hurting

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No I am in danger. But, I just cant’ take the back and forth and indecision. When he’s happy, he wants to be together and make it work. Any bump and then it’s over, too bad so sad. If he does something wrong, it’s like okay, whatever. Yesterday night he was okay, then he came and asked me to find something for him at midnight and I got upset (because the baby kept waking up), so then he was mad. Sheesh…I tell you he is the baby of his family and he is a good worker and supports us (makes more $$ than I do), but he needs a mommy, and while I am a good mommy to our son, I am not such a good mommy to him, lol.
 
jenna335 said:
Thanks Bell, I don’t think he’d do something like that - I mean he is very straight and he’ll tell you like it is. I know, sometimes he seems fishy to me too, but I am very observant. I am very trusting though so I can’t say for sure. I can only say that he says if he ever did, he would tell me straight out. And if he wanted to hurt me all he would have to do it say that, and believe me, it seems like he likes hurting me when he’s mad. I will look at that site. Thanks! I hope I can turn it around and save it.
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You misunderstood me. I am not suggesting that you get your husband involved in anything.

Marriage builders provides a form of marriage coaching that works whether or not an affair is going on. They are increadable.

There is no need for him to get involved. It takes the work of only one spouse to completely turn a marriage around. Believe me I know from experience. I have seen their approach work miracles.
 
Jenna,

One sentance really stood out to me. You said that you were trying to be the person your husband wanted you to be. I too was in a similar situation as you, it seemed like everything about me wasn’t good enough for him. Through therapy, family support, and prayer I worked on myself, and got back to being the person I had been before I was trying so hard to be something else. I would suggest that a good start would be to help yourself, through whatever means you are comfortable with. Hopefully that will give you strength to handle whatever may come. I know that for myself I want positive roll models and examples in my children’s lives, and that those roll models/examples must start with me. I remember to well all the pain you must be feeling, and just know that my prayers and I’m sure a lot of others prayers are with you.
 
if he keeps throwing up to you that you were not a virgin when you married–that is his problem. I dont see where this has any bearing on the situation as far as the Church is concerned…
the scriptures and other teachings on marriage are not dependent on you or him being a virgin that I know of.

are YOU really sure you want this Jekyll and Hyde character in your life and your son’s life for the rest of your days?

Ravyn
 
yeah, I was just planning on reading the site a little and seeing about getting that book. He wouldn’t get involved right now anyway with something like that. And I am sorry I edited that post b/c I didn’t like how that sounded at all - I didn’t mean that he likes hurting me in a bad way, just when we argue he can be insulting, so I meant it like in an insulting way, not anything else. I am sorry if I gave the wrong impression about that - when I re-read it I was like, I don’t like the sound of that - I was typing without thinking

I mean, I have blame too. He has blame. I want it to work, he doesn’t (at least not now :confused: ). He’s not doing anything bad, or he isn’t a bad person. He just gets very emotional and can be insulting, and he is always back and forth about us and this blessing thing and he’s getting too frustrated about this so he wants out. It’s just getting too much to handle, and even though I want to handle it, he just wants out.
 
He blames you for his own impatience before marriage and uses it to put you ina hard place. He enjoys hurting you. He keeps you guessing what he will want and goes back and forth between two ways of dealing with you – the nice guy who wants it to wrk and the mean guy who wants you to beg him to stay. he wanted you to find something for him at midnight without regard to your situation, and got mad at you about it. That really is how it starts. I will pray for your safety.:eek:
 
Jenna we are so sorry for your hurting right now and pray that soon you will have some peace and comfort for you and your child.

Stay close to prayers. Surround yourself with people who love you and care for you and that want the best for you and your child. Seek counseling if you can from your priest or others.

Do not despair. The road may be very difficult but know that as a child of God you are loved and cared for always.

Prayers for you and your family for healing soon and peace. God Bless.
 
tawheedah said:
But if he had a civil ceremony then he is legally married to you and by law would not be allowed to marry another woman as long as you are legally married to him.

And if you get married in the church does that make it a blessed marriage?
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What she is talking about when she says “blessed” is to have the marriage convalidated. The church does not recognize civil marriages if one or both parties are Catholic. In the eyes of the church she is not married sacramentally to her husband. So if her husband were to divorce her and annulment would be very easy due to lack of proper form. That is what he means by he can marry again. In order for civilly married Catholics to be in good standing with the church the must have their marriage convalidated.

Considering her husband’s current behavior I doubt the church would convalidate their marriage even if he agreed. It is obvious he does not understand the true meaning of marriage and would be going into the marriage with the idea that divorce is possible,he wants to use birthcontrol, and his behavior seems abusive. The church takes the sacrament very seriously.

Jenna, maybe it is God’s will that this marriage is not convalidated. As painful as it is I don’t see anything that resembles a marriage here. This man is abusing you. He uses your past (being impure) against you, he does not treat you with respect,he doesn’t have regard for church teaching, he wants to use birthcontrol, he threatens divorce. In marriage it is not your job “to try to be who he wants”, he needs to love you for who you are.

You can show you son the importance of marriage by taking the sacrament of marriage as serious as the church does and not try to remain with a man who is not your husband in the eyes of God. All of us fall short, all of us make mistakes -you can raise your son in the faith, you can show him the importance of what it means to be Catholic by placing God at the center of your life. Staying with an abusive man who is not willing to follow the church, whom you can not have marital relations with without sinning because you are not married in the eyes of the Church is not the example you want to give.

It is very painful but you need to look at this situation for what it is. God loves you with an infinite love, trust in his mercy and forgiveness. Do not let this man continue to manipulate and abuse you. You have my prayers.
 
well, you are right in that he is not acting like a catholic. But I really don’t like saying it’s abuse. it’s not. Is he not treating me right? No, he’s not, but it’s nothing like that. I don’t want to give that impression. He is a good guy with some problems. I have problems too. No excuses. I liked your post though. And you are about thinking about everything. I will talk to him tonight. I am gone for the night. Thanks!
 
strngrnrth said:
He blames you for his own impatience before marriage and uses it to put you ina hard place. He enjoys hurting you. He keeps you guessing what he will want and goes back and forth between two ways of dealing with you – the nice guy who wants it to wrk and the mean guy who wants you to beg him to stay. he wanted you to find something for him at midnight without regard to your situation, and got mad at you about it. That really is how it starts. I will pray for your safety.:eek:
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I have to agree, sadly from experience, as I learned the hard way, the I was almost killed way… the it’s been 2 years and my life still isn’t put back together way.

It starts with the manipulation. Then the control.
 
Jenna, have you ever heard of Retrouvaille? I think this would be a great thing for the 2 of you if he would be up for it. I just came back from my weekend at Retrouvaille, and let me tell you, you will learn to communicate so well, you will not even recognize who you are married to. It’ll be as if you just had gotten married.

www.retrouvaille.org

By far, the best thing I’ve ever done in my marriage was to go to Retrouvaille.

Maybe all you need are new ways of communicating. The reason most problems arise are because of poor communication skills.
 
Jenna,

You indicated that you are a catholic as well having completed RCIA in the past, correct?

I think you need to speak with your parish priest. You can get advice here, some of it great and accurate, some perhaps not. That can be due to the writiers inability to correctly communicate the information or to perhaps be uninformed…and with many topics…marriages are complex and have many variables…

You are correct that an civil marriage contracted by a ‘catholic’ is not recognized as a Sacramental Marriage. In that respect it becomes easier for a marriage [according to the Catholic Rite] after the civil marriage has ended in divorce.

Are you and your husband regularly attending Mass? Is your child receiving catechesis [religious education]? I ask this because First Communion preparation, baptism preparation, etc have catechesis and formation aimed at the parents as well…

At this stage, even if your husband agreed to have your marriage blessed would it automatically become Sacramental? Woud he be making this decision ‘freely’ and with the complete understanding of what ‘the sacrament of marriage’ entails? If I was preparing you for marriage in the church, I would be highly suspect that he would be…
My advice would to become active in mass attendance and the religious education of your child. If your husband will not actively seek marriage counselling at this time, the formation you both receive [to the benefit of and focused your child] may sow the seed of conversion…

A marriage counseling type of avenue that is based upon Catholic teachings is Retrouvaille a link to their web site is below…I am sure you can find them near your place of residence…

retrouvaille.org/
 
wow Yada, thanks for such a great post, and thanks everyone else too! I am not catholic yet only because of this blessing situation. They can not fully absolve me during a confession because of this so thus I can’t enter into the church until that is complete. I have been attending Catholic mass for about 7- 8 years, and I do seek counsel from priests here in my area - they are great and all want to help. I am just waiting to become a member of the church 👍

And you are right, until he WANTS to do this, I can’t pressure b/c maybe it wouldn’t be sacramental then.

I did talk to him last night and there’s nothing that we can do right now about that living situation - he has to go to this new job and I have not given notice, so I am still at my job, and my rent payments for my place have now been put down. But, we are going to try for a while more with him coming home for weekends or us going there on weekends. Maybe it will be good for us - I won’t “frustrate” him, and I won’t have to deal with a frustrated man, and then our priest told me maybe it’s good and it will actually help b/c he will miss us and give him a chance to live all alone and lonely to think and miss us, and maybe I can work too on my isues without an argument comsuming my night. Thanks for the advice everyone and I will look at both of those sites!
 
jenna335 said:
Thanks Bell, I don’t think he’d do something like that - I mean he is very straight and he’ll tell you like it is. II am very observant. I am very trusting though.I can only say that he says if he ever did, he would tell me straight out. I will look at that site. Thanks! I hope I can turn it around and save it.

Like the previous poster said, yes he can be a jerk, lol, but the thing is that i love the jerk anyway, and with how I view marriage,** I don’t know if I could marry later b/c I would be worried it was wrong in god’s eyes,** but it’s such a complex subject that I dont’ know, I am still trying to work through everything in my head! Thanks!
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There would be no wrong in you marrying again, since you did not have an ‘official’ church marriage with him, you could with someone else.
Any sin in this area is your husband’s alone. He broke the marriage vow, not you :mad: .

Let him go and cut your losses, you deserve better.
 
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