Husband always complains about his job

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First, here is a link to a post I wrote 7 years ago. Ironically, I came to the forums looking to read some threads that discussed “hating job”. I found my own post which I had forgotten all about and sadly, not much has changed.
https://forums.catholic-questions.o...paying-job-by-choice-now-i-have-to-work-more/

My husband stayed at his last job (where he took a very big pay cut) for four years. He works in the water field- public works. After the first year of working there he started complaining about it like he did with the job he had when we married. It wasn’t the job itself- it’s always management he hates.

He was constantly coming home complaining about the city administrator and all of the people at city hall. He would say they all barely did anything except for pass more work off to his crew (he was the lead position in public works, just below the superintendent). So, he quit and took a job with the county in public works/water treatment and is also in a lead position there. Within a matter of months he started complaining about his new boss and all of the management there. He has become so hateful towards him and sometimes gets so worked up he has panic attacks, sometimes calls me from work and says he doesn’t think he can work one more day at this job.

He often yells at me for not doing more to help our family out. My job as a RN pays double his hourly wage, and I think that in this phase of life, me working part time still makes a large financial contribution. I do 100% of the emotional labor with our three kids who are 14, 13, and 10. If I work full time as he would like, I won’t be able to be there for our kids the way that I think I am called to be. He wants me to work more so that he can go to plumbing school. He’s 45 years old. That would mean working and going to night school when we should be focused on on our family.

Honestly- what do you see might be going on here? Is he constantly looking for his happiness in the wrong place? He actually says that until he gets a better job where he is happy, he will be too stressed and worn down to be happy in our marriage. I just see that this has now been 15 years and 3 jobs, and the same thing happens every time. I try to tell him that no matter where he goes there will still be managers, and he may not like them. That a shift in perspective might help, but in reality I don’t say too much these days because he blows his top when I offer my two cents. He’s a terrible communicator and is constantly assuming things that sounds totally paranoid to me. He thinks his boss has bad mouthed him to all of the surrounding cities so that he can’t get hired and taken away from his current job. He has interviewed probably 15 times this past year and only one job offer came- another big pay cut and no PERS so he turned it down.

I’m going full time in January. I’m nervous about holding it all together. I was diagnosed with very mild bipolar this year, and our marriage is taking its toll. I could use some outside, objective perspectives which is why I came here. Please offer any thoughts and advice…
 
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I don’t want to scare you, but the kids are heading into their adolescence and kids that age can go off the rails fast. They need you at home.

The fact is, there’s no easy answer here. There are answers, but you have to be prepared for a bumpy and painful ride.

Sometimes when you have two spouses, and one is unhappy the other spouse winds up bending over backward to keep the peace. And then this habit get very entrenched. I’m not blaming you, but this is what happened. You’re not the first spouse to fall into this trap.

You can back out of the peacemaking role, but your husband won’t stand by while you do. He will push back at the new status quo, and you have to stand firm even in the face of his anger.

Like it or not, it’s his job to work. Able bodied men with families don’t get to play at home. He has to step up and tough it out. Just like you do.

Good luck.
 
I think you’re right in that the common denominator in all his jobs is him. Panic attacks, stress and paranoia would lead me to question whether there is a larger problem than him simply looking for happiness in the wrong place (which I agree, he is). Has he ever had a medical check/appointment to test his mental health, and to talk about these things with a professional? I’d be very keen for that to happen. The yelling, and putting blame on you/his old manager suggests to me that he’s trying to deflect from thinking about his own problems. Far easier to blame you than change himself.

I’d also recommend marriage counseling, so you and your husband can both communicate and be heard, with an objective outsider to help you. I think it would be a good idea for your husband to go on his own for individual therapy, and learn coping mechanisms, and how to reframe his thinking.

I’m really sorry you’ve been struggling with this for so long. I hope it improves for you.
 
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It sounds like maybe this line of work is something your husband fell into when he was younger? As an RN, you went to school and studied something you chose, I imagine.

I have to disagree that your husband should abandon his idea of going to school to be a plumber. 45 isn’t that old. It could be he still has 25 years of working ahead of him. As a plumber, he could have his own business and not worry about the politics of working within a structure of city government.

Is there some way you all could make it work? Perhaps he could be home during the day when the kids get home from school and then go to school at night? Plumbers are some of the highest paid trades, perhaps taking out school loans to get through would make sense?

It sounds like your husband could benefit from some counseling or at least some coaching. Is he open to that?

Kids who are the ages of your kids definitely need their parents around as much as possible to guide them and be there for them. I would encourage you and your husband to “think outside the box” as to how to make that happen.

Transitions aren’t usually easy, but often times are worth the effort. I would explore all options. Life is too short to work a job that makes one miserable. It seems your husband doesn’t find fulfilment in his work. I am always amazed at the number of people who find themselves in that situation and are willing to just shrug their shoulders and say “oh well”. We spend more time working than we do anything else, as adults.
 
Given the pattern your husband has established, it sounds to me like he has a mental disorder and is blaming it on his job. The paranoia and panic attacks are not normal grumpiness about a job. I’m not even convinced that if he became a plumber and had his own business, he’d be happy and profitable, because it sounds like he just has problems getting along with people, including everybody at his job and his spouse as well.

If he’s not getting mental health help, he needs some. Also I don’t think you should be required to turn your life upside down so he can go chasing his dream. However, given how he acts I would be concerned that he might be fired from his job or just up and quit his job and you would end up having to support the family anyway, so be prepared for that.

I’m sorry you are in this situation. I hope your husband is open to getting the help that it sounds like he needs.
 
Counseling. If he will not go, you go yourself.

This sort of problem does not get better without professional intervention (as a medical professional, I know I am preaching to the choir).

Now, there are people who flourish when they are “their own boss”, and a whole nother set of stress comes with running your own plumbing business. The good news is a licensed plumber will always be able to put food on the table, even in a terrible economy.

Would it be possible for you to work full time and he takes some time as a SAHD/does some classes? Having his dad at home was an amazing benefit to our son in his teen years.

Just, find a counselor for you. Maybe he will see the difference in you and desire those same tools for his own stress.
 
What’s plumbing school?

Does he really have to go to school for it or can he, as I thought most do, apprentice under a licensed plumber?
 
I have had relatives who were plumbers and I would add that it’s highly unlikely that a brand new plumber could just hang out a shingle and start taking on plumbing jobs. It is more likely he would have to spend some significant time as an apprentice and/or working for a larger contractor in order to learn the practical aspects of the business. In other words, working in a group, with managers and supervisors. I see a likelihood that all the same patterns would recur. It might even be worse because plumbers are less likely to put up with a workmate who complains and has issues (unless perhaps he is a stellar plumber which a guy starting out in his late 40s probably isn’t), whereas the public sector tends to put up with a lot of grousing, complaining, and downright weird behavior for various reasons.
 
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I agree- adolescence and the teen years are sensitive times, and we get one chance to do this as well as we can. I want to give parenting the best that I can give. This is not the time to be putting all of our energy into career moves. He sees my stance as selfish and unsupportive; I see his stance as selfish. I have asked him if he thinks it’s valuable to have me be the one who drives our kids to school (a small private school 15 min away) and picks them up, volunteers there a day a week to keep my ear on what’s going on with them socially, and being the first one they talk to at the end of their day. His response surprised me, in that he truly doesn’t seem to see why these things matter.
 
He has never mentioned anything to his doctor- he doesn’t think anything is wrong with his behaviors. I have had depression and anxiety for years, which noticeably worsened since getting married. I have been being treated for it since after I had our first born. Just this past year, I have uncovered a lot of roots in consistent therapy and medication changes have finally gotten it under control. I had thought that he might notice the benefit it has had in me to do these self care tasks but he is so wrapped up in his anger and frustration that he seems oblivious.
 
Maybe there is another field he would like to investigate if the prospect of being a plumber is problematic.
 
Well, his dad was a plumber. And my husband took some classes in his mid twenties to get certified on cross connection which protects public water supply. And as time has went on he has earned more certifications in water distribution, and wastewater treatment and collections, backflow assembly tester- etc. He has a unique mix of qualifications in his field which I think makes him a strong candidate. However, I don’t know if his middle-age is playing against him in interviews or if the jobs he’s going up for want someone less qualified who is likely to stay longer and work towards more certifications. A big part of the reason why I think 45 is late to be getting into the game is that plumbing is a physically demanding job and he already has pain in his knees.

I went into nursing out of desperation at first. I owned my own flower shop/gift shop and the business was struggling financially- the economy was tanking right after 9/11 and big box stores were coming into our town that attracts a lot of our customers. We had already had our first child, I was pregnant with our second, and I needed something that wasn’t a strict 9 to 5 and that didn’t require so much time for me the way that self-emplowment did. I graduated nursing school 10 years ago and quickly learned that labor and delivery wasn’t what I had dreamed it would be, and I knew I did not want to do any other kind of hospital floor work. I ended up working in a pediatric clinic doing a lot of daytime hours that I had really hoped not to do, I never wanted to need to turn my kids over to a babysitter. Once my kids were in school I became even more motivated to find working hours that would let me be there for them more. The after school time is so important to me. Hearing about their day, helping them by overseeing them as they accomplish their homework, and being physically present for them gives them stability that I feel is a huge part of my vocation. l started working nights doing pediatric triage over the phone and then it felt like I was working around the clock. No matter what- my job takes its toll and I wouldn’t say I love it- it gets verrrry repetitive. But I do it because it works for the family and working from home most of the time now is nothing to sneeze at.
 
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This is exactly how I see it. I think there’s something going on psychologically, and physically (chemically/hormonal) that is making this into a tangled mess of cords. He thinks I’m ridiculous for suggesting he talk to his doctor about depression. I don’t even dare touch on the paranoia aspect!
 
I agree, and I am open to that. He doesn’t know what else he would do but I can bring it up again.
 
I have a friend who opened her own business simply repairing phone and tablet screens. She goes to the customer site, has no “shop”, brings her tools with her. She is able to work as much or as little as she wants.

Has he checked in to see what sort of career re-training is offered by your State Workforce?
 
Yes- I worry about him being self-employed… He is not an organized person whatsoever. Keeping track of expenses and labor hours and all of that alone would be a huge undertaking. He would need an assistant that did that all for him. I have been self-employed- it’s not all that. It’s A LOT of sweat and tears, long days/nights, and at times very immense pressure. Another thing is that he always complains about how at work – he has to sign his name to lots of different things and accept liability for them. If he’s a self-employed plumber – that kind of responsibility would be exponentially magnified.
 
QwertyGirl said:
Is there some way you all could make it work? Perhaps he could be home during the day when the kids get home from school and then go to school at night? Plumbers are some of the highest paid trades, perhaps taking out school loans to get through would make sense?
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I may be wrong, but I thought that plumbers apprentice, and they are paid while they train.
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I don’t think this is true for pipefitters. Just plumbers.

But again, I could be wrong. We have such a shortage of pipefitters, welders, and other skilled trades in our city that all kinds of perks are being offered to those who sign on. Maybe it’s just the electricians who get paid while they apprentice.

We had a med tech quit after a few years of working in the lab because he would make more as an electrician apprentice than he would working in the hospital lab, and there is a whole lot less stress with electrical work than hospital work. Sigh.
 
That is correct. He would work a regular 40 hour week and attend night classes. The work would be at less than half his pay, and he would get regular raises every 6 months over the course of 4 years.
 
I didn’t know about any such programs. I have often mentioned to him that we should find out if there’s a way he could consult with someone to see what his specific certifications and skill set could transfer into as far as another line of work.
 
Just goggle Workforce in your state/area. Workforce has grant money to train people for jobs where there is a need, for instance, if there is a great need for HVAC people in your area, there would be programs available. Workforce is a great program that is under utilized! They will also do aptitude testing, maybe help uncover a path he’d not thought about.
 
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