Husband and stepson- bad example for biological children?

  • Thread starter Thread starter Noradthree
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
N

Noradthree

Guest
We have three children, the first and oldest from my husband’s first marriage, which ended due to her infidelity. My husband and I are raising our two children in the Catholic church, though my husband complains of attending mass and is generally out of the picture in terms of encouraging my younger children with their religious education and will make somewhat negative comments about it. My children see that and then give me a hard time even though when they are in church and religious ed, I van witness them enjoying it. My stepson, 17, is on the side of not only not attending but verbally abusing the church in front of our children. In preparation for Advent and the upcoming Christmas mass, because my stepson will be with us then (and we have majority custody of him), I am trying to keep our younger two excited and involved… but the stepson especially is the problem when it comes to his abuse of my/our church. He yelled at me tonight when my husband left the room, " What if I don’t want to believe in that stuff", and I told him that while I respect his decision (because his mother (whom I think holds precedence to me) has discouraged him believing in anything), that as a family we attend church and at least for him that includes important times (although aren’t they all) when he is in our custody. My stepson has had no religious education and such little exposure that I look back over the past 14 years and feel like I failed him in that way, even though like I said I have tried to be respectful of his mother in terms of his involvement in any aspect toward Christ and the same teaching my biological children get. He had asked me a few months ago why he didn’t attend religious ed when he was younger and I told the truth that it was a decision his mother and father arrived at that they remained uninvolved which trickled down to him… could I have been so wrong to introduce him to the church? My question is that while it is difficult for my kids to hear- and they are now trying to model the stepsons apathy toward the church- how can I at least bring my husband more into the fold. We are life-long Catholics but he is non-practicing to say the least and it’s starting to wear on me, and is trying for my children… I’m wondering what else I can do outside of prayer for him, even if I can’t reach my stepson. I’m starting to feel like the division of our beliefs in involvement with the church is putting a sizable enough rift in our parenting that at times makes me wonder, though I haven’t ever considered it a breaking point. Thank you for your support.
 
I feel very sorry for your stepson. Imagine all the conflicting messages he gets from all of the adults in his life. It would have been ideal for you and your husband to get on the same page with regard to the children’s education. All you can do is set a good example and pray for all involved.
 
It’s a possibility that your stepson feels jealous of the fact that his younger half-siblings are in religious ed and have faith and he didn’t get either of those things.

Bear that possibility in mind when dealing with him.

It’s also OK for you (in consultation with your husband and probably on a different occasion) to explain to him that once he hits 18, his presence in your home becomes a privilege rather than a right, so that he needs to think about behaving in such a way at home that you will be happy and proud to have him at home.

Be working on ensuring his eventual independence and perhaps do a personal finance course with him very soon.
 
A couple of things come to mind here.

First, at 17, your stepson is nearly an adult. As such, he can be expected to act like one in certain areas. This goes even more so for your husband.

One of the things that adults do is (ideally) treat others and their beliefs with respect, even if they aren’t shared. They also follow and respect the rules of the house in which they’re living.

Ergo, your stepson doesn’t have to believe in everything that the Church teaches. You can’t force him to believe, anyhow. However, if it’s a house rule that everyone attends Mass on Sundays and holy days, then everyone attends Mass on Sundays and holy days, and does so in a respectful manner. Period, full stop, end of sentence. A chat with him about how he doesn’t have to believe or receive Communion but does need to be respectful of the house rules and of others’ beliefs is probably in order. Point out that from a strictly secular perspective, in the not-too-distant-future he’ll be working with people of many differing beliefs and backgrounds, and that things will not go well for him professionally if he’s rude about their beliefs, either. I imagine you don’t tolerate rudeness in other areas, so why should you tolerate rudeness in this?

Which brings me to my next point: at some point–NOT in front of the children, and NOT when they’re at all likely to interrupt you–I suggest you have a talk with your husband about church, his attitude about it, and how it’s affecting you and the kids. You might need to say something like, “I wish we were on the same page about this, but if we aren’t, okay. You have, however, agreed that the kids are to be raised in the Church, and I will take on the responsibility of ensuring that they attend religious ed and Mass. For your part, can you please agree not to interfere or to sabotage that by being rude and disrespectful about it?” (You’ll want to phrase this in a kinder manner, but I’m sure you get the gist.)
 
UbiCaritas said:
A couple of things come to mind here.

First, at 17, your stepson is nearly an adult. As such, he can be expected to act like one in certain areas. This goes even more so for your husband.

One of the things that adults do is (ideally) treat others and their beliefs with respect, even if they aren’t shared. They also follow and respect the rules of the house in which they’re living.

Ergo, your stepson doesn’t have to believe in everything that the Church teaches. You can’t force him to believe, anyhow. However, if it’s a house rule that everyone attends Mass on Sundays and holy days, then everyone attends Mass on Sundays and holy days, and does so in a respectful manner. Period, full stop, end of sentence. A chat with him about how he doesn’t have to believe or receive Communion but does need to be respectful of the house rules and of others’ beliefs is probably in order. Point out that from a strictly secular perspective, in the not-too-distant-future he’ll be working with people of many differing beliefs and backgrounds, and that things will not go well for him professionally if he’s rude about their beliefs, either. I imagine you don’t tolerate rudeness in other areas, so why should you tolerate rudeness in this?

Which brings me to my next point: at some point–NOT in front of the children, and NOT when they’re at all likely to interrupt you–I suggest you have a talk with your husband about church, his attitude about it, and how it’s affecting you and the kids. You might need to say something like, “I wish we were on the same page about this, but if we aren’t, okay. You have, however, agreed that the kids are to be raised in the Church, and I will take on the responsibility of ensuring that they attend religious ed and Mass. For your part, can you please agree not to interfere or to sabotage that by being rude and disrespectful about it?” (You’ll want to phrase this in a kinder manner, but I’m sure you get the gist.)
Click to expand...
Yes!
 
I think that you can appeal to him as a young adult and let him know that as the big brother he needs to help or at least not hinder the values you have chosen to instill in the little ones.

It sounds like he has wondered why he has been on a different path. You can tell him that there are programs to introduce the faith to young adults like him. He might not be able to ask for that now since he’s taken such a stand against the church. Teenagers often back themselves into corners they cannot get out of.

Maybe you could also invite him to ask questions and even engage in some apologetic debates. Acknowledge that you might have to look up the answer or find out together. Who knows? Maybe if he gets answers to some of the questions he has he will begin to believe.

If he has any liking of a particular priest in your parish maybe he’d be willing to at least sit down together–again appeal to his “maturity”.

And as others have said, respect of you and the house rules trumps all.There are probably no easy answers to your situation.
Good Luck I will pray for you.
 
What is your husband’s attitude about all this? If he sees his dad not respect your religious beliefs, he certainly will not respect them either. However, since he snapped that he shouldn’t believe after his dad left the room makes me think perhaps he is scared of his dad.

First step, make an agreement with your husband as to how religion will be expressed in the home. Then, get your husband to deal with his son. I really don’t think any teenage boy would take well to a step-mother’s rules

Angie
 
When I was 7, my parents divorced and my dad re-married. Both of my parents were Protestant, and my dad married a Catholic. Throughout their 13 year marriage, we would attend mass as a mis-matched family of step-mom, step-dad, step-brothers and sisters, etc. The annulment process was too expensive for them at the time, and they never completed it or married in the Church, but they did ensure that my new brothers (who they had together) went through faith formation and were confirmed. They also took us to mass every single Sunday that I visited my dad even though they themselves could not receive communion. When I would go home to my mom’s house, she would talk very hatefully about my step mom and the Catholic Church. She would make fun of my step-mom for praying the Rosary, and she would literally attack her faith. That didn’t shake my step-mom. She would just sing along with the rosary in her car, and keep on praying.

Late in my teens, I remember thinking that maybe she was on to something. I sat in my room with a little Rosary she had given me and even though I didn’t know the words of the Our Father or the Hail Mary, I prayed to Mary. I said, “Mary, if you are real please help me. I need a mother.” And you know what she did? She pointed me right toward her son in the Catholic Church. At 19 years old, I drove myself to the church, enrolled in the classes I needed and later made profession of faith, first communion and confirmation. I later married my Catholic husband, and though it has been a rocky path, we have three beautiful kids (one in Catholic school). My husband is away on an ACTS retreat this very moment!

I say this not to just tell my story, but to let you know that PRAYER DOES WORK. God knew that you would be in your stepson’s life, and He can use you. When you stepson is disrespectful, tell him that it really hurts your feelings. Also tell him that no one can make him believe something he doesn’t but that you expect respect in your house. Tell him too, that you will be praying for him. It may shock him for you to have that reaction, but think about what Jesus would do if He were in the room with you. He would be sad, he would tell your stepson how loved he is and how much He gave up for him. He would embrace him.

Clearly, the enemy is at work in your stepson’s life. But maybe Satan is trying so hard because God is trying to reach your stepson too. Maybe, like me, he goes into the quiet of his room and says a quick prayer, asking God to prove himself. It’s so much easier to reject God than it is to believe. Maybe…just maybe…you are the one who God has called into your stepson’s life to lead him to Christ.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top