Husband and female friends?

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I am so confused as a newly married wife (its been a little over a year).

Should my husband be able to have close female friends? Like the kind who he would hang out with alone for at least a few hours at a time, or talk to/text for periods of time?
All my family who is married (my grandparents, parents, uncles and aunts, and cousins) dont believe in having close friends of the opposite sex once your married.

I agree with their view point… trouble is now most people seem to think its normal.
My husband has a female friend that hes known for years before me. When we were dating and before I met her I saw a picture of them and he “joked” that she was “his wife in Mexico”. (She was living in Mexico at the time and just visiting in summer) But he laughed right after and tried to make it clear to me that he was just joking (bad joke -_-) and that she was really young (17 at that time but only 4 years younger than me) and hes really loves her a lot and shes like a little sister to him. It didnt really bother me much at that time because she was in Mexico. But later she moved here permanently and they wete together a lot. He would take her out to breakfast/lunch they would go with eachother shopping, or just hang out at her house when he was bored and couldnt be with me. Oh also they are both really good at dancing cumbia and love it… (I know from parties) So Im pretty sure they did that for fun too (one time he said he was at her house listening to music…)
Anyways when we were engaged I told him I want to be his best friend… and Im worried about her or other female friends being closer and spending more time with him than me. He listened and assured me that Im #1 in his life and the only female friends he has are those who hes known for years before he met me. That they dont like eachother that way… that if anything would have happened it already would have. It was really hard for me to understand as I have never had any close male friends in my life (except for my cousin).
So yea I felt reassured and trusted him…
Then we got married… Our work schedules were about opposite so he had a lot of free time without me. I did a bad thing and looked at his phone (it had been four months after our marriage) and saw him texting his “sister” and another female friend a lot. One kicker is… his first language is spanish so I dont truly understand everything they said. But I know often he would ask his “sister” if she wanted to go out to eat, go to the swap meet, or just to come visit her.
I got SO upset and blew up with resentment. I was working full time and hard to help support our new life together. This girl doesnt have a job so is ALWAYS available to “hang out”. It was hurtful to me and not fair on so many levels.
I asked him that if he hangs out with her or any other female friend it would not be alone but with a group (they have tons of mutual friends).
He agreed but wanted to make it clear he didnt have bad intentions with her. He seems to have respected this for a long time now (again sadly I checked him phone… but it proves hes respecting me).
Was I wrong? I trust my husband fully but it hurts and feels like an emotional affair when he spends so much time alone with any female friend regularly. He has been very respectful to my feelings and has adjusted his friendships the way I asked… but… am I hurting him? Was it wrong for me to ask this? Now a days its confusing as so many people believe having close opposite friends is no big deal. I want to be a true Christian helpmate for my husband and I dont want to do any wrong to him or hurt him. Do you think its okay to ask your husband to not spend too much time alone with female friends?
Thank you for any advice.
 
Ps- I just wanted to add that I dont mind things like facebook or calls/texts once in a while. Its just when its often and really close and hanging out alone together a lot that really bothers me?
 
Just my opinion as a Catholic husband…

I wouldn’t do out of respect for my wife. Nor do I ride in cars with females from my office unless in a group setting. It could be completely innocuous, but what is the point? To me, letting go of much of my past allows me to better embrace my life with my wife and our children.

I barely have time for myself with a growing family, spousal duties, and work. My wife has never asked me to not communicate with past acquaintances, nor have I her, but we have both acknowledged that for us, it just doesn’t “feel” appropriate.
 
HappyCatholic01 said:
Just my opinion as a Catholic husband…

I wouldn’t do out of respect for my wife. Nor do I ride in cars with females from my office unless in a group setting. It could be completely innocuous, but what is the point? To me, letting go of much of my past allows me to better embrace my life with my wife and our children.

I barely have time for myself with a growing family, spousal duties, and work. My wife has never asked me to not communicate with past acquaintances, nor have I her, but we have both acknowledged that for us, it just doesn’t “feel” appropriate.
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Thank you for your response 🙂 I was hoping to get married men’s reasponses. I really want to make sure I didnt hurt him but I dont want to really talk about it with him anymore as I will be wishy-washy. The thing with you guys though is you never had to ask… thats not the case here. We are very different. I am reserved with small amount of close friendships and he is very open and outgoing with many many friends. He believes its okay for a man and woman to just be friends. I agree it just feels like sometimes the type of friendships should change once married?

I know my relatives have had very succesful Catholic marriages. However Ive seen my mom take this to the extreme where my dad isnt basically allowed to have a short, friendly conversation with another woman (even coworker) without her blowing up at him. I see that as very unhealthy and hurtful and never want to be like that with my husband.
 
Him respecting my wishes makes me feel at peace… but at the same time so so worried. Am I being controling or hurting my husband!!! More than a possibility of him ever cheating Im much more concerend with hurting him (even though those close friendships hurt me) I dont know :’(
 
newcatholicwife said:
Him respecting my wishes makes me feel at peace… but at the same time so so worried. Am I being controling or hurting my husband!!! More than a possibility of him ever cheating Im much more concerend with hurting him (even though those close friendships hurt me) I dont know :’(
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Assuming you believe him when he says he thinks of this woman as a sister, why not look at it from that point of view? Would you ask your husband to never see his sister again without you or a third-party present?

As a woman who is getting married soon, I recognize that this stuff is tricky. I recently told an ex that we can’t talk online anymore because it makes my fiance a little uncomfortable. That was a hard conversation for me, and he wasn’t even someone I consider myself close to at this point, just someone I’d kept in touch with. I think your husband is trying to be understanding, but that yes, if you push the issue you will end up hurting him.

That being said, I think your husband should include you in some of his outings with her. You should get to know her, just like you would work to get to know his sister. And that way you can see how they interact with each other and whether it really is something to worry about or not. (If she’s single, maybe you can set her up with someone! lol)
 
As a single woman who has male friends of that nature, I would echo trying to get to know this woman. Such relationships are possible and it would be hurtful to both to pull the parties apart. When you’ve known someone for years there is a very deep bond indeed, much like a sibling, and it would hurt as deeply as being told you can never see your brother again.
 
newcatholicwife said:
I am so confused as a newly married wife (its been a little over a year).

Should my husband be able to have close female friends? Like the kind who he would hang out with alone for at least a few hours at a time, or talk to/text for periods of time?
All my family who is married (my grandparents, parents, uncles and aunts, and cousins) dont believe in having close friends of the opposite sex once your married.

I agree with their view point… trouble is now most people seem to think its normal.
My husband has a female friend that hes known for years before me. When we were dating and before I met her I saw a picture of them and he “joked” that she was “his wife in Mexico”. (She was living in Mexico at the time and just visiting in summer) But he laughed right after and tried to make it clear to me that he was just joking (bad joke -_-) and that she was really young (17 at that time but only 4 years younger than me) and hes really loves her a lot and shes like a little sister to him. It didnt really bother me much at that time because she was in Mexico. But later she moved here permanently and they wete together a lot. He would take her out to breakfast/lunch they would go with eachother shopping, or just hang out at her house when he was bored and couldnt be with me. Oh also they are both really good at dancing cumbia and love it… (I know from parties) So Im pretty sure they did that for fun too (one time he said he was at her house listening to music…)
Anyways when we were engaged I told him I want to be his best friend… and Im worried about her or other female friends being closer and spending more time with him than me. He listened and assured me that Im #1 in his life and the only female friends he has are those who hes known for years before he met me. That they dont like eachother that way… that if anything would have happened it already would have. It was really hard for me to understand as I have never had any close male friends in my life (except for my cousin).
So yea I felt reassured and trusted him…
Then we got married… Our work schedules were about opposite so he had a lot of free time without me. I did a bad thing and looked at his phone (it had been four months after our marriage) and saw him texting his “sister” and another female friend a lot. One kicker is… his first language is spanish so I dont truly understand everything they said. But I know often he would ask his “sister” if she wanted to go out to eat, go to the swap meet, or just to come visit her.
I got SO upset and blew up with resentment. I was working full time and hard to help support our new life together. This girl doesnt have a job so is ALWAYS available to “hang out”. It was hurtful to me and not fair on so many levels.
I asked him that if he hangs out with her or any other female friend it would not be alone but with a group (they have tons of mutual friends).
He agreed but wanted to make it clear he didnt have bad intentions with her. He seems to have respected this for a long time now (again sadly I checked him phone… but it proves hes respecting me).
Was I wrong? I trust my husband fully but it hurts and feels like an emotional affair when he spends so much time alone with any female friend regularly. He has been very respectful to my feelings and has adjusted his friendships the way I asked… but… am I hurting him? Was it wrong for me to ask this? Now a days its confusing as so many people believe having close opposite friends is no big deal. I want to be a true Christian helpmate for my husband and I dont want to do any wrong to him or hurt him. Do you think its okay to ask your husband to not spend too much time alone with female friends?
Thank you for any advice.
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I think you should tell your husband to stop hanging out with this girl. You are his wife - not her. She has absolutely no business being alone with him - and he, as a married man, should not have the desire to spend so much time with her. This “shes like a sister to me” sounds like nonsense - and quite frankly is among the oldest tricks in the book.

IMO, ideally he should cut off all communications with this other woman. At the very least he should see her ONLY in a group setting when you are present. (I, for one, have never felt the need or desire to spend gratuitous amounts of alone time with my siblings so why should he feel this way about his “sister”?)

He is a married man now. You are his wife. He needs to stop disrespecting you by spending time with this girl. If he loves you, he will respect your wishes. Be clear (but not accusatory) with him and let him know that it makes you uncomfortable. Gauge his reaction and go from there.

Just my advice.
 
I think it is dangerous for him to have such a close friendship.

Anthony Buono, a respected Catholic layperson who has written extensively about dating relationships and marriage, does not recommend it. See his article about friends of the opposite sex here:

catholicnewsagency.com/column.php?n=513
 
QuasiCatholic said:
Assuming you believe him when he says he thinks of this woman as a sister, why not look at it from that point of view? Would you ask your husband to never see his sister again without you or a third-party present?

As a woman who is getting married soon, I recognize that this stuff is tricky. I recently told an ex that we can’t talk online anymore because it makes my fiance a little uncomfortable. That was a hard conversation for me, and he wasn’t even someone I consider myself close to at this point, just someone I’d kept in touch with. I think your husband is trying to be understanding, but that yes, if you push the issue you will end up hurting him.

That being said, I think your husband should include you in some of his outings with her. You should get to know her, just like you would work to get to know his sister. And that way you can see how they interact with each other and whether it really is something to worry about or not. (If she’s single, maybe you can set her up with someone! lol)
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Well to be percise I didnt ask him to NEVER be with her unless they are in a group but for them not to be like they were before. I mean it was so hurtful to me, I felt like she was his “second wife”. And because she has 100% free time (aside from ESL class) when I was working for US he would just find some other young lady to keep company with.
And I am trying to slowly get to know her. Her dad is my husbands best friend and boss… but its difficult because they both dont speak that much english.
Thank you for your thoughts though. I agree I shouldnt keep pushing him about it but he is respecting me now. He calls and texts her a lot less, and usually just sees her when all friends get together. I am respecting him and no longer checking his phone, but can I just leave everything as is? Or do you think I really need to go back to him and say sorry they can be as close as they want?
 
We can only guess here, but… if it were me… if I were him, I would go out of my way to get you to know her. Would it be awkward, at first, you bet, but, if my friend and I had nothing to hide I would earn your trust.

I should also add, if she is a REAL friend to him, she should understand the dynamics at work here. If I were HER, I would go out of my way to make YOU feel comfortable. That might even take a few years even, but again, if they are both good friends with each other, the three of you would work things out.

I would for a while, only visit her with YOU around. Truthfully, I would not be comfortable continuing the friendship to the full extent until YOU were comfortable.

Having said all of this, do you trust your husband? Does he have full control of himself? You have doubts or you would not have posted. Does this doubt reflect experiences you have had with others, or is it because of his mannerisms around other ladies? Are you secretly hoping we will talk you into this being ok, or talk you into affirming your beliefs that this is not healthy?

These are the concerns you need to weigh for yourself. Weigh your gut instincts with common sense, and what your eyes, ears, and heart tells you.
 
DarkLight said:
As a single woman who has male friends of that nature, I would echo trying to get to know this woman. Such relationships are possible and it would be hurtful to both to pull the parties apart. When you’ve known someone for years there is a very deep bond indeed, much like a sibling, and it would hurt as deeply as being told you can never see your brother again.
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I never said he could never see her again, I just asked that he doesnt spend so much alone time with her and texting/calling her so so much. And yes Im trying to get to know her. She doesnt speak that much english but is learning. I am learning spanish because actually most of his family and friends dont know much english.
_<
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Its just Ive had nightmares… of coming home and seeing the two of them cuddling and watching TV. In the dream I got real mad and later couldnt find my husband. When I was looking for him his other female friends were telling me that the friendship between him and that girl was completely innocent. I later found him lying down on top of some far away building. He wasnt breathing. I was crying and kissed him. He came back to life and was crying and repeating that he really hurt me and that their relationship was too close.

This was right before we got married. I took that nightmare as a sign that if I got in the way of their friendship it could kill his soul. So I just trusted him and didnt say anything about it till I blew up later at seeing all those texts after our marriage.

I dont want to hurt him definately, but I also dont want this girl to become his second wife (emotionally), or even the second “mom” of our future children (if shes with them all the time).
 
Sorry OP, but can I just ask how old you and your husband are, and how old this other girl is? I feel like maybe that would help frame this conversation a bit better.
 
newcatholicwife said:
I never said he could never see her again, I just asked that he doesnt spend so much alone time with her and texting/calling her so so much. And yes Im trying to get to know her. She doesnt speak that much english but is learning. I am learning spanish because actually most of his family and friends dont know much english.
_<
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I honestly think this might be best taken to someone who can talk to both of you in person. Whether grounded or not, your fears and suspicions are likely to become an issue. Talk to your priest, or to a marriage counselor, someone who can help both of you figure this out.
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As a Catholic husband I have had two friends who worried my wife. One was an old girl friend who had not got over me and resents that I married so soon after she broke off our relationship as I moved cities and she did not want to follow. The other was an old Uni friend who was married herself. I used to play pool with her husband and we would socialize together. One New Year’s party she got drunk and admitted to me that she had never gotten over me and had loved me in her heart all her life.
My wife is no fool and could see the true feelings of these other two old friends.
I selfishly did not want to lose the friendship of my old Uni friend as I had had no real romantic attachment to her on my side, and thus felt justified to continue the friendship between what I saw as two couples.
My wife has the absolute right, and I mean absolute right to order me as her husband to break off all contact with these women or any other woman she dislikes. I have no option because of my vows but to obey her in this demand.I have the same right with her old boyfriend and trust them when they have lunch together. I actually feel sorry for him for losing such a treasure as my girl. What an idiot!
She trusts me but doesn’t trust the other women. So she asked me not to ring one of them at all, and to have as little to do with the one who lives in the same city as possible.
So, my old girl friend rings me constantly and I feel sorry for her loneliness, as does my wife. So with that compassion she allows the friendship to continue. The other woman unfortunately could not contain her loss and killed herself and her husband. I have not forgiven myself, but have a feeling my wife was relieved, but went to the funeral with me.
I should have cut all contact before it got out of hand on her side.
You have the right to order your husband to cut off the friendship and I would do so before it gets out of hand. I found it flattering to have the attention of these women and I have sinned in this pride. I never broke my vows and have always respected my wife’s rights. I just wish now she had used them more emphatically to stop my foolish pride and tragic results of a disorientated friendship.
 
esieffe said:
We can only guess here, but… if it were me… if I were him, I would go out of my way to get you to know her. Would it be awkward, at first, you bet, but, if my friend and I had nothing to hide I would earn your trust.

I should also add, if she is a REAL friend to him, she should understand the dynamics at work here. If I were HER, I would go out of my way to make YOU feel comfortable. That might even take a few years even, but again, if they are both good friends with each other, the three of you would work things out.

I would for a while, only visit her with YOU around. Truthfully, I would not be comfortable continuing the friendship to the full extent until YOU were comfortable.

Having said all of this, do you trust your husband? Does he have full control of himself? You have doubts or you would not have posted. Does this doubt reflect experiences you have had with others, or is it because of his mannerisms around other ladies? Are you secretly hoping we will talk you into this being ok, or talk you into affirming your beliefs that this is not healthy?

These are the concerns you need to weigh for yourself. Weigh your gut instincts with common sense, and what your eyes, ears, and heart tells you.
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Thank you for your post. Yes we are trying to get to know each other. Its difficult as she doesnt speak much english and I dont speak much spanish. But we are both taking classes.

And honestly yes I do trust him but to a certain extent. Like if he got drunk with one of his female friends that was attracted to him. He has a history of heavy drinking but is better now. Also when we first started dating I had problems with his sense of humor. He is a flirt with a lit of women. But he does it in a joking matter. He even does it with 80 yr old ladies. I understand sometimes but the problem is sometimes they dont understand. Ive also seen him be too friendly/flirty with women that were clearly attracted to him… but he sees it all as a joke and doesnt realize how much hes leading them on.

I cant change his sense of humor and flattery. Hes better about it now but still does it sometimes. However I know he never has bad intentions.
I trust him, but I guess I just feel like hes too naive sometimes when it comes to personal boundaries and how he makes others feel despite his innocent intentions.
 
There are stories, many stories, on both sides. That’s what makes it so hard. There are cases where a man and woman truly love each other as brother and sister, where the relationship is innocent and healthy. I have spent time out with a man, going places together because neither of us wanted to be alone. Neither of us are romantically attracted to the other and we have both benefited from the relationship. I have also been in a case where I was friends with a married man and he developed feelings for me, and we had to cut contact very strongly.

I would reiterate, it’s pretty much impossible to tell what’s going on over the internet. I don’t think there’s an absolute right to tell the spouse who they may or may not interact with. I had a boyfriend, part of why I realized he was bad news is that he would get jealous if I spent time with male friends. That would be a dealbreaker for me, I don’t think marriage should mean giving up the people who have cared about and supported me any more than it would mean giving up my own family. I think it’s something that needs to and should be worked out. I really do think this is an issue that needs to be taken to your priest or to a counselor.
 
newcatholicwife said:
I am so confused as a newly married wife (its been a little over a year).

Should my husband be able to have close female friends? Like the kind who he would hang out with alone for at least a few hours at a time, or talk to/text for periods of time?
All my family who is married (my grandparents, parents, uncles and aunts, and cousins) dont believe in having close friends of the opposite sex once your married.

I agree with their view point… trouble is now most people seem to think its normal.
My husband has a female friend that hes known for years before me. When we were dating and before I met her I saw a picture of them and he “joked” that she was “his wife in Mexico”. (She was living in Mexico at the time and just visiting in summer) But he laughed right after and tried to make it clear to me that he was just joking (bad joke -_-) and that she was really young (17 at that time but only 4 years younger than me) and hes really loves her a lot and shes like a little sister to him. It didnt really bother me much at that time because she was in Mexico. But later she moved here permanently and they wete together a lot. He would take her out to breakfast/lunch they would go with eachother shopping, or just hang out at her house when he was bored and couldnt be with me. Oh also they are both really good at dancing cumbia and love it… (I know from parties) So Im pretty sure they did that for fun too (one time he said he was at her house listening to music…)
Anyways when we were engaged I told him I want to be his best friend… and Im worried about her or other female friends being closer and spending more time with him than me. He listened and assured me that Im #1 in his life and the only female friends he has are those who hes known for years before he met me. That they dont like eachother that way… that if anything would have happened it already would have. It was really hard for me to understand as I have never had any close male friends in my life (except for my cousin).
So yea I felt reassured and trusted him…
Then we got married… Our work schedules were about opposite so he had a lot of free time without me. I did a bad thing and looked at his phone (it had been four months after our marriage) and saw him texting his “sister” and another female friend a lot. One kicker is… his first language is spanish so I dont truly understand everything they said. But I know often he would ask his “sister” if she wanted to go out to eat, go to the swap meet, or just to come visit her.
I got SO upset and blew up with resentment. I was working full time and hard to help support our new life together. This girl doesnt have a job so is ALWAYS available to “hang out”. It was hurtful to me and not fair on so many levels.
I asked him that if he hangs out with her or any other female friend it would not be alone but with a group (they have tons of mutual friends).
He agreed but wanted to make it clear he didnt have bad intentions with her. He seems to have respected this for a long time now (again sadly I checked him phone… but it proves hes respecting me).
Was I wrong? I trust my husband fully but it hurts and feels like an emotional affair when he spends so much time alone with any female friend regularly. He has been very respectful to my feelings and has adjusted his friendships the way I asked… but… am I hurting him? Was it wrong for me to ask this? Now a days its confusing as so many people believe having close opposite friends is no big deal. I want to be a true Christian helpmate for my husband and I dont want to do any wrong to him or hurt him. Do you think its okay to ask your husband to not spend too much time alone with female friends?
Thank you for any advice.
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My first relationship is to my wife. Period. And if she was uncomfortable I would view it as my manly duty to make her comfortable. If that means I don’t hang out with other women. That sounds pretty reasonable. My wife and I are both level headed, non jealous types. And early on in our relationship we decided that if the other person was uncomfortable with something that it would stop. No questions asked. And as a man who would lay down my life for my wife, I would do anything to make her feel comfortable, safe and loved.
 
Hoosier_Daddy said:
My first relationship is to my wife. Period. And if she was uncomfortable I would view it as my manly duty to make her comfortable. If that means I don’t hang out with other women. That sounds pretty reasonable. My wife and I are both level headed, non jealous types. And early on in our relationship we decided that if the other person was uncomfortable with something that it would stop. No questions asked. And as a man who would lay down my life for my wife, I would do anything to make her feel comfortable, safe and loved.
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I am curious though if you had strong, non-sexual relationships with women though? I know if my closest friends that I’ve known for years suddenly dumped me because his wife was uncomfortable I’d feel deeply betrayed, as much as if I had a brother who suddenly wouldn’t see me anymore. I’d strongly advise him against marrying any woman who would see relationships like that as a threat - because I think if you have a real friendship you are doing a wrong to your friend to just dump them for no other crime than their sex.
 
A few ideas:

In the old days there were chaperones and that helped prevent most problems.

Some spouses also have problems when their spouse goes out with friends of the same sex, not just for homosexual possibilities but for heterosexual temptations that a friend might encourage while at a bar, etc. in fact, many adulterous liaisons happen with a friend “covering” for the other while away on a trip.

The issue is your husband and his maturity AND your ability to address and assess the sanity, chasteness, and healthiness of this arrangement for your marriage. When my male friend got married, I became friends with his wife and we write, phone, and visit each other. Our lives got richer because of her embracing me. But personally, I might be the insecure spouse if I were in such a marriage…I guess it would depend on my spouse and the woman friend.
 
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