Husband and I not on same page, long

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Deltadelinquent said:

“I have suggested renting a place.”

You don’t have to “suggest” it. Just rent a place that will take you on a month-to-month or short-term basis and look for work. This looks very promising:

victoria.en.craigslist.ca/sub/

I’m sure there are more job opportunities in Vancouver, but the rents will be worse, but if you can manage it, Vancouver would be better.

Within a month or two, you should have some work, and if you don’t, you have your house on the island. Two months of rent is a very small investment in your happiness. Under the circumstances, you might want to simply announce what you are doing. If you don’t have work, you can come back to the island to visit–when he’s home. There’s no point in you being there alone. You’re lonely. You need people. That’s as basic a need as air or water. Plus, you need to be able to go to church every Sunday. That’s a basic need, too.

"He aquiesed at first, but when it came down to doing it, he blew up at me. He wanted me to find a pet sitter every time he went to work, even though I wasn’t going to be on the island. Then he accused me of "just up and leaving everyone “.”

That’s weird. Actually, this is all weird.

“Now he thinks this new island and a more expensive house will cure me. It’s me, not him, who has a problem I’m told.”

Don’t buy any new houses with him.

“There is no work on the island. There is not social life on the island unless you want to drink and smoke into oblivion. Many people live without electricity or water or a bathroom.
It’s fine if that’s what they want. They are just not my sort of people. I do have a couple of aquantinces here. But as to a full and interesting, rich life? Can’t have it here. Maybe I’m jaded and I’ve been ruined by my education. Maybe I’m being unfair. Maybe I am just crazy.”

No, it’s just not the sort of life that you’ve had previously.

I think there are islands in your area that have a better sort of islander, but the one I know of has even fewer amenities.
 
Deltadelinquent said:

“I am so resentful and jealous of him. He gets to have a good life, travel see people, solve problems, get paid very good money… And he gets to do it in Britain. Where I want to be. What used to be our home. Every time he mentions England I want to slap him.”

It sounds like you want his life (and think he should be more grateful for it) and he wants your life (and thinks you should be more grateful for it). I kind of suspect that he probably needs work more than he thinks, but if your relationship is going to be salvaged, you need to flip things over so that you each get more of the grass that’s always greener on the other side.
 
I go back to Britain because I know the grass is greener there. I lived it for 8 years. I never had the opportunity in the US that I did in the UK.

Something else that’s crazy: his mother is elderly. My sister in law does everything for her, and then complains about not having any help. Complains about how Mom treats her…
I have, on numerous occasions, stated that I would like to help. I could live in her town and shuttle her around all the time, Instead of her daughter. I don’t have the mother, daughter baggage she does. I like my mother in law.
Everyone says thank you for the offer, but they never take me up on it. I sit here with literally nothing to do, and my sister in law is run ragged and claims she hates it. Maybe not likening to work, but not being able to say no to it is a family trait.

I had a boyfriend once who told me that some people just need to be told what is going to happen. No asking, no suggesting. Just told. I am fast coming to the conclusion that my husband is one of those people.

I tend to take my lead from him, though. So I need to screw up the courage to tell him what going to happen. I’m thinking of getting teacher certified in BC so I can at least substitute teach. That’s what I did in the UK. They give maternity leave there, and they can’t find people to stay in teaching… The kid’s behaviour is pretty atrocious. And my speciality is difficult to find teachers in. I still get offers of work from schools who don’t know I’ve moved. If I get certified in BC I could teach here.
Maybe if we ever DO go home, I can teach there with my Canadian certification. Either way, I’m doing something for the 15 months it takes to get certified.
I would need to rent a place near the university to attend classes.

I truly LOVE my husband. Wouldn’t it be a sin to break up a couple who love each other?
Yet, I just can’t sit and knit all day. I hope the new island will suffice for a while, and then later he will go home with me.
I’m just so mixed up now. I don’t even know who I’m married to any more. I must sound like a crazy woman. I wish I understood his side. To me it feels like he has taken away my independence, taken away all my choices in life. And I’m supposed to be grateful for it.

He yells at me in frustration that “we have a wonderful life here!” He means the house. We have a nice house. But I can’t get through to him that a house is where you keep your stuff. That a life is what you do. Friends, family, work, identity, responsibilities, respect. All those things I no longer have.
 
I go back to Britain because I know the grass is greener there. I lived it for 8 years. I never had the opportunity in the US that I did in the UK.

Something else that’s crazy: his mother is elderly. My sister in law does everything for her, and then complains about not having any help. Complains about how Mom treats her…
I have, on numerous occasions, stated that I would like to help. I could live in her town and shuttle her around all the time, Instead of her daughter. I don’t have the mother, daughter baggage she does. I like my mother in law.
Everyone says thank you for the offer, but they never take me up on it. I sit here with literally nothing to do, and my sister in law is run ragged and claims she hates it. Maybe not likening to work, but not being able to say no to it is a family trait.

I had a boyfriend once who told me that some people just need to be told what is going to happen. No asking, no suggesting. Just told. I am fast coming to the conclusion that my husband is one of those people.

I tend to take my lead from him, though. So I need to screw up the courage to tell him what going to happen. I’m thinking of getting teacher certified in BC so I can at least substitute teach. That’s what I did in the UK. They give maternity leave there, and they can’t find people to stay in teaching… The kid’s behaviour is pretty atrocious. And my speciality is difficult to find teachers in. I still get offers of work from schools who don’t know I’ve moved. If I get certified in BC I could teach here.
Maybe if we ever DO go home, I can teach there with my Canadian certification. Either way, I’m doing something for the 15 months it takes to get certified.
I would need to rent a place near the university to attend classes.

I truly LOVE my husband. Wouldn’t it be a sin to break up a couple who love each other?
Yet, I just can’t sit and knit all day. I hope the new island will suffice for a while, and then later he will go home with me.
I’m just so mixed up now. I don’t even know who I’m married to any more. I must sound like a crazy woman. I wish I understood his side. To me it feels like he has taken away my independence, taken away all my choices in life. And I’m supposed to be grateful for it.

He yells at me in frustration that “we have a wonderful life here!” He means the house. We have a nice house. But I can’t get through to him that a house is where you keep your stuff. That a life is what you do. Friends, family, work, identity, responsibilities, respect. All those things I no longer have.
 
You say it’s weird…
How is it weird?
Doesn’t it sound like he just likes it here so much he doesn’t want to leave it?
 
Move to Victoria. Having lived in the UK you’ll find it less foreign, less “alternative”, busier, etc. The nice thing is that you can have all of the outdoor advantages of your island community a short drive away, or you can live in those wilder areas, and just be a short drive from Victoria so when your husband is working you can have activities to go to, restaurants, shopping, etc, be out and back the same day. They still have high tea at the Empress Hotel in Victoria. There’s a university in Victoria, for your studies.

That way you won’t disrupt your husband’s working life. The beauty of it is that he can have his isolation and you can have a more cosmopolitan existence at the same time, living under the same roof.

Victoria will also be cheaper than Vancouver, I suspect. I have in-laws just outside Vancouver (Langley) and it isn’t cheap.

There will also be no issues finding a Catholic church in either Victoria or Vancouver. There’s also a Benedictine monastery and college outside of Vancouver. You will find it much easier to have a social life with “normal” people in Victoria.

I think you need to work on finding common ground on the practical stuff before working on regularizing the marriage in the Church. But that’s just me, I’m sure I’ll catch heck for saying it.
 
Southernbelle12 said:

“I’m thinking of getting teacher certified in BC so I can at least substitute teach. That’s what I did in the UK. They give maternity leave there, and they can’t find people to stay in teaching… The kid’s behaviour is pretty atrocious. And my speciality is difficult to find teachers in. I still get offers of work from schools who don’t know I’ve moved. If I get certified in BC I could teach here.”

Very good!

“Maybe if we ever DO go home, I can teach there with my Canadian certification. Either way, I’m doing something for the 15 months it takes to get certified.
I would need to rent a place near the university to attend classes.”

Or close enough to commute. I don’t know the area around UVic, but I know a lot about college campuses, and at least in the US, the presence of a college horribly inflates nearby rents. So experiment a little to see if there’s a good discount for going just a little further out from campus.

“I truly LOVE my husband. Wouldn’t it be a sin to break up a couple who love each other?
Yet, I just can’t sit and knit all day. I hope the new island will suffice for a while, and then later he will go home with me.”

If he’s not home, you’re not breaking up. You want to have some sort of human companionship when he’s away. That’s…human.

“He yells at me in frustration that “we have a wonderful life here!” He means the house. We have a nice house. But I can’t get through to him that a house is where you keep your stuff. That a life is what you do. Friends, family, work, identity, responsibilities, respect. All those things I no longer have.”

Yes. You want a different wonderful life, with people in it.
 
The island we are thinking about moving is Salt Spring. For the reasons that it is closer to Victoria. I can go to church, and he can do whatever he wants. I can also go to school and get a job.

It’s not home, but maybe I can be Ok there.
 
OraLabora said:

“I think you need to work on finding common ground on the practical stuff before working on regularizing the marriage in the Church.”

Yes.

Being able to agree on a place to live together is pretty essential to a happy married life.

I worry about all the negativity that the OP mentions. Her husband hates the UK, he hates work, he hates people, etc.

Being within reach of a good therapist would also be a good idea.
 
Southernbelle12 said:

“The island we are thinking about moving is Salt Spring. For the reasons that it is closer to Victoria. I can go to church, and he can do whatever he wants. I can also go to school and get a job.”

I was just looking it up, and the 35 minute ferry ride sounds like a breeze compared to what you’re used to. On the other hand, I’ve gone through that ferry terminal before (doing the Port Angeles/Victoria/Vancouver route) and it’s a loooooong way from downtown Victoria to the Swartz Bay ferry terminal (Wikipedia says 20 miles). That would get old fast. Now, if you found work and church close to the terminal, that would be better, but it’s not like your ferry would let you of in downtown Victoria. It also looks like it’s 20 miles from Swartz Bay to UVic.

If you’re willing to chance it, I would suggest renting on Salt Spring and seeing if it works for you.
 
Perhaps I over stated all those hates. But he has expressed a dissatisfaction with people in general, Britain and work in particular.
He doesn’t act this way though. He acts like a very happy, well adjusted human being. This is part of why I am confused as to what is going on.
In the UK I had an hour’s commute each way and loved it. Driving across the Fens in my little red sports car… I felt happy, grown up, respected, and hot!
The drive from Swartz Bay to Victoria seems a breeze.
 
Southernbelle12 said:
I was married to my first husband for 17 years and divorced him finally after years of abuse and contempt.
Click to expand...
When you say you left abuse and contempt, do you mean physical abuse or the same type of verbal/emotional abuse you are starting to experience from your second husband? If the latter, it could be that you would benefit from some individual counselling to address issues that make you feel some victimhood or poor judgement. That’s where I would start rather than thinking that you can solve your problems by moving somewhere else.

You don’t have any obligations to children or parents and perhaps you could secure a job in the UK, take yourself back there, rent somewhere and live with your husband there while he takes his downtime in Canada. He says he doesn’t feel lonely on is own, so that could be a good short term solution.

But think about going to counselling to address your own issues as you deal with all this.\

God bless.
 
My present husband is in no way abusive. I simply mean that some of his recent comments have been quite dismissive and contemptuous. The words were said in anger.

My first husband was not physically abusive but was so very emotionally abusive. When I get sad or upset about things I go back to that place where I was made to feel invisible, unimportant, etc. It was a death of a thousand cuts.
I think this is why I sometimes have a need to check out my responses to things. I need to ask others if my reaction to something is normal or justified. My first husband was very good at gas lighting…

My husband now…he is my hero in that he does not treat me that way at all, except recently when he is angry.

I forgive him as everyone gets angry. But I do not forget. And I watch myself very carefully so that I don’t fall into the same trap.

My husband really is a wonderful man. It’s just this issue that has been all the trouble. I don’t understand why he is acting the way he is.

Since January first, he has been home a total of 16 days. It should be better this next month.
I have been alone for a week now, after he was home for a week. I have one more week to go before he comes back for two. It should be two here and two away after that.
I hope moving will make things better. But right now, I just want my life back. And that was in the UK.
 
hi from USA,
to break down your report, if this is accurate?
"So, husband 57-retirement in sight;

a trend began and set in place, i.e. not the man ‘i’ married.

the situation seclusion and isolation."

Wheew! i don’t know about you-i am wishing winter to end…here…but that is a subtopic/
So, how about a certain spirituality to confront the face of hell; some powerful surf board (and there is one) of prayer? not to escape in context/ rather, a method of prayer to in absolute terms offering a gift of rationality and peaceful trust in the worst of times?

first up, being a man speaking here-your observations are correct of 57 year old men; changing from the youth and ambition of earlier times-now seem embittered, as if scared but can’t admit it, adding they grow into men with sarcasim of their life-complaining.

this is opposed to the younger era of a man’s life-to have once known

vulnerability-chosen and experienced- and accepted to which he surrenders,
leading to

a happy trend as manifesting the trust necessary drawing in another, a mate,
that process of union-

never to be broken./
this makes sense when ,“No man is an island entire of itself-we are part of the main-part of the whole” (forward in a book by Thomas Merton, No Man is an Island.")

as per above, ‘never to be broken’ is the happy medium/ there is a specific consideration in prayer in a time when love seems to fail/ there might not be a ‘human’ solution.
so per the surf board of prayer, but what method of prayer might again fit the broken puzzlel pieces of one’s life? or help another’s life in his life changes? even to confront the face of hell…so to speak…

well consider, there will be a happy ending with the spiritual heart…
Now consider the Our Father’s ending, ‘deliver us from evil…’…this is a response of the soul explaining each ‘evil’ one by one (to Mary as intercessor), not so much at once. The Rosary offers such repetiton, to to expand that last request of Jesus’ template; so the practice of taking worries into prayer, no matter how preplexing or complex, as you mention you your husband’s life changes/
there is a hope in the Rosary because, as you honestly admit-“i want to die…” The rosary will help you Rethink this self talk, ; well consider , the young 31 year old Jesus Christ as anyone might consider youthfulness, so to, the ability to unite one’s suffering to the suffering of the world, and have the energy to accomplish it; (but old men wear down like an old tool)-consider-to what degree how Mary takes each worry, felt as a threat of evil-per each Ava Maria-notice, the verbal rythum of your voice, then the silent self talk of telling Mary-things of the spiritual heart.Divine love is more real than you think at the moment; even the love of youth-the necessary vulnerablity, trust, a present manisfestation of love, when two bond, once unbroken by any evil/

bond of heaven’s love is much the same; if this is proven correct, then perhaps, my inquiry of how God the Father has provided how to be delivered from evil/this process of being delivered from evil-the answer is Mary…the mother of God…who prays for us…
 
southernbelle12 said:

“In the UK I had an hour’s commute each way and loved it. Driving across the Fens in my little red sports car… I felt happy, grown up, respected, and hot!
The drive from Swartz Bay to Victoria seems a breeze.”

That sounds great then.

I was talking to my husband, and he tells me that there’s a brilliant scholar who lives (or used to live) on Salt Spring and has been producing amazing modern translations in his retirement, so you my find that the local island population is rather different than on your current island.

Don’t buy a house, though, until you find you actually like it.

Best wishes!
 
I like that maybe you need to tell your husband what you will be doing. Make a well thought out plan, tell him your plan and do it.

Sometimes these old stale men need a swift kick in the romp. 😃

I know of many women in your position doing this and it literally woke their men up.
 
Serap said:
I like that maybe you need to tell your husband what you will be doing. Make a well thought out plan, tell him your plan and do it.

Sometimes these old stale men need a swift kick in the romp. 😃

I know of many women in your position doing this and it literally woke their men up.
Click to expand...
👍 I agree. Sometimes, it happens because woman become complacent and don’t do anything for themselves, or speak up for themselves.
 
Can you go to your priest, find out if you are in a valid marriage, and decide where to go from there?
 
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