a similar situation. My MIL is emotionally abusive towards my husband and has been his whole life. She’s manipulative and just mean. We’ve handled it by minimizing contact with them. I worry about when we have children; there’s no way I’d ever allow them to be alone at their grandparents house. But, we’ll cross that bridge when we get there. We’re really fortunate that my parents love my husband like their own sons. It really helps–he’s got a mom and dad who care about him like parents should.

I’ll pray for your situation–don’t let these nasty people get you down if you can help it!
 
masondoggy said:
You are completely missing the point. The OP’s issue is not about $$, it’s about the rotten treatment shoveled out towards her husband by his own parents.

Maybe some people will never understand that unless they witness it or experience it themselves.
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Wasn’t it about remembering birthdays? Not having the *money *to remember a birthday? There is not enough honoring of parents. The problems that I wrote about were also not about money, per se, but about respect for parents. Money is just a tool. Often I am blamed for my parents’ feelings, so I know of what I speak. If there is some disagreement, childlike, they believe that their parents couldn’t have opinions on their behavior. It must come from a sibling. Wrong. His parents were also made in the image and likeness of God and God knew that those two would be his parents. They are his parents for a reason. It is his salvation. He probably loves and understands them, well. Anyhoo, the matches bit, etc. could be something he got from HIS parents, etc. Our family handed down some things that masquerade as faults and as virtues. I’m a peacemaker not a divider. I’ve seen some people hate each other and make up. Some will grumble all their lives, but, care about appearances. Now, you are wrong to think that noone but you knows. Everyone suffers something. Same thing with illness or handicaps. Everyone has something. The most perfect man, may die young, IOW!
 
No, it had nothing to do with “remembering birthdays”. If you would go back and read the OP’s post, you would see that the OP’s husband did indeed call his mother on her birthday.
ohioszo said:
Wasn’t it about remembering birthdays? Not having the *money *to remember a birthday? There is not enough honoring of parents. The problems that I wrote about were also not about money, per se, but about respect for parents. Money is just a tool. Often I am blamed for my parents’ feelings, so I know of what I speak. If there is some disagreement, childlike, they believe that their parents couldn’t have opinions on their behavior. It must come from a sibling. Wrong. His parents were also made in the image and likeness of God and God knew that those two would be his parents. They are his parents for a reason. It is his salvation. He probably loves and understands them, well. Anyhoo, the matches bit, etc. could be something he got from HIS parents, etc. Our family handed down some things that masquerade as faults and as virtues. I’m a peacemaker not a divider. I’ve seen some people hate each other and make up. Some will grumble all their lives, but, care about appearances. Now, you are wrong to think that noone but you knows. Everyone suffers something. Same thing with illness or handicaps. Everyone has something. The most perfect man, may die young, IOW!
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OK well, the mother-in-law called today. Hubby picked up the phone. She didn’t mention the card at all or hubby’s phone call but now she wants to come for a weekend in October.:eek: My husband told her it would depend on whether he is working overtime on the weekend or not. Neither one of us want to go over there anytime in like say -the next decade- but my husband couldn’t bring himself to tell her that.

So anyway hubby says when the weekend comes up he’ll just say he’s working - which may or may not be a lie depending on whether he really does have overtime or not. My husband thinks his mom feels guilty about the card and that’s why she invited us over. If we do end up going it’s only going to be for one day - Sunday after church other wise we get dragged to the MIL’s Pentecostal Church (and we have to make sure we leave in time for out Sunday evening Mass.) Plus the FIL can usually manage to “play nice” for a few hours. Ugg.
 
Why put yourselves and your children through that? I’d go with the overtime and stick with it, even if it fell through suddenly. These people are just sick.
 
Yeah, after you explained more about them I agree with Outin. Actually, I would cut them out of my life. Perhaps you and hubby can attend counseling for this problem with a counselor who deals with abuse. Noone deserves to be abused.

This site is helpful: altrue.net/site/luke173/

crystal
 
You are beating around about details, that I supposedly missed when you know that it is about breaking a commandment to Honor one’s Parents. I know that that commandment means to honor one’s aunt’s, uncles and ancestors; really, those relation older then you. Are there any extended family? If you were being persecuted, because of your Faith, that would be a different complaint, yet, the commandment is still in force. I believe that there is too much insanity caused by the devil, so, please, quit blaming the parents; blame the devil if you like! Communication with respect and love, is needed, for God brought him into the world, with those parents. Very good parents are hurt also, so, the commandment to Honor one’s parents should be observed no matter the pain.
 
ohioszo said:
You are beating around about details, that I supposedly missed when you know that it is about breaking a commandment to Honor one’s Parents. I know that that commandment means to honor one’s aunt’s, uncles and ancestors; really, those relation older then you. Are there any extended family? If you were being persecuted, because of your Faith, that would be a different complaint, yet, the commandment is still in force. I believe that there is too much insanity caused by the devil, so, please, quit blaming the parents; blame the devil if you like! Communication with respect and love, is needed, for God brought him into the world, with those parents. Very good parents are hurt also, so, the commandment to Honor one’s parents should be observed no matter the pain.
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There’s a difference between honoring parents and being a doormat for their abuse. Some people just aren’t nice people, call it the devil, call it whatever, that’s just the way it is. Rayne, and those of us dealing with abusive in-laws, need to respect them as our spouse’s parents, but that doesn’t mean that we should tolerate the continued abuse of a spouse or potentially that of a child. Sometimes minimizing contact with an abusive parent is the best way to honor them.

I can tell by what you’ve written in this thread that you don’t quite understand the situation. I’m not saying that to belittle you in any way, in fact, I’m grateful that you don’t understand. No one should have to know what it’s like to have abusive parents or in-laws and I’m glad you’ve not had to deal with this. But, please, in turn don’t belittle those of us who do deal with this by saying that we don’t honor those abusers enough or by making it sound like the abused adults are doing something wrong. That’s not the case. We need to pray for these misguided people, but until their behavior improves, there’s no need to allow our spouses to be hurt and abused some more.
 
I too have issues with hurtful inlaws and would love any assistance on how to deal with them. My husband of 10 years and I have recently separated (Sep.16/09). I have had many issues with his hurtful and abusive one and only sister aka my sister-in-law. My husband and his sister are alcoholics. My sister-in-law lives 2 doors from my house. After a long weekend of the two of them getting drunk together while I removed myself and my children from the situation, then turned on me and my oldest daughter (15 at the time). My sister-in-law barged into my house drunk, when me and my 3 children were quietly watching a movie on TV. My husband was sleeping at the time, but he got up from his drunken state and started to side with his sister. The two of them (both drunk) started yelling at me and my oldest, with my sister-in-law also blaming my oldest for all the problems in my marriage. I tried to ignore my sister-in-law, but my oldest could not. In a nutshell when my daughter started saying things like, “if I were dead would that solve everyone’s problems, would it help if I killed myself by jumping off a bridge would that make you happy” to my sister-in-law, and my sister-in-law saying “yes it would make everything better, in fact I will help drive you to the bridge.” This is when I stopped ignoring her and told her to leave my house, after much profanity used by her, and her refusal to leave my house and my husband not doing anything about it, I eventually pushed her out of the house. Unfortunately, she tripped on the threshold of the door due to her intoxicated state, and she fell flat on her butt. My daughter and my husband eventually started to fight and the neighbours overhead the commotion and came to our rescue. With little care for my two younger children who witnessed everything, my husband and his sister finally left my house. Eventually I stayed true to my vows and took my husband back after 2 weeks and I have not spoken with his sister for the past 6 months. On a few occasions in the past 6 months, she has continued to be rude to my eldest daughter and I have asked her to stop but with no success. We tried reconcilling, but 3 months into the reconciliation when he still could not see the wrong in what his sister did to our family and with my husband refusal to put his wife and kids first we separated again. This time, after 1 week, when he came by to pick up some clothes, he started such a scene in front of my kids, assaulted me, put a fist through my wall, I called 911 and he was arrested. A week after that, he was arrested again, as he failed to obey the condition of staying away from my house. It’s been 3 months and his case has not yet gone in front of a judge. For the past 3 months, he has not asked for access to his kids to spend time with them, although he calls them regularly. He and his sister, have now turned their parents against me and my daugther and have not seen them or asked to see them since. It’s the uggliest mess a family can face. It’s been a difficult time, and I am losing hope fast.
 
laframl said:
I too have issues with hurtful inlaws and would love any assistance on how to deal with them. My husband of 10 years and I have recently separated (Sep.16/09). I have had many issues with his hurtful and abusive one and only sister aka my sister-in-law. My husband and his sister are alcoholics. My sister-in-law lives 2 doors from my house. After a long weekend of the two of them getting drunk together while I removed myself and my children from the situation, then turned on me and my oldest daughter (15 at the time). My sister-in-law barged into my house drunk, when me and my 3 children were quietly watching a movie on TV. My husband was sleeping at the time, but he got up from his drunken state and started to side with his sister. The two of them (both drunk) started yelling at me and my oldest, with my sister-in-law also blaming my oldest for all the problems in my marriage. I tried to ignore my sister-in-law, but my oldest could not. In a nutshell when my daughter started saying things like, “if I were dead would that solve everyone’s problems, would it help if I killed myself by jumping off a bridge would that make you happy” to my sister-in-law, and my sister-in-law saying “yes it would make everything better, in fact I will help drive you to the bridge.” This is when I stopped ignoring her and told her to leave my house, after much profanity used by her, and her refusal to leave my house and my husband not doing anything about it, I eventually pushed her out of the house. Unfortunately, she tripped on the threshold of the door due to her intoxicated state, and she fell flat on her butt. My daughter and my husband eventually started to fight and the neighbours overhead the commotion and came to our rescue. With little care for my two younger children who witnessed everything, my husband and his sister finally left my house. Eventually I stayed true to my vows and took my husband back after 2 weeks and I have not spoken with his sister for the past 6 months. On a few occasions in the past 6 months, she has continued to be rude to my eldest daughter and I have asked her to stop but with no success. We tried reconcilling, but 3 months into the reconciliation when he still could not see the wrong in what his sister did to our family and with my husband refusal to put his wife and kids first we separated again. This time, after 1 week, when he came by to pick up some clothes, he started such a scene in front of my kids, assaulted me, put a fist through my wall, I called 911 and he was arrested. A week after that, he was arrested again, as he failed to obey the condition of staying away from my house. It’s been 3 months and his case has not yet gone in front of a judge. For the past 3 months, he has not asked for access to his kids to spend time with them, although he calls them regularly. He and his sister, have now turned their parents against me and my daugther and have not seen them or asked to see them since. It’s the uggliest mess a family can face. It’s been a difficult time, and I am losing hope fast.
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May I suggest, since this thread is more than three years old, you start a new thread of your own to get better help for your issues. 🙂
 
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