Husban and Ex Girlfriend

[EasterJoy]

Because I have a difficult time expressin myself, I find it easier to write it out. Today I sent him a message telling him what a difficult time I was having, etc. When I got home, I showered and got into bed as I was feeling blah. He asked if we could please go to Starbucks and then for a drive to talk. He said he knows I have a hard time expressing myself but that we really need to learn to talk. We went and I explained (with much difficulty) why I have felt insecure all these years. I told him that I always felt he was with me simply because I became pregnant and that he may not have left her had I not been. He assured me that he did not regret his choice, he loved me and our children and would never change that. He said he felt nothing for her, etc. He asked me what I wanted him to do to work on trust. Because I don’t know that myself, I told him I would think about it and let him know at our counseling session on Wednesday. He said he understood how it would feel had I done that to him. I felt that he was sincere in the things he said. We agreed we would do pur best to put the past behind us and let our counselor help us on trust.

I am open to ideas/solutions on rebuilding trust that I can discuss at counseling.

You might ask your counselor about talking with notes. It is OK to write yourself notes, so you don’t forget what to say!

Also, remember that you are not in court. Your husband loves you. If you let each other have “mulligans,” where you get to have a do-over because something came out wrong, that may help your fear of saying the wrong thing. You may even learn to laugh when one of you says: OK, mulligan!! MULLIGAN Big Time!! Don’t replay that one on the Jumbotron!!

A sense of humor is a good thing for a married couple to bring to their communication. For instance, when you hear, “I don’t want to hurt your feelings but…” and you say, “Oh, this is code for ‘get ready, because the next thing I say, I can almost guarantee I’m going to hurt your feelings!’” This kind of gentle teasing can help everyone loosen up, throw the topic out, and edit later.

 

[justamon]

You might ask your counselor about talking with notes. It is OK to write yourself notes, so you don’t forget what to say!

Also, remember that you are not in court. Your husband loves you. If you let each other have “mulligans,” where you get to have a do-over because something came out wrong, that may help your fear of saying the wrong thing. You may even learn to laugh when one of you says: OK, mulligan!! MULLIGAN Big Time!! Don’t replay that one on the Jumbotron!!

A sense of humor is a good thing for a married couple to bring to their communication. For instance, when you hear, “I don’t want to hurt your feelings but…” and you say, “Oh, this is code for ‘get ready, because the next thing I say, I can almost guarantee I’m going to hurt your feelings!’” This kind of gentle teasing can help everyone loosen up, throw the topic out, and edit later.

Thanks for the tip on humor! As far as winning back trust and working on it, what do you suggest he may do to earn that or ease the insecurities? Aside from access to emails, FB and phones, what else should I request? I told him it isn’t going to happen overnight and he recognizes that. He has even agreed to individual counseling for himself. This is something I had asked of him in counseling a few weeks ago. He also agreed to return to Church and to meet with our Priest.

 

[mommamaree]

I think it helps to rebuild trust if the husband demonstrates his affection for his wife as a regular, daily part of their interactions. Maybe you can ask your husband to try to be more affectionate and complimentary toward you when you get to spend time together each day, as well as request that he never speak ill of you to others, whether you are present or not. Also, if he will make an effort to flirt with you a little in public, not anything that would make other people feel uncomfortable, but just enough to demonstrate his attachment to his wife. If he could do those things, to let you and the world know that you are his number one lady, and that no one else can hold a candle to you, then you might be able to move past your fear of losing him.

And of course, you must promise to do these same things to him, too! Making each other feel secure in your love for each other is vital in every relationship, but needs extra special attention in situations where trust is lacking.

Good luck with your appointment and God bless you!

 

[heidi_storage]

Thank you for the prayer. I may be irrational as some call me, but I can’t apologize for feeling the way I do right now. I have every reason and right to feel.

I don’t think it’s going to be very helpful to your marriage for you to insist that your feelings are paramount. It’s great that you guys are in counseling. Your husband certainly should stay away from even the appearance of wrongdoing, and he absolutely needs to love you and care about you.

But. But. You have got to work on yourself, too. I have read various of your threads, and it seems like you get furious with your husband for some fairly trivial reasons. I know your history makes you sensitive, but you have to control your feelings of jealousy. They are causing you to act in a hurtful manner, and frankly, they seem more damaging to the marriage than your husband’s Facebook posts.

I am really glad that you and your husband were able to have a talk. I definitely hope the counseling sessions benefit you both.

 

[blujazz25]

Based from what you have mention in your original post, your husband cheated on this ex girlfriend and married you.

Heres the thing, is he cheating on you right now? did he have cheating issues since you got married? if you answer No to both of these, I feel that you are being a little jealous because he still has contact with the ex girlfriend. But I can tell that he is being honest as he lets you go through his phone and FB account.

trust is a hard thing, once its broken its never the same anymore. but the mere fact the he stood up to his responsibility and married you and did not leave you when you got pregnant is a big thing.

I pray that you overcome this obstacle in your marriage and may God give you both peace and harmony.

 

[EasterJoy]

Thanks for the tip on humor! As far as winning back trust and working on it, what do you suggest he may do to earn that or ease the insecurities? Aside from access to emails, FB and phones, what else should I request? I told him it isn’t going to happen overnight and he recognizes that. He has even agreed to individual counseling for himself. This is something I had asked of him in counseling a few weeks ago. He also agreed to return to Church and to meet with our Priest.

It is an iterative lets-see-what-works process. One of you says, “I have this problem” or “I see this as an issue” and you two consider possible solutions, you two decide what to try–maybe what you’re going to do, maybe what you’re going to allow, maybe a different way you’re going to handle a recurrent problem–and you two get back to each other on how it is going. If it feels right, that’s great. When you’ve tackled a problem like that, your confidence and trust grows. If the solution doesn’t feel right yet, you try again.

For instance, maybe you want to know who he calls. He says “ok” and gives you all the codes to his phone, but he doesn’t like it. He doesn’t like the feel of it. You talk, and he realizes that he’s OK with you seeing who he has been calling, but he hates wondering what you’ve seen and what you’ve read into who he has called. You two decide that maybe as long as you promise he’ll be there every time you look, he’ll know what you have seen, and you talk right afterwards, so he doesn’t have to wonder whether there is something brewing in your heart against him. Or something–be willing to throw out ideas. If they’re not great ideas, whatever. Mulligan it.

Even if you don’t ever reach a “great” solution or if the solution only works for awhile and then stops working so well, the process feels like working together and that feels good. Does that make sense?

 

[aTraditionalist]

1. It was two years ago and meaningless?
2. You have access to his online accounts, phone, etc? You guys are ok.

Let it go.

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