Husband and wife discord over contraception

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ThomasMoore1

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Hello, Im new here. I have a question and am hoping to find some advice or at least some direction on how i should find the answer.

My wife and i have been married for 7 years. We have two beautiful children. We love each other immensely but now have come to a great impasse with regards to contraception. To cut to the chase - she wants to use it and i dont.

We are both catholic; when we were first married i did not have the understanding of the faith that i do now. In some ways i feel as though i “bait and switched her” because we used to contracept before having our first child.

Her reasons: (1)she is afraid of the damage that another pregnancy would do to her body. She has some prolapse from the last child that has really scared her away from wanting to have any more kids. (2) She doesnt think that she has the right temperament to handle another child. On this point i try to tell her that she has to ask God for help with that, but her general response is “I cant leave it up to God”. There is probably A LOT to unpack there.
Two months ago i went to confession and decided that i had to make a change, that i couldnt put my soul in jeapordy by contracepting. So, with her refusal to put herself in the path of a possible pregnancy and my newfound spine, we havent been intimate for several months. It is truly agonizing.
Am I doing the right thing here? By holding out on my wife because i refuse to contracept am i in the wrong? Should i be contracepting if it will bring peace to my house And allow us to live as a married couple? Also - to make it more complicated - ahe is nursing our youngest still and is afraid that her ovulation could come back at any moment, thereby making non-contracepted sex out of the question.

My options are: a) continue this way. I get to live in the way i feel that God wants me to but my wife continues to be pushed away. B) i use some form of contraception. My wife gets what she wants and i feel that I am sinning each and every time. C) wife get an iud. We get to be intimate, but my wife is sinning and doing damage to her soul and possibly losing children that are concieved because of an iud’s abortifacent properties.

As you can see, i am completely flummoxed. I dont know what to do! Is anyone else experiencing this? Or am i the only lucky person to go through this.
 
Accept your wife’s right to her own views.

She’ll contracept, you won’t, life will go on.
 
You have made your stand known to your wife.

If she decides to contracept, the sin is not yours. You are not required to withhold marital relations.
 
But, TLL, and this is a question and you know I respect your opinions and knowledge…
If he knows she is contracepting (is that the word? See I am showing my ignorance!) and goes ahead with relations, isn’t he agreeing to the contracepting by his actions?
 
ThomasMoore1 said:
Am I doing the right thing here?
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You cannot contracept.

If your wife does, against your wishes, it is not necessary to totally withdraw from marital relations. Ask your pastor about the document Vademecum for Confessors, which has guidance for pastors to help an innocent spouse who has a contracepting spouse. He can give you guidance.
ThomasMoore1 said:
By holding out on my wife because i refuse to contracept am i in the wrong?
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No. You aren’t wrong to refuse to actively contracept or sterilize yourself. However, don’t be under the mistaken impression you cannot have relations with your wife if SHE does so against your wishes.
ThomasMoore1 said:
Should i be contracepting if it will bring peace to my house And allow us to live as a married couple?
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No.
ThomasMoore1 said:
Also - to make it more complicated - ahe is nursing our youngest still and is afraid that her ovulation could come back at any moment, thereby making non-contracepted sex out of the question.
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Yes, you two may be called to some extended abstinence until her cycle returns. Then, it would be possible to learn natural family planning.

Most women who are afraid of NFP are afraid because they haven’t taken a class and haven’t learned the science behind it. It’s usually out of ignorance. Ask if she will take a class and learn a method-- sympto thermal, creighton, marquette, or consider one of the NFP apps that track your cycle as well.
ThomasMoore1 said:
My options are:
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Actually, I didn’t see natural family planning, so I would encourage you to learn about it and take a class with your wife. If you want to start with a secular source, get the book Taking Charge of Your Fertility. It isn’t in line with Church teaching as it allows for barrier methods during fertile times, but the science is sound and learning that non-religious people also reject contraception and embrace fertility awareness could be a first step towards your wife embracing NFP fully with periodic abstinence.
ThomasMoore1 said:
Is anyone else experiencing this?
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Speak to your pastor.
 
dollysro said:
If he knows she is contracepting (is that the word? See I am showing my ignorance!) and goes ahead with relations, isn’t he agreeing to the contracepting by his actions?
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No.

See Vademecum for Confessors regarding when it is licit to engage in relations with a contracepting spouse.
 
1ke said:
No. You aren’t wrong to refuse to actively contracept or sterilize yourself. However, don’t be under the mistaken impression you cannot have relations with your wife if SHE does so against your wishes.
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This always puzzled me. Is this still the case if there is a possibility of losing children through abortafacient contraception?
 
While people are correct that you CAN have marital relations with a contracepting spouse, you can’t just throw up your hands and say her sin not mine. A contracepting spouse is saying your conscience, your soul, your marriage is something to be violated. It is also morally acceptable to refrain from relations with a contracepting spouse.
 
God Bless you all for taking the time to weigh in on this for me. It has been a tough last few months! I feel better already, but I know that i need to talk to my priest about this. I’ll want to have a better understanding of what it means for our marriage if she is contracepting and i am not, and what i can do (i have the feeling it will be: nothing, but pray) to try to move things in the right direction.
 
This is a very difficult situation for both of you. My first advice would be to love your wife. Show her that you love her, and be sure that she knows that you will always love her, even at times when the two of you have a serious disagreement.

Secondly, please read the Vademecum for Confessors, particularly paragraphs 13 and 14 under the heading “3. Pastoral Guidelines for Confessors.” I will quote them here (footnotes removed, and numbering slightly altered to make the forum software display it correctly):
  1. Special difficulties are presented by cases of cooperation in the sin of a spouse who voluntarily renders the unitive act infecund. In the first place, it is necessary to distinguish cooperation in the proper sense, from violence or unjust imposition on the part of one of the spouses, which the other spouse in fact cannot resist. This cooperation can be licit when the three following conditions are jointly met:
13.1 when the action of the cooperating spouse is not already illicit in itself;
13.2 when proportionally grave reasons exist for cooperating in the sin of the other spouse;
13.3 when one is seeking to help the other spouse to desist from such conduct (patiently, with prayer, charity and dialogue; although not necessarily in that moment, nor on every single occasion).
  1. Furthermore, it is necessary to carefully evaluate the question of cooperation in evil when recourse is made to means which can have an abortifacient effect.
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I would argue that you can (and probably should) be sexually intimate with your wife, and that you can do so without committing sin, if you meet the criteria above. In my own words:

13.1 You can’t do anything illicit yourself, such as wearing a condom.
13.2 You must have a good reason for cooperating with your wife’s use of contraception, and I would say that you do: Sexual intimacy is very important to marriage, and withholding that intimacy creates a grave difficulty which could eventually lead to adultery or divorce.
13.3 You should patiently and charitably ask your wife not to use contraception, and explain why it is wrong (or provide her with a good book, article, or podcast on the subject). Also make sure that you and your wife both understand the effectiveness of natural family planning (also known as fertility awareness methods). But you don’t have to do all of this often, or all at once. Use good judgement as to when to say something, and when to table the discussion for a while. And pray for your wife.
14. If your wife is using a method of contraception which can have an abortifacient effect, then the question becomes more difficult. I do not have a clear or easy answer here.

I would also advise you to consult with a priest, but make sure that it is a priest who fully supports the Church’s moral teaching on contraception.
 
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Hormonal medication suppress ovulation so it’s less likely that you’ll lose one than the natural loss that occurs.
 
As far as I know your not required to abstain. I would say though keep in mind that your not the one required to face injury/death in order to follow your faith, lots of people commit all kinds of sins for much less. NFP can be an effective method but she needs to be motivated to have it work, 7 months after pregnancy a person can still be healing from the trauma of birth and need time to process what they’ve been through.
 
Leek said:
Hormonal medication suppress ovulation so it’s less likely that you’ll lose one than the natural loss that occurs.
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The chance exists though. It’s like saying “would you do this dangerous thing if there’s a reasonable chance someone would die.”
 
AdamP88 said:
The chance exists though. It’s like saying “would you do this dangerous thing if there’s a reasonable chance someone would die.”
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A theoretical chance and a “reasonable chance” are not nearly the same thing.

The teaching isn’t clear cut at all. It’s a consideration to be weighed, but neither when discussing situations of double effect and therapeutic use of hormonal contraception nor in the Vademecum does the Church require abstaining.

It’s definitely something to weigh seriously, it’s a prudential matter under the direction of a priest however.
 
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